[PAX]Falling for a married woman. | INFJ Forum

[PAX]Falling for a married woman.

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Billy, Mar 15, 2010.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 7 users.
More threads by Billy
  1. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    Bob met May years ago, 10 years ago to be precise. They always had a pretty cool connection, they were both similar in a lot of ways too... the only problem was circumstance, one was either going to a different school or a different state, or got involved with someone, but they always carried that connection, and for 10 years they came into and out of each others lives, time and time again.

    There was a really awesome connectivity that kept them coming back to one and other, and even though they never had sex or anything like that they always knew that they were very interested in one and other, even if it was just a "what if" thing because they loved the times they had together. They were friends for years, ad because of differing times and schedules and careers and schools they always ended up far away so MUCH of this went through phone calls and chat cameras etc in the dorm room.

    Essentially they grew up away form one and other but together.

    Recently Bob got out of a very long relationship, May found out and they got to talking about it and whatnot, there was still a lot there. May on the other hand moved to another country and married some guy.

    May has been married for 3 years... Bob is single.

    Once again Bob and May enter into each others lives from afar, May tells Bob that she is extremely unhappy in her marriage because Mike (the husband) is a complete self absorbed person who is ambition-less, emotionally vacant, and extremely possessive. May says she isn't allowed to have any friends, Mike runs them all off, but he also ignores her all night when they're home.

    Mike aside for a bit.

    May and Bob really start talking a lot, more so then EVER before, not just flirting and pleasantries but deep deep conversations about anything you can imagine. And its good. SO good.

    May feels happy, she confides that she has always loved Bob and always wondered what if, and why Bob didn't make a move.

    Bob admits that for years he was extremely insecure about himself and other things so he found it too hard to open up and speak from a place of truth and openness. But that recent revelations had opened his eyes to a lot of things, and that he also had major feelings for May.

    May and Bob fall in love.

    Mike is completely unaware, he doesn't care enough to figure out why May is suddenly happy when shes always miserable. May begins to distance herself from Mike and gravitate towards Bob since Bob is finally "emotionally stable and open" enough to have a real meaningful relationship with her.

    May tells Bob that she is going to divorce Mike, not for Bob, she refuses to let it be about that and much to Bobs relief neither does he... but she says "you're just a catalyst for me to break free from this misery" She says she always wanted Bob and that they should meet up asap. And that she feels horrible about the situation, not that she is talking to Bob, that she is married to Mike, and she says she cant even let Mike kiss her goodnight without feeling terrible, she feels like she is cheating... but she says she feels like shes cheating on Bob, not Mike.

    Tonight May told Mike that she needed time to think and be separate so she can clear her head.

    This came on after weeks of deciding when the right time to tell him was... tonight was it after a nasty argument which Mike started about May spending too much time on the phone or on the computer, and that she needed to do more to make him happy. She explodes on Mike and kicks him out... afterall, she pays all the bills, buys all the food and commodities and works 60 hours and THEN comes home to cook Mikes dinner. He never even has the desency to ask how her day was, he pays lip service to it after whining about his job for 2 hours while he eats the dinner she bought and cooked for him.

    Bob and May talked about it for a few hours on the phone, May said that whe she told Mike she needed time to think and that he should move back with his parents he was completely emotionless and said "ok, no problem take all the time you need" she was very angry, "Im not even worth a fight? not worth a single point of contention?"

    So Mike is going on Tuesday, she just wants him to get out so she can change the locks and work on how to tell him its completely over.

    At this point May and Bob are in love.

    Mike is going away.

    And the logistical planning of how to get together is underway...

    There is much more to the story then what I ave written, but i am trying to summarize here.

    Basically looking for comments and ideas and insight.
     
