meant to be single | INFJ Forum

meant to be single

invisible

invisible

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Sep 30, 2009
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sometimes people tell me that they believe it is not completely normal or healthy for people to exist outside of intimate or romantic relationships, that it is the human way to be, and it is the only way to be fully personally realised and resolved, to understand yourself and develop as a person. they believe that there is no other alternative way of being that can provide a person with the same richness of experience, say as of being married and producing offspring for example. freud certainly believed it. and i encounter people all the time who are asking me whether i have a partner or why not, so that i almost feel the need to justify why i am alone and not in a relationship, as a temporary rather than permanent state. well maybe this is not a transitional state for me, maybe i'm like this because it's what's best for me. it's not as though we've never heard of people who spent their lives alone, dedicating their time to a cause, or to study perhaps, or to meditation, or whatever.

maybe the maximum potential for individual personal human growth and development is only within relationships and ways of relating to other individuals in a romantic, intimate, or sexual way. or maybe that's only true for some people - maybe other people grow and develop more when they're alone, outside of relationships. perhaps the reason for what people who are "meant to be in relationships" see as being "s/he never found anyone" is actually that the single person found themselves, they were happier living with themselves, they were better off alone, "meant to be single". it was their path, the most enriching way for them to be.

these are just some ideas. does anyone else have other related ideas?
 
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well Freud was a cocaine addict. . so I think it's safe to not put toomuch stock in what he had to say about things like happy lifes. . .
there is no law that I am aware of that says you have to be married and have children to be fully alive and happy. . .
 
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Aneirin said:
well Freud was a cocaine addict. . so I think it's safe to not put toomuch stock in what he had to say about things like happy lifes. . .
there is no law that I am aware of that says you have to be married and have children to be fully alive and happy. . .
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haha @ Freud. i didn't know that. :)
 
I feel as though a majority of people jump into relationships earlier than they are prepared for. I think they are very important for personal growth, but not the 'be-all and end-all' for life.
 
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I think it's possible that someone may find they are better alone than with someone.


I am often torn because being in a relationship allows me to be a more complete and better person, and I achieve more. More peace of mind. But being alone is enticing because of independence and flexibility. You are only responsible to yourself. Although I like being single, I don't think I'm meant to be single. For a long time I was single, longer than average, but it wasn't a choice. It was just a product of my circumstances. Wasn't intentional.
 
I don't belive there is a one size fits all way of true happiness. . in fact that kind of thinking creates a great deal of human suffering. .
society tries to fit everyone into the mold. . we dont all fit. . we all have our own paths to walk. .
( and yes, I know Freud is the *father of modern psychology*, but he was a mess himself)
 
invisible said:
and i encounter people all the time who are asking me whether i have a partner or why not, so that i almost feel the need to justify why i am alone and not in a relationship
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I always say that relationships distort the bearing you have set in your life.
 
Well, I'll tell you this much - no state is perfect. Those who are single often wish to be with someone, while those who are with folks sometimes wish they were single again. It's different for everyone.

I will say this, though; you can get used to either state. If you're single and single long enough, you learn how to become a better person. You learn that your relationships are your friends and family members, and you can be just as fulfilled emotionally, mentally, and spiritually through others. Singleness is not a bad thing - it's just a different state of being and you have to learn how to be the best person you can be in that state of being. You *can* live a full life as a single adult, but you may have to learn how.

I've been single for...well, 4 decades or so. I had two long-term relationships (one two years, the other three) but ultimately neither was for me. Would I like to be in a relationship? Sure, if it's the right one. But I'm old enough (and mature enough) to pass on some that aren't quite there for me yet.

Take your time, find the right person. Don't skimp on a relationship just because you want a warm body at night. Don't find someone to complete you - complete yourself, and then find someone who allows you to be *more* of yourself with them. And find someone who shares your lifepath and goals and dreams.

Just remember, Barbie is made out of plastic for a reason. :D
 
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swing said:
I always say that relationships distort the bearing you have set in your life.
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yes i agree that is an interesting and valid way of looking at it. i value this internal compass as very important to me. but then on the other hand maybe all of the compromise that goes with relationships is a greater learning or developmental experience. (not sure. just thinking.)
 
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It's okay to be single. Likewise, I think it's okay to *choose* to be single. Our society has a preoccupation with partnerships. It's hard for many people to conceive difference, I think. So if they're the affilitaive type, it might be hard for them to fathom genuinely enjoying singledom. And perhaps they're not ready to think outside of the box about it. In that sense, singledom tends to be perceived as a "just haven't found someone, yet". Never mind that perhaps not everyone may want or be ready for a relationship, that some people should probably grow by themselves before they seek to share their life with another. Sure, some people grow through relationships; maybe some people grow through singledom. Maybe some people don't require the kind of growth that relationships foster. And this is not written in stone... what holds true at one point in time may eventually change. But either option is okay and neither option is best except the one that is best for you right there and then.

So I don't believe relationships are for everyone. Very little in life is for everyone, except maybe oxygen. ;) The more important thing is to know oneself and to live life fully, to fully inhabit your life and yourself, and to be the best you that you can be. The value in that is undeniable. And for those people who "are meant to" be in a relationship, living that way is the best way through which to arrive at that state where they meet someone and form a bond that gets carried out in the form of a relationship, I think. But either way, it doesn't really matter, other things are more important -- and this comes from someone who is currently single and wishes to be in a relationship/hopes to be in one in the near future.
 
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i really enjoyed being single after twenty years of marriage. mind you i didn't know how the dating thing worked anymore. things changed a lot in two decades!
i am once again in a live in relationship, but if it came to be that he was no longer in my life for whatever reason i know i would not pursue another one.
 
Insert witty comment here.

No. Really, I think it is unhealthy to think that in order to be complete and to lead a rich and full life one must be in an intimate relationship. There are many benefits to living a single life, none of which I feel like listing here right now - you listed a lot of them in your OP. I also think that in order to be successful and truly happy in an intimate connection, you must first feel complete in your singleness - doesn't happen a lot nowadays as Matt3737 mentioned. There are many ways to arrive at the same destination - a rich and fulfilled life.
 
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Well, technically, there is only one way to be....yourself.

Living single with no worries about WTF anybody thinks. Hum....I haven't gotten the "she must be gay, that is why she doesn't have a man" rumors swimming around right now....I am sure that will cycle around sometime soon. :D
 
There is no single prescription for happiness. You have to find your own way in life, what is right for you. Too many people want to tell others how to live. This is bad when individuals do it but much worse when politicians do it. Diversity leads to tolerance, which leads to stability in society and happiness for a greater number of people.
 
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Matt3737 said:
I feel as though a majority of people jump into relationships earlier than they are prepared for. I think they are very important for personal growth, but not the 'be-all and end-all' for life.
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I would argue that spending years getting to know yourself spiritually is even MORE important for personal growth, and one ought not enter into a relationship before having done so. You can save yourself, and others much pain, by taking some time out for yourself. Much better than figuring yourself out within the constrains of a relationship.
 
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purplecrayons said:
I would argue that spending years getting to know yourself spiritually is even MORE important for personal growth, and one ought not enter into a relationship before having done so. You can save yourself, and others much pain, by taking some time out for yourself. Much better than figuring yourself out within the constrains of a relationship.
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I believe it's the wisest thing to do. *facebook like*

Edit: Btw being single is nice and all but in the future I want to be with someone, working together for a greater cause! Saving lives! :D
 
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