Should I Doorslam My Best Friend/Soulmate? :( | INFJ Forum

Featured Should I Doorslam My Best Friend/Soulmate? :(

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  1. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Dear Fellow INFJs and INFPs,

    I’m sorry but this post has ended up being really long.

    I'm a male (32, INFJ) and having met a man (28, INFP) on an app over 2 years ago now, we instantly 'clicked'. After weeks of texting, we met and to cut a long story short, we fell in love. Having been in love before though, this was something entirely different. I don't use the term lightly but we both felt like we were soulmates. He became my best friend and we helped each other though our depression, anxiety and both of us grew as individuals; it was great.

    We had nothing but unconditional love for each-other and knew that it was something special, having never found such a feeling or understanding in someone else before in our lives. But unfortunately, we could never physically live a life together and we knew this from the outset, but we always said we'd be here for each other in life even when we moved on.

    We both consider ourselves to be bisexual (although leaning more towards being gay) and we are both not 'out' to anyone in our lives. Towards the end of the two years as we fell deeper in love, it pained us more and more that we were not able to spend our lives together; it was breaking both our hearts. I always told him that he needs to find a companion who could spend more time with him and have a proper relationship, but he was finding it difficult to let go of me, although I actively tried to get him to move on for his long-term happiness (he always said he felt lonely).

    We were together for 2 years until one night he called me over to his home and having fallen asleep together on the couch, a family friend almost caught us together (although we were simply asleep on the couch). Luckily, I got out of the house before he saw me.

    Thereafter, his anxiety in regards to being 'outed' led him to promptly decide to stop seeing me altogether. He said that he was looking to settle down with a long-term girlfriend (to beat the anxiety and because he was approaching 30) but we would always be the best of friends like we had always said we would be. Although we were always open to dating girls whilst together, this sudden change broke my heart. I’ve not met him since and now after 6 months of the darkest days of my life, I finally feel (for the last month or so) that my heart has healed, and I feel like my old self again.

    I’m no longer in love with him but I still love him more dearly than anyone else in my life; I continue to want to see him happy and I’d do anything to help him in his life. Although I decided to minimise contact soon after he chose to end our relationship (so he could build a deeper relationship with his girlfriend and I could heal), we have maintained contact after he reached out after a couple of months and said that he wants to continue being in each other’s lives like we always said.

    He has now been in a relationship with a girl for 5 months and although he is no longer open to me about his feelings much at all, I sense that he is conflicted and sad. He always said he wanted to wait for me and that he could never see himself being with a woman long-term. But I know that he likes the girl and may be in love with her.

    He attempted suicide before I had met him because of his homophobia and not being able to live his live as he wanted (i.e. with another man). Although he seemed happy in the first few months of his relationship with his girlfriend, he now seems depressed and is being hot/cold with me. Our only form of contact is via text so I can’t get much context. In his social media posts, I can see the sadness (can’t understand why no-one in his life can) in his face. And he’s began posting song he’s listening to, most of which are about dying and the disappointment of life.

    I have told him for the last several months that I’m here for him if he wants to talk about anything (since I’m the only person in his life that knows about him being bisexual). But being an INFP-T, he deals with his emotions internally and usually ends up having a breakdown or making drastic decisions as a result. He has not confided in how he is feeling about anything and our conversations are shallow, although he says he is happy that we’re both still in eachother’s lives. But we’re not really are we.

    Now that I’m in a place where I can help him without being hurt myself, I need to decide whether I should ask him to meet up so that I can start a dialogue with him and see if we can be friends, so that he can open up to me and I can help him like I used to be able to. Or shall I do the INFJ doorslam on him? I cannot stop thinking that he is hurting and I feel helpless that I cannot do anything to help since he won’t open up to me. I’m petrified that he will attempt suicide again. It keeps me up at night sometimes. I’ve not talked to him about any of this in case he drifts farther away from me; I want to keep this channel of communication open for him. Asking to meet him might make him think I’m being needy and he may still not want to as it might flare up his anxiety. Or maybe he's happy in life and doesn't want to know me anymore now that he's more settled with his girlfriend. Maybe my intuition that is telling me he is depressed is wrong?

