Online dating advice please?

[Eniko]

So, I've been trying online dating without a whole lot of success. A while back I met someone who actually shared a big interest with me, and then suddenly I stopped hearing from her without any indication as to why. By then meeting tons of people and not connecting with the vast majority of them, only to have most of the ones I was vaguely interested in disappear was starting to add up and take a toll on my self-esteem; even though I know it had nothing to do with me I was starting to get down on myself for none of it working out.

Basically, I decided it wasn't worth throwing all that energy into a pit never to be seen or heard from again while simultaneously making my self esteem suffer, which is really the last thing I need. I decided to call it quits on the online dating thing, which is a decision I've been doubting too.

Anyway. The one girl I actually share a major interest with popped up again on email today, after 10 days. She simply responded to my last one and didn't really explain or anything. Makes me paranoid that she's just mailing with me as some kind of backup she talks to when she isn't pursuing someone she's actually into. On the other hand that's a hell of a lot of assumptions, so maybe I should just stop whining and respond.

It mostly comes down to, should I respond at all? Also I'm still wondering if giving up the online dating thing is a good thing for me because when I'm not doing anything about why I feel unhappy I just feel helpless and frustrated.

Thoughts?

 

[IndigoSensor]

Well, for one, I end up feeling the EXACT same way you do when someone all the sudden drops and dissapears, so I sympathize . I realised that I was unwillingly throwing all of my energy into it subconsiously because since I never really have the option to date anyone, I get excited. It is hard to do but I am finding myself putting up walls and reservations so I don't fall head over heals over nothing.

As far as the actual online dating goes. I sort of just put myself out there, and let it sit. I have accounts on like 4 websites or so. Randomly (like once every 6 months) I will get an IM (I have my aim screenname listed in my profile) from some person and I will start talking. I have also joined manhunt.com (although that is no use to you, lol) to find people, and that has led me to find one person who I have dated.

Really, it just takes persistance and paients.

 

[rainrise]

i've never dated anyone online or been involved in an online dating site. there are a few reasons for the latter, the most important being that it scatters my emotional focus and i find myself feeling like a dilettante. i'm sure it offers advantages like being able to meet many people at once as well as meeting people who you wouldn't otherwise meet normally.
actually, maybe my hesitance has more to do with dating in general. i know that i fall hard when i do, so i keep a close guard on my reaching out.

also like you mentioned, Eniko, online dating involves many assumptions about the other person and some which you build into subconcious expectations. it's hard for me to know whether i've fallen for their online alter ego or if i'm truly interested. i also have a tendency to compartmentalize them...something i do rather unconsciously. so all in all, i don't feel genuine either.

by the way, girls are so hard to read. you have my best wishes

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

don't reply - if she was actually interested she would have done it sooner. Not right away but within two days at least. She probably liked the idea of you (online persona can be so different even if you don't try to make it that way) then when she met you in person realized that the real you is different. Ten days later her mind is foggy on the date details and she still likes the idea of you. I doubt it will go anywhere.

I have gone on a few dates set up online. It's hit or miss. I've met people who seem great but are not, and people who just don't know how to write an online profile but turn out to be great. Fact is, within the first few minutes of a date you can tell if there is a spark of attraction between the two of you. If it isn't there, then it isn't there. Online dating is just like regular dating only it gets set up differently. Same rules, different game.

 

[Satya]

My experience with online dating is to find people with similar interests so you have something to talk about and make your intentions very clear from the beginning. If someone peeks your interest then start mentioning meeting them by the third time you chat with them. The other person needs some sign that you have interest or they will feel like they are just wasting their time. Generally if you say you want to meet a person, then they will want to know more about you and you can go from there, but you should emphasize you want to meet them every chat after the third. If they don't reciprocate or they stall for a long time, then you need to be prepared to walk away. If they say they want to meet you before you are ready, then it is fine since the balls in your court since you asked first.

Disclaimer: I have never had a long term relationship emerge out of someone I met online.

I have also joined manhunt.com

Oh gawd, I hate manhunt! Total hook up site.

Although some of the avatars are fun to look at.

