Relationship advise from an Exovert | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

Relationship advise from an Exovert

Some great points and advice there Ortorin. However, many are far easier said than done. An additional dilemma for me is that I have never EVER found a girl that I like beyond mere physical reasons and I am 20. Communicating with such a female beyond mere chit chat would seem, to me, to be shallow on my part despite any male urges I might have in response to a pair of pert boobies.

The point is, I am 20 and have recently found one girl whom I have not lumped into this category. Trouble is, and maaany of you will probably hear me moan, she has just got married. Though I hasten to add under circumstances that I guagued to not be for the right reasons. the FIRST female I've thought of emotionally, gotten attached to and she is practically inaccessible. Just my luck. She is extemely keen to keep up contact with me however and I do not know if that is for:

1. she feels she have found a more like-minded friend in me because her husband and social circle are mostly 10 - 15 years older than her

or;

2. because she may see me as a potential partner in the future should her marriage fail (shes even talked to me about that once briefly, her marriage failing that is). Perhaps to my own detriment I cling to this like a fly clings to shit.

I know what I should do is continue my life and not let it become swamped with obsessions of her, however doing so is very very heart-wrending since this is my FIRST love and at the moment the love I see as my ONLY love and I can't bloody well have it. : (

I don't know if I'm asking you for advice, ortorin, I think I may have given myself the proper answer myself above, I just can't get this frustration and longing out of my soul.
 
You know, lately I've read a number of posts (not just here, but on other forums) where one has fallen in love with a married person and apparently "doesn't know what to do about it." Krumplenump, I'm really not directing this solely at you, nor is my intention to be nasty. But the idea that someone might think there is anything to be done about falling in love with a married person is boggling my mind (not in a good way). There is no moving a potential relationship forward with a married person! Look elsewhere. It's really that simple. And if you do try to break up a marriage, honestly that would put you in the category of "horrible person" in my mind. This includes being emotionally there for her when she's fighting with her husband. This includes hanging out with her when her husband isn't there. Frankly, considering you're in love with her, by being in any sort of contact with her at all, you're potentially being a detriment to her marriage. And that's wrong.

Just my opinion of course. :)
 
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secretsmile said:
You know, lately I've read a number of posts (not just here, but on other forums) where one has fallen in love with a married person and apparently "doesn't know what to do about it." Krumplenump, I'm really not directing this solely at you, nor is my intention to be nasty. But the idea that someone might think there is anything to be done about falling in love with a married person is boggling my mind (not in a good way). There is no moving a potential relationship forward with a married person! Look elsewhere. It's really that simple. And if you do try to break up a marriage, honestly that would put you in the category of "horrible person" in my mind. This includes being emotionally there for her when she's fighting with her husband. This includes hanging out with her when her husband isn't there. Frankly, considering you're in love with her, by being in any sort of contact with her at all, you're potentially being a detriment to her marriage. And that's wrong.

Just my opinion of course. :)
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Good point.. But unless I strike any doubt in her mind at all as to my 'motives' I don't think I am being harmful or meddlesome. Were I to ask her all these direct questions that would clearly show I was interested in her more than friends then I'd agree, that could be being a 'horrible person'.

I'd have totally agreed with you before, but now that I am in this situation my feelings are on a par and occasionally overriding what is socially acceptable. Though they haven't materialised into action. Yet. I mean if I put my self in the shoes of her husband, I would not be happy with her going dog walking with her ex work colleague every damn day, but whilst i realise it might get his back up I am not doing anything about it, because I like being around her. It was her who instigated and kept up our friendly meetings and therefore I cannot bring it to a rapid end.

Like some people have told me, 'think about number one (me)', in a sense that is what I am doing, I'm continuing doing what could potentially cause disaster in her marriage simply because I like her. It might seem dishonourable, but I would feel insurmountably terrible if I stopped seeing her to potentially save a marriage that I have my doubts about anyway. If it was blindingly obvious they were in love I'd no way be so keen to continue my seeing of her.
 
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Ortorin said:
Now I won't lie, I've had my share of ups and downs in relationships, but all and all I believe I've been very sucessful.

I've learned alot over the past few years about budding relationships, and I have help a number of my friends to find long lasting ones (though I can never help myself *sigh*)

I think becasue of the fact that I am ALO more extroverted then most of the people on this forum that I might be able to add a diffrent perspective for you to concider.

