The Career Singles Thread | INFJ Forum

The Career Singles Thread

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by randomsomeone, Dec 17, 2009.

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  1. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    Just in case there are other career singles out there...

    I thought it might be fun for those few of us here to discuss the dynamics of long-term singleness...tricks of the trade, if you will.

    For example: I go to the same restaurant all the time...and not just for the food. Years ago I would find myself working on little projects over the weekend and going days without talking to anybody. This creeped me out a bit, so I started hanging out at a little Mexican restaurant in town. Over time...and it took time...I got to know the waitresses well enough, as well as some of the patrons, so that we could have a nice little chat now and then. As the years passed, I would say even a fondness grew. Even though I still dine alone, occasionally other regulars ask me to join them...and other friends know where to find me. The connections help make being a career single not quite so isolating.

    Another thought.....being a man and in my 50s, there is a generally held suspicion that we, as a demographic, are all rather creepy. It may be so. Anyway, I can read this suspicion/fear in people really well. Not that I can blame anybody...I have daughters, I totally understand (and recommend) the need to not trust everybody you see. Anybody who watches the news would get this. So....how to break past creepy old-man syndrome? First...never trespass on a lady's personal space or their comfort zone.....ever. I have no need to cause fear/apprehension in anybody (that and I'm sure I am highly allergic to pepper spray). No, people have to make the space themselves if they are so inclined to do so. I always hold back and just say "good morning." If the conversation/friendship goes past there (over time), they are the ones who would open that door if they so choose. Based on my experience, when it works this way some really nice, comfortable friendships can emerge. I just don't cross the line.

    I know it is said that there is someone out there for everybody, but I think we all know that this is simply not so. Many, many of us remain, or become single....and it seems to stick. That might be sad, but hey, life goes on!!

    I have other mechanisms for enjoying/surviving singleness, too. I've been single for 20 years (previous 10 year marriage ended due to bi-polar affective disorder), raised my four kids (played Legos a lot), and gave up on finding romance about ten years ago. It was rather sad, but also a bit liberating. I decided against being miserable for the remainder of my years.

    Interested in your thoughts!! (assuming there actually is anybody else out there in similar conditions)
     
    #1 randomsomeone, Dec 17, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2009
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  2. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    I have been single for 8 years. I am 28 so I haven't given up, but I am not actively searching or anything.

    I understand what you mean by frustrating and liberating at the same time.

    I just don't like all of my family thinking I am gay because of it.
     
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  3. OP
    randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    Ha.....yes that at least would makes sense to them. Being hetero and single...nevermind reasonably happy and whole....just does not equate to lots of folks.
     
  4. Afrelen

    Afrelen Community Member

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    Tell me about it... I'm only 22 and my whole family is already at this point.
     
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  5. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    Stop stealing my life!
     
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  6. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    LOL
     
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  7. Ria

    Ria Snow White over the ocean

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    interesting...

    I too was married for 10 years and am currently in a relationship now although at times, it can be truly difficult.

    At one time, I thought that should this relationship not work out afterall, then I would take one last chance with love on perhaps another. These days though, I am quite honestly, just feeling more and more inclined to simply remain single for the remainder of my life. I always sensed that when I was a small girl. (that I'd end up alone). I remember feeling ok with that actually, perhaps because I had sensed it early and had time to develope acceptance.

    But who knows, maybe if this relationship doesn't work out, I will give it one more try with another, before I join the Career Singles Club.
     
  8. OP
    randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    No problem...I hope all your fondest dreams come true!!!
     
  9. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    I love being single, there's nothing like your own independence of doing whatever you want. I've tried relationships but I always end up hurting those people due to my lack of commitment and I prefer leaving it at that. I'll be finishing college in a year and I want to take about 3-5 years doing long term traveling to see all the places I want to see.

    Children and a girlfriend are out of the equation for the moment, though sometimes I feel lonely too but that disappears whenever I think about what it would be to have somebody nagging me all the time. So yeah, I'd rather be a free-spirit.
     
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  10. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    I'm almost 29. I've dated two girls in my life but neither relationships lasted longer than 2 months. I have no idea what it's like to be in a committed relationship.

    I'm absolutely sick of being single and go through varying degrees of desperation and hopelessness.

    My next birthday is my last birthday in my 20's... definitely sobering - it's forcing me to evaluate where I am in life in many different areas (work, interests, goals, family etc.).

    One thing I will say is that this year has been the year when I've expanded my network of friends. Exponentially. Compared to the number of friends I had this time last year, I've got more friends than I can spend time with (and I literally do feel this way).

    One trick of the trade I've learned is that doing something WITH other people helps me out a lot - volunteering, inviting people over for dinner, organizing game nights.. things like this where I get the focus off of myself and my agenda and seeing how I can be helpful to others and help them have a good time. That brings me a lot of satisfaction.

    Plus, doing this let's people know that you care about them. And that pays dividends.
     
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  11. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    Granted that I'm only going on 20, but I can share the sentiments in this thread. The longest relationship (and basically only) I had lasted about a year in high school. I have no problem meeting girls, but something always seems to happen to where as a relationship is out of the question. Any time I go home, my mom is always pestering about finding a girlfriend. I'd love to be in a relationship, but what ever, it just isn't happening right now. Maybe I just need to be a 'ladies' man.

