not fitting in: accept it or deal with it? | INFJ Forum

not fitting in: accept it or deal with it?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Morgain, May 7, 2010.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
More threads by Morgain
  1. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
    Donor

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2009
    Threads:
    114
    Messages:
    2,720
    Likes Received:
    466
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ again
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    I was thinking about the fitting in problem we all seem to have.

    should we accept it as it is or should we try to solve it. Is it caused by an inherent tread of ours to never feel that way unregarding the social environement or is it caused by a social environement that isn't very friendly towards us weirdos?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  2. OP
    Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
    Donor

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2009
    Threads:
    114
    Messages:
    2,720
    Likes Received:
    466
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ again
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    I think this feeling of not fitting in, for me, is connected to my self esteem. Today my terrible coworker treated me again like I didn't exist, like I wasn't physically present in the room, like my voice has no sound at all. This made my self esteem drop so tremendously. And after that I saw more and more signals from my other coworkers that I didn't matter, didn't exist, was undesirable, to little to be noticed. Again I felt like I didn't fit in here at all and I had the great desire to change that. To change myself to act differently to fit in more.

    It seems that my self esteem is a barometer to how well I feel that I fit in. Or better, how much it bothers me to not fit in...
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    tovlo likes this.
  3. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2010
    Threads:
    33
    Messages:
    2,042
    Likes Received:
    504
    Trophy Points:
    672
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    I think that fitting in is mostly the problem of perception. When you have someone that primarily lives in his/hers head and tend to notice differences before similarities, that person will in some social setting only see how s/he doesn't fit because s/he is different.

    Perspective that might help in that situation is realizing that our differences are the things that might contribute to the group and that we should demand that they be respected, and also look for similarities in order to better connect to people.

    I don't think that anybody really fits in or doesn't fit in, it's just the matter of how person perceives the situation and his/hers place in a group.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze likes this.
  4. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,387
    Messages:
    28,133
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    21,775
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Although on some level being a part of world or a community requires adapting yourself in some way, if you spend too much trying to mold or change yourself to fit, you may sacrifice unique and invaluable parts of the self.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #4 Gaze, May 7, 2010
    Last edited: May 7, 2010
  5. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2009
    Threads:
    245
    Messages:
    9,346
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2,228
    Trophy Points:
    966
    MBTI:
    ^.^
    Enneagram:
    .
    what exactly did your co-worker do? i'm sorry it happened, anyway. you don't deserve to feel like you don't matter, nobody does, and maybe how he treated you was because of a flaw in him rather than you being undesirable or unworthy of attention.

    to answer your question: not fitting in is not something you have to or should accept, imo. either change your perspective to see how you actually do fit in (usually possible), or change yourself to adapt to your environment. alternatively, you could change your environment to be more compatible to your natural self. everyone wants to fit in, it's probably one of our most basic psychological needs, and our sensitivity to cues that we don't fit in are probably a reflection of how important it is to our mental health. listen to those cues, they're there for a reason.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    tovlo likes this.
  6. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2008
    Threads:
    77
    Messages:
    1,112
    Likes Received:
    109
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I guess my fitting in problem is also related to my self-esteem :)

    I am thankful that I feel that I fit in and belong somewhere... in my class..thank god they will still be my classmates until 2012 :) :) I never had classmates that really made me feel like I belong except when I was still in grade 5 :)

    In the dance studio... well...... there are people who I can relate but I still feel out of place plus when our teachers get mad at us, I feel less fitting in.. maybe because my self esteem drops :(

    I will feel that I fit in if I can relate with most of the people and when they don't treat me like someone invisible :)

    accept it or deal with it?
    I think accept it!?!? or not!!?!? well I don't know bwahhahaha I can't change the way people think and I don't want to change myself and who I am for them but the thing is, different people know different parts of me.. I'm never just one person.. I kinda have like different personalities but all of those aren't fake. So, I noticed that...... the place where I feel like I fit in is the place where I show who I really am. But I only show who I really am if the people there show me that it's all right for me to show who I really am.

    Even in that place I feel like I don't fit in (sometimes)...so I guess I'd always feel like I would never fit in anywhere and no one would really like me. I don't think I fit in at home... my parents don't like me.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #6 soulseeker, May 7, 2010
    Last edited: May 7, 2010
  7. tovlo

    tovlo Well-known member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    Threads:
    61
    Messages:
    1,885
    Featured Threads:
    6
    Likes Received:
    4,903
    Trophy Points:
    1,172
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5- 469
    I very much understand, Morgain. I could have written that exact experience of the day at many times in my life.

    Just yesterday I was contemplating the ways in which my personality style is not in sync with my workplace environment. My first instinct is to assume my style is insufficient and needs to be changed. But then after a few moments of contemplation, I realized if I were actually to change, then I wouldn't be better, just something else, and most likely out of sync with a different set of people.

    If one is predisposed to notice those out-of-sync places, I don't think they will ever actually feel they fit in anywhere. I think infjs might be particularly sensitive to that feeling of being out of harmony with the environment, and to feeling pained by it. I get the sense you and I tend to experience that pain as a personal pain originating from lower self-esteem. I'm not sure it would manifest similarly for everyone, but I think many experience the pain. Some seem to experience the pain, but focus it outward as anger at the environment instead of self-disappointment. I'm not immune to this side of the expression either.

