Talking/mocking behind others' backs
- Thread starter Ciergan
- Start date
I would much rather have someone "talk behind my back" than
harbour upset feelings towards me for years which then turn
into a violent rage and end in the vicious mutilation of my corpse.
I understand I'm much more paranoid than most, however.
Speaking I believe is the much lesser evil. I do not see a problem
with venting emotions as this is what I interpret this act of
expression to be.
harbour upset feelings towards me for years which then turn
into a violent rage and end in the vicious mutilation of my corpse.
I understand I'm much more paranoid than most, however.
Speaking I believe is the much lesser evil. I do not see a problem
with venting emotions as this is what I interpret this act of
expression to be.
Once upon a time, I would've rather had someone be completely upfront and honest with me about how they felt but I realised that this directness can also be abusive. People use brutal honesty to justify their judgmental and unsubstantiated feelings or beliefs about someone. They think "I'm just being honest!" as if it justifies being rude or disrespectful to someone. Some of these well meaning or well intentioned people who feel they need to tell you how they feel about you also assume that those feelings are right or justified. They never question. They assume that because they're being honest, then what they say must be true. And oddly enough many of those people can dish it but they can't take it. They can tell someone how they feel and then complain the person doesn't "appreciate" their honesty or can't handle the truth, while anyone who dares to be so honest with them is treated as a envious liar who is just saying things which can't possibly be true. Ironic, don't you think. 
Once upon a time, I would've rather had someone be completely upfront and honest with me about how they felt but I realised that this directness can also be abusive. People use brutal honesty to justify their judgmental and unsubstantiated feelings or beliefs about someone. They think "I'm just being honest!" as if it justifies being rude or disrespectful to someone. Some of these well meaning or well intentioned people who feel they need to tell you how they feel about you also assume that those feelings are right or justified. They never question. They assume that because they're being honest, then what they say must be true. And oddly enough many of those people can dish it but they can't take it. They can tell someone how they feel and then complain the person doesn't "appreciate" their honesty or can't handle the truth, while anyone who dares to be so honest with them is treated as a envious liar who is just saying things which can't possibly be true. Ironic, don't you think.
I feel a bit opposite I have a harder time dishing it out than taking it, lol. I like knowing what people think so that I can assess if there's any truth to it, and if there is I can work on it, and if there's not ignore it. I'm quite an action oriented person in that sense I think. I'm quite an action oriented person in general actually. Very hard for me to be passive about things.
After posting in here and having this thread on my mind during my daily life, I've discovered that I talk about people when they aren't around all the damn time. I enjoy discussing people with others -- most of the time it's not about negative stuff anyway. I like to point out behaviours or patterns I notice in people, and ask others if they've noticed the same things. I don't really care about it, or see it as a bad thing unless it results in the person being stigmatized. Again, I'd be just as likely to say it with the person there, and I still don't divulge personal secrets unless they seriously harmed me and it was necessary to for context.
+1 I agree.
In regards to me personally, it depends on the person doing the talking. Normally, I don't care what you think of me. A majority of people fall into this category. It isn't that I am not interested in solving issues but if it isn't my problem and someone doesn't want to take it up with me....I am not going to expend energy fixing things. If you want to be direct and work with me, I will make the effort. I believe and value harmony and working with others--it still doesn't mean that someone falls into my sphere of concern and I am affected by what they say though.
If I care about someone, I care about working issues out, and will initiate things.
Edit: I think one of the dangers in life is to fall into the trap of just wanting to lash out and hurt people. I try not to be mean, but I fear it is a basic component of my make up to not be nice. I believe strong negative patterns leave thier mark on your spirit and I work at finding my generous self everyday.
I love to dissect people. I don't usually talk about a person but I will talk about their actions. I am not afraid to give my opinion to someone's face though.
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First of all, I have to-- go for meta here; possibly for self justification, but well; I might as well be wrong myself.
What defines gossiping? To what extent should people NOT being talked? On what context? How close / far are we, to be considered 'talking behind their backs?'
The action is the same, and I believe the morality of that action is probably the same as well, but I would say the intention and the reasoning would be different depending on the context.
Surely malicious slander, spreading weird opinions, or mocking others is different than discussing someone's -actual- actions. (otherwise, no reviews will surely exist; no opinions about any goods will exist, because when you PUUUUULLLLL it VEEEEERY FAR, everything from McDonalds to Hollywood movies to Occupy Wall Street to Kim Kardashian, has people in it.)
So; what defines gossip? echoing the poster above.
But for me; Honestly, to a point, we judge. Otherwise, how can we know each other? And we use outside world to judge things, as much as we judge ourselves. I use that, and accept that to be done to me..hopefully fair enough.
