I think this feeling of not fitting in, for me, is connected to my self esteem. Today my terrible coworker treated me again like I didn't exist, like I wasn't physically present in the room, like my voice has no sound at all. This made my self esteem drop so tremendously. And after that I saw more and more signals from my other coworkers that I didn't matter, didn't exist, was undesirable, to little to be noticed. Again I felt like I didn't fit in here at all and I had the great desire to change that. To change myself to act differently to fit in more.
It seems that my self esteem is a barometer to how well I feel that I fit in. Or better, how much it bothers me to not fit in...
I very much understand, Morgain. I could have written that exact experience of the day at many times in my life.
Just yesterday I was contemplating the ways in which my personality style is not in sync with my workplace environment. My first instinct is to assume my style is insufficient and needs to be changed. But then after a few moments of contemplation, I realized if I were actually to change, then I wouldn't be better, just something else, and most likely out of sync with a different set of people.
If one is predisposed to notice those out-of-sync places, I don't think they will ever actually feel they fit in anywhere. I think infjs might be particularly sensitive to that feeling of being out of harmony with the environment, and to feeling pained by it. I get the sense you and I tend to experience that pain as a personal pain originating from lower self-esteem. I'm not sure it would manifest similarly for everyone, but I think many experience the pain. Some seem to experience the pain, but focus it outward as anger at the environment instead of self-disappointment. I'm not immune to this side of the expression either.
I don't actually know the solution, but maybe understanding the no-win dynamics of that desire to not be out-of-sync with our environment is helpful. Thing is, I know I've periodically come to that understanding many times in my life since I've been a little child. I've then regularly lost that understanding again, going through repeated painful cycles of beating myself up for not being the "right" kind of personality because awareness of being mismatched to a significant degree with my environment rises up and takes over again.
It may be one of our never-ending battles.
to answer your question: not fitting in is not something you have to or should accept, imo. either change your perspective to see how you actually do fit in (usually possible), or change yourself to adapt to your environment. alternatively, you could change your environment to be more compatible to your natural self. everyone wants to fit in, it's probably one of our most basic psychological needs, and our sensitivity to cues that we don't fit in are probably a reflection of how important it is to our mental health. listen to those cues, they're there for a reason.
I agree that these may be the available options.
1) change the perspective - find and focus on where there is synchronicity with your environment. I know people who are like this. They are often called optimists. They confuse me. Yet I admire them and I am still on the hunt to acquire their knowledge.
2) change yourself to adapt to your environment - that's often been my choice. I figure out what the environment expects, assess myself to see where I'm lacking, and then set out on "self-improvement". However, as mentioned above, I've realized that every environment has a different set of expectations and this approach eventually led to a very fractured sense of self because I needed to be a different aspect of self in every environment. I felt there was no one and no where I could just be the cohesive expression of me. It was the time I spent with INFPs that led me to decide, "enough!". I decided to just be myself and deal with the pain of not fitting in. It's an easier thing to decide than it is to actually accomplish and bear the results of.
3) change your environment - I suppose this could be to actually stay put and orchestrate others around you to change, but this seems to demand a degree of Te I wouldn't know how (or maybe even want) to access. This option is another favorite of mine, but it takes the form of "run away" for me. I don't know. In the short term it kind of works. In the long run, as mentioned, I never fit in anywhere, so at some point you've just got to stop trying to find somewhere you fit (because you won't) and figure out how to be at peace with where you are. So, back to option #1.
