Settle for: Love over money?

[Rosenrot]

If I knew the person loved me and I was able to I would probably support them. I kinda fear of some guy having to support me, which would really suck. I am doing alright now, but things have been kinda hard. My friends who live in NYC are in a situation where the wife works but the husband doesant. He can't really do a regular normal job because he is on disabliity. He had really hurt his back and cant sit or stand for too long, which cuts him out for a lot of jobs. He has been looking though. He pays what he can to help her out. So if I was to support a guy who I was married to and he helped out as much as he could. I would be fine with it. Its only if he spends all his money that he gets on stupid stuff and not help out is where I would feel used.

 

[Quinlan]

Zen put it perfectly, you never know when the tables might turn and perhaps you need to consider how you would feel then if they turned their back on you for the money. I suppose it depends on hat you value more, her love or your plans, if adjusting your plans together to be more realistic is not an option then I would say go.

...and just another point you can't downplay the recession at all, things are impossibly bad at the moment. ...and keep in mind that the other party is probably feeling absolutely rotten at thought of depending on someone else as well.

 

[alcyone]

I'm not going to beat around the bush too much here.

But you sound like a very conflicted individual.

You are very open about your past. How the addictions of your parents have affected your life. You've stated yourself to be an adult child of alcoholics.

You say you have a history of abusive relationships and no one has ever loved you like this before.

But you have confessed to differing positions regarding drug and alcohol use with your mate, and your troubled feelings about her inability to save up for your planned relocation to California.

First of all, although she says she loves you...is she acting like it. Words are cheap. Being a child of addicts you should know that an addict will go to whatever lengths necessary to feed their addiction. And they are endlessly creative about hiding and concealing their problem from the ones they are closest to. No doubt she knows of your past. If she were more receptive to the pain she was causing you there wouldn't be any doubt about her dedication to getting her substance use under control.

Next, where is her money going? If you are living together now, you should have some idea what her expenses are. If not, where is her money going. Is there a history of her not being able to meet her financial obligations? Does her familiy have to bail her out by paying for bills, rent, car expenses etc? Her history is the most likely way to predict what will happen in the future!

If I lent money to my husbands sister, I do so knowing that she'd NEVER pay us back. She is completely irresponsible with her money and has had her father paying her rent and insurance inspite of her having a 120K a year job. If I lent it to my sister (or brother for that matter), I know I'd get it back. She is as anal retentive about paying debts as I am. She'd go without in order to pay me back.

There is a purpose for the quote "Where there is smoke...there is fire"

You have to determine if you can handle being burned.
You have to determine whether or not you want to risk being burned.

 

[KingOfSpades]

I'm not going to beat around the bush too much here.

But you sound like a very conflicted individual.

You are very open about your past. How the addictions of your parents have affected your life. You've stated yourself to be an adult child of alcoholics.

You say you have a history of abusive relationships and no one has ever loved you like this before.

But you have confessed to differing positions regarding drug and alcohol use with your mate, and your troubled feelings about her inability to save up for your planned relocation to California.

First of all, although she says she loves you...is she acting like it. Words are cheap. Being a child of addicts you should know that an addict will go to whatever lengths necessary to feed their addiction. And they are endlessly creative about hiding and concealing their problem from the ones they are closest to. No doubt she knows of your past. If she were more receptive to the pain she was causing you there wouldn't be any doubt about her dedication to getting her substance use under control.

Next, where is her money going? If you are living together now, you should have some idea what her expenses are. If not, where is her money going. Is there a history of her not being able to meet her financial obligations? Does her familiy have to bail her out by paying for bills, rent, car expenses etc? Her history is the most likely way to predict what will happen in the future!

If I lent money to my husbands sister, I do so knowing that she'd NEVER pay us back. She is completely irresponsible with her money and has had her father paying her rent and insurance inspite of her having a 120K a year job. If I lent it to my sister (or brother for that matter), I know I'd get it back. She is as anal retentive about paying debts as I am. She'd go without in order to pay me back.

There is a purpose for the quote "Where there is smoke...there is fire"

You have to determine if you can handle being burned.
You have to determine whether or not you want to risk being burned.

I just wanted to say this was very well put

 

[Soulful]

Well said Alcyone!

First of all, although she says she loves you...is she acting like it. Words are cheap.

Next, where is her money going?

:nod: absolutely.

To be honest, I don't understand why it's so complicated..

I may be entirely wrong Not2be, but it sounds as though you're really not comfortable with aspects of the relationship but you're possibly tolerating them because you don't want to lose her (and I wonder if that's not heightened by her being one of the first people in your life you've felt love with).

 

[TK*]

Alcyone hit it on the head.