Shyness | INFJ Forum

Shyness

Appoggiatura

Appoggiatura

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Jan 23, 2009
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Shyness. oh, shyness...my single greatest source of personal frustration.

I'm too shy, and I feel that it is a problem preventing me from feeling as happy as I could and should for most of my life.
I'm too shy around strangers, meeting people for the first time.
I'm too shy around acquaintances and friends even, not really letting anyone know who I am and what I'm like. I often wonder what sorts of best friends I could've had had I been less "shelled-up".
I'm too shy in promoting myself, and I've missed many opportunities and rewards because of this..

Is there any plausible way for me to fix or improve this issue ? ..or is this shyness ingrained and part of my nature..

Any responses would be much appreciated :m178: Thanks !
 
Go get a job working with the public. Being a cashier helped out my social skills a little bit, even if all of my coworkers think I'm weird (as far as I know most of them still like me, though).
 
I agree with J. Cardigan. Getting a job where you have to work with people can help improve your social skills. Plus, the fact you get rewarded from the work might help further your commitment to the job.

One thing I can suggest is maybe volunteer at a local bookshop or library. I know my local bookstore has a thing on Saturday morning's where we read to little kids. I was shy as heck at first, had poor speaking skills, etc. I was a shy wreck. But after a few times of reading aloud to kids and their parents, who I didn't know, I grew more comfortable to speaking with friends, family, strangers, teachers, et cetera, on a wide variety of subjects, to trivial matters such as books, or to philosophical subjects.

So maybe see if your local library or if a bookstore does something like that. It helps you, entertains the kids, and helps support community morale:mhula:
 
I also found joining a theater group helps a lot. Get on stage and have some fun. You get to be silly, hiding behind the mask of your character. Eventually, shyness will be an impossibility (drama people are good at being the wild and crazy type needed to destroy shyness). over three years onstage, I went from being one of the quietest people around, to having zero shyness (I'm would say I'm the loudest, because I at least respect other people's right to peace, but I'm most certainly not shy anymore).
 
I use to be a very shy teenager. The way I broke out of my shell was mostly on accident.

First off, I played alot of social games online, I felt comfortable talking to the people I couldn't see, and it helped me develope more social skills for latter (and typing speed!)

And secondly, I happend to run into an amazing girl at the time that loved me, and would not let me stay in my shell. She stuck with me, and chizzled away at my shell untill it was all but gone. If it wasn't fo her, I wouldn't be the person I am now.

So, my best advice, find a sistuation that you can be comfortable, at least partly, socializing in. Just relax, talk to people, flirt a bit, relize that everyone makes an ass of themselves sometimes and learn to laugh at yourself. If you can move past the doubts about how people feel for you, even if it takes one step at a time, then you can fully over come your shyness. (and it would help to find a good girl/guy like I did!)
 
I'm the same as you, Appog. I'm quite a shy person (especially around girls :embarassed:), but I'm slowly breaking out of it.

I agree with General Scorch. I've been working as a volunteer youth worker for about eight months now. For the majority of my time there I have been really shy about approaching the kids, and I would only do it if I had another leader with me. Now I feel more comfortable talking to the kids, and now I can do it by myself. My advice to anybody in the same situation is too start out by socializing with the shy kids. This gives the opportunity for one on one conversations (great for INFJs), and also it's a lot less intimidating because you know that they're just as nervous as you are.

I also agree with NaeturVindur. Drama classes can be a great way to overcome shyness because often you're forced to be loud and outgoing. Also, it's a bit easier at breaking out of your shell when you can pretend to be someone else. I had a really great drama teacher for a period of time and she really helped with getting me to come out of my shell for a while.
 
i USED TO BE VERY VERY VERY VERY SHY

really:m056: shy......

but now, I guess i learned not to be shy
:m129:
before i don't usually go out of the house except to go to school

but now, since i love dancing, i go to dance schools and all and performing on stage helps....


how about try going out of your house often (i did this for like three months):m177:
and walk around with someone you're comfortable with then feel the people around you

do this a lot of times then you would get the hang of it
you won't feel the need to hide :m136:yourself from others.

i think it gave me more confidence (it could give you too... knowing that they're just people ......people LIKE ME)
:mhula:
 
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Hey, I know how you feel and can relate to every single thing you said. I'm shy too, but I'm much better than before. Still working on it, but I've come a long way. Yea, it does prevent you from doing a lot of things and really showing your full potential (whether it is at work, sch, in relationships, approaching people/someone you're interested in, etc). You just have to stop worrying what people think about you. Then, you've to work on your confidence (because it has to do with it, apart from being naturally shy -if you are as well; or things you may have experienced in the past that may have contributed to it...because it also has to do with -past- experiences too). Don't be afraid to speak up when you need to, stand up for yourself, ask questions, etc. And as pple already mentioned, you've to actually put yourself in those social situations you dread, and I know it's hard, but that's one of the best ways you'll overcome this. How about joining a club at sch, a club having to do with an activity you enjoy? Getting a job involving dealing with people is also a good idea. I also heard of 'Toastmasters.' They help pple with shyness, pple who want to be better at public speaking -either for their work or just their personal lives. Go to toastmasters.org and you can find a location near you. I hear they really help and I've read some of their testimonies too, but you've to do that one thing you're afraid to do: stand and speak in front of pple. I'm planning to join too by next summer because I think it's going to help me even more as well.
 
The trick for me is a sort of excitement to expose my weirdness and then to be just as excited to defend it. I mean, being a very expressive INFJ confounds people and provokes some pretty enaging little battles, and then my trick is to adopt a very confident and often playful attitude to sort of hit the ball back at them. Let me explain.