    I don't actually know the solution, but maybe understanding the no-win dynamics of that desire to not be out-of-sync with our environment is helpful. Thing is, I know I've periodically come to that understanding many times in my life since I've been a little child. I've then regularly lost that understanding again, going through repeated painful cycles of beating myself up for not being the "right" kind of personality because awareness of being mismatched to a significant degree with my environment rises up and takes over again.

    It may be one of our never-ending battles.

    I agree that these may be the available options.

    1) change the perspective - find and focus on where there is synchronicity with your environment. I know people who are like this. They are often called optimists. They confuse me. Yet I admire them and I am still on the hunt to acquire their knowledge.

    2) change yourself to adapt to your environment - that's often been my choice. I figure out what the environment expects, assess myself to see where I'm lacking, and then set out on "self-improvement". However, as mentioned above, I've realized that every environment has a different set of expectations and this approach eventually led to a very fractured sense of self because I needed to be a different aspect of self in every environment. I felt there was no one and no where I could just be the cohesive expression of me. It was the time I spent with INFPs that led me to decide, "enough!". I decided to just be myself and deal with the pain of not fitting in. It's an easier thing to decide than it is to actually accomplish and bear the results of.

    3) change your environment - I suppose this could be to actually stay put and orchestrate others around you to change, but this seems to demand a degree of Te I wouldn't know how (or maybe even want) to access. This option is another favorite of mine, but it takes the form of "run away" for me. I don't know. In the short term it kind of works. In the long run, as mentioned, I never fit in anywhere, so at some point you've just got to stop trying to find somewhere you fit (because you won't) and figure out how to be at peace with where you are. So, back to option #1.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #7 tovlo, May 7, 2010
    Last edited: May 7, 2010
    Soulful likes this.
  8. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2009
    Threads:
    8
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I don't worry to much about not fitting in too much these days...I have enough friends to make the social part of my life very enjoyable and enough solitude (which I highly value) to keep me grounded.

    I had this epiphany thirty years ago that, in hindsight, really altered my perceptions in this regard. I began, almost by accident, connecting with some times and places in history in which very real people approached life in ways I found fascinating. The further I went with this, it began to redefined "normal" for me, moving this epicenter from what we now see in pop culture (which is rather shallow and illusory) to something else more noble and creative that has stood the test of time, even moreso as I moved past a romantic view of the past into the nitty gritty of real decisions, choices, loves and sacrifices. A vivid connection with the real norms of living was made.

    So...do I fit in? You betcha. I now feel surrounded by a humanity that transcends the trends and styles of our day and is more connected to larger ideals. I do not feel isolated any more.

    I say don't be trapped by the shifting sands of the present milieu.....ground oneself in something bigger, broader, more solid.
     
    Soulful likes this.
  9. testing

    On Holiday

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2009
    Threads:
    37
    Messages:
    902
    Likes Received:
    90
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    qwer
    Morgain, that might have been a power play -- excluding someone is a tactic for gaining power/authority sometimes. :suspicious: Might require some further analysis and planning on your part... does NOT require feeling like you're less of a person!

    As for me? I don't feel like I fit in many places, but I do enjoy being around like-minded people, and I do usually feel like I fit in at my current place of employment. Possibly because I stay in my cube as much as possible. Hmmm... maybe not so healthy. Oh, well. *Shrugs*

    I do not feel like I fit in with most of my family & in-laws for many valid reasons which I won't bore you with. and I do not feel like I fit in with many of my neighbors and acquaintances. They seem to be interested in things like Pampered Chef parties (which I don't like) and they can be very braggy and petty and mean-spirited sometimes, and I don't care for that at all.

    Hey, Randomsomeone, can you elaborate? What time and place in history, and what approach to life? (If you don't mind me asking?)
     
  10. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,387
    Messages:
    28,133
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    21,775
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Agree.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. MindYourHead

    MindYourHead Courage doesn't always roar.

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2009
    Threads:
    21
    Messages:
    1,269
    Likes Received:
    291
    Trophy Points:
    230
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    I agree. Work too hard to fit into a group you are no longer yourself.

    Maybe it's the group that doesn't fit in. Hmm...
    :m075:
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze likes this.
  12. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2009
    Threads:
    67
    Messages:
    1,107
    Likes Received:
    208
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    6w5
    I don't think there's anything to solve really, except changing our attitudes about being accepted.

    When I consider the majority of people I encounter every day, I really am not pressed to be a part of it all.

    I am far happier existing as an independent entity. And I find people I've gotten close to are the ones I should be close to, as they know the real me.

    I found when I've tried to fit and "failed", I feel far worse than the twinges of loneliness make me feel.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Morgain and Gaze like this.
  13. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
    Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Threads:
    323
    Messages:
    10,047
    Featured Threads:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5,631
    Trophy Points:
    1,102
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Australia
    MBTI:
    INTJ - A
    Enneagram:
    10000
    I think that the feeling of not fitting in is just a personality trait for many INFJs including myself.
     
