[INFJ] Opening up, too much?

I notice that you're an enneagram 1 like me. I have a bit of a tendency to overshare, too, and it comes from a weird mix of a few factors:

- False/real sense of being comfortable in who I am
- Needing to be 'honest'
- Wanting to show the person that I trust them
- Unconsciously testing their reaction to my less than attractive features

 

I'll do that when I run across another INFJ. . believing that they have similar notions about things that I do, overshare, and then get broadsided in finding out they do not.

 

I would look into the behavioral theory of matchers, givers and takers: https://www.lemonade.com/blog/psychology-givers-takers-matchers-2/

As someone who was socially isolated for a long time it was difficult for me to understand how to strengthen relationships and deepen them.

It can be very tempting to be vulnerable early on, but for many people that's a warning sign of a lack of emotional regulation and instability.

What I've found is the healthiest approach is to try to be a matcher.

If you are trying to strengthen a friendship you have to take a risk and be vulnerable- but do something small first and see how the person responds.

If they match you, they will be vulnerable back. Maybe not in that same interaction, but you being vulnerable should inspire them to also be vulnerable with you.

If you try to deepen a relationship and are not matched,

DO NOT CONTINUE TO TRY TO DEEPEN THE RELATIONSHIP

you might want to wait a while to see if they open up, and you wait long enough you might be able to try again, but understand that people are uncomfortable when someone gives more in a relationship and likewise when someone gives too little. It is about striking a balance of how much each of you can tolerate.

 

"It is about striking a balance of how much each of you can tolerate."slant

amen to that

 

Mindfulness would be helpful to fix this tendency. Need to fix the mindset to stay in the present moment.

 

Thanks for that, slant. Very interesting; I'd never come across that before.

 

I have a person right now I am trying to get to know, and having very little luck. They initially reached out and wanted "to talk". .even sent me a phone number. . so I sent a text. . nothing. .sent another. . nothing. . sent a message on line. .no much. . sent some art, and they hated that, so I sent a song, that got a reaction. then shared a photograph I liked. . got a response. but man, it's like pulling teeth. I don't know if i should call, or just give up. . oh sent another text, nothing. .

 

I would ask yourself...

Why are you willing to invest so much of your own precious time and energy when you are not getting a return?

 

Yeah, that doesn't sound healthy to me.

 

yeah I'm thinking it's not

 

That's where I got stuck. .

 

I would also consider the possibility that slow responses do not indicate lack of interest. Many people live busy lives.

My best friend sometimes takes 3 days to reply to a single text. She works full time and goes to school and is very busy. I sometimes take my time to reply to something because I don't know what to say or am socially exhausted. You can't know the reasons why others behave the way they do and to think it's a rejection of you so quickly is low self worth talking. Also- if you are that fixated on a single social interaction, in my experience, you probably have too much free time.

Pick up a hobby. Invest your time in yourself more.

 

Well, I should preface the things I'm going to say with a caveat, and that is that I haven't completely worked myself out here when it comes to this, so my input should be taken as highly provisional.

The thing with me is that I don't really 'try' to connect with people, and if I make an effort to strengthen a bond it's usually a very deliberate and strategic thing. It's not that I want to make the bond stronger because I 'need' or 'want' it/them, but rather that I feel that the bond should be strengthened, and it makes me feel good to be tight with key people.

My peopling needs are very very limited, and I'm pretty sure this is true for most INTJs. I'm not antisocial, and I like to socialise occasionally, but I don't crave any intimacy or attention from those people. Rather, I prefer my 'intimacy' to be with a single person and personally I can't divorce that from the idea of an SO. For instance, I'm not really a hugger - I find it a bit awkward, and I'm awkward at it - but with an SO I'm a complete snuggle monster; it's one of my favourite things.

That's not to say that I'm closed off from people, just that outside of that intimate circle I don't 'care', and so for me I think my oversharing effects a mental separation between myself and the person I'm sharing with. It's like I'm happy to put the totality of myself out there because I don't care how people respond to it particularly. It's the opposite of sharing to build connection.

Having said all that, I do appreciate connection, but I don't really 'do' anything to try to get it, nor miss it when it isn't there. As I said, all of this is provisional.

 

not at all brother. . this is the place for it. . trust me

 

Combat is about deception and dancing is focused on cooperation. They are similar but fundementally different.