People you can't read | INFJ Forum

People you can't read

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by slant, May 9, 2019.

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  1. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    I'm extremely well at reading people. Mostly because of my traumatic childhood.

    Every so often I encounter someone who I am just completely unable to read and it drives me nuts.

    From your own experience, what are the reasons that make these types of people unreadable? There is like a buffer. it's hard to explain.

    Y'all know what I mean?
     
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  2. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known member

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    People put up walls for one reason and one reason only: protection. Either it's about maintaining a sense of power by masking their intentions or preventing hurt by masking their intentions.

    The best way to bring down a wall is to put your own insecurities aside and assume positive intent whenever possible. You're less defensive, they're less defensive, and it's easier to get along. Usually, people lower their defenses when you establish yourself as friendly and non-threatening. Even if someone is determined to keep their walls up, or unsettle you, the best way to diffuse a power play is to take things on the chin. Laugh it off.

    At the end of the day, no matter how defensive or distrustful, most people do want to connect.
     
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  3. Daustus

    Daustus Community Member

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    @sassafras gave solid advice. My brain is working with a Star Trek reference and I apologize if you dont speak Trekkie, but the person has their shields up. It's been my experience that when I run into what you described the other person is also trying to read me. I think my defenses get stronger as well. I don't run into a lot of people that look that deep these days but two people with shield's up trying to figure each other out is gonna be ineffective. Lower your shields, extend the olive branch, and let them decided to meet you or leave. I realize I gave the exact same advice as Sass.....so yeah. -50 dkp to anyone that likes this post.
     
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  4. Puzzlenuzzle

    Puzzlenuzzle Community Member

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    I sometimes got this buffer. If I know you have the power to break my heart I will take my time, and that's nothing personal just shitty experiences . My intent is to tear the wall down though, it just takes a while.

    Basically afraid to jump in because I will lose my footing if its taken away.
     
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    #4 Puzzlenuzzle, May 9, 2019
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
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  5. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

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    I sometimes wonder if part of it is due to differences in background and formative experiences, where the tools of intuition that you use are based on experiences and resultant motivations that are alien to those of the other person. I’ve encountered people who are very difficult to figure out, but I don’t always feel like it’s due to a barrier being put up.
     
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  6. Hostarius

    Hostarius Level 10 Cynical Optimist

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    Could you clarify what you mean by 'read' here? Are you trying to detect 'ulterior motives', 'true intentions' and things like this?

    Maybe you ought to ask why you're going around trying to 'read' people.

    Personally I take people at their word until they give me a reason not to, but I'm not shy about pointing out when something doesn't sound right (making me 'blunt' in certain situations).

    Yeah sometime's you'll encounter people who seem inauthentic, and it's a pain trying to interact with them, but I don't see why that should cause any great distress.

    However I do agree with what's already been said: 9 times out of 10 their front is a shield for weakness and insecurity. There are polite ways to reassure them and get them to drop the facade, though. For instance, if you notice that someone is 'competing' with you, then you can graciously give them the validation they're seeking (act impressed); in my experience, non-narcissistic people react by feeling safe with this and can become more 'normal' with you, but narcs will latch on to this and abuse your validation, seeking more and more of it.
     
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  7. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    People who are unhealthy tend to be hard to read, I find.

    Don Draper from the show Mad Men is a good example. At least in the first few seasons — always kind of hard to "get" him. He felt slippery/elusive.
     
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  8. Milktoast Bandit

    Milktoast Bandit Them's the breaks, kid.

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    This is like me a lot of the time. It's much more energy efficient to just take people at their word until they prove otherwise. When words and actions don't match, I'm much more confident in calling it out than I used to be. Which also saves energy. Win/win
     
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  9. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    This. Those who are difficult to read are busy reading others.
     
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  10. MoonFlier

    MoonFlier Community Member

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    Why are these people hard to read? There could be any number of reasons.

    Exhaustion, Introversion, Stress can all cause issues with communication.
    Are they just in conflict with you and trying to be difficult? If so, what is the source of that conflict?
    Or, continuing with the Star Trek theme are they simply Vulcans who have not an ounce of humanity in them to read?

    I've been told I'm hard to read too. It's usually because I'm quiet. In meetings when asked my opinion I'll ask the room to pass me by and I'll get back to them after I've processed the information as I know I'll miss something important I'll have to circle back on if I just blurt out the first things that come to mind.
     
  11. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    So that's not quite why I do it. That's why I started doing it as a child because if I didn't predict my parents' emotions and cater to them I would suffer abuse by their hands, so I got really good at knowing who people are and what they want to avoid harm.

    These days reading people is less about safety and something that just comes naturally. I can have a couple conversations with someone and get the gist of who they are and adjust accordingly. A lot of the time I can do this just by observing a person from afar.

    Sometimes there are people who I don't understand their behavior. Like I can't figure out why theyre doing what they're doing, the facts just don't add up. It bothers me not emotionally but like a puzzle. I want to figure out what that person's story is. They become more interesting.
     
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  12. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    I figured it out tonight.

    At least, this particular instance.

    I can't read him because he reflects everything back. He's very good at it. So much so that I thought it was genuine, but now I understand; it's not real.
     
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  13. GRiMM

    GRiMM Community Member

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    reflects how? any chance you two are the same doing the same thing? or that what u mean?
     
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  14. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    No. We're not the same, not at all. This person can just reflect energies. Give people what they want to see. It's like he feeds off of other people and then puts back out what you gave him- but thats not him, it's his facsimile of you.
     
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  15. Hostarius

    Hostarius Level 10 Cynical Optimist

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    You do realise that you're describing another human being, right?
     
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  16. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Are you mocking me?
     
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  17. Hostarius

    Hostarius Level 10 Cynical Optimist

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    Are you OK?

    I'm getting concerned to be honest - there's something about the highly fearful way you're interpreting social situations that is not quite right.
     
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  18. Hostarius

    Hostarius Level 10 Cynical Optimist

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    No I'm aiming to point out that your reaction to this man is concerning from an outsider's perspective.
     
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  19. dragulagu

    dragulagu Truth does not change because it is, or is not. 42

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  20. OP
    slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Why?
     
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