  14. Poetic Justice

    Donor

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2008
    Threads:
    70
    Messages:
    2,916
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    562
    Trophy Points:
    657
    MBTI:
    INTP
    Enneagram:
    5
    You will always be yourself. Do you want to be the you who fits in or the you who doesn't?

    I really don't like the saying "just be yourself" as it has no meaning whatsoever. We are all different people at different times in different situations.

    If you only have one way of behaving then you are never going to get anywhere. There is nothing wrong with adapting to the situation. It is in fact an essential part on communicating.

    I say learn to communicate, learn to adapt. Don't let yourself be labelled a misfit and think that it is set in stone. It isn't.

    You will always be you. Learn to be the best you that you can be.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    the likes this.
  15. OP
    Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
    Donor

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2009
    Threads:
    114
    Messages:
    2,720
    Likes Received:
    466
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ again
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    so true! I do this also periodically. Whenever my "not fitting in status" becomes to overwelming, I start doubting my personality. Then I start altering my personality, feeling miserable, crying myself to sleep and then realise that I shouldn't alter myself. And then months later I forget this and do it all over again.

    I wonder if I will ever be able to not alter myself to be more in sync. Will I ever be able to bear the fact that I'm not in harmony with my environement but just be satisfied with being in sync with myself. Because it seems to be an or/or situation. I'm in sync with myself or the environement...

    but indeed, focussing on where there IS synchronicity, focussing on the good aspects and ignoring the bad ones would help.

    this is so me! I didn't know there where people other than me who do this stupid things :w::D

    thank you very much for your reply!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  16. Betteralone

    Betteralone Regular Poster

    Joined:
    May 7, 2010
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    76
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Do NOT ever change who you are (within reason)! We, as INFJ's are THE most awesome people! We are the rare and beautiful diamonds in the rough. Yes, it is very challenging to be who we are as INFJ's. You will never be happy if you try and be someone you are not. I have always felt that I do not fit in and no one understands me. So glad I found this forum! You have to accept who you are, embrace your wonderful personality and learn to love who you are. Don't try and live up to who you think you should be. Take back the power. :m139
     
    Morgain likes this.
  17. Ecton

    Ecton Community Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2010
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    894
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJr
    I do a little bit of both. Sometimes when things get rough I can get stand-offish. By actively spending more time reaching out to others with positive energy, I improve both my self-esteem and my 'fitting in'. I would never compromise who I am, but I can change how I aid the group.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2009
    Threads:
    8
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I have several haunts and all of them are before the 14th century!! It was a time when the spiritual life still carried a more primative, original meaning and intuitive intelligence, creativity, and interior freedom still was less fettered. Bringing these concepts forward, re-questioning them, and finding connections for today allows us to live in the present with the benefit of the wisdom of the past, and I think we gain much from this. In my case, these connections directly relate to major themes and intuitive connections of my life. I'd be happy to share more via pm, mostly because this is what worked for me and, like I said, it happened almost by accident as I followed my own path.

    However, I think beyond this specific example it is simply a matter of broadening the scope of the area we want/need to fit into. For example, I keep up with Formula One racing. Nobody in my immediate culture does so, but at the same time I know full well there are millions of folks around the world who do. So...do I fit in? Yup, but not around here. So I proceed, knowing full well I am not on shakey ground in the least. It is that inner shift that puts one less on the defensive....and perhaps even a little more on the offensive.

    In the same way, I have also "travelled the world" a good bit and spent a great deal of time with personal experiences of others via my work as a documentary producer/director. Those experiences, as you all no doubt know, are great for broadening one's sense of what is "normal" or "typical." So I am not solely a product of my surroundings (so I don't fit in) but I know my awarenesses are well-founded, true, and right. Again, it is this little interior shift that makes a huge difference. I am not inclined to hide away because I do not fit in...quite the opposite. Instead of being an outcast, I am simply "quirky and entertaining" (or so I am told), which is fine inasmuch as I think others derive some inspiration to think outside the box a bit for themselves, too...to explore and define themselves beyond the constraints of the pop culture norms we live in the midst of.
     
  19. OP
    Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
    Donor

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2009
    Threads:
    114
    Messages:
    2,720
    Likes Received:
    466
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ again
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    yes you always adapt yourself within the scope of who you are to be able to communicate with others and I do that all the time. But if that doesn't work and I still am an outsider, and I have to make major changes in myself, have to pretent to be someone else to be accepted. That makes me feel sick inside. And then I ask myself the question: "what is more beneficial: changing myself to be accepted but feeling sick inside, or accepting who I am but feeling not accepted?"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  20. OP
    Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
    Donor

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2009
    Threads:
    114
    Messages:
    2,720
    Likes Received:
    466
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ again
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    yes I think you are on something here! this interior shift you are talking about has much to do with self-esteem. You feel comfortable with who you are and know deeply that other ways of living your life are as valuable as the ones of the people in your surroundings. So therefore you don't care much about what the people around you think of you and so you don't care much about whether you fit in or not. And that is exactly why other people like you/find inspiration with you. Because you don't hide yourself or question yourself, right?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
Loading...

Share This Page