Settle for: Love over money? | INFJ Forum

Settle for: Love over money?

Not2bforgot10

Not2bforgot10

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Jan 15, 2009
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I'd like to pose a question for all of you. I am interested in hearing your responses.

Say you were with a partner and they made you all these promises about having a "life" together like the one you'd always dreamt... say, you guys had planned stuff out and had a plan; however, it became quickly apparent to you that this partner couldn't realistically (practically, ie: money-wise) make ends meet. Here's the catch: What if they are a GREAT partner (supportive; in fact, the most supportive you've ever experienced) but just couldn't make financial ends meet-- (big question) WOULD YOU choose to be with this person and support them financially?

The reason I ask this is because I'm dating someone now... and she's a great partner. She's warm, encouraging, and supportive; however, she seems to not be able to make ends meet. Granted, we are in a recession right now. Nevertheless, it's all these promises but no follow-through. We have planned to move out to California here soon (few months), and realistically she cannot pull to make ends meet on her end. I have done what I've needed and am ready and set to go (financially, etc) and she seems to not be making progress. I'm not sure what's going on here (like I said, I KNOW we're in a recession) but I am very concerned because we have a lot of "plans." I'm an Ni and I LIVE for plans... I have worked very hard to make my ends meet, and supposedly she has too; however, it's just not happening on her end.

Question... do I move to CA and have her come along and support her financially? How would you guys feel if this were you? ...if you were in my situation? Would you feel used, resentful, okay with it, etc?

As stated earlier, she is the only person that has ever loved me like this, and I do not want to lose her, but she (for whatever reasons) can't practically make ends meet. When it comes to love, is this okay? Do we move together and I support us? Will resentment (on my end) tear us apart?

Feedback! Thanks!
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It depends on wich means more to you, moving to california and taking on that chapter of your life now, or staying with her because you love her.

I'd personally stay because if I love someone I have to be able to be with them. but on the flip side I put little emphasis on money and the only thing that would aggrivate me about financing the other is if that they obviously fell in some sort of rutt and might not try to get out.
 
gOpHeR said:
It depends on wich means more to you, moving to california and taking on that chapter of your life now, or staying with her because you love her.

I'd personally stay because if I love someone I have to be able to be with them. but on the flip side I put little emphasis on money and the only thing that would aggrivate me about financing the other is if that they obviously fell in some sort of rutt and might not try to get out.
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Well, I will move to CA regardless. It's about whether or not I will pay for her to move, as well, (and of course all that comes along with that; housing, etc). The problem is I feel resentful... I don't feel like I should have to be doing all the work! I don't understand why she can't make ends meet when push comes to shove.

And I do love her, very much, but if she can't be financially responsible then how is that fair? I feel resentful, and I feel like the relationship is immature. I need a 50/50 partnership.

But I do love her... very much. I am severely conflicted.
 
This is a big desision, and I would really sit on it for a long time, and talk to as many people as you can about it (of course, people you trust).

Personally, I would likely not. Unless I COMPLETLY trusted the person (I can think of 2 people who fit this bill).
 
Only you can make that decision.

I have always chosen love over money; money (other than what it takes to survive with modest comfort) doesn't matter all that much to me.

From the age of 18-38 (when I became a stay at home mother), I always made sure I was responsible for myself (financially) - not dependent on anyone else - so that monetary issues wouldn't impinge on my romantic relationships.
 
IndigoSensor said:
This is a big desision, and I would really sit on it for a long time, and talk to as many people as you can about it (of course, people you trust).

Personally, I would likely not. Unless I COMPLETLY trusted the person (I can think of 2 people who fit this bill).
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Once again, another helpful response. I would be interested in hearing more from you. What would your concerns be?
 
This is such a big thing, I would be so ambivalent , maybe it would even lead me to madness in the end. Because once you open a door, you may wish you didnt, yet you have to live with the fact that you can never go back.

The answer is not obvious even though I constantly wish for love. I would think twice because with the money I could reach out to help those in need for it and fulfill my love for humanity in general. or I could chose the love of my life. Tough question I'm ambivalent as you see.
 
whatveer your choice your partner is not going to change, at least because of you. so if you decide to move to CA with her just remember that she isn't going to suddenly become financially responsible (it's certainly possible, as anything is possible, but very highly unlikely).

so you should figure out if you will be OK with moving somewhere totally new and having to support someone else in the short-medium term.
 
