Need opinions!

[SpoofyMcPoof]

I am a bit confused about this situation, so I wanted some different insights and opinions.

I recently broke up with my ESTP boyfriend of six months. I suggested it and he agreed, so it was fairly mutual. We both looked at it from a logical standpoint; we fight all the time, we have so much trouble with communication that it's like we speak different languages, and recently that frustrated him so much that he broke a thick glass pot top over a pot of food and this prompted me to make a decision. It was a very hot day (about 100) with an upstairs apartment and he hasn't been getting enough sleep but still I don't abide violence. He also is very needy and since he does not have good friends (his old friends do drugs and he has been clean for years now) nor family he can talk to I had to play the part of all these and it wore me out very quickly.

The thing is we both still love each other, so our hearts don't want to break up. Much of the time he is very sweet and romantic. In other ways we work; he's very good at lifting my spirits, we make a good team when we can work together. We have the same faith and goals (me a teacher and he a principal) and he knows how to make me feel appreciated and loved.

So the question is do we stay apart or do we take a break and then come back together. I need opinions. Obviously if the answer the the latter then we have to figure out how to fix the existing problems. Agh.

 

[bamf]

I am a bit confused about this situation, so I wanted some different insights and opinions.

I recently broke up with my ESTP boyfriend of six months. I suggested it and he agreed, so it was fairly mutual. We both looked at it from a logical standpoint; we fight all the time, we have so much trouble with communication that it's like we speak different languages, and recently that frustrated him so much that he broke a thick glass pot top over a pot of food and this prompted me to make a decision. It was a very hot day (about 100) with an upstairs apartment and he hasn't been getting enough sleep but still I don't abide violence. He also is very needy and since he does not have good friends (his old friends do drugs and he has been clean for years now) nor family he can talk to I had to play the part of all these and it wore me out very quickly.

The thing is we both still love each other, so our hearts don't want to break up. Much of the time he is very sweet and romantic. In other ways we work; he's very good at lifting my spirits, we make a good team when we can work together. We have the same faith and goals (me a teacher and he a principal) and he knows how to make me feel appreciated and loved.

So the question is do we stay apart or do we take a break and then come back together. I need opinions. Obviously if the answer the the latter then we have to figure out how to fix the existing problems. Agh.

I'm no expert so I won't pretend to be.

1. Are you living together? (the comment on the broken dishes in the apartment made me think so) If so, it definitely sounds like you guys need some space from each other. If financially possible, I'd recommend switching up the living arrangements.

2. It sounds like you guys really do love each other and personally I think it would be a shame to give up on this so quickly. If you honestly think you love him, and he does you, you both should take some time and try to work through this. Having very honest discussions with each other about what you are experiencing trouble wise in the relationship and what you expect out of it would be a start. He also sounds like he could benefit from some sort of counseling or a support group. He needs someone to share and discuss things with but it also isn't fair to have it all dumped on you.

3. Maybe even a form of couples counseling or free discussion/support groups would be beneficiary?

 

[mintsoda]

Does he see the problem with the physical nature of his anger? If he does and is willing to seek some professional guidance, I would encourage it.

I think you were wise to distance yourself. Even if you are open to possibly getting back together in the future, I wouldn't suggest as much to him. He needs to find ways to fill the missing pieces of his life (good friends and counselors) on his own...not simply so that you will get back together with him. If he sorts it out? Great! You can determine whether you're both still interested in a romantic relationship.

 

[Hinsoog]

Whew, while I can relate to the satisfying feeling of being loved and appreciated(I know I enjoy the way an ESTP that I am close to dotes over me), I just don't see any reason to tolerate those sorts of physically threatening outbursts at all. It looks like it is directed to you just enough to show me that their instability is just not worth it. So, in my opinion, after actions like those, to me the message would be clear to start the detachment process. I just can't stand thinking about people who are supposed to be in a close relationship with someone being physically threatening for any reason.

I would not only begin detaching myself, but I would soon be convinced that the person is not even worth forgiving......

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

I'm no expert so I won't pretend to be.

1. Are you living together?

Nope, thankfully. That makes it easier.

He also sounds like he could benefit from some sort of counseling or a support group. He needs someone to share and discuss things with but it also isn't fair to have it all dumped on you.

3. Maybe even a form of couples counseling or free discussion/support groups would be beneficiary?

He is currently getting counseling, but it's a slow process

Does he see the problem with the physical nature of his anger? If he does and is willing to seek some professional guidance, I would encourage it.