    I’m really conflicted and if anyone has read this, then I thank you from my heart your time. I don’t know what to do; any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    Jonah
     
  2. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    Hi Jonah. I wish I could give you a big hug to you in person, but I will give you a virtual one.

    I feel your pain, I honestly do. It’s the worst and it takes a lot of willpower to distance yourself from someone you really care about. My last ex was someone I was engaged to and with for quite some time, and we separated almost two years ago, and recently found out he is with someone else. Though I am no longer in love with him, it still caused this deep pang of pain when I found out so I must still care about him in some way.

    I understand your pain quite deeply. However, what I am going to tell you might be something you probably don’t want to read/hear, but I just want you to know that keeping a good amount of distance—at least for now— is really the one way for you and him to concentrate on your lives and fully heal. No text messages, no calls, emails, social media. Nothing.

    He is in a relationship with someone else, so as harsh as it sounds, it is no longer your place to interfere and be involved. Eventually you can slowly integrate to be his friend, but not when things are still fresh and have any lingering feelings. It’s not the right time.

    Keeping some distance will give you and him some clarity as a result and mend some underlying hurt and wounds.

    I always tell my friends to always refrain from talking to ex’s directly after a separation because most of the time there will always be strong feelings involved.

    So go and focus on yourself. Start a new chapter, and possibly go out on dates if you’re ready. It’s not going to be easy, but unfortunately for your well-being, it’s something you’re gonna have to do.

    Much love. *hugs*

    Edit: Also forgot to add, if he is depressed or sad, his girlfriend will have to be the one to be there for him for that kind of situation—which correlates to what I mentioned above. It sucks, but really no contact is the best thing for you two.
     
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  3. Ginny

    Ginny Sister Priestess of BB&C (πάντα ῥεῖ)

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    I think that if you are feeling the way you do, you are very much capable of being hurt. Only emotional detachment can prevent hurt, but it also comes with other possible negative effects. You need to remove the fear that he will commit suicide - having this fear means that you feel responsible for this situation, even though you are not. However, the situation you put yourselves in has been instantiated by the both of you, and it needs to be adressed.

    Doorslam him? I don't know what you think the doorslam is, but it doesn't sound accurate at all.

    Anyway, if he's with his girlfriend although he's not the long-term type and doesn't contact/talk to you that much anymore, it's very likely that he is moving on from you and doesn't know how to tell you to move on as well. It is pretty clear to me that you haven't, even though you feel better. You will know it by the second wave of hurt you will feel at ceasing contact.

    My advice is, and that is regardless of whether this is an accurate assessment of the situation - talk to him.
     
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  4. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access. Puts Tabasco on Pizza.

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    If you are beyond being hurt in further interaction with him then there’s no reason to doorslam. That’s more of a defensive thing to do when you feel vulnerable. If you are truly over it and healed, you should be able to sit back and let him approach you when he’s ready without needing to actively shut him out.
     
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  5. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Thank you so much for your hugs and advice Jenny; both are very much appreciated:)

    I’m sorry you felt that pang of pain - I think when we INFJs love we love deep and that love/connection will always stay within us, although we’re not in love with them anymore. In my instance, I always told him to find a girlfriend and when I found out he had found one, it made me happy that he has someone to share his life with properly. I do miss him dearly though, so I don’t know if that means I have lingering feelings? But I’m happy to never see him again if it means that he can always be happy in his life.

    I think the main worry for me is that not even his girlfriend knows about his secret which continues to burden him. I’m the only one that knows about this and I think that’s why I feel responsible. He shuts himself off emotionally, but those emotions always fester inside him until he acts on them all at once. That’s the reason for his last suicide attempt.

    After the end of our relationship over 6 months ago now, I sat with my pain and reflected on everything, including whether I want him in my life as a friend. I never want to be in a relationship with him again (the thought of it scares me) and I started a new relationship with someone last month when I knew I was ready and knew it would not be a rebound. I have kept a space for our friendship but if that doesn’t happen, that’s okay too.