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Yeah... I don't want to let her go because of this resentment/money/"equality" issue and then someday say "I let the greatest love of my life go..." It's honestly been years since I have been treated kindly... Ever since I discovered my father dead (heart-attack), I have strangely gotten into abusive relationships; she is the first person who's remotely sane.
 
Hrmm...

This is a HUGE decision on your part. I would think it over wisely. You should tell your girlfriend how you're feeling--even about being resentful about the whole thing. Don't do it in a mean way, just get out all your feelings out in the open. Tell her the truth.

"Honeybunch, I love you...but you can't expect me to be the sole person supporting us. I need you to help with our financial situation too. I don't think it's fair for me to do ALL of it on my own."

It's funny because I'm in the exact opposite situation as you. I'm living with a guy who has...hahahaha...A LOT of money, his mother is a millionaire, he's making over $100K, we live in this nice ta-ta apartment etc. etc. etc. and I'm trying to scrounge by with a job that'll get me less than 18K a year. It's not fair, and I accept that, but at the same time my boyfriend and I have an understanding. We've talked about it. I handle my finances by myself (paying for school, car, insurance, gas, things that I want and need etc.) and he pays for the ta-ta apartment and his fancy car. He doesn't want to lower his financial luxuries just so that I can be able to afford to pay half of it (which is OK by me) but at the same time he's not expecting me to contribute much until I'm out of school. It's a tit-for-tat.

Talk to your girl and make out a financial plan/agreement. It's something you HAVE to decide on as a couple. Good luck! :D
 
I agree with Indigo's post and other people's.

I'll answer a few things here - but these are just ideas off the top of my head. Personally, I am not sure what I would do. And as I'm sure you know (and sometimes can be hard to hear) only you can make the decision for yourself. Whatever you choose, my one suggestion would be to do it knowing that if you move by yourself, you won't be consecrating yourself to a loveless life. Growing up feeling a lack of love can be frightening, especially when you finally experience love in your life. So to let go of a relationship that finally offers you that can be very difficult. But if that is what you decide to do, know that you are lovable and you can and will bring love into your life once again :). You can live a life feeling fulfilled with the love in your life from a partner, friends, and the family that you create for yourself. The best thing with any decision is to make it from a place of empowerment rather than fear. Whether that means staying where you are now, moving to CA with your girlfriend and financially supporting her for a certain amount of time, or moving to CA by yourself. Only you know what is best for you. If you do choose to support her, I would also strongly advise what TK (I think..) said, to discuss how you are feeling. Feeling resentful is valid; however, it needs to be addressed. Resentment that is not addressed will likely lead to some serious issues down the road.

In terms of money, I think money always comes and it always go. Having money is very well possible, and just because someone doesn't have money in this moment does not mean that they won't at some point in the future. Including the near future. So I don't think that the state of one's current finances would matter as much to me

However, what would matter to me, is that I felt my partner was at that point and time, capable of creating a desirable financial situation for themselves and however it would affect me. Money is not everything, but we all have desires for how we'd like to live. So it's important to me that my partner has the personal skills and strengths to create that financial situation. A healthy attitude about money is also a factor in that.

And like TK said, I think it's important to be on the same page about the important things that play into a relationship, including money. And if not on the same page, then at a mutual understanding and a way to meet both of partners' needs/desires.
 
Don't do it. Promises are just that. We all the the ability to do great things. Why is it we choose not too? If this person was committed to you as you want them to be they would be able to hold up there end. If you rescue this person you are being set up to do this the entire time you are with them. I used to do exactly what you are thinking of doing. They never held up there end of the bargain ever. And in the end it made me resent people and shut down from the world as a whole. It's not worth it. The right person will already have there shit together and be looking for someone like you that has their shit together also. You have plenty of time to find love... I would choose the money and grow as a person and wait for my love to bloom...
 
Alternatively...