 

[slant]

OKcupid is great for quizzes. Maybe you should take quizzes instead of dating. I find it a pleasant alternative.

 

[Lurker]

If she's a P it may just be about getting round to things when she feels like it, not necessarily an indication of lack of interest or even importance really, although it could be. The intensity of either of those things are hard to gauge without meeting anyway.

If I get a short message that requires little thought to answer I'd generally respond promptly but with longer messages I have made friends wait months. They learn after a while that it's just me and not an indication of lack of interest in them.

I'd suggest trying to get her on MSN if you haven't already, a real time conversation requires immediate answers and you can get a better idea of if she's just playing along without much interest. And take it to real life sooner rather than later if you're serious.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Oh gawd, I hate manhunt! Total hook up site.

Although some of the avatars are fun to look at.

Haha, I agree. I will likely give up on that site at the end of the summer. I have made it clear with my intro on there that I don't want anyone for hookups, or people who are over 25, so I get little response. Needless to say, only one thing has come to fruition from that site, haha.

 

[rainrise]

hookups...yet another reason why i'm not fond of online dating

 

[Eniko]

i've never dated anyone online or been involved in an online dating site. there are a few reasons for the latter, the most important being that it scatters my emotional focus and i find myself feeling like a dilettante.

Yeah this is basically exactly how I feel, even when things aren't going badly and reflecting on my self esteem! I don't know how people manage to keep it up over long stretches of time.

Thing is we haven't gone out on a date yet. I was actually working up to asking her out when she did her vanishing act. So it's not a case of that, or I would've just dropped her like a ton of bricks without a very good excuse. I've learned that much, at least.

If someone peeks your interest then start mentioning meeting them by the third time you chat with them. The other person needs some sign that you have interest or they will feel like they are just wasting their time.

I suppose I should start doing that then. I was holding out for getting a picture of her first though. :tongue: I find the whole picswap thing so hard to initiate across email, so I was waiting to catch her on MSN sometime to do that.

Also, thanks Lurker! That was all very useful. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I find writing a long email pretty tiring too but if it's someone I have interest in I just make the time, sit down and write. I can see why someone might procrastinate on it, especially if they were already busy.

Anyway last night she actually popped up on MSN for the first time ever and we actually talked for about an hour til she had to go to bed, so I guess I'll see where this goes. Turns out she had been extremely busy wrapping up her internship, her report on that, school projects and upcoming final exams. Course, it would've made sense to me to say so inside the email.

... Really starting to wonder what she tests as, now. Anyway I suppose I jumped the gun a little on this one, but usually when silence drags on quite that long it means "no interest, goodbye!".

Still unsure whether to continue the whole online dating thing, what with the hit it takes on my self esteem after a while, if this doesn't go anywhere.

 

[CoffeeShopDiva]

I have dated a few guys from the internet. It tends to be my main method of doing so, actually.

And - I also find that people you are interested in disappear somewhere along the line! WTF?!?!

But, for the most part, I don't find any of them interesting.

 

[sassafras]

Makes me paranoid that she's just mailing with me as some kind of backup she talks to when she isn't pursuing someone she's actually into.

Hmmm. And so what if she is? After all, what you've just described is precisely what the whole idea of dating is! You get to "shop around" for your perfect match, testing the waters, until you decide on which of these people best suits what you're looking for. Until you two mutually decide that you're going to be exclusive with one another, both of you should still be trying to see other people. I bet you dollars to donuts this isn't the only person you're going to get along well with; there's hundreds of others that you may have not put in the effort to get to know because you've been hung up on the first person who's been the closest in line with your interests.

If things haven't been going so well in the dating arena recently, don't take it personally. If something isn't working, it just means that you haven't appropriated the right approach in attracting the person you want. Maybe you should look into some articles that detail some strategies with high success rates?

Then again, if you're truly interested in pursuing a relationship with this particular person, then yes! Email her. See if the old chemistry is still there, but don't worry about who she's speaking to/who she's seeing until you two mutually decide on a relationship. Get the ball rolling, get to know one another, and then if it feels right, everything will fall in line. And if turns out you two aren't on the same page, take what you've learned, and move on. Remember: it takes two to tango! And she has every right to decide that you might not be the one for her, just as it's your perogative to decide that she might not be yours either.