So if anyone has anything they want to ask me about relationships, how to find a good one, ways to flirt and bag a guy/girl, how to keep them going, how to break up from a bad one, how to turn a bad one good, or anything else like that, feel free to post away.
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so... where to begin?

i married and divorced my first ex cause she cheated on me and confessed it to me almost a year later, after we got married. over the last 6-8 years, she's married and moved on, had 2 more kids, no hope for me there...

so, after we divorced, i married my second ex... not wanting to have another divorce, i wanted to work on our marriage even after i have been finding out that she was cheating on me as well... and my stubborn self was going to work on our problems, whereas she never thought for once that anything was her fault... she was always saying it was me, me, me... and i was the cause of all the problems... and she continued to cheat, take off on a friday afternoon without telling me that she was leaving and disappear until she would roll back in on saturday afternoon and tell me that she spent the night over at a 'friends' house... total BS-ing... and i knew (KNEW) she went over to some guy's house... but my idealistic f^&kin' self figured we could work out our difference and work on our marriage...

well, then she packed up herself and our daughter... and left...

... we got divorced...

... so celibacy set in, for about 2 1/2 years...

now, i have 2 kids with first ex and a daughter with second ex by this time... and then i am slammed with accusations from second ex about complications with our daughter and i am left with no way of seeing her (January 2006)... and i still haven't been able to see her...

so, after this 2 1/2 yr stint of celibacy, i ran into a chick who later became my g/f... and we hit it off pretty well until about a 1 1/2 later when i was discharged from service (based off those accusations) and my troubles outgrew my concern for others... and feeling sorry for myself... she broke it off...


now, i have this distrust of others and i moved out west (in OK/TX area) and i tell you what, these texan chicks are hotties... but there is still that suspicion that keeps me wary...

my question is, how would i go about moving past all of this and just 'go for it..?
 
Motor Jax said:
my question is, how would i go about moving past all of this and just 'go for it..?
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Socialize, socialize, socialize!

They say that when you fall off the horse you need to just jump back up there and try again. This is a situation where you SHOULDN'T. It's all about bringing yourself back in gradualy.

I've been cheated on by the two girls in my life that I thought were my greatest loves, and left by a few others. The one thing that has allways brought me back around to try again is to socialize.

  • Find hang-out spots and parties for your age.
  • Flirt alot, take a little rejection, relize that it is all a slow learning expeariance
  • Look for girls that don't mind simply dating. Tell her your you don't want a serious relationship right now, but you do want spend time on dates with her, dating around will help your confendence and help you figure out what girl is right
  • Allways try to stay positive, it will help in any situation
  • Use friends for suport. It's allways good to have someone to throw a beer back with and get your problems out to
Things to do to help keep a girl from cheating on you in the first place. (girls on here, please chip in on this one)

  • Do NOT act jealious of other guys, or show fear of her cheating on/leaving you. This will INCRESSE the likelyhood of her doing such things
  • Find the balance between giving her enough space and being around her, to little time together and she might feel un-loved and seek out others, too much and she'll feel traped and look for an escape
  • Show that you trust her when she says she will be working late, or is just out with her friends. Trust and love go hand in hand, if she feels you don't trust her, then she'll feel like you don't love her... see point above...
There is other things to do, but my mind isn't working very well right now...

Well, basicly, socialize, date around, use friends for support, and trust her. I also have advice pointed DIRECTLY at you... get a vasectemy or something man... I understand that you might miss your children, but having more in ANOTHER relationship will not make thing better for them...

I don't know how helpful this one is... as I said, I'm not thinking really well right now, I hope others will chime in or latter on I'll fill in more details when my brain is un-fogged.
 
Meh, I'll try this. Where does the quarter go, though?

Anyhow. I've been emailing with this girl I met on a dating thing and I've been enjoying that (and I usually don't) because she's easy to talk to, sorta cute and we share a major interest; gaming. I've been hoping to catch her on MSN to segue into asking her for a pic but although she's added me she hasn't been on pretty much all week.

Should I just bluntly request a pic-swap through email? Seems kind of tasteless to me. On the other hand I don't want to start digging on her much more without knowing what she looks like.

Oh yeah and assuming it gets that far; she's a biology teacher (in training) and loves Zoo Tycoon 2 so I'm wondering if it gets to a first date point if it's a decent idea to invite her to go to the local zoo. It happens to have been voted best zoo in the entire country. Or is that too cliche?
 
Ortorin said:
Well, basicly, socialize, date around, use friends for support, and trust her. I also have advice pointed DIRECTLY at you... get a vasectemy or something man...
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i already done did this...

