[INFJ] - Opening up, too much? | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Opening up, too much?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by TheFool, Jan 24, 2020.

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  1. Roses In The Vineyard

    Roses In The Vineyard Community Member

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    I used to make that mistake in my younger years and it slowly turned me into an misanthrope that for much of the regular types of people one has to be so mindful otherwise a little mistake turns into a cluster fuck. I don't even share little things that are normal for people to be careless about. I live in a Very judgey part of the country and one has to be so guarded that it is exhausting.
     
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  2. April

    April Well-known member

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    Story of my frickin life. Nobody gives what I give. I mean I have tried so hard with so many people. An it's just that I end up either exhausting them, or sensing that they don't want to talk and I just leave them alone for a bit. I might send one or two messages but I try not to "beg" someone to talk to me. I know I have value that goes beyond what other people really can see. It ay annoy some people. in fact I know it does. I can be annoying. But I know it's special the way I love. And if its too much for them, then its their loss. With very few people have I cared about so much that I have been that vulnerable, to beg or continue to annoy them just for a message or a few lines back... but those are special occasions, and it just so happens a couple of them are here on the forum lol. But in real life lately, if I sense that unwillingness, I let it die. Then if they ask why, I say the truth. I wasn't always this way, but I find I like having my dignity more than a one sided friendship.

    @Hostarius I am not an enneagram 1 so why does what you said sound exactly like me... lol
     
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    #42 April, Jan 26, 2020
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  3. April

    April Well-known member

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    No, I am glad you did. Now, I don't feel so... stupid? Alone? I don't feel like it's just me that has that problem. I get so frustrated, because its like, I put myself out there to so many people, and it's like trying to pull teeth like David said... to get something real in return. What it brings to mind is like fishing with exquisite bait, that only a certain amount of fishies have that refined taste to appreciate. You use all the bait, and it just gets spit back out and sinks to the lake or ocean floor, until that one fish that actually likes your bait comes along and gobbles it up. But even that one rare fish gets tired of the same fancy dish... he wants a dirty worm every now and then. LOL I know, I am strange. But its like that. You exhaust yourself... for absolutely nothing. Sometimes, I just want to give up. It hurts to want to connect and talk and socialize with people that just... don't wanna do it with you. </3
     
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  4. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    very well put. it gets old sometimes, putting myself out there, but with some people I'll keep trying. . even after telling myself to stop. I think. . just one more. .
     
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  5. April

    April Well-known member

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    Yeah. It's almost deceptive, you get someone who falsely does this, and when you are "real" in return, they back away. It's so disheartening!
     
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  6. April

    April Well-known member

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    lol!
     
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  7. April

    April Well-known member

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    Its that desire for real connection driving us!
     
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  8. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    definitely. .
     
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  9. Hostarius

    Hostarius Thermobaric

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    @April @Aneirin Can't say any of this is sounding particularly healthy.
     
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  10. April

    April Well-known member

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    Oh, well. I guess I'll give it up then. Darn. :p

    Lol Jk my friend. I appreciate the concern. I do. I did mention that most of that is in my past, I said lately that I don't really do it anymore. There are a couple on here that I talk to even when they don't message me back, but I wait several days even weeks in between, and even then I don't beg them to talk to me. But that is on here. In real life, I don't do this at all anymore. Fuck that, I got better things to do, like focus on myself. My school. My daughter. I'm not wasting my energy crying over people who don't want me. Maybe it sounds cynical and I'm mad about it. Well... yeah. I am cause I know my worth and if they don't, like I said, their loss. That might sound a bit harsh and arrogant or selfish or...something negative that I can't put my finger on. But, honestly, I think its because I have been worn down so much, that I just can't anymore. After you give so much and nothing is reciprocated, when do we learn that its not working? To stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. I know this doesn't sound like me. But right now, this is how I feel. <3

    Now I will say a couple of girls that I truly connect with in real life... I do often say hi to, but it is few and far in between and I suck at keeping up with those relationships. But most of them, a couple of INFPs and and INFJ... and most recently, an ENFP, they always are excited to talk to me and we do have conversations, often meaningful. But like I said, I suck at maintaining, yet I need them. I'm so weird!
     
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  11. Hostarius

    Hostarius Thermobaric

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    Why do you 'need' them?

    We can't force people to like us or want to spend time with us. Nobody owes us their attention.

    April are you sure you aren't an extrovert?
     
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  12. April

    April Well-known member

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    @Hostarius I am desperately sure. You can't think that because I need connection I am an extrovert, lol. If that were true, half of the INFJs on here would be extroverts. You're extremely introverted and an INTJ with little "need" of that as you mentioned before, so I dunno if you could understand this aspect of me. This is is no way an insult to you by the way, you know I'm a Hos fan! But yeah I just think that because I'm so "extra" on here, I do come across an an extrovert. I get mistaken for an extrovert in real life too, its a misunderstanding I am used to.