    I've always had that feeling like Ria said, that thought always in the back of my mind that I'll be alone. I'd like very much not to be, but I guess being single aint that bad either.
     
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  12. NeverAmI

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    I get the feeling like I will be alone too.

    I dunno, I feel pretty well understood on here, which is shocking.

    I am either mistaken for being shallow due to my sense of humor, but in person I act like I have NO sense of humor because I am so overloaded by thoughts/feelings. That is, until I am comfortable around someone.

    It is really a catch 22 for meeting people. Eventually I am sure I will find someone. But I always have that fear too that if I don't find someone entertaining enough then I will get bored and want to move on.

    *Sigh*
     
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  13. OP
    randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I am around lots of people who "wind up single" after a long relationships. It is hard to express how totally disorienting it all is. So many dreams shattered. Building new dreams...while nursing one's crumbled bits of soul...is unspeakably tricky.

    I don't know how I made it through....heck, I don't know if I made it through. What I do know is this...it is possible to find new gems sparkling beneath the broken pieces of our dreams. One might have to be part archeologist to find them but they are there. I know this to be so.
     
    #13 randomsomeone, Dec 17, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
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  14. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Heh.

    There's nothing wrong with being a long-term single, but it does get lonely sometimes. I've never been married, never had kiddos, but I'm 41. I'm willing to adopt but I'm not sure if I want to bear children this late in life...not sure about the risks and all that. I know I'll probably be helping raise children if it comes to that, and that it's possible all the children will be out of the house or in high school. To be honest, I'm pretty uncomfortable around kids. Maybe because I'm an only child and I've never really had to worry about 'em (and yet I'm tutoring a 6th grader...go figure).

    What's it like? I don't know. I've always wanted to be married but I've also been very picky about it. I don't want to marry the wrong person and my values are fairly strict. Sex has never really been a big thing to me.
     
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  15. OP
    randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    That is so cool!! I'm sure you know as well as any of us how much kids need other people, role models, mentors in their lives. There usually comes a point when the parents just aren't enough. It truly does take a village.

    I, at 54, have some splendid conversations with little kids...it's so fun to jump into their world for a time (and then give them back to their parents :))!!
     
  16. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    I think I am a career single.

    Before marriage, I'd never been in a long term relationship.

    Now I am separated. Neither one of us will file for divorce, but we will be apart 2 years in June. My issue is money, his is, he doesn't want to, even though he labels me selfish and insecure. I don't see why he wants to be with me through all of this. Just let it go.

    I've moved on basically. He has not. In fact, he just texted me to ask for some vaccination info since the Army is trying to inject him with the H1N1 vaccine. As if he didn't score a 97 on the ASVAB and is incapable of his own research....

    I enjoy the semi-single life. I am free to shave or not, be a hermit or not. I feel free to crush on men and dream about them, which I NEVER did when I was married. Never ever fantasized about anyone else.

    Anyway. getting long winded....
     
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  17. Feelings

    Banned

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    I'm a pretty lonely dude too!!!!!! Obviously, the way I've been spamming up the forums these last few days...
    [YOUTUBE]0D0zfB1l1x0[/YOUTUBE]
    I'm generally a pretty aggressive person tho, and bright eyed and bushy tailed so I think I'll be alright cuz I'll keep trying really hard. One day my enthusiasm and youthful boisterous energy may die tho! As I age maybe....
     
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  18. Moxie

    Moxie Absent-Minded Professor

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    I was pretty much single for 6 years (although in horrible relationships for 3 years before and after it - where I might as well have been single). I loved being single. I love being in the relationship I'm in now though too. I was determined that I was going to find 'Mr. Right'' and not 'Mr. Right Now,' or stay single. I feel very blessed to have found such a wonderful guy, but it required so much patience. The problem with being single, for me, was that men always seemed to have certain expectations. I wasn't single because I wasn't attractive or had other good qualities, it's that I wasn't interested in shacking up with Joe off the street. My sweetie and I started off as good friends, and it blossomed from there. I do know what it's like to be single, for a long, long time. It's a nice feeling knowing that everything you have you've earned for yourself, and it's also great to feel like you don't have responsibility for others. It got very lonely for me sometimes, excruciatingly so, but eventually I would always decide I could live with that if it meant being in a meaningful relationship rather than merely being in a relationship to ease the loneliness. And I never really minded being alone, or depending on myself.

    It's different for my brother. He's turning 31 this year and has never had a girlfriend. The only reason for this, I think, is that he puts such high expectations on finding the 'right woman' but is unwilling to be friends with her first. He wants her to have an immediate attraction to him, and love every little thing about him no matter what.

    Anyway, I'm sure that no one wants to hear from a 'used to be single for a long time' but, here it is anyway. :D
     
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    #18 Moxie, Dec 18, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
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  19. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    A resounding idea I see in a lot of people's post is that they need to be friends with 'Mr(s). Right' (I hope this isn't implying that their is one true love for people) before they start dating that person. Is this really that important? I thought the whole dating process was to figure out if someone is interesting and worth spending your life/time with. If you date from a community of friends, I just can't see how that is productive (Maybe you all have larger social circles than I do, perhaps)
     
  20. myst

    myst Community Member

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    This is a cool thread. I hope it keeps going. I'm halfway in a relationship where I'm not spending much time with the guy, so I need single's coping strategies. Mine are friends, meetup, outing groups...
     
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