  2. OP
    Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    I think you are off on Mike.
     
  3. efromm

    efromm Truth... Is Painful....
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2008
    Threads:
    39
    Messages:
    3,245
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,144
    Trophy Points:
    782
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    InFj
    How would I know? I don't know mike. Your right then. What answer would you have liked? Go for it! Break up a marriage Mike won't care? Is that better?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Solongo likes this.
  4. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    133
    Messages:
    12,765
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    16,541
    Trophy Points:
    1,227
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    May is not invested in the marriage. May should leave marriage and cut Mike loose to find someone who wants to be with him. Hopefully, May and Billy don't end up in a similiar situation to May and Mike.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    1 person likes this.
  5. OP
    Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....

    Your answers just seemed so cut and dry, is it really that easy? Is there a god?
     
  6. OP
    Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    You are so clever arentcha? For the sake of argument lets just play along. I don't think May is invested in the marriage, that much is certain, she certainly doesn't get anything out of it.
     
  7. Matariki

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 30, 2009
    Threads:
    106
    Messages:
    3,491
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    496
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    N/A
    Enneagram:
    N/A
    What made May want to be involved in a relationship with Mike in the first place?

    Was she happy before the marriage?
    How long did she know Mike before being married to him?
    What was Mike like before the marriage?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #7 Matariki, Mar 15, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2010
  8. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    133
    Messages:
    12,765
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    16,541
    Trophy Points:
    1,227
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    That's what is obvious in the post. I said that. So, carry on then. At least it seems like she's planning on ending the marriage. Which appears beneficial for all parties involved!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #8 acd, Mar 15, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2010
  9. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2010
    Threads:
    129
    Messages:
    4,895
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    8,655
    Trophy Points:
    877
    MBTI:
    SOCMOB
    Enneagram:
    .
    Seems like divorce is the word. Maybe May and, er, Bob should hold their horses while this is going on though. It's been this long already. Why not let the situation settle back down and take a few more months before going public?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  10. OP
    Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    Thank you Hotkebab, I don't want to sound like a prick, but i was hoping people would come in to talk, not just throw answers at me. Friggin J's.

    She wasnt especially happy before the marriage, I think she was kind of lost and she fell into it not out of good intentions and feelings but out of desperation. She didn't know Mike long at all, and as some people do when they get into a relationship (Mike) He did a fantastic job of hiding who he really was before he whisked her off and settled her in a low income housing place.

    From what I know of Mike before, during and after the marriage he is a complete drifter, he sort of just idles through life without any goals or ambitions or really passion of any kind. That stuff is easy enough to fake when you are dating, but it seems not so easy to fake once the finances were mixed together and it turned out he didn't want to go to work.

    May was stuck taking care of him for 3 years. Luckily shes rather intelligent and was able to score a fantastic job that paid a lot.

    Mike isnt a bad person, hes a decent enough person, but I believe Mike and May were fundamentally mismatched from the get go... and being that May is only 25, and Mike 27 it wasnt exactly the best decision to make at the time being so young. IMO.

    You ever see one of those relationships where you think to yourself "yeah, i give that 2 months, or 1 year"? Thats the situation as everyone saw it i believe.
     
  11. Norton

    Norton XXXX

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2009
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    1,527
    Likes Received:
    522
    Trophy Points:
    255
    MBTI:
    XXXX
    Enneagram:
    XXXX
    Agreed. There are important legal implications here. May and "Bob" should be careful not to hand the legal advantage to Mike.
     
  12. OP
    Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    Sage advice, that sort of is the plan, May and Bob aren't going to get together until August. The D is already underway. And its not public, but this is a good place to sort of get this out there and see what other people think.

    Excellent point.

    May and Bob are being extremely discreet.
     
    #12 Billy, Mar 15, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2010
  13. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2008
    Threads:
    66
    Messages:
    1,767
    Likes Received:
    307
    Trophy Points:
    215
    MBTI:
    Questioning?
    Enneagram:
    5w6
    A question I had that hasn't been asked is how similar are Bob and Mike? And also to what effect the way May and Mike's relationship is ending is going to affect Bob's perception of May and any future issues they may have.
     
  14. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    283
    Messages:
    7,818
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    2,142
    Trophy Points:
    892
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    6w5
    I do not think it is anyone's business to assume why May is doing what she is doing, how Mike is, and the success of May and Bob's possible relationship.

