Should I Doorslam My Best Friend/Soulmate? :( | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

Should I Doorslam My Best Friend/Soulmate? :(

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Jonah Caan, Jan 25, 2019.

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  1. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    Cheers man, I'm definately getting there thanks.

    Yes he told me he has a girlfriend. You just reminded me about something - He only told me he had a girlfriend after he broke up with me, although he was seeing her for several months while we were still 'together'. We were open to dating girls at the time as long as we told eachother but he kept it from me. Then when I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner, he said he was worried things would change between us.

    You're right I think. He probably didn't tell me he moved in with his gf because of fear of rejection. That's just sefish.

    For me friendship is higher in rank than even romantic relationships and someone lying to me for selfish reasons is a red flag.

    No, he doesn't know I snooped on his Instagram. Otherwise he wouldn't have lied to me. I find it so embarrassing that I do that though. Now that I know he's well and happy, I need to stop doing that.
     
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  2. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    It does change the tone of his texts to you.

    I prefer to be more direct in conversations, and not play games or be passive aggressive, but in cases like these being direct could make it worse.
    It seems like he told you he lives alone because that would be the best scenario to meet up with you behind his girlfriend's back. He did not say this, though. If you say something he could accuse you of starting trouble.

    If you want to call him on his lie you could do it with a <3 or comment ("So happy for both of you!") on one of his IG photos.
    You could also ignore the entire situation, let it go and move forward living your happy life.
    Or, you could let it go and the next time he texts you, ask him if his girlfriend likes the place, too.

    I'd probably just take note of the lie on my internal notebook about each of my friends, and move forward living my life.
     
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  3. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    Thank you, what you have said above is what I'm choosing to do:) I'm in a great place after so long. I sat through all my emotions last year in order to burn the bridges that needed to be, so that I could keep the gates of friendship open to him. But if he is still stuck in the past, he won't find me there. It's not fair on the girl he's with either.

    Yes, I accept that we're all human and it's in our nature to make mistakes. I myself admit to lying or holding back a truth if I think it's going to hurt someone. But to lie for selfish reasons crosses the line for me.

    Thank you so much for your time and support on here; it means more to me than I can say.
     
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  4. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Oh, I didn't mean hold it against him, but that the lie reveals information about him that is helpful for future interactions. (In this case, that he my have feelings for you and may be thinking of going back to the past.) That seems to be what you are doing anyway. :)


    And that is what we are here for. <3
     
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  5. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    Yes you're right, it's definitely helpful. I don't want to go back there so I think it's best if I just keep my distance.

    I was quite angry and confused yesterday as to why he lied to me. But today, I feel indifferent to it and it feels liberating:)

    I don't know... I always like to be direct but with him now it feels like I can't be. It all feels pretentious although I understand it is a transitionally period. Him lying to me has just made me step back further and I think that's definitely a good thing for me.

    I'm glad that I have had all the experiences of heartbreak and everything afterwards. I feel like it has made me a better version of myself and I have also started to think about myself too, whereas before I would completely sacrifice my own happiness for others (which was so unhealthy).
     
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  6. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    :<3: YASSSS!!!!!!!!! :<3:
     
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  7. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    :relaxed::relaxed::relaxed:

    :<3yellow:
     
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    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    Hey guys,

    I feel like I'm digging up a grave with this thread but I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who helped me through this; namely @JennyDaniella, @Ginny, @Asa, @Hostarius and @ClevelandINTP.

    It was truly one of the darkest times of my life and all of your thoughts and wisdom was one of the main driving factors that have got me here, where I feel like I'm alive again. I took on your advice and it helped me to better myself as well to pave the way for a healthier relationship between me and him.

    In regards to the matter with my ex/soulmate/friend, he got back in contact with me in mid February with the following messages. This is after 7 months of almost no contact and very small patches of hot/cold messages from him.

    Him: "Truth is I messaged you as I've felt a fair bit of guilt for a while. I've never felt good about making myself distant from you but I absolutely had to. You're the one it really hurt and I know that. It made me sad and I missed you a lot."

    I told him he had nothing to worry about and reminded him that I always wanted him to leave me so he can move on positively with his life.

    Him: "You're an incredible person but you already know that. Selfless. So much more than me. We always knew, I think, there was a shelf life to how we was."

    Me: "I always knew that what happened would happen man. From the beginning. But I knew that the pain afterwards was going to be worth it. I just wanted to enjoy the time we had and just cherish it whilst we had it."

    Him: (What he said here made me cry) "I'm such a better person because of you. I still am. I don't think I knew love before"

    Me: "I always tried to get you to see yourself through my eyes. I knew you would then love yourself more and that's what you needed to move forward like you needed to. i remember the first time you told me how you feel, and I said that I'm glad we don't have a conventional relationship and so on. it was just different with you. I just wanted you to be happy, whether I was in your life or not."

    Him: "I know it was and still is an amazing thing that happened to us both. What I did in regards to breaking contact was what comes naturally to me and I buried it and our natural every day conversations. but it was also because I knew if I held on with inconsequential talk it would make it harder for you."

    Me: "I told you the last time we met that you're doing the perfectly right thing. I used to feel so guilty and just wanted you to be happy with someone who can really be there for you. Some (conventional) bridges had to be burnt. For the betterment of both of us."

    Him: "Yes you did. I have found that now, something that would never have been possible without the priceless things that you gave me."

    Since this, we have been chatting with each-other more and more deeply. It feels like the most healthy of friendships and the friendship seems to be getting purer by the day. I feel like my trust for him is also strengthening. It's exactly what I always wanted and how I saw our relationship in the long term. I had forgotten how alike we were and how our thinking mirrored each-other's. It scares me a bit, in a beautiful way though haha.

    I'm so glad that we're both on the same page with how our relationship should be and since the last month, he has started opening up about about how he's feeling too. His relationship with his girlfriend isn't as blissful as it seemed on their social media and he is still feeling depressed and anxious on days. He said he does not want to talk about his bisexuality though for his own sanity and I respect that; I'm just here for him without wanting or needing much in return. they're also arguing but I'm not coming into their relationship; I just want to strengthen our friendship right now and just provide him with the loving support to continue living his life how he wants.

    Had it not been for you guys, I would have door-slammed him during that phase of his hot/cold messages and would have missed this chance of having one of the deepest friendships of my life. We're taking it slow but everything just feels right and healthy. Even more so than when we were initially together. So glad we're not in a conventional romantic type of relationship now and that those conventional feelings have dissipated.

    Thank you again; I can never repay you guys for this. You gave me so much of your time and I will always be grateful.

    x x x
     
    #48 Jonah Caan, May 8, 2019
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
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  9. l4sc5_

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    Glad to hear! Much love
     
  10. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    Aww you’re very welcome Jonah! I’m glad you guys are reaching great terms regarding friendship. I’m really happy to see that. :)

    Sending you love and light!
     
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