    I initiated no contact 5 months ago and then reached out to him after 2 months when I felt ready, at which time he said that he wants to maintain contact. I periodically let him know that I’m here if he wants to talk (about twice a month). If I don’t text him for a while, he texts me asking how I am etc.

    Although I felt like I was dying when going through the heartbreak, I feel more stronger mentally and spiritually now. It’s just this gut instinct that something is wrong with him and although I tend to think of this feeling as superstition at times, it’s mostly been correct in my life. I wish his girlfriend knew but he would never tell her he is bisexual/gay.

    Thank you again for your great advice. I’m going to continue to keep my distance like you said for now.
     
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  6. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Thank you Ginny:) You're right, maybe he doesn't know how to tell me to move on.

    But the thing is, I always wanted him to move on in that sense and he acknowledges this. I have also moved on, after making sure that I would not be landing myself in a rebound relationship and knew I was ready to be in a relationship healthily (after several non-linear cycles of grief).

    In regards to the doorslam, he is being hot/cold with me. When he texts me after a period of time I have not contacted him, he is warm and asks how I am, asks about the things that he knows were upsetting me in my life etc and gives me positive reinforcement. But then at times when I initiate contact via text (about 3 times a month), he can at times be passive-aggressive and very closed-off emotionally. I value honesty above everything in any relationship and if he is unable to honestly tell me what the issue is then that for me warrants closing the door on him.

    When he is cold, it does pain me although not much. I think that pain is worth it if it means that he will feel comfortable reaching out to me if he ever finds himself in that dark place again.

    I'm contemplating talking with him like you said to. The risk with that is that he'll either shut himself off completely from me or open up to what is troubling him. You're right though, I'm not responsible for his actions; he is. But I know that if he does something like take his life, I will blame myself. I'm such an idiot.

    Thank you again for your great, honest advice.
     
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  7. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    I think you can still care about someone and miss them, but it’s not to the same extent of love we originally had for the person, and that’s totally okay.

    And that’s understandable you would feel some concern for him considering his past and just holding in that secret which can be stressful. Unfortunately it’s a journey and hurdle he will have to face head on himself if he’s willing to either stick with the secret or decide to reveal it. There’s only so much you can do, and since you mentioned that he has been kind of closed off and not revealing much as he used to, and you tried to reach out and be there for him, it’s his own issue he has to deal with himself unfortunately. There’s not much you can do for someone who isn’t willing to take or seek for your help. At the end of the day, you at least tried your very best.
     
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  8. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Thank you Sloe, that's really made me think about why I want to doorslam him.

    It's partly because of his inability to be honest with me and also because his muteness and condition is causing me great anxiety (in regards to his ongoing depression and previous suicide attempt and whether he may try this again). I feel selfish though because there is a chance that this is a guy in need. But then again, he is choosing to close himself off and like Ginny said, I'm not responsible for his actions.

    I also think that it may be a possibility that he's just keeping me on a hook just in case his current relationship doesn't work out (although I would never want that). His hot/cold demeanor is very confusing. If he didn't have depression and so on I would confront him about his attitude, but I fear that doing so might push him away further and that would close this channel of communication for him.

    I wish someone else in his life knew about what is troubling him so deeply in life (i.e. his closeted homosexuality). But he'd never dare tell them out of fear of refection.

    When he's hot/cold with me it does hurt so I think that means that I'm not fully over him - thank you for this realisation. I will ensure that I keep this in check because I never want to end up in a relationship with him again. I'm in a new relationship since a month now though, but I guess that doesn't mean that I'm completely over him.

    Thank you again for your time and thought-provoking advice.
     
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  9. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Thank you Jenny, your words have provided me with much comfort and I feel my anxiety lifting. I do feel selfish because I feel like I'm giving up on him, but you're right; I have tried my best. Even whilst I was going through the depths of heartbreak I was there for him.

