People you can't read

This is long resolved. I'm casual friends with that guy, he's just an awkward, nervous person

 

Reflecting on this thread is interesting.

It shows me how far I've come from how I was in May 2019.

You have to understand my context;

I grew up in an extremely abusive household where I was expected to placate my parents every emotional need. I was abused or neglected if I refused to do so.

Eventually this led me to being a shell of a person, a people pleaser who was programmed to only exist for other people. I started to go to these open mics and become part of the culture.

At first, my lack of understanding of proper relationships created a lot of issues. I was used to agreeing with others, doing whatever I could to please them. I think that this guy I started the thread about had suffered from similar things but was slightly ahead of me on his journey to self discovery and building of healthy boundaries and self esteem.

I wanted to have a relationship with him desperately of any kind because I felt that if he loved and approved of me it validated by existence. I had no capacity of self love, self compassion and thought that putting yourself first meant you were selfish. So it was therefore natural for me to gravitate towards someone who was a positive, encouraging person to try to latch onto them to give me the love and approval I had never received in childhood.

I'm not sure when our relationship changed. It had something to do with the fact that I had started to make friends at the other open mic. I was learning how to have healthy friendships. I felt loved and accepted and some of my healthier friends taught me about things like self validation.

In October I think all of what happened with my coworker changed me. I was so distressed that I reached out to my new friends for emotional support and they helped me. I realized I could trust others. My fear and paranoia I had been programmed by my parents to believe about the world had dissolved .

I started my comedy show in October. I started doing my ASMR videos in October. I started doing my self triad sheet and really working on my inner world and perception.

Just last Saturday I was talking with this guy. He was telling me about yoga all excited. I told him,

"Remember the conversations we would have last summer? Look how far you've come. You've really changed for the positive."

Because he started focusing on music and his band. I encouraged him a lot. But maybe in December I realized he didn't want to invest in me outside of the open mics because he was too busy. For him, texting and our time at the open mic was fulfilling. I no longer wanted more myself because I had a good social network and also had developed a life of my own.

In terms of "reading people", I still do it. It's a natural talent that I have whether I was born with it or it developed out of trauma I can't say. What I do know is now, instead of using it to try to speculate about what's going on in other people's head, I use it to be truly in tune with what someone is saying. I react empathetically to my friends and make people feel truly heard, but only if that's how I feel. I express my feelings instead of what I think others want from me, and I can do so while still acknowledging what they feel.

I'm not perfect. I'll never be. I'm just me, and I'm always a better me than I was yesterday.

I feel a lot of compassion for past me reading this. I was in a dark place and I don't even really remember what it felt like. I was terrified of slipping back into this state of mind for a really long time,

But after the DMT trip I realized I didn't need to worry. I hated the place so much I would never allow myself to go back. I trust myself enough to know that I can take care of myself; in the past I didn't not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know how. I was raised to hate myself because my parents hate themselves and didn't know how to teach anything else.

Now I know better, so I can't go back.

Just a little reflection on this thread hehe