    When I say I need them, it's not that I need them all the time, or even need them at all. I tend to exaggerate because I "feel" so strongly about it. I don't really need them. I just love them, and want to socialize with them every once in a while. But even so, there have been many times where they have texted or called me... and I ignored the hell out of it because I just don't want to talk to anyone. I feel so bad about it too. It's a constant anxiety because nobody understands why I withdraw. When it comes to the word "need"... I find that I need to withdraw moreso than I need to interact... most of the time. As long as I have my SO to interact with, and my daughter... I have all the social time I need. But.. sometimes I need someone who can understand me.. and that is where that need for true connection comes in. I just want to be understood. I understand people most of the time, why can't they understand me? Hell yeah I am complicated as fuck! But isn't there anyone who is up for that challenge? That is all I mean when I say I need them. Does this make better sense? I hope I didn't offend you! *hugs* Oh wait you don't like hugs... *gives you a thumbs up* LOL
     
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    #52 April, Jan 26, 2020
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  13. April

    April Well-known member

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    Oh, I am fully aware that I can't force people to like me. Nor do I think people owe me anything. Just so everyone's aware. Actually, that kinda stung a little, if you say that you must think something along those lines of me at least in this moment... But no worries, you can't help how you feel.
     
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  14. Hostarius

    Hostarius Thermobaric

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    Don't be daft, April, I like you.

    I'm just trying to get my head around what you're describing here.

    And for the record, everybody needs social interaction, it's just how we're built as human beings. I didn't ask you to mark you out as different, I just wanted you to explain, in your own words.
     
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  15. April

    April Well-known member

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    Lol.. I'm not trying to be daft, its just well you're one of those people I bug a little extra if you don't respond. (And you know that I don't do it that often! I'm not constantly in your inbox but I do send you messages every now and then Lol...) and your opinion means a lot to me! I look up to you, like, a lot. As I am sure many people here do. I know you like me! If you didn't you wouldn't fool with me lol.

    But yeah, I am pretty contradictory. To say I need something then say I don't. Many people see it as me not knowing who I truly am. That I often don't know what sides to take, that I often say one thing and turn around do another. But honestly, everything depends on something else, and every feeling and situation is unique. I can say I need something, and I can say I don't need that same thing, and both things be true to me... just at different times, lol. I know, it's strange. But it's me.
     
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  16. April

    April Well-known member

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    For the record, I don't see this is a fault in me. I see it as a strength. Because it allows me to see all (well most) perspectives and if I think everything that is me as a fault, then how can I see myself a beautiful person? I just refuse to see something that is a part of my entire core as negative. (Well, this part anyway, lol) I mean... it is so hard to explain but its really a gift as I see it, that others hardly ever can understand. I think a lot of people here do, though. And that very thing is the reason I love it here. I don't feel so misunderstood, and I know others are often that thing that I describe as contradictory as well. I wish I could find a way to describe it in a more positive way other than being contradictory, because the connotation of that word is often negative, and implied as "wishy washy" and "unstable". Oftentimes I've been unstable, but it's a separate thing entirely.
     
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  17. Hostarius

    Hostarius Thermobaric

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    April, I can be a lazy bastard when it comes to that.

    You've got interesting things to say, and boundless energy, and I think that might be the issue here - you're overwhelming people. Personally, I'd love to give you the responses you deserve, but I just don't have the mental energy half the time.

    This is why in my last PM I promised I'd get back to you, and I still haven't. I feel bad about that but it's not that I don't care or wouldn't like to - I just haven't yet; my priorities are elsewhere.

    If I could give you any advice about this particular issue you're facing, it would be to simply adjust your approach in the face of social cues and feedback. If someone seems to be a two sentences kind of guy, for instance, pull your interactions down to that speed. The energy level needs to be matched by both parties to establish proper flow and rapport, otherwise one is left wanting while the other is overwhelmed.

    To me this is 'empathetic' and 'loving', too. Just go easy at first and establish where the lines are. I know it's hard, but hold yourself back and don't give so much so soon; it upsets the natural escalation that people are used to.
     
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  18. Hostarius

    Hostarius Thermobaric

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    April, you are loved, but what I say next is a bit challenging:

    You're viewing it as a strength, but that also means you're unwilling to change. If you're getting all this feedback that it's a bit much for most people, then at what point does that 'self-love' simply become antisocial?
     
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  19. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    and as for me, I'm just a fuck nut with some people. I am working on it
     
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  20. April

    April Well-known member

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    I know, you are very right on that. I will admit that I do have flaws in this area. I do overwhelm people. And silly, I hope you know that I am not at all miffed that you haven't gotten back to me on that, I can tell that it's because you don't have the energy and the priority isn't there. It doesn't make me feel less valued because as I said, I know you'll get back to me on that concept of whatever it was we were discussing, and I am patient. You'll get to it when you want to, if you want to, and if not, I won't be hurt, and I won't dislike you. It doesn't however, mean that I won't message you about other things in between. Less deep and less energy things, I mean lol. I hope you don't think any of this was due to that! I swear that one thing wasn't even on my mind at this moment!

    I am trying really hard to take this advice, as other people have given it to me as well. So I hear it, and I am really trying which is why I am not all up in your (and the other peeps I look up to and love) inbox saying "WHY HAVEN'T YOU RESPONDED TO ME YOU MUST HATE ME" Lol. No worries my friend.
     
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