... and yea, socializing actually helped me out... thats how i got with my ex-g/f... we actually met in a bar and it was a positive atmosphere... i never had a boring time with her...

i love hanging out in bars and there is a good one not too far from my brother's place... i just ain't never seen it too busy, except i'm still kinda used to seeing those city clubs right now...


*sigh*

well, i'm just taking time out for myself anyways... and just enjoying myself here... :)
 
Eniko said:
Meh, I'll try this. Where does the quarter go, though?

Anyhow. I've been emailing with this girl I met on a dating thing and I've been enjoying that (and I usually don't) because she's easy to talk to, sorta cute and we share a major interest; gaming. I've been hoping to catch her on MSN to segue into asking her for a pic but although she's added me she hasn't been on pretty much all week.

Should I just bluntly request a pic-swap through email? Seems kind of tasteless to me. On the other hand I don't want to start digging on her much more without knowing what she looks like.

Oh yeah and assuming it gets that far; she's a biology teacher (in training) and loves Zoo Tycoon 2 so I'm wondering if it gets to a first date point if it's a decent idea to invite her to go to the local zoo. It happens to have been voted best zoo in the entire country. Or is that too cliche?
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Haha, this is something I know about concidering my current girlfriend and I meet online! :D

If you are really that interested in a picture of her, then recieve by giving! Send her a pic or 2 of yourself, nothing drastic like a nude shot, some head shots... maybe stuff with you and some friends as to not make them seem too dilberate. She will send you pictures back in time, if it does take awhile though, just ask her in a joking way if you don't want to be direct. Say something like "Though we've been talking for awhile, I still don't know what you look like. How am I supose to know if your a 40 year old perverted guy or not. Lol! Jk." She should feel inclined to send you a picture at that point.

As for taking her to the zoo for the first date, why not ask her? Just tell her that you think it would be a fun time or soemthing and note her reaction. Just have a plan B just in case she doesn't like the zoo idea, something conventinal like a semi-formal dinner.

If you really like her, and she really likes you, just be yourself. You wouldn't want her to fall for anyone else would you? :)
 
Motor Jax said:
i already done did this...

... and yea, socializing actually helped me out... thats how i got with my ex-g/f... we actually met in a bar and it was a positive atmosphere... i never had a boring time with her...

i love hanging out in bars and there is a good one not too far from my brother's place... i just ain't never seen it too busy, except i'm still kinda used to seeing those city clubs right now...


*sigh*

well, i'm just taking time out for myself anyways... and just enjoying myself here... :)
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I've found it to be true that it's when you stop looking that what you want will find you. Maybe you need to stop looking for love, and just go out for fun, things will unfold as they will, even if your not looking for it.
 
Ortorin said:
If you are really that interested in a picture of her, then recieve by giving! Send her a pic or 2 of yourself, nothing drastic like a nude shot, some head shots... maybe stuff with you and some friends as to not make them seem too dilberate. She will send you pictures back in time, if it does take awhile though, just ask her in a joking way if you don't want to be direct. Say something like "Though we've been talking for awhile, I still don't know what you look like. How am I supose to know if your a 40 year old perverted guy or not. Lol! Jk." She should feel inclined to send you a picture at that point.
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Well I'm not a big picture person so I don't have any recent proper pictures, just crappy webcam faceshots and it's hard to kind of sneak those in. That's why I was really hoping to talk to her on MSN since it seems accepted decorum to put a face shot as your avatar and then you can both see what the other looks like without the awkward pic-swap stuff.
 
FUCK YOU! I give the advice around here :D I'm good at it and you're stealing my lime light :/ D= => Just Joking.
 
Wolfe said:
FUCK YOU! I give the advice around here :D I'm good at it and you're stealing my lime light :/ D= => Just Joking.
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Fine! make your own advice thread and we'll see who gets more posts! Sence you seem so sure of yourself, I'll keep the handicap that I have from the number of posts in this thread already. Have fun catching up!
 
D: Shai should warn you who your messing with... I could tell you but I know you'll need a secondary to back up my story. I'm the guy who is going to be the greatest consultant in the world, and not only on relationships, but everything!

=) I'll have to keep my handicap of helping my ENFPs all the time... and trust me... all the time is a lot for ENFPs. :m027:
 
youngsters... lol

anyways, it is easier to give advice than take your own... its easy to see problems and fault lines when your standing outside of the situation, but being in the midst of it, they become foggy and decisions are solely based off of how you feel about the situation at the time...

that's why i can give good advice, yet i am still a twice divorced father of 3 who doesn't put much stock in transient relationships with their superfluous emotions...
 
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