Should I Doorslam My Best Friend/Soulmate? :( | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Featured Should I Doorslam My Best Friend/Soulmate? :(

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Jonah Caan, Jan 25, 2019.

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  1. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Yeah, I've always believed in that saying (although it's a little cheesy) that you can't pour from an empty cup. I've gotten myself in that situation plenty of times.

    Thanks for the reminder:)
     
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  2. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    This really put my ego to bed:hushed::tearsofjoy:... It'll probably be back in the morning though.

    I do tend to overthink things once my mind gets going; I start looking for patterns in everything and start over-analysing until nothing makes sense and I have to start all-over.

    Thank you for reminding me about both:)
     
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  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius Apostate INFJ

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    Hi Jonah,

    What I said was just one perspective from an admittedly rather extreme angle, but I think it's worth bearing in mind the most serious outcomes. You are closest to the situation and hopefully will be able to judge an appropriate response.

    And like before, what I'm saying now is coming from that plsce of looking at this from a particular, serious perspective:

    You mentioned his Instagram. To me this sounds as if he's trying to externalise his ideal self in order to make it more real for him and others. That is, he's using social media as an instrument of his denial.

    The other aspect to this surprised me: you said he was in the UK, and implied that there was no cultural reason why he couldn't come out. I can imagine a few very particular situations in which this simply wouldn't be possible (as in your case, for instance), but in general it isn't a problem. I have a few gay friends (one gay, one lesbian) who prefer to keep their orientation private professionally (and that's only with the children they work with, not colleagues - they're teachers), but in private they're absolutely their true selves (this is UK, too).

    With this in mind, and considering his girlfriend, I have to say that there is a very definite element of cowardice and selfishness at play here. Unless he's been honest with her, I can see him ruining her life at some point when he can no longer bear living the lie anymore; and this is in the context of them moving in together and getting serious.

    Again, I'm coming from a particular perspective here, and you may find that the other forum members are giving more measured advice, so please consider this if you choose to take it into account or not.

    Having said that, however, I do think there is a real risk here. He's not healthy and he's putting himself into an increasingly repressive situation; the pressure will only build and unfortunately the damage dealt to those around him when it goes off will be much greater.

    The question is, though, to what extent is any of this your responsibility?
     
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  4. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    There is one key point that is being overlooked: The friend said he did not want contact*. This is a boundary. To contact him would be overstepping a boundary.
    This puts everything about what to say, how to say, it, etc, to rest. No contact means no contact.
    (*I can't find the passage where you said this now, @Jonah Caan, or I'd quote it.)

    Is he manipulating you?
    Communication privileges need to be the same for both of you. You said he doesn't want you to contact him, but you mentioned he occasionally texts you. That's an imbalance of power in the friendship. Both of you deserve the same privileges. Honestly, if he is trying to keep the lid on his sexuality, the rules he is making for your friendship make the friendship more suspicious. Two platonic guy friends would just text sometimes, and interact on social media casually.

    You've mentioned that he may be stringing you along, and trying to keep you from letting go. If this is the case, and you continue communicating, you need to set boundaries with him to protect your heart. You're going to have to politely confront the situation and let him know what he is allowed to say to you, and when he says something inappropriate. (@ClevelandINTP's suggestion to use the word 'friend' is good.) Your responses to his texts can set the boundaries. The questions you ask can set boundaries. I'm not a fan od being passive aggressive, but in this case, ignoring anything he says that is unfair may be the best way to show a boundary.

    Like @Hostarius, I do worry that he is suicidal. As the person who knows why, you are a lifeline. You need to set boundaries internally so keeping in touch doesn't hurt you, but you're open to communication if he needs you. It is unfair of him to burden you with this when you don't truly have a close friendship with him anymore, and it is not your fault if anything happens to him. You can't truly be there for someone who won't let you in, but just keep the lifeline open.

    Instagram is not reality. It's more common for insecure people, and those newly in love, to post about their relationships often and act like the perfect couple online.
    He has chosen a person and a lifestyle. If he is bi, this fits his needs. If he is gay he may come out years from now, and he may not. I know someone who is not out and he is 50. While he is obviously denying himself true happiness, he has built a life he is happy with. Unfortunately, your friend did not choose you, so your job is to get over him. Some personalities are better at ignoring their feelings than others.

