So theres this girl.... | INFJ Forum

So theres this girl....

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Faye, Mar 24, 2009.

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  1. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    The stereotype, and perhaps the reality, is that most guys are obsessed with sex and physical appearance, often to the extent that other aspects of a person become of relatively little importance to their physical appearance. The stereotype, and perhaps the reality, is that most girls desire the intimacy and emotional side as opposed to purely physical appearance.

    I can identify with both of these. I want both intimacy and physical appearance. I don't understand my sexuality in any case, but I do know that if I date a girl who I don't find attractive, it haunts me and make me much less committed than I would be otherwise. Likewise, I would never date a girl whom I could not be intimate with, and I believe that intimacy is more important to me than sex, but I can't get away from the emphasis on physical appearance.

    Here is my dilemma:

    I've met a girl who I think is a great person; she is easy to talk to, very friendly, seems intelligent, and I think we would get along great. The problem is that I don't really find her attractive, but on the other hand, I have been obsessing about her the way I crush on girls who are very physically attractive. I am attracted to her personality, strongly.

    Another thing that confuses me is that while I feel like I can't control who I do and do not find attractive, it seems to be malleable to some extent. I don't understand it, to say the least. I cannot trust it, but I cannot escape it either.

    Obviously, if I got into a relationship with a girl, I would want to believe that she is physically attractive, and I would want to tell her. If she wasn't, I would want to lie. I can't not say it; that would be terrible.

    The question is this: Should I see if she is interested in a relationship? She is not physically unattractive, nor is she particularly attractive. She is in the middle. I've realized that I am a fairly attractive person, although I don't feel that way most of the time. The reason that I am focusing so much on looks is that I think they were a big factor in the destruction of my last relationship. Furthermore, I have rejected 2 girls in the past month or so mainly because they are obese.

    I feel bad focusing on this, but I can't really escape it. Yes personality is important too. I think that it is more important, but personality I can understand. Looks are more complicated.

    I think that I'm a bad judge at this sort of thing. I don't know what it takes to make a relationship work. Communication? Compatible personalities? The right expectations?

    I thought that I was ugly for years and I couldn't stand to look in a mirror (at least not to evaluate myself, I could comb my hair or whatever). To some extent it affected my eating habits, causing me to eat poorly and eat less than I should.

    This is the first time in my life that I've ever really been into all this stuff, all this possibility. I had some other stuff that I wanted to talk about, but I've written enough. What do you think?
     
  2. the

    the Si master race.
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    Even though you dscribe her as ....not unattractive , but not attractive.... I feel like this meands she is ugly. And if that is a problem for you then dont date her. Mind you I am very drink right now. So maybe I will change my mind or have good advice for tyou then. I dont know if I have eneven given you adivece yet.
     
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  3. Naxx

    Naxx Permanent Fixture

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    If you enjoy spending time with her let that be the main focus. If things happen they'll happen for now just enjoy the ride.

    No need to really decide as if it's a switch to be turned on or off.
     
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  4. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    Hmm I find this strange, I think you are making it problematic by separating physical and mental attraction. Usually if you fall inlove with the personality so to say then it takes over and outnumbers the physical attraction. Like if you fall for the personality then this will become the physical attraction as well, sort of unseparable. It should be a whole :)
     
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  5. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Dragon, I'm assuming you're pretty young...and although I understand the superficiality of wanting the model girl with the model looks (and I know your struggles with it), I think you'll end up in a stronger relationship with someone you'd deem "less than pretty". Why? Because your heart will be making the decision for you instead of your mind. Finding both is possible but as you get older you'll discover things that are less important to you. You won't care what she looks like as much because that becomes less important.

    You'll start caring about *her.*

    Anyway. Good luck in your search - and I hope you can reconcile your feelings if this new girl turns out to be "the one."
     
  6. Motor Jax

    Motor Jax randomness included
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    i concur with arbygil...
     
  7. INTJ Guy

    INTJ Guy Regular Poster

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    Like you said, it's malleable. I read in a study somewhere that the more you grow attracted to someone, the less you focus on their physical appearance. They actually become more attractive in your eyes.