    Yes you're right, it's not the same extent of love; it's not fierce or needy. It's not deep like it was. I remember reading Plato's Symposium and he described the different kinds of love; I feel like the love I have for him is more the philia kind rather than eros now and I'm glad for it.

    I hope to never go through heartbreak again in life, but knowing myself I know that I probably will in relationships and then there's losing loved ones. I'm going on now sorry, haha.

    Thank you for your comforting words.
     
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  10. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Hey:)

    I have not contacted him for 3 weeks now and although at most times it feels like such a relief and I feel independent, other fewer times (like right now) I just miss him dearly. I don't feel like getting in touch with him though. I just purely miss him, not any of the things we used to do together. I don't want to talk with him or be with him physically and I have no urge to initiate any contact.

    Actually, there is one thing. Right now I wish I could walk up to him, give him a hug (not saying anything) and then walk back out of his life again. That's so cheesy and embarrassing to write.

    He contacted me two weeks ago via text and although I didn't want to talk much, he kept pressing me on asking how I was and how everything was going in my life (in regards to the things he knew I was having issues with before). We chatted for about half an hour or so and then I told him I have to go. He was supportive; told me to keep my head up and so on.

    Does this mean I do have lingering feelings for him? I don't know though; because I never want to be in a relationship with him ever again. I'm certain I'm not in love with him anymore. But I love him dearly; just want him to be happy. I really miss the friendship we had though.

    Sorry for the ramblings; guess I'm just thinking out loud (think it helps).
     
  11. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    @Jonah Caan - I want to give you a giant hug. Your OP was heart-wrenching. The other forum members gave great advice.
    I would have advised not to door slam him. Time apart would be good for you both. (Taking time to heal when a relationship ends is always a good idea.) Hiding him on social media will help you heal, too.

    I'm happy for you that the last text exchange went so well. It seems like you are handling contact well.


    As much as he means to you, I wonder if he is really your soulmate. I hope he is not, and your real soulmate is a future encounter. It doesn't make what the two of you had any less special.
     
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  12. Hostarius

    Hostarius Apostate INFJ

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    I think you need to be cognisant of a couple of things:

    1) You are the one link to his true self.

    2) You are not responsible for the emotional pain he's putting himself through by his closeting.

    He sounds very confused, conflicted, and in pain.

    Personally, I would keep in mind (1) and simply be there as a friend, since you are potentially the only person who really knows him, and I suspect that his only way out is to come out.

    If it is too emotionally painful for you to continue the friendship, then the only way I can see forward is by trying to engineer a 'soft break' - try to encourage him to join a group or something.

    Doorslamming or leaving cold-turkey is a potential suicide trigger and while it's true that none of this is your fault, I'm afraid that it has become your responsibility because like it or not you're tangled up with this guy and his problem.

    There's a very selfish default response that goes something like 'do what's best for you; look after yourself'. Personally I think this is bullshit. As human beings we have very real responsibility to those others we become involved with; independence is a myth (a very American myth).

    This is just my opinion, and I'm sure that many might disagree with me, because I know nothing all the usual disclaimers, &c., but my advice is this:

    1) Recognise that you're dealing with a suicidal individual, and take this seriously.

    2) If you are his only link to his true self, recognise that you are now encumbered with a very serious responsibility to this man, and all the people around him.

    3) Consider very seriously seeking professional support - counselling and advice for yourself at first, but because of the circumstances, various social services may become involved depending on your country.

    4) Proceed with extraordinary care and measured action.

    5) UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL YOU 'DOORSLAM' THIS MAN.

    So I apologise for what might sound like a sober dose of vinegar, but be assured that your situation touched my heart and you have my utmost sympathy and willing support in this very tricky situation.

    Best of luck. Be strong.

    EDIT: P.S. Googling the suicide risk for his particular demographic is very sobering indeed.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
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  13. Roses In The Vineyard

    Roses In The Vineyard Community Member

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    No slam just a quiet slip away, these kinds of relationships are like playing with explosives where it is all fun until one or both of you get hurt.
     