It's very honorable to be told where exactly are my flaws, for I will do the same; but otherwise, living in a society that's quite passive-aggressive is quite enough to develop a skin thick enough to not...be damaged. The non-important ones, anyway. Worth trying.
But I understand why people would not talk about it, and while that certainly nets negative points from me, understandable.
I hope I never did malicious slanders / lying about people; but I -do- talk about other people. Their actions, their behaviors; my opinion / judgement according to those.
Some friends of mine do the same; we usually...discuss about it. Not the people, but the behaviour. ("hmm, why would X to Y to you, if you didn't do anything?" "oh well, it's hard to say, after all you did this and that, and that usually will drive most people pissed. Or maybe he's just a douche.")
Quite often I also whine. I believe you guys have seen enough of it *bows shyly*. This one is 100% subjective so... I dunno, despite the intentions, I guess that's bad of me too.
Some friends of mine do slander others. I usually shut my mouth; and don't register any of it, nor participate beyond giving my judgement. "Eh, I think she's just this. (end of opinion)". I usually observe the speaker instead; what image they are trying to make, what that are saying about their relationships, etc; I guess that same thing can be traced back with me. God knows how much slanders I have talked about my family. >___>; <____<;
Often enough, I discuss what to do with some people-- a-la Emotional Support and Advice. "Hmm, if X's doing this to you, then I suggest you to do Z". I dunno; with faulty intentions or faulty understanding it -can- be as malicious as other words, only coated with sweeter phrasing....so. Yeah.
What defines gossip, again..?
I think I know one point of why people gossip; a point of gossip is having fun with -- how far you can make things as outrageous as possible, and wait for the altered opinions to spread. Add that I think people who are being gossiped often are not THATCLOSE with the speaker(s), if not directly hated / disliked. There's also social control aspect, but that one can kiss my....sprinkled cupcakes.
I'm probably guilty of spreading weird / unreal opinions. After all, it's highly possible that each person has their own look at things, and....I'm not trusting myself to have the most impartial, sanest view of things; people included,
What defines gossiping? To what extent should people NOT being talked? On what context? How close / far are we, to be considered 'talking behind their backs?'
The action is the same, and I believe the morality of that action is probably the same as well, but I would say the intention and the reasoning would be different depending on the context.
Surely malicious slander, spreading weird opinions, or mocking others is different than discussing someone's -actual- actions. (otherwise, no reviews will surely exist; no opinions about any goods will exist, because when you PUUUUULLLLL it VEEEEERY FAR, everything from McDonalds to Hollywood movies to Occupy Wall Street to Kim Kardashian, has people in it.)
So; what defines gossip? echoing the poster above.
But for me; Honestly, to a point, we judge. Otherwise, how can we know each other? And we use outside world to judge things, as much as we judge ourselves. I use that, and accept that to be done to me..hopefully fair enough.
It's very honorable to be told where exactly are my flaws, for I will do the same; but otherwise, living in a society that's quite passive-aggressive is quite enough to develop a skin thick enough to not...be damaged. The non-important ones, anyway. Worth trying.
But I understand why people would not talk about it, and while that certainly nets negative points from me, understandable.
I hope I never did malicious slanders / lying about people; but I -do- talk about other people. Their actions, their behaviors; my opinion / judgement according to those.
Some friends of mine do the same; we usually...discuss about it. Not the people, but the behaviour. ("hmm, why would X to Y to you, if you didn't do anything?" "oh well, it's hard to say, after all you did this and that, and that usually will drive most people pissed. Or maybe he's just a douche.")
Quite often I also whine. I believe you guys have seen enough of it *bows shyly*. This one is 100% subjective so... I dunno, despite the intentions, I guess that's bad of me too.
Some friends of mine do slander others. I usually shut my mouth; and don't register any of it, nor participate beyond giving my judgement. "Eh, I think she's just this. (end of opinion)". I usually observe the speaker instead; what image they are trying to make, what that are saying about their relationships, etc; I guess that same thing can be traced back with me. God knows how much slanders I have talked about my family. >___>; <____<;
Often enough, I discuss what to do with some people-- a-la Emotional Support and Advice. "Hmm, if X's doing this to you, then I suggest you to do Z". I dunno; with faulty intentions or faulty understanding it -can- be as malicious as other words, only coated with sweeter phrasing....so. Yeah.
What defines gossip, again..?
I think I know one point of why people gossip; a point of gossip is having fun with -- how far you can make things as outrageous as possible, and wait for the altered opinions to spread. Add that I think people who are being gossiped often are not THATCLOSE with the speaker(s), if not directly hated / disliked. There's also social control aspect, but that one can kiss my....sprinkled cupcakes.
I'm probably guilty of spreading weird / unreal opinions. After all, it's highly possible that each person has their own look at things, and....I'm not trusting myself to have the most impartial, sanest view of things; people included,
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