Talking/mocking behind others' backs | INFJ Forum

Talking/mocking behind others' backs

Ciergan

Ciergan

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Oct 24, 2011
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This is my number one pet peeve. On the rare occasions that I do this, it feels wrong and unhealthy. I prefer to engage each person on his/her own terms at that time. This way I don't need to be roped into any unnecessary conflicts that keep me from being constructive.

When this has happened "to" me, I find it's nearly always because of my INFJ traits. Those who do this also nearly always have anti-social behavior anyway, so that's been the thrust behind me mostly getting over this. Needless to say, however, this is also the biggest roadblock I have with developing connections of any kind: "Are you going to talk about me behind my back?" When I hear others do this, I automatically feel less trusting of them and I back away emotionally. Trouble is, this seems to be a behavior that most people do on a regular basis.

What about you? Do you tend to do this? How has this influenced you?
 
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What people say about me behind my back means nothing to me. I have principles that I live by, I try my best to be a good person, do good things, and not hurt people. If people don't like me, it's not my problem.
 
Norton said:
What people say about me behind my back means nothing to me. I have principles that I live by, I try my best to be a good person, do good things, and not hurt people. If people don't like me, it's not my problem.
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Same here.....yeah that's pretty much it, I have nothing to add. xD
 
It depends. I don't talk about people I am close to with others, unless it's a serious issue that I'd like input on, and then I only dicuss those things with others that I can really trust. I don't divulge private information that could give any sort of power to others over the person I'm talking about.

I tend not to talk about others, simply because they just rarely come up in conversation. I don't spread shit about people, unless they have hurt me or others or have been mean/unfair to me and it's been bothering me, and even then I try to be unbiased. I just tell people the facts and why what happened bothered me. But, I'd be just as likely to bring it up with the person in question if I thought they'd listen to me and/or if I thought they would benefit from my input on their behaviour. I can agree though that it does feel "wrong" to gossip about others negatively with a group of people. I just think "ganging up" on someone in any form is unfair.

People have always talked about one another though and always will. It's a natural social occurance. Try not to worry about it too much: consider that everyone gets talked about equally.
 
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I've done it and regretted it after. I usually feel guilty about it. I did it recently, and I was pretty judgmental about the person. Didn't feel that great afterwards. I try not to do it but sometimes, it's easy to fall into it when you're angry or upset.
 
I can completely relate. This is why I am more anti-social than I would like to be. I don't like dealing with people who gossip or get their feelings hurt and say nasty things. When I feel angry or upset I try to respond in a constructive way rather than destructrive.
 
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Ciergan said:
This is my number one pet peeve. On the rare occasions that I do this, it feels wrong and unhealthy. I prefer to engage each person on his/her own terms at that time. This way I don't need to be roped into any unnecessary conflicts that keep me from being constructive.

When this has happened "to" me, I find it's nearly always because of my INFJ traits. Those who do this also nearly always have anti-social behavior anyway, so that's been the thrust behind me mostly getting over this. Needless to say, however, this is also the biggest roadblock I have with developing connections of any kind: "Are you going to talk about me behind my back?" When I hear others do this, I automatically feel less trusting of them and I back away emotionally. Trouble is, this seems to be a behavior that most people do on a regular basis.

What about you? Do you tend to do this? How has this influenced you?
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Interesting. Myself, I will say exactly how I feel about a person, but not to people they know, or not even to my friends/family. Blogs/writing are usually my sources of venting about d-bags, lol, and I try to keep it pretty anonymous. Basically I'm not going to sit there and say something indirectly to someone, hoping they or someone they know will see or hear it. If I have a problem with someone, I write away and it usually helps me feel better.

I have been around people who gossip and it does make you a bit on edge. Like, if that's what they say about ____, what do they say about me when I'm not around...? I agree for the most part backtalk itself really can't harm me, for the most part it is unknown.
 
People do it to maintain their place in the hierarchy.
One person makes a gaffe and they are scapegoated. It makes little difference if it occurs to their face or behind their back. The motivation is the same.
We live vicariously through their mistakes, purging our own guilty thoughts and desires and deeds to validate our own purity in the hierarchy.
This is an aspect of human culture that almost all of us who function in society partake in. It is ugly but you can't really escape it. It is essential to maintaining a place in any group.
 
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I have gossiped and said not so nice things about people behind their backs. Sometimes I feel bad about it depending on the mood I'm in while I am doing it and the reason why I am doing it. I am generally careful to stick to truthful observations that I make about people so that if it ever so happens that I get confronted about it, I won't have any problem admitting to what I've said. I try to be direct with people about how I feel about them, though. Sometimes I use gossip as a means to vent to someone else so that I don't say anything that is hurtful or unnecessary to the person in question.
 
I've been doing this lately with one close friend and I need to stop. For me, it's usually:

1) Not feeling secure and happy myself and 2) Being too afraid to speak with her directly about the conflicts

I'm not very proud of it.
 
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Its worse to not be talked about at all.
 
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Hmmmm, I suppose it depends on the context of the discussion. Two people talking shit about me privately? Fine, I don't really care, I likely know that those people don't like me anyway.

Being talked about in a more large scale way as if trying to find some solution to something I've said or done? I abhor it. If you have a fucking problem your best bet of resolving it is going straight to the source. There's no reason to pussy foot around it. By not going to the source in those types of situations it shows a lack of empathy and compassion as if you are sitting atop your mountain and judging without a full understanding of the situation. You don't want an answer is the truth of it.
 
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Yeah, I'm guilty of doing it too.
Here in Minnesota, the land of the passive aggressives, it is very common and taken for granted that you will be slandered behind your back.

:gossip:
 
Funny, I was just thinking of this the other day. Every time I catch myself talking about other people behind their backs I start wondering how many things, worse even than what I've said, have been said about me, that I'll never even know about. Not because I cared really, just imagining the possibilities. I probably wouldn't really want to hear some of the things that have been said about me... :p I usually only do this when the person in question has really pissed me off in some way.
 
I don't slander or spread rumors or anything of that sort...it feels wrong, but I do like to analyze common acquaintances with my husband (in private). =P
 
Ciergan said:
This is my number one pet peeve. On the rare occasions that I do this, it feels wrong and unhealthy.
Click to expand...

I always thought that talking behind others' back is such an F thing. Because you can't confront them face-to-face, you do it behind their backs as a retaliation.
 
"your opinion of me is none of my business"

i don't gossip - i hate it. if someone starts gossiping to me i always say 'that's none of my business.' it pisses the person off that is doing the gossiping, but i find they don't bother to share that nastiness with me again. which is fine with me.

have i ever said something derogatory about another person? sure, but i wouldn't say anything about a person i am not prepared to, or haven't already, said to their face.
 
I am the same way.Of course,pretty much everyone will have someone talking about them behind their backs at some point in life.But,i do believe INFJ's tend to take things like this a lot more seriously and personally than most people.I also think it has to do with our strong internal "values-morals' thing.We,on a much deeper level than most,'UNDERSTAND" how wrong and disrespectful it is to do this..therefore,we tend to not want to tolerate it at all.I too make it a point to try to never do this.I've never been one to gossip or bad mouth someone behind their back.And,i tend to require the same decency from people i associate with.Unfortunately,most people are not like me,and i end up being hurt and disappointed.I guess this is one of the many reasons i don't have many friends and tend to keep to myself.Who needs all the backstabbing/drama that comes along with most interpersonal relationships these days?...
 
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