He does see a problem with it, and is getting help

I think you were wise to distance yourself. Even if you are open to possibly getting back together in the future, I wouldn't suggest as much to him. He needs to find ways to fill the missing pieces of his life (good friends and counselors) on his own...not simply so that you will get back together with him. If he sorts it out? Great! You can determine whether you're both still interested in a romantic relationship.

This is what I was thinking. It's the feelings that get in the way. You know how it is (Stupid feelings arg)

 

[bamf]

Was this outburst a one time deal or does he have these violent outbursts often?

If it was once, I say forgive and forget. Everyone looses their cool everyone once in a while. Did it blow it big time? Oh yeah, but if it's just once I don't see it as any sign.

If it's reoccurring or happens even one more time, like everyone else said, time to start detaching.

Also, a relationship is a two-way street so if you're serious about giving it a shot, I think some form of mutual relationship counseling or support group should be something to consider. I highly doubt weather all of the relationship problems stem from him alone...(and I don't mean that to be offensive)

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

Was this outburst a one time deal or does he have these violent outbursts often?

Just once. He's gotten angry in the past but usually takes a cool down break and is able to calm down.

Also, a relationship is a two-way street so if you're serious about giving it a shot, I think some form of mutual relationship counseling or support group should be something to consider. I highly doubt weather all of the relationship problems stem from him alone...(and I don't mean that to be offensive)

My biggest problem is I distance myself when I get overwhelmed - which is often.

 

[bamf]

I don't know what to tell ya, personally I think it would be worth the time to at least considering working through this, but it's your life and only you know what's best!

 

[slant]

You need to figure out what to do, by yourself.

But here's what I do when I have situations like this.

I asses the situation. I figure out what the source of the problem is- If I can't find the source of the problem, then I have to sort that out first before I move on. It may take a while. You may not even know the real source of the problems until much later when you are able to completely analyze from a fairly objective point of view. When I am under large quantities of stress I tend to become incapable of making rational decisions unless I take a few steps back and figure things out.

Most of the time I have found that if I end a friendship with someone, the friendship is over. I will have occasional thoughts 'Hmm, maybe I should talk to he/she again, they were fun' but I soon figure out that the same problems occur if I resume a friendship and have not resolved the previous issues.

Most of the time, issues with people is due to incompatibility rather than deliberate misconduct on both sides. Sure, if two people want to have a successful relationship they must work at it, but if the scenario is spinning out of your hands to the point where you have broken it off, something is wrong that couldn't be resolved. And this is your judgement; why would you break something off unless you thought it needed to be that way?

Wait and think about it. I think you will find your answer.

 

[Shai Gar]

physical violence? you're considering staying with him?

well i've made my opinion of that type of woman abundantly clear.

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

physical violence? you're considering staying with him?

well i've made my opinion of that type of woman abundantly clear.

"that type of woman"? *sigh* he hasn't done anything to me nor would he ever hurt me. If he did I'd cut his balls off, and leave him. As it stands he broke something out of frustration once. Everyone at some point in their life does that. If he did it again soon it would be a pattern and I would have no qualms leaving him.

 

[Eniko]

If he's actually getting help and acknowledging there's a problem in his life then I say stay broken up with him (you had reasons to, nothing has objectively changed between then and now that would make things immediately better) but stick around to see how it works out. If he actually starts improving things then you can reassess.

 

[Nausus]

I agree with Eniko. Stand back and see what happens. See how himself as a person changes, if at all. If things move positively, then look into it.

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

physical violence? you're considering staying with him?

well i've made my opinion of that type of woman abundantly clear.

Just thought I'd reinforce the fact that shai gar is an ass for making an assumption on my character based on incomplete information. Ass.

 

[Shai Gar]

I'm an ass regardless. However you're being overly defensive.

Are you sure you're not just in denial because you like him?

 

[arbygil]

IF, is this the same person you mentioned a few months ago, that had more than a few little problems? The sexual deviancy thing? If so, well...I'm not so sure you should stick with him. I think you want to stay with him because he's comfortable (and maybe it's a little co-dependent?), but you know what the answer is. You don't like what the answer is, but you've known the answer - even before you posted the poll you knew the answer.

My personal opinion is to take a REAL break. Meaning, don't talk or communicate with each other for at least a month. It takes 30 days to break a habit, so they say. See if it helps to take a "big picture" look at the situation.

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

I'm an ass regardless. However you're being overly defensive.

Are you sure you're not just in denial because you like him?

I'm overly defensive because I hate women 'like that' and I would die before I would be one of them. So implying that I would be one of them is akin to telling me I'm a mass murderer who only wants the death of the entire human race.

I actually don't like him that much. I just don't like making decisions I suppose.

 

[Shai Gar]

Oh. Well, now I like you.