Romantic relationships are tough, right? | INFJ Forum

Romantic relationships are tough, right?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jul 31, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    We're often told relationships are tough, and realizing this early will help us be better prepared for what comes later on.




    But how tough are relationships?


    Or how tough are they supposed to be, if at all?


    Are we making them out to be tougher or harder to deal with than they really are or are we kidding ourselves by not acknowledging that it's really tough and it takes quite a bit to manage a relationship effectively for it to succeed?

    Or are the difficulties simply a result of personal differences?
     
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    #1 Gaze, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  2. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
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    When you say "relationships" are you talking about romantic ones, or just relationships in general? My answer would be different for each situation.
     
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  3. OP
    Gaze

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    Romantic relationships.
     
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  4. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    I tend to look at relationships in cycles. Just like how a person changes throughout life; a relationship changes the longer you nurture and grow with the relationship. I think the tough part comes in when two people's union is affected by the individual changes in their separate lives. No two people grow, learn and adapt to change the same way. As a result there is constant need for communication, compromise, understanding, trust and belief in each other to whether through life's changes as a couple on top of the individual changes.

    It's a constant chain of communication and connectedness. I think this adds a lot of pressure to the individuals in times of stress and change because communication is solely based on the person's level of expression and openness. Some people shut down and some people just don't know how to express and communicate. As a result the chains of connectedness can break down or miscommunication may occur.

    But in the end I think relationships are tough because you actually have to work at it to maintain it and grow it. That work may involve sacrifices on individuals part, compromise and adapting constantly to changing environment in the relationship and sometimes foregoing individual preferences. To keep a relationship healthy and alive is not for the faintest of heart.

    In the end you get the reward and satisfaction of a true partner, a friend and lover that will know and understand and always have you're back. Like any type of relationship it needs a lot of love and nurturing and perseverance. Granted that the relationship started on good terms such as trust, loyalty and finally LOVE.
     
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  5. 894tt3h9

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    I don't feel that romantic relationships are meant to be hard. Not when they really count. Some relationships we get into and we find that they're much more work than they're worth. Sometimes we kid ourselves into thinking that love is pain and that we constantly have to put monumental amounts of work into relationships to make them last.

    That being said I don't think it's possible to get into long term romantic relationships and not have bumps in the road here and there. People in relationships are completely individual and it's expected that there will be differences in opinion and points of view at some point. Yes, you have to work to keep these relationships fresh and alive and happy, but you should be having to deal with one issue after another and feel like it's more hurt and upset and dissatisfaction than happiness.

    I do think some people just naturally click and have a mutual respect and understanding for each other so that when issues crop up they're able to come at that issue together as a team and resolve it.

    I think that's just my upbringing though. My parents have been together since their late teens and for as long as I can remember, I've never seen them have fights or disagreements. I've never seen them have anything close to resembling relationship problems and they've settled nicely into a life together. So I know for a fact that it's possible to have an easy, loving relationship last forever.
     
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  6. eidelweiss

    eidelweiss Regular Poster

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    It depends on what your assumptions are about relationships and what expectations you set up for yourself about relationships.

    It also depends on who is involved.

    I hate to say this, but I, an INFJ, had been programmed to want an ESTJ or an ENTJ by my very conservative parents and by Disney movies. All throughout high school, I had crushes on mostly ENTJ types or other extroverts. Some of my crushes liked me back, but I was a mysterious nut to crack, even though I was considered attractive and many gave up because I was hard to get to know or just refused.

    A relationship like that would have been a disaster for me. Tough is an understatement. I would have wanted my man to take care of me and found myself bored or confined. I might have been pushed into doing something sexually I was uncomfortable with at the time. It would have failed because what I wanted was not what I needed.

    I ended up with an INTP, some one who was funny and actually took the time to know me and let me be comfortable with my socially uncomfortable self. We had meaningful conversations and became good friends. I began to like him without admitting it to myself and we started dating about 6 months after our close friendship started. But, it was tough, and not our fault, because my parents did not think he met their religious standards. On, off to keep me from being pulled out of school, secretly seeing each other, to final acceptance from parents.