    Yes, INFJs are "all-in" when they love someone. We fall in love slowly, but once we are in love, it is difficult to shake. Unfortunately, you could have feelings for this man for many years. You need to find a way to live with loving people who are not in your life. This is true of romance and friendship. It is possible to love someone you don't interact with. Love is about giving. You give it out. Feeling love, and giving love should feel good. Heartache is the release of cortisol during stress. If you are hurting, you are stressed over this friendship. How do you find a way to be at peace with this friendship? What do you change about your own life, and add to your own life to make your life happier, less stressful (soften that heartache), and more fulfilling? As much as you say you are OK, you are still ruminating over this relationship. He has moved on (or is pretending to), so you must do the same. You can keep a lifeline open – your phone number he can text in case he is suicidal – and still move on.

    I'm most concerned with you healing and being well. I want you to be happy.
     
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  5. Hostarius

    Hostarius Apostate INFJ

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    This is very wise; I endorse all of this.
     
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  6. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    No I greatly appreciate all the different perspectives regarding this matter. I'm sorry for taking your time and hope I'm not causing anyone any upset. Except my brother, there is no one in my life that knows I'm bisexual/gay and although I feel selfish, it's helping me a great deal talking about it on here; thank you gain for your support.

    I guess I'm in the process of making a clear decision, which I hope works for him as well as for me. I'm solely responsible for the outcomes of that decision, just as he is solely responsible for any outcomes in his life as a result of the life he has chosen to live.

    I just feel like it's not fair for me to be dealing with this sometimes. He broke my heart and is getting on with his life, although I feel the same as you (i.e. he is living a lie and is repressing his feelings and so on). And yes, I'm disappointed in him in regards to the way in which he is being dishonest with the girl he is with. Having moved in together with her and not told her about himself just made me step away from him a little more. Yes it is cowardly too and all these things I have learnt about him was one of the reasons for why I wanted to block him out of my life.

    The problem with me is that when I'm unsure about something and my gut tells me something is wrong, I immediately start looking for answers. In this case, there is not much way of getting to the truth of it right now and so I think my mind begins to go into overdrive and even the smallest issue can have affect on my well-being.

    Exactly; there is not much reason for him to remain in the closet. He just said his friends would then begin questioning their friendship with him over the years and look at him differently. He comes from a working-class white family and said that he could never do that to his parents.

    The main thing that makes me feel responsible is the fact that I'm the only external link for him in regards to this truth. Also it's because I always promised him (as he did to me) from the start that we'd always be here for eachother even though we could not be together in life. It's still confusing though.

    I'm going to keep the channel of comms open to him in the meantime although we have not contacted each-other over 3 weeks now; I'll let him come to me since I already told him I'm here if he needs to talk and don't want to be interfering in his life. Then I'll get him comfortable to a point where we meet and I can discuss everything with him and see how he is for certain. If I see him face-to-face I'll instantly know if he's okay or not. After that, I will rationally decide to wither close the door on him or not.

    Thank you again.
     
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  7. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Thank you for this Asa; I greatly appreciate it.

    He said the wanted to cutout meeting up, but to always talk with each-other over text/email. But soon after the breakup, I realised that I needed to distance myself even on texts in order to heal.

    He sent me this text about a month ago (on a day he was being warm, rather than his usual cold-self after I had not contacted him for a while):

    ..."you should know I'm always a text away for whatever, even if I'm a bit late with replies I still always will mate."

    But on asking how he's been, he just said he's alright and continues to be completely closed off about his emotional state.

    You're right; I hadn't thought about this. He only tends to initiate conversation when I haven't texted him for a while. He is warmer on these instances but once he knows I'm here, he seems to go cold again.

    You reminded me that when we broke up and I asked him why he had not told me sooner about how he was feeling (i.e. scared of being outed and therefore not wanting to meet me again) he said it was because he was scared of things changing between us and that he still wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down with a woman.

    He hasn't said anything outside the boundaries I have set. Thankfully he has not been flirtatious or anything like that; that would be really awkward. My only problem is that he has closed himself up emotionally. In the past, this is what made him 'burst' and make drastic decisions.

    Keeping in touch doesn't hurt me anymore, although it did when he first broke up with me. I'm used to the way in which he communicates with me now. The main issue is that he is closed up emotionally and I'm continually worried about his emotional well-being (even at times when I don't want to be). I can't not care or think about someone I care about if I think they're hurting, no matter how much I try. So selfishly, I thought door-slamming him would put a stop to my worry. You're right, it is unfair and I feel more and more clear thanks in part to chatting on here that I am not responsible for his actions and decisions.