So one of my good friends is an ESTP. This guy LOVES to argue, and nearly every idea I have just drives him crazy and ruffles his feathers, and he will come after me fast and hard. ESTPs would normally be a reason to stay quiet for a shy and unsure person because they are just turbo-spazzes. I don't know how many of you are friends with an ESTP, but you have to learn to have fun and laugh about juggling their fiery and aggressive super-spaz tongues. But it becomes a lot of fun to sort of get good at fielding their attacks by mostly just displaying how proud you are of your perspective even though it's so different from the fiesty ESTP practically shaking you.

I guess what I'm trying to illustrate here, is that after a little experience, even with the most raucous of types that want to peel you apart, with just a small portion of confidence and excitement to voice your unique and engaging perspective, you can have stolen the interests and hearts of those that sorround you. It's about having at least a little pride over your own perspective as though it were your piece in some kind of game.

Maybe another useful example is how I cope with giving speeches in classes. There is no getting around the huge feeling of anxiety for me, or that obsessiveness that occurs afterwards. I will, without fail, be practically shaking. So, my method is to out-pace the anxiety with excitement. It doesn't remove the anxiety, it just overpowers it. It's to imagine delivering some ideas I'm excited about people experiencing, because they are only going to experience them that way through me!
 
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I was extremely shy when I was younger. Now I can switch it on and off when I want to. If I'm uninterested or don't like people I'm newly acquainted with, I act "shy" to ward them off. Anyway, I worked as a waitress and a cashier for about three years, and then I worked another job that had me interacting with customers. Now I run my own business and I am constantly in contact with clients. Working as a cashier and a waitress busts you right out of your shell. Now I'm pretty out there, for the most part. But like I said, I can switch it on and off. It's totally within my control at this point, whereas my shyness used to control me.

I think it's definitely about forcing yourself to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. The more you do that, the easier it gets. It's a form of behavior modification, really.
 
Shyness is often situational. There may be very good reasons for you feeling uncomfortable in certain situations or around certain people. It may be your way of telling yourself that you're not where you want to be, and voting with your feet on such matters is a valid option.
On the other hand, there are undoubtedly places you feel at ease and people with whom you do not feel shy at all. Identify these and focus on them. The more time you spend in situations where you are not shy, the greater your confidence will become, because you will see yourself in a different light. If you spend too great a percentage of your time in stressful situations around people who make you feel shy, then you will only know this side of yourself and assume it is you who is the problem. So work on seeing yourself at your best, in your best surroundings amidst those who make you feel good... then you will find it easier to be in the difficult cricumstances, as you will see it is only one aspect of your existence.

Blessings x
 
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J. Cardigan said:
Go get a job working with the public. Being a cashier helped out my social skills a little bit, even if all of my coworkers think I'm weird (as far as I know most of them still like me, though).
Click to expand...

What I was gonna say. I started working as a CSR last year and it has done wonders.

secretsmile also has the right idea about forcing yourself out of your comfort zone. Just do it a little bit at a time and once you realise it isn't so bad it will just add to your confidence and make it much easier to take the next step.

My secret weapon though is an ENFP friend that I've known since early highscool. She has the most wonderful energy that makes me feel so at ease with myself and I just sort of bottle it up and take it with me when I need/want to be social. If you are lucky enough to find someone like that please cherish them.
 
I don't believe in shyness :D There can be a lot of things hiding behind that label: over-sensitivity (see HSP), fear of rejection, fear to do something embarassing, self subbotage, overcomparing yourself, sexual tensions etc. You should explore more what causes that "shyness" first.
 
Appoggiatura said:
Shyness. oh, shyness...my single greatest source of personal frustration.

I'm too shy, and I feel that it is a problem preventing me from feeling as happy as I could and should for most of my life.
I'm too shy around strangers, meeting people for the first time.
I'm too shy around acquaintances and friends even, not really letting anyone know who I am and what I'm like. I often wonder what sorts of best friends I could've had had I been less "shelled-up".
I'm too shy in promoting myself, and I've missed many opportunities and rewards because of this..

Is there any plausible way for me to fix or improve this issue ? ..or is this shyness ingrained and part of my nature..

Any responses would be much appreciated :m178: Thanks !
Click to expand...


I can relate, somewhat. I feel there are two sides of me. I'm sure I seem extroverted to others. I can be over-the-top...chatting up everyone... It's totally involuntary. I overcompensate socially to hide the fact that I actually feel very awkward around others. I spend 95% of my time alone. The few times I've let people get to know me closely, they're shocked that I'm not as gregarious as first appeared.
 
according to Marti Olsen Laney, "Shyness is not who you are (like introversion), it is what you think other people think you are, and therefore it is responsive to behavior change"
 
Tamagochi said:
I don't believe in shyness :D There can be a lot of things hiding behind that label: over-sensitivity (see HSP), fear of rejection, fear to do something embarassing, self subbotage, overcomparing yourself, sexual tensions etc. You should explore more what causes that "shyness" first.
Click to expand...

Accurate!
 
i always grew up with shyness pulling me back but when i learned i was an INFJ i realised im not shy- i just don't like to be number 1
 
If it's fear of embarrassment here's something useful a friend told me a while back:
In either case don't forget the ultimate trick to getting away with anything without losing face; never be ashamed of what you do. Stand by what you have done, never try to explain it away or something like that. I used to wonder how it was some people seemed to be able to get away with anything no matter how embarrassing without anyone ever noticing and I finally figured out that it's really that simple; do whatever you want and never apologize for it and everyone will accept it.
Click to expand...
 
Oh, Eniko. I so strive to be like that quote that your friend is. The problem is it is so much easier said then done! I have made progress with it, but it is so hard to overcome embaressment. It is the one thing I will avoid at all costs. I can't even really watch movies that are embaressing because I will feel the embaressment of the characters and have to get up and leave (major reason why I don't like these new string of movies along the styles of superbad).
 
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