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  14. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Don’t doorslam

    I don’t see the harm in just telling him how you feel. Hey, I’d love to see you. You’ve been on my mind, and I want to give you a big hug. I need to focus on my own situation right now, and can’t be available, but just know I’m thinking about you.
     
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  15. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    That sounds perfect; I really wish I could just do this, but there's some reasons flying about in my mind which tell me not to.
    1. He might think I'm being needy and still not over him/looking to get back together
    2. Being with his girlfriend might actually truly be his happy ever after; he might truly be happy and that's why he's distant from me (he's realised how bad I was for him and doesn't need me now). Although based on everything he ever told me and my intuition, this seems not to be the case
    3. I'd look like a stalking weirdo
    4. He might push me away further as a result, then I will not be able to know how he is at all and my anxiety will go 'through the roof' and at that point I probably will become a stalking weirdo
    5. My ego tells me that because he hurt me, he should be the one to reach out with that kind of a message (I hate my ego and I'm not listening to it...I think)
    6. He's the one that told me he does not want to see me again, so my pride tells me not to ask to see him (I hate my pride)
    7. He'll take me for granted, knowing I'm here for him even when he's being hot/cold
    8. I feel like by doing so, I will be trampling on my self-respect (ego again?)
    So writing the list above has shown me how selfish I'm being. Hmmm... guess I'm just truly stuck between a rock and a hard place (so that's what that saying means). I'm feeling pain now but I risk experiencing more pain at his hands if I reach out.

    Thank you:)
     
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  16. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Thank you for your warm and wise words Asa:)

    We've had no contact for 3 weeks now. I have unfortunately and ashamedly snooped on his Instagram though, which I say to myself is to make sure he is okay. I found that he has moved in to a house on rent with his girlfriend. I'm so overwhelmingly happy for him, although I did feel a little upset that he had not told me about this great news. I always dreamed of the day he found a proper companion and moved into his own place (because he was still living with his parents and I knew how much he hated it). Since they have only been together for 6 months, I'm thinking that maybe he has managed to fall in love with a woman after-all and is happy and I'm just worrying needlessly.

    But saying that, then remembering everything that he told me previously (that he tried committing suicide because he was bi/gay, could never see a future with a woman, is settling down with a woman to hide his true self and stop the anxiety, he buries his emotions deep inside), my gut just won't stop telling me that he could be working himself up to breaking point. So in this case, moving in with his girlfriend would only make him feel even more trapped in a life that he's only creating out of self-preservation.

    Am I overthinking everything? please tell me if I am; any criticism is more than welcome. I think I just need a slap to wake up. I don't know... it's just this instinct of mine, it won't let my worry for him go.

    After almost 7 months now of not seeing him, pain, healing, anger, reflection, clarity, no more rose-coloured glasses, taking him off the pedestal; I still feel in my heart and gut that he was my soulmate. But just because he is does not mean I crave a personal relationship with him. Ultimately I just want to make sure he is well and happy, and be there for him in any way if he's not. I guess that is having a personal relationship with him:flushed:

    Never in my life have I been so conflicted with something; guess I've been lucky. Today, I cannot do anything but laugh at how much of a miserable loser I am for thinking so much about this, when everything may be fine.

    Thank you again:)
     
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  17. OP
    Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Dear Hostarius,

    Thank you for your clear, bold and concise words; I have been thinking about what you wrote since last night.

    This is what I'm worried about; I'm the only one who knows and yet I'm so far away from him to help. But at the same time, I don't want to interfere with his life. I'm worried that I may be using this as a means to stay in his life though, when I should maybe just let him go completely?

    Thank you for this reminder; I always tend to forget this and will keep it in my my mind, actively so.

    He is I think. But yesterday I shamefully snooped on his Instagram (I tend to do this to see if he's okay, I think) and found that he has moved in with his girlfriend. I'm so overwhelmingly happy for him, I just feel that warm feeling in my heart. But I did feel upset that he had not told me about this great news. But my happiness for him completely eclipses this. I'm also glad he didn't tell me though; it shows me that he is moving on with his life like he needed to. I always dreamed of the day he found a proper companion and moved into his own place (because he was still living with his parents and I knew how much he hated it). They have only been together for 6 months so I'm thinking that maybe he has managed to fall in love with a woman after-all and is happy and I'm just worrying needlessly.