Too often people approach dating with the attitude of ' I need a person in my life.' Really? Just any ol' person you're matched with? Or a special person? It's going to take a little more work to find that special person; even having to risk some time staying single, and gambling a few potential relationships trying to find them. In the end though, it will totally be worth it!

Try focusing on what you want, what you get out of online dating, instead of constantly worrying about possible ways you might get your self-esteem trampled on. That applies to everything in life, by the way. Live life, and be fierce about it.

Good luck!

 

[Eniko]

Hmmm. And so what if she is? After all, what you've just described is precisely what the whole idea of dating is! You get to "shop around" for your perfect match, testing the waters, until you decide on which of these people best suits what you're looking for. Until you two mutually decide that you're going to be exclusive with one another, both of you should still be trying to see other people. I bet you dollars to donuts this isn't the only person you're going to get along well with; there's hundreds of others that you may have not put in the effort to get to know because you've been hung up on the first person who's been the closest in line with your interests.

This last sentence is a pretty big assumption. I have been shopping around, meeting lots of people. This girl isn't new, she's just the latest in a line of girls I've been at least vaguely interested in. However for every girl I find that I find interesting there's 15 I don't connect with in any meaningful way, and not for lack of trying.

So no, I didn't get "hung up on the first person who's been closest in line with my interests" at all. I'm not even hung up on her, in fact I completely agree with you when you say that we're not exclusive and I have no claim on attention. Because you're right, I don't!

But that's not actually what this is about. This particular incident was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's just that shopping around through meeting lots of people, and then hoping I'll be left with someone eventually through a process of attrition takes a tremendous amount of energy from me. Energy that I could be spending elsewhere. And it hurts my self-esteem too, even though I know going through so many people before striking gold is normal and says nothing about me.

Try telling that to my subconscious.

Anyway I just wanted to make that perfectly clear. It's definitely not that this girl is so special (although gay female gamers that I can connect with in a meaningful fashion aren't exactly abundant) it's just that I'm starting to run on empty with the whole process.

 

[sassafras]

This last sentence is a pretty big assumption. I have been shopping around, meeting lots of people. This girl isn't new, she's just the latest in a line of girls I've been at least vaguely interested in. However for every girl I find that I find interesting there's 15 I don't connect with in any meaningful way, and not for lack of trying.

So no, I didn't get "hung up on the first person who's been closest in line with my interests" at all. I'm not even hung up on her, in fact I completely agree with you when you say that we're not exclusive and I have no claim on attention. Because you're right, I don't!

I apologize if I made an incorrect assumption. You made no mention of pursuing anyone other than this girl, and the phrasing wherein you stated you were paranoid of just being 'back up' is what gave me the impression that maybe you were keeping all your eggs in one basket. Thank you for clarifying.

But that's not actually what this is about. This particular incident was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's just that shopping around through meeting lots of people, and then hoping I'll be left with someone eventually through a process of attrition takes a tremendous amount of energy from me. Energy that I could be spending elsewhere. And it hurts my self-esteem too, even though I know going through so many people before striking gold is normal and says nothing about me.

Try telling that to my subconscious.

Anyway I just wanted to make that perfectly clear. It's definitely not that this girl is so special (although gay female gamers that I can connect with in a meaningful fashion aren't exactly abundant) it's just that I'm starting to run on empty with the whole process.

I think you may have just answered your own implicit question. If you feel that this process is affecting you negatively, and that your subconscious and your conscious expectations are not in line with one another, perhaps it may be a good idea for you to take a break, and focus on working on another area of your life. You could always come back, and give online dating another try once you feel up to it again.

 

[Final]

Just chiming in to highlight: http://eharmonycracked.blogspot.com/

This blog has amazing advice. If you've never tried eHarmony, keep in mind that it's matching process is much more intimate than every other site. So, if you read the sections on starting communication, make sure to read the "Open communication" ones.

However, everything else, such as profile and photo advice, is applicable to every dating site.