    I feel that I am definitely not in love with him anymore, but I still do love him. It feels like a different kind of love though; not clingy or needy. I don't need to see him or anything; just want to make sure he is alright. The thought of being in a romantic relationship with him again scares me now that I can see all the issues there were.

    Not choosing me is what I always wanted for him; I always told him to get away from me so that he can make space for someone else in his heart. But it seems like he has chosen not to have me in his life as a friend either, but just as an acquaintance (or possibly, subconsciously as a backup plan). As a result, I cannot know how he is because he's so closed up and so that wrecks havoc on my anxiety at times. Rationally thinking, I truly just want to know if he is really alright.

    You're right, I'm definitely stressing over the friendship. Maybe I'm just using the fact about his mental health as an excuse to remain in contact with him?

    Initially after the breakup, I felt like I was dying; the physical pain as well as the emotional was overwhelming. I had suicidal thoughts (although I would never act on them) along with my confidence and self-esteem left in ruins. But after a couple of months, I started going to the gym and have actually gotten much fitter and lost quite a bit of weight; I haven't felt his good about my body in over a decade. I still go 5 times a week and it's doing wonders for my metal health (which is the main reason for why I started going). I started to play football (after 20 years or so, haha) with some lads in a 5-a-side too. This had always been one of my fears (which is one of the reasons I did it), but it turned out to boost my confidence and I actually made some mates.

    I used to always love talking about films/tv series and music with my ex, so I created an account on Twitter to discuss these with followers and I absolutely love it; I now have almost 3000 followers (I love how shallow I can be sometimes, haha). It's so much fun sharing a love for something with people from so many different backgrounds.

    Romantically, I'm currently seeing a guy who I really like. But he said he has deep feelings for me, which initially made me distance myself from him out of fear of being hurt again. I've realised how this is not the way to go though and will be meeting up with him again over the weekend.

    I also started reading again, and discovering music from 60-80s as well as learning new pieces on my piano.

    But still, I still miss my ex dearly. But I don't have any need to want to talk with him or meet him; I know that the relationship we had is dead and I'm glad for it. I know that I will always have that pure love for him, which just simply wants him to be happy. I love loving him that way, without wanting to be in his life - I feel proud of myself for feeling like that about someone. I'm not looking for any comfort from him. I really just want to help him because I feel like he is hurting on the inside and is all alone. Or maybe the fact that I think about him so much means I'm not over him.

    I greatly appreciate your concern for me; normally I'm the one worried about all the people in my life more than they are about me. But at the same time I feel really bad for causing you any discomfort and taking your time.

    Thank you again, truly.
     
  8. wolly.green

    wolly.green Community Member

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    He's not your responsibility, it's that simple. It's cold - I know - but true. Further, it's not his responsibility to be open with you. He does not have to tell you his feelings if he doesn't want to.

    It's sometimes important to put your saviour complex aside when others don't want your help. I know from personal experience that "helping" me when I don't want it feels like a breach of privacy. Whether that feeling is irrational or not is up to me to decide. It's not up to you to decide for me.
     
    #28 wolly.green, Feb 8, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
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  9. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Thanks man,

    I feel like you really hit the nail on the head there; it just clicked with me. I'm going to continue giving him space; he knows where I am if he needs me.

    Cheers
     
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  10. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    @Jonah Caan - You sound amazing. Your life sounds amazing! <3 Wow. I'm impressed by how much you have done to improve your life, be happier, and be healthier.
    I'm happy to hear you are self aware and caught yourself from behaving in a way that would sabotage potential relationships.
     
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  11. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Hey Asa,

    Thank you:blush:. I feel a little embarrassed that you think my life sounds amazing since I feel like I'm failing in life on most days. But writing that reminds me that I can become an obsessive perfectionist at times and nothing I ever do is good enough for myself. I have to remind myself to just 'stop and smell the roses' sometimes.

    One thing that has only just began to recover is my work. After the breakup, I couldn't bring myself to work. I'm self-employed and have a creative kind of job and it has been really difficult to get back into it. I feel like I'm getting back in the flow of things now but I still feel deeply guilty of not working properly for all those months and letting people that rely on me down as a result.

    It's weird though, I tend to have such high expectations for myself but can understand even the worst of traits in others and accept them fully for them.