    Was it tough? Yeah, heartwrenching. I was a basket case when we were off. I'm surprised I passed all my classes that semester. He was 'not eating, not sleeping, and throwing things' during the same time. It's been 2.5 years since we started dating... It's now less passion than appreciation, but the former is still important.

    Are things still tough? Sometimes. Is life easy? No. Am I happy in the relationship? Yes. :mhula:
     
    #6 eidelweiss, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
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  7. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
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    Ok then, romantic relationships. I think in the short term they can be fairly easy most of the time. You have a basic attraction or you wouldn't be in a relationship. As time goes on, the real intese feelings of romantic love fade some (they don't have to disappear, but the do "mellow"), the real work starts. If you cherish that person enough to stick it out, you have to work on things like communication, common interests, respect, and resposibilities (as in who does what in the relationship). For many this is just too much work, so they move on to the next one. Compromise is a very important word in effective long-term relationships. Both people must be able to give as well as take or it won't work.

    Do I think they are supposed to be easy? Hell no they are not! Few things worthwhile in life are. But most people seem to think they are worth the effort. I am one of those.
     
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    #7 Questingpoet, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
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  8. DoveAlexa

    DoveAlexa Chaz's Lovey Bunny
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    I don't consider things I enjoy to be tough. Tough suggests unpleasantness or not wanting to do it. Everything I'm doing right now to make things work, I want to do, those choices and those tasks are easy. It's the doing things I don't want to (staying home for 3 more months) that are hard. The fact that there's love involved makes it feel like its not work at all, I enjoy everything I do for the relationship. But hey, I am INFJ, this is what I live for, literally.
     
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  9. OP
    Gaze

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    Doesn't this depend on the stage of the relationship? Many couples start out on a very positive, optimistic, "love is all we need" vibe, but then later on, as they get into older, or their relationship moves into long term territory, and they begin to settle into a routine, they find it takes more to sustain the relationship.
     
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  10. DoveAlexa

    DoveAlexa Chaz's Lovey Bunny
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    Well yeah, but doing little things like continuing to say I love you and to not be a complete dick is about as hard as remembering to brush your teeth. The really hard parts like home finances and careers and such have more to do with what anyone has to deal with in life. If you as a person aren't coping with those tasks, of course your romance will suffer. However, your partner should be there to help you with these things, which is part of the reason why you chose to stay together.
     
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  11. Razare

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    Every relationship is different, so it's impossible to write some game-plan in advance to deal with it. If there is such a game-plan, it's just knowing yourself, your flaws, and trying to be your best in the relationship. If that's not good enough, or problems derail it, then the relationship wasn't meant to be.

    Maybe relationships are easy, just most of them are meant to fail. Each time they fail, we learn something if we pay attention. We can't expect to learn that something before experiencing it, though. I think that would be why there is a perception they are difficult. Most that fail probably never had a shot at succeeding anyway, just both sides were oblivious to this when the relationship began.
     
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  12. Odyne

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    It's hard for me to be IN a relationship. If I don't get that deep connection that I am looking for, it's gets difficult for me to develop feelings for the person or seeing past a friendship, and I feel bad and soon want out. It's probably the reason why I haven't been in that many relationships.

    It made me wonder if I had a problem with commitment for the longest time, but I don't think it's that. I think the hardest part in a relationship for me, is developing those feelings. If it doesn't "feel" right from the beginning, I am going to have a hard time sustaining it.

    I can't be with just anybody, and it's not enough that we have things or interests in common.

    So, from that perspective: yes, relationships are tough. (to find? lol)
     
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  13. OP
    Gaze

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    Same here, especially the part in bold.
     
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    #13 Gaze, Jul 31, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2010
  14. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    I would say that they're tough because you need to fail a few of them before you get the hang of it.
     
  15. 88chaz88

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    No!

    Shoo! Shoo!...

    //chases away with a broom.
     
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    Lumi Spitsbergen Community Member

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    It depends on your definition of "easy" I suppose. I don't usually feel like I need romantic relationships in my life. With the wrong person it's just a lot of bother. But occasionally you meet someone and it's just.... magical. Then it's easy to just fall into that relationship. Being in the relationship can be work, and it really all comes down to making sure I value the other person enough in the relationship.
     
  17. OP
    Gaze

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