- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 1w2 sx/so/sp
I wanted to make this a thread for discussion, but I ended up being very self focused with it. For that I am sorry. I have to get this out of my system either way.
I am an extremely self aware person, I can not even begin to describe how high this level goes. I quite literally question nearly everything I think, feel, see, hear, ect. Everything has a deeper meaning to it, and I go to the end of the earth to distract it. I have always been like this, but within the past two years, I have put a very high level of effort into developing this. I want to be a better person, and this has proven to aid in being such a thing. I feel like I am able to understand other peoples motives, wants, needs, idea, ect with a high level of clarity, which in turns allows me to interact with them in the best way possible, and in a way which will make them most happy and engaged. Because I understand myself, and where my thoughts come from, I can understand if what I think or feel is valid, correct, complete, incomplete, ect. In essence I have created a "user manual" for myself, which has application to the world around me. This isn't delusional either. My interactions with others are problem free, and not a single person I interact with ever tells me they have some kind of issue or problem. Even when I beg them to tell me.
This has come at a terrible price though. It seems like the more and more I become good at doing this, the less happy I am. I feel like the things that I do, are a lot of personal sacrifices. If I feel emotional pain by something someone else has done, I often have to dissassociate myself from it. I have to understand the motive behind their move, and 90% of the time (because I am tactful with people, and do not provoke things ever), it was not their fault, and it might not have even been mine. As such acting on this, or even feeling it, is incorrect and invalid. I am aware of the details of this small event, and it does not give comfort to me. It will comfort the other person by me acting fairly, but that is it. I am aware of what is fair, and it just causes pain. It doesn't allow me to act in a way to heal myself, and it has been compounding for years.
I have had people tell me, to just back off from doing all this. Cater to my own personal emotions. The problem is, I can't. That is a step backwards. I can never revert back to a state that was less then what I am now. It is impossible and something I never have, nor will I ever compromise. It goes against everything I stand for. There must be other ways, and I have been searching. I have found better ways to interact with others to help address emotional problems that it causes for me. But the problem is they are purely cerebral and despite my intention, it doesn't help the way it should. I keep trying though, and I have noticed some changes, but they are small.
It seems like all the fixes I create just make something new that is harder to deal with, or it doesn't address in the way I intended. This self awareness doesn't just cause these emotional issues with interactions. It effects my view of the future. I am able to forecast what should be coming down the road. The problem is though sometimes that view is very painful, and I do not want to think about it. It gets stuck though and just ruminates, beyond what I can control. That in itself is an issue in itself. I get so overloaded with all of these things and this overwhelming nature is very painful. This is one thing where self awareness saves me. I want to do something to make myself feel better, cut maybe, end my own life. The thing is though, I am full aware at the bad nature of these things, and I could never act on them under any circumstances. The pain is still there though, and I can barely no longer handle it. I am crashing very fast and very hard that I am beginning to wonder how my body is able to contain all of this. I wonder if it will reach a point where it will simply fail. This self awareness is saving me, but at the same time causing severe harm by saving me.
I had more direction with this thread but it has since been lost. I have said enough at this point I think, even though I feel it is very incomplete for the whole picture, it is still a lot of information.
I am an extremely self aware person, I can not even begin to describe how high this level goes. I quite literally question nearly everything I think, feel, see, hear, ect. Everything has a deeper meaning to it, and I go to the end of the earth to distract it. I have always been like this, but within the past two years, I have put a very high level of effort into developing this. I want to be a better person, and this has proven to aid in being such a thing. I feel like I am able to understand other peoples motives, wants, needs, idea, ect with a high level of clarity, which in turns allows me to interact with them in the best way possible, and in a way which will make them most happy and engaged. Because I understand myself, and where my thoughts come from, I can understand if what I think or feel is valid, correct, complete, incomplete, ect. In essence I have created a "user manual" for myself, which has application to the world around me. This isn't delusional either. My interactions with others are problem free, and not a single person I interact with ever tells me they have some kind of issue or problem. Even when I beg them to tell me.
This has come at a terrible price though. It seems like the more and more I become good at doing this, the less happy I am. I feel like the things that I do, are a lot of personal sacrifices. If I feel emotional pain by something someone else has done, I often have to dissassociate myself from it. I have to understand the motive behind their move, and 90% of the time (because I am tactful with people, and do not provoke things ever), it was not their fault, and it might not have even been mine. As such acting on this, or even feeling it, is incorrect and invalid. I am aware of the details of this small event, and it does not give comfort to me. It will comfort the other person by me acting fairly, but that is it. I am aware of what is fair, and it just causes pain. It doesn't allow me to act in a way to heal myself, and it has been compounding for years.
I have had people tell me, to just back off from doing all this. Cater to my own personal emotions. The problem is, I can't. That is a step backwards. I can never revert back to a state that was less then what I am now. It is impossible and something I never have, nor will I ever compromise. It goes against everything I stand for. There must be other ways, and I have been searching. I have found better ways to interact with others to help address emotional problems that it causes for me. But the problem is they are purely cerebral and despite my intention, it doesn't help the way it should. I keep trying though, and I have noticed some changes, but they are small.
It seems like all the fixes I create just make something new that is harder to deal with, or it doesn't address in the way I intended. This self awareness doesn't just cause these emotional issues with interactions. It effects my view of the future. I am able to forecast what should be coming down the road. The problem is though sometimes that view is very painful, and I do not want to think about it. It gets stuck though and just ruminates, beyond what I can control. That in itself is an issue in itself. I get so overloaded with all of these things and this overwhelming nature is very painful. This is one thing where self awareness saves me. I want to do something to make myself feel better, cut maybe, end my own life. The thing is though, I am full aware at the bad nature of these things, and I could never act on them under any circumstances. The pain is still there though, and I can barely no longer handle it. I am crashing very fast and very hard that I am beginning to wonder how my body is able to contain all of this. I wonder if it will reach a point where it will simply fail. This self awareness is saving me, but at the same time causing severe harm by saving me.
I had more direction with this thread but it has since been lost. I have said enough at this point I think, even though I feel it is very incomplete for the whole picture, it is still a lot of information.