    It's weird though, he never used Instagram until he got into a relationship with his girlfriend. I've seen that most posts are of him and his girlfriend going out, and he writes how much he loves her and so on. So I think I should just ignore everything he told me previously; I think he might be okay and my feeling is wrong. But I can just see the pain and sadness in his eyes even on his Instagram posts, or maybe I'm just looking for it and that's what I see.

    On a side note, I actually feel sorry for his girlfriend too:(

    I would like to be here as a friend but he's completely closed up about his feelings. Apart from two or three instances over the last several months when he told me he was feeling depressed (in October) and frustrated (December) but not stating why. He is drinking more than before too and has put on weight.

    I know that he will definitely never join a group. He loved me and pushed me away so easily out of fear so joining a group of strangers is going to be even scarier for him. I've also found that I think he's homophobic; I used to be too unfortunately, but when I was much younger and unwilling to accept this aspect of myself.

    I'm being selfish in a way in thinking about door-slamming him, but it's the anxiety of worrying about him (which I may be doing needlessly) that gets to me. It's affecting my thinking, judgement and health I think.

    I believe this too; what's the point of just living solely for our own needs? I just think it's pointless. But I think there has to be a limit.

    This is what gives me the anxiety. I wish he had someone close to him in life who knew. He probably told his girlfriend about his suicide attempt but he'd never tell her about the reason.

    I am, but he's the one that pushed me away and broke my heart in the process. It's taken me half a year to get back to my normal self (actually I feel stronger and wiser than before:relaxed:). But still. I'm conflicted in my thoughts I guess.

    If he gets any kind of hint that someone knows about him, I know that his getaway will be trying to end his life. Sometimes I think that the only reason for why he's still 'sweet' with me is because out of fear that I may out him. I know that he was petrified that a previous ex might do this (although with him he said he had mental health issues). That's rich coming from him though.

    What troubles me is that we live in the UK and although there is still quite the way to go in regards to equality, it's easier than anywhere in the world for 'coming out'. he was always worried he would lose his friends and family, and I said that the ones he would lose were not worth it in the first place. But he said he could never do that to his parents.

    The reason for myself not 'coming out' and seeking help is mainly due to religion as there would actually be threat to my life as a result. But he doesn't have this problem.

    Thank you; I will definitely keep this in mind. This is one of the reasons for why I'm doing your lots' 'head-in' online about this. I need to make sure I come to the right decision.

    You're right, at this point I'm just maintaining my distance to gain clarity on this and decide what to do as well as to further the healing process.

    Yes I have read that suicide is alarmingly high among bisexual men, even higher for those closeted and in a mixed orientation relationship (as he is). He is also an INFP and the consensus is that suicide is a more significant issue for INFPs.

    You have nothing to apologise for; words cannot express how grateful I am for your time and words of wisdom. I apologise if what I wrote upset you in anyway and I thank you from my heart for your support.

    Thank you again,

    Jonah
     
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  18. Ginny

    Ginny Sister Priestess of BB&C (πάντα ῥεῖ)

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    I know the feeling.

    I think I should point out that there's a difference between selfishly looking out for one's own needs without any regard for others and looking out for one's health so that you are able to help others, instead of giving all of yourself until there is nothing left.
     
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  19. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    This right here. Not selfish at all to look after yourself while looking out for others; has nothing to do with being American either. You can’t always put your eggs in one basket, otherwise you’d tire yourself out completely and be unable to help others to your fullest capability if you’re wiped out yourself and have nothing left to give.
     
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    #19 JennyDaniella, Feb 8, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
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  20. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Just add a “, friend” at the end of the message. Let that ego go. This is about your and his peace after all. I understand your feelings about the other things but you might be overthinking it
     
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