When I met my husband, I was making significantly more money than he was. I supported him, and my two children (one was ours, one was my daughter from my first marriage) for the first two years of our marriage.

He was my true love, and I his (and we still are). Any financial frustrations (and they certainly existed) never came close to challenging the wisdom of giving our relationship first priority.

Thirteen years of (happy) marriage later and circumstances have changed, and now he's been supporting me and our child (my daughter grew up and is now on her own) for the past 10 years and making significantly more than I was when we were first married, and I don't have to work outside the home.

Hence my tendency to consider a meaningful relationship superior to financial equality :)
 
And that is why you never can give out advice. There is always an opposite piece of advice to cancel out your piece of advice. Main reason I don't say much. Gotta remember that in the future..
 
ZenCat said:
From the age of 18-38 (when I became a stay at home mother), I always made sure I was responsible for myself (financially) - not dependent on anyone else - so that monetary issues wouldn't impinge on my romantic relationships.
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Wow Zen. You never cease to amaze me. I am curious - how you were able to do it, be financially responsible, while you were a stay at home mom?
 
efromm said:
And that is why you never can give out advice. There is always an opposite piece of advice to cancel out your piece of advice. Main reason I don't say much. Gotta remember that in the future..
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Geez efromm! You're on a public forum with (at last count) 666 members. Of COURSE people are going to have different opinions. We've all led different lives!

So, if you take offense henceforth, and don't offer your personal advice, the person who has asked for the advice only gets one angle, not the whole spectrum of experience you get when everyone freely offers their personal experience and opinion. Including yours.

It seems to me whenever anyone offers advice which is different to yours (based on their own life experience) you take it personally and flounce off, saying you're not going to say much in future. Good thing everyone doesn't take it to heart and feel guilty and become reluctant to post their opinion after you've posted yours for fear of offending you.

There's room for all of us here, and all of our opinions. It's a big internet :becky:
 
Soulful said:
Wow Zen. You never cease to amaze me. I am curious - how you were able to do it, be financially responsible, while you were a stay at home mom?
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Nope, I've been a stay at home mom since I was 38... prior to that I was working/self reliant/able to support my husband & kids. Since I've been staying home with my son (who was very sick as a toddler and I had to quit my job) my husband has supported us.

I was a financially responsible single mother though, when I was younger, and had to work two jobs. That really sucked.
 
TK* said:
Hrmm...

This is a HUGE decision on your part. I would think it over wisely. You should tell your girlfriend how you're feeling--even about being resentful about the whole thing. Don't do it in a mean way, just get out all your feelings out in the open. Tell her the truth.

"Honeybunch, I love you...but you can't expect me to be the sole person supporting us. I need you to help with our financial situation too. I don't think it's fair for me to do ALL of it on my own."

It's funny because I'm in the exact opposite situation as you. I'm living with a guy who has...hahahaha...A LOT of money, his mother is a millionaire, he's making over $100K, we live in this nice ta-ta apartment etc. etc. etc. and I'm trying to scrounge by with a job that'll get me less than 18K a year. It's not fair, and I accept that, but at the same time my boyfriend and I have an understanding. We've talked about it. I handle my finances by myself (paying for school, car, insurance, gas, things that I want and need etc.) and he pays for the ta-ta apartment and his fancy car. He doesn't want to lower his financial luxuries just so that I can be able to afford to pay half of it (which is OK by me) but at the same time he's not expecting me to contribute much until I'm out of school. It's a tit-for-tat.

Talk to your girl and make out a financial plan/agreement. It's something you HAVE to decide on as a couple. Good luck! :D
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Yeah, I have talked with her about it and she says she's "trying." I am sure she is, but I still have mixed feelings. I realize we are in a recession right now, but still there are other concerns. She has been very picky about where to work at, and at this point I don't think that should even be a concern. She needs to get a certain amount of internship hours in and is already late on doing that; moreover, she is going to need the money to make the move with me. I am just worried I guess, and I feel it should have been handled much differently (earlier, etc). I need to sit with this for a while and figure things out. You have all made good points; thank you very much.

PS-- I wanted to add (if it matters lol) that she's an ESFP. This may be completely irrelevant, but it's still a piece of information to add to the picture lol
 
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