    It is all about the attitude of the people in this scenario. May has to watch out about how she feels- and only she will know if she needs to break off the marriage with Mike and only she will know when or if she is ready to create a new relationship which may or may not include Bob.

    I think this is an empowering story. If May does not like her relationship and feels she is being abused she needs to get out of it, whether or not she starts a relationship is her business alone. The thing she will need to worry about is if she is being biased or if her point of view is flurried by the emotions of things- but May is responsible for herself and she will have to look at her life before making these sort of choices. If May makes mistakes, she will hopefully learn from them- no one can save May, Mike, or Bob from the situation but themselves. They alone must decide what happens and they will.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  15. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2009
    Threads:
    222
    Messages:
    5,741
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    938
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    It sounds like something I have lived in my head before. It's a perfect tragedy! Mike is not a bad guy, but is immature and fundementaly wrong for May at this point. She has figured things out truly now. She was in Mike's life for a time, and for a purpose. That time and purpose is over now. It is now time for her and Bob to alter their courses of existance. Lifes journey is one of connection and change. It is now their time to create that within each other. Mike will survive and grow too. Just in a different way with other people.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Billy likes this.
  16. OP
    Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    Bob loves May enough to take that risk.

    Bob/Mike, couldn't be more different. It would be like comparing an INFJ to an ISTJ. WHat may wants is to be loved and to have a partner who is willing to do what is needed to survive in a mean and wicked world. Mike cannot offer this. Mike only cares about Mikes needs.
     
  17. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2009
    Threads:
    222
    Messages:
    5,741
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    938
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    Thanks Billy. I know it's true because I have lived this before. There is an old "Byrds" song that sums it up perfectly, but that song is actually taken from a verse in the bible. Not that I condone following that blindly, but it does have wisdom in it too!

    Check out this shagadelic video!!

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKHstR6ndus&feature=PlayList&p=5F673983C2A39D42&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=34"]YouTube- The Byrds - Turn Turn Turn[/ame]
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2008
    Threads:
    249
    Messages:
    5,015
    Likes Received:
    711
    Trophy Points:
    245
    MBTI:
    If this was already answered I didn't catch it, but what I wonder is why was May with a guy that treated her so poorly? What issues was/is she dealing with, is she ready to enter into another relationship - especially one this serious/significant? if they still exist, how dominant are they, do they need to be addressed, how might they affect her and Bob's relationship? how would Bob respond to that, would he be willing to work through it with her if they arose? Hope that helps.
     
  19. OP
    Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
    Donor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2009
    Threads:
    95
    Messages:
    4,828
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    Trophy Points:
    381
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    CT
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    ....
    I think May got with Mike when she was at a different point in her life, a point where she wasn't thinking about what she needed out of someone to make it work, she just thought of the fun and such... when the fun wore off and it became a relationship that needed effort (they all do) it seems as though Mike came up short on his duties as a husband. May has a specific medical condition as well, nothing fatal, but it causes complications, one of the side effects of said condition is the possibility of cognitive function dying off over time if its not treated properly. One story she told about Mike is how he keeps turning the oven on when she is finished cooking, then he will say oh you forgot to turn the stove off, youre gonna bur the place down... She isnt stupid, she knows she turned it off, just as you or I would. He does it because he knows she terrified of losing mental capability, and to him it a joke, a really bad bad joke. Thats Mike.
     
  20. Barnabas

    Barnabas Time Lord

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2009
    Threads:
    263
    Messages:
    5,242
    Likes Received:
    666
    Trophy Points:
    667
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Florida man
    MBTI:
    wiblywobly
    Enneagram:
    timeywimey
    every coin has two sides, in this case three. I wish I could have some input from Mike, May and Bob. But then again I recognise myself as to ignorant for this matter, I don't have any experience in this stuff in the least.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #20 Barnabas, Mar 15, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2010
Loading...

Share This Page