    Perhaps you should see if she is open to a relationship, but at the same time I wouldn't risk getting involved with her if you can't get over her lack of physical attractiveness, it may get in the way.
     
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  8. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I think maybe you will begin to find her physically attractive if you date her and get to know her beautiful personality even more... I dated a guy I was not physically attracted to at all, but who I thought had a great personality and brilliant mind..and I found those things very intriguing. I found myself as time went on really attracted to him physically anyway... but hey. That's just me.

    Well, if you're interested in her then.. you're interested in her! What's the difference? I don't really get the dilemma...You are into good lookin' womenz and here you find yourself quite taken with a plain woman who possesses an attractive personality. I'd say see if she wants to date you and then date her. It's not like you have to marry her for godsake.
     
    #8 acd, Mar 24, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2009
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  9. OP
    Faye

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    It should be whole, but like I said, it is malleable. Nothing is ever whole for me anyway. I split hairs when there are no hairs to split. You are right though. They should be inseparable. One would suggest the other. What I really need to do is spend some time with her in person.
     
  10. OP
    Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    Why not?
     
  11. Naxx

    Naxx Permanent Fixture

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    If it's about relationships at it's core are feelings, how do you truly feel about it?

    Perhaps you don't fully know, does anyone fully understand?

    Being one of the strongest intuitors could you use your strength and let it guide your way or atleast guide you to more personal truth?
     
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  12. OP
    Faye

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    Well, today I say her in person. Everything seems to have flipped. She is attractive in person, but I don't know about personality anymore.

    I guess I really don't know what is going on, or if I even really want to be with her or someone else, so maybe I should just wait.

    On one hand, I am desperately lonely. On the other hand, I know that I am in a good situation and I have plenty of time to meet someone.
     
  13. Naxx

    Naxx Permanent Fixture

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    I'd say just go for it.

    This is based off everything you've said.
     
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  14. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Go for it.

    You gotta take every opportunity you can get to find love.

    Trust me, it doesn't get easier as you get older.
     
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  15. OP
    Faye

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    I can't deal with all this. There are so many things that could happen and so many girls that I could end up with, or I could end up alone.

    I don't know why I was thinking about this like this in the first place.
     
  16. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    Well if all else fails, by all else I mean that hyperintutive, hyperanalytical, hyperheadache thing. Just try it, so your confused why not just experiment.
    :m051:
     
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  17. yepunsarang

    yepunsarang Community Member

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    Hey


    Personally, I feel like there is no real difference whether or not she's attractive or not. You love her personality, you're attracted to her either way. So let it go that way. I know you might be buggered out by it, but with how much you like her even now, I think that won't be an issue later. Personally, I feel like it's way harder to find someone with a beautiful personality and inner self than someone who is "good looking" outwardly. I am the type that falls heads over heels when there's someone with this charismatic, amazing personality. Just follow your heart.
     
  18. Creon

    Creon Community Member

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    OOhhhh man. Nodody told you to marry her. RELAX. It's not as if you're making a monumental decision about the future of the universe. Just take it easy. If you like her personality, then why the hell not go for it. Just be honest and that's all, and if it doesn't work, you just break up(and get hurt). What part of it sounds strange?

    And I have an absolute truth for you. Ready?

    Quoting Kung Fu Panda: There is no secret ingredient. And noone is a good judge at this sort of thing, even if they tell you they are. Every relationship is different and there is no golden recipe. So just be yourself.

    In the end, it's better to regret about something you did, than something you didn't do.
     
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  19. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    Ohhh I don't no about that I have done some stupid things and not done dome awesome things they both suck. :m037:
     
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  20. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    Desperation shouldn't be your motivator. That precipitates all kinds of fear responses, and you may "force" yourself to like her. If you're not sure about her personality, get to know her better before dating. Maybe she was just nervous and it's a false alarm. Maybe it's your intuition warning you. Something to think about.

    My $0.02 Canadian for what it's worth - which is surprisingly little considering the current exchange rate.
     
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