    I just feel like life is almost pointless without deep, intimate relationships - the highest and most fulfilling of which for me is friendship. Where I'm most happiest in life is when I have a balance of such relationships and also have my own space to do the things I love by myself.

    I do feel healthier and happier. I'm getting used to missing him; I've just accepted that it's something that will always be within me along with that pure love which just wants him to be happy. I'm proud of myself to be able to love someone like that. I'm relieved that that cling/needy conventional attachment is no longer there now and I have to make sure I keep it like that.

    For me, relationships were always something for life but in which the dynamics would change. I think change is a necessity for relationship both to last and for those within them to grow and continue their own individual paths in life. It took me quite some time to come to accept that some people can just completely detach from such a deep meaningful relationship. I also realised that this was something necessary.

    I'm still learning; I'll always be a student of life I guess. I'm rambling now, sorry:)

    I wish you happiness and the little joys of life.
     
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  12. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    I relate really hard to this. I'm an illustrator and working is difficult when I'm suffering any kind of heartache, dysfunction, sadness, etc, caused by relationships. The work that I do produce under pressure during these times is not as good, either.

    Also absolutely relatable.

    That sounds ideal, and I understand. Deep friendships enrich life, and so does having something of your own (whatever that means to each of us).

    The best love is wanting someone to be happy with no possessiveness or selfishness.

    INFPs can be very, "Nope, something is not right, bye," which seems to contradict their caring nature, but aligns with their idealism.

    Thank you. Back at you.
     
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  13. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    I though I was just 'making it up' in my head and just using it as an excuse to not work or something. I'm sorry you go through this too. It's horrid loving to be creative and then just losing it; feels so frustrating and debilitating.

    I'm a Web/Graphic Designer btw:)

    "Hear, hear."

    Yes, I think at it's core this is very selfish. INFPs tend to shut themselves off from others in order to come to a decision. So the only information they have in order to make that decision is their own feelings and viewpoint on the matter at hand. They are looking for what's best for them and for their self-preservation and make a decision which aligns to this.

    I feel that INFJs are the opposite to this. They take into account the feelings and opinions of those involved as well as their own feelings and viewpoint on the matter. They are then able to come to a more balanced and therefore better decision; one that they feel works for them as well as others involved.

    I've always had a hard time finding something that really distinguishes INFPs from INFJs and for me, this is it.

    When the going gets tough, the INFPs get going whilst the INFJs stick around and take the pain head-on in order to ensure that they're being true to themselves as well as catering for the needs of all those involved.
     
  14. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Hey Guys:)

    I feel like this matter will be coming to a conclusion of some sort soon. But something is troubling me today and once again, I'm reaching out for your views and wisdom. I think I need to write this for myself too because I've found that when I do, I automatically gain some clarity.

    He (my ex) contacted me today, after no contact for almost 4 weeks. As per usual after a long period of no contact, he was warm.

    Now, I had taken the amazing advice of you guys here and chosen to continue giving him his space and to let him go, after letting him know that I'm here for him if he wanted to talk. I would never have initiated a conversation with him now.

    He has chosen to contact me, being the warmest he has since the last 7 months (also including some inside jokes within the conversation, which I chose not to act on). But he has lied to me about something and I cannot understand why.

    This is how part of the conversation 'went down'...

    Him: Hows it going?

    Me: It's going really great man:) How are you?

    Him: Glad to hear it man! Yeah things are great too. Moved into my own place now, jobs okay and finally got most of it kitted out. Now just waiting for the Bill's how is yours going?

    Me: Congratulations man:)) That's amazing news:)

    Me: I used to dream of the day you got your own place and a proper companion; I always knew how much u wanted and needed both.

    (This next bit brought tears to my eyes...)

    Him:
    Definitely mate. Cant tell you how much it used to get to me in private. Happiest I've ever been now.

    Me: Aaaw man. I know, I could always feel it.

    Me: You know, I'm really glad that we're both doing so well in our lives now. Gives me peace in my heart at last.

    Him: It does me too buddy. Really does☺

    He then sent me photos of the house that he's renting and we continued to talk a little more.
    ...

    It brought me to tears when he said he's happy; I've been waiting for him to say that for years. He always used to be upset because he felt left out (all his friends were in a relationship), he couldn't accept being bisexual (leaning very much towards being gay) and he didn't have his own place.

    Knowing his history, what he always told me when he was more open to me and so on, my intuition still tells me he's just 'bottling up' all that inside and just living a life where he can be accepted by those around him. One of the INFP traits that he suffers from is that he's too idealistic; he paints his dream over the reality and then when the curtain falls and that reality finally presents itself, he spirals downwards.

    But, I'm going to take his word for it and believe that he actually is happy. It gives me such a warm feeling in my heart as a result; that anxiety and worry for him is gone:)


    The Issue


    As I stated previously, (from my shameful snooping on his Instagram, which I say is to see if he's alright) I know he has moved into the house with his girlfriend. But today, he has chosen to tell me that he has moved in alone. Even contacting me last month, he said he was looking for a place just for himself to live in. I gave him two opportunities to clarify it today but he completely ignored both messages:

    Me: Glad its a house and not a flat. That way you can live in it longer and don't have to think about moving out when u want to settle down properly with your girlfriend:)

    Me: Bet it must feel great having space just for yourself from everything?

    Now I'm scared as to why he is choosing to keep me in his life. I feel like he might just be stringing me along, thinking that if I know he has moved in with his girlfriend then I will move on as well and he'd lose the emotional support/backup. He initially said when he broke up with me that he couldn't see me with another guy. I would never want to be in a relationship with him again though.

    Also, this is the warmest and his most 'normal self' as I remember him as he has been since he broke up with me. I'm just thinking why is he suddenly being like this right after moving in with his girlfriend?

    Going a bit off topic, this is the text he sent me four months ago which initially stopped me from door-slamming him then.

    Him: "I've been thinking about wording a long email of "thank you". Everything good in my life is a direct result of your positive influence in my life. My confidence in different aspects of my life is down to you and you alone for encouraging me and your patience and wholesome goodness. I really mean it. We've both needed a bit of time to re adjust who we both are to each other and re-balance our lives but we need to be in each other's life man. I have great affection and huge respect for you."

    ...

    I'm really confused. Am I overthinking this lie today or is he being malicious? Should I confront him about it, or just block him?

    Whether it's a friend or a lover, I'm either all in or all out. We said we'd always be here for each-other as friends. But he needs to stop the yo-yoing. Either we can be friends, or just go our own ways. Either way is perfect for me but I'm tired of his hot/cold messages and now lies.

    Thank you again for your help. Sorry for taking your time again in this petty matter.
     
    #34 Jonah Caan, Feb 12, 2019 at 3:06 AM
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019 at 3:38 AM
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  15. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Why does it matter if you don’t want to be with him? Unless, you do. Sounds like he’s opening the doors to friendship, not a relationship
     
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  16. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    I think if you’re going to want the truth, you need to be direct about it and tell him your feelings, and if you’d like to give it go or what you see as the future there

    If you have realized your feelings and are certain you want to be a romantic option, you either have to say that directly or play the indirect game you currently are and just accept it
     
  17. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    I know for certain that I don't want a romantic relationship with him. I'm already in another relationship with someone else and I'm happy.

    Do you thing I'm playing a game? If I was, I'd have no problem in saying so on here.

    His hot/cold demeanor along with his (now) lies is just confusing me.
     
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  18. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    You could try saying that to him. And maybe he’ll open up more. Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn’t care. Who knows, maybe they’re in a rough spot and just doesn’t want to bring it up or he’s just uncomfortable. Either way, I don’t see the big deal
     
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  19. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    I guess I'll just have to ask him directly about why he told me he's moved in alone and not with his girlfriend.
    Thanks man; I guess I'm just overthinking it. It's just the continuous yo-yoing, it's confusing. And someone lying to me is a big deal.

    You're right; I shouldn't bother. I just felt like it's a big decision for me in blocking this person out my life and I'm just stuck in limbo with that decision. I feel like I'm getting there though.

    I'm not playing a game. If I was, I'd find it easy to say so on here. I'm genuinely going through something like this for the first time in my life and it's confusing.

    Thanks again.
     
    #39 Jonah Caan, Feb 12, 2019 at 3:57 AM
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019 at 4:05 AM
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  20. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    All good. Hope things get cleared up peacefully for both of you.

    Does he know you know he has a girlfriend? If so, does he know you snooped to find out they moved in together?

    I would just be cautious because it’s really up to him what he wants to share in my opinion. If his intentions are just to be friends, I don’t see the issue. If he’s lying it’s out of fear of rejection. And if he’s been having rough times, I don’t blame him really. I think as long as boundaries are friends, then let him come out of his shell a bit
     
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