Letting people back in | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Letting people back in

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Scientia, Apr 27, 2016.

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  1. Persona

    Persona Community Member

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    To answer the thread, I've never really door-slammed anyone. I'll fade away for weeks, months, maybe years, if someone has wronged me, but I'll always have that connection still present. I understand every negative or position decision everyone makes and I'm okay with that. Although I'll be very wary of my ongoing trust level with that person. I'll play my cards wiser making sure I'm 3 steps ahead just in case something inflicting decides to happen again. I wouldn't say I was generally happy letting someone back in, but I was seemingly satisfied to continue the ongoing loyalty & bond we had.
     
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  2. Misadventure

    Misadventure butt fros and asian purrs

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    I really do admire your courage for saying the things no one else does (but we all know!), and not just with this topic, but with everything. :D

    It really is disturbing, isn't it? It's not easy though, it may seem like it is because of how abruptly Fi can do it, but it is extremely difficult and only done out of self-preservation. That's the thing with Fi, we are very protective of ourselves, wheres most of you Fe's out there are more of the risk-takers with the heart and self-sacrificing in the name of friendship or loveship. Fe is selfless, Fi is selfish. And no one get their panties in a bunch about me using the term 'selfish'! For one, it's true. And two, I mean it in a sense that it is the opposite of selfless and self-sacrificing, it's self-preservation.
     
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  3. Artisan

    Artisan Dares, Dreams, Does

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    With me there's a freaking fortress wall, it requires some serious C4 or some serious wall climbing skills all the way to an unlatched window.
     
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  4. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    Actually, it's not a romantic relationship but a parental one. I agree with what you said about patterns of behavior. The person is my mother. She has changed and so have I but that would not have happened if I had kept going as things were. It wasn't a total doorslam but more like a fade because we still had contact but it was minimal.
     
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  5. Persona

    Persona Community Member

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    Very.. Very..! Selfish :) Haha.
     
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  6. Siimplicity

    Siimplicity Catch sight

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    and a really mean doggie...

    maxresdefault.jpg
     
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  7. Artisan

    Artisan Dares, Dreams, Does

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    I've kinda done the same involving my mom. we send a voice manage back and forth via whatsapp about once every month, I sleep over one night each summer and see her with Xmas at her place and I see her at the birthdays of my siblings. It sucks a bit because I know the lack of contact is on my side, it's just that I really drain all the way out just sending her a voice message on whatsapp every month or so to the point where I need a full day to recharge after doing so... But I cannot simply completely doorslam her, she is biologically speaking my mother after all.
     
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  8. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    Yup. That was how it was with me, too. I understand the drained feeling as well. I couldn't totally doorslam my mother, either. It took years but she is trying her best now to have a different relationship with me and it's been good so far. I think the years of minimal contact actually helped in the long run.
     
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  9. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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    mhmm ;)


    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Tin Man

    Tin Man "a respectable amount of screaming"

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    Yeah, dyslexia sucks. For example I read the above sentence as.

    "Letting nigge-"

    I'll see myself out
     
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  11. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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    That's nigglexia, u FOOL

    BTW ur racist c:
    The police will escort you out.
     
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  12. #@&5&49

    #@&5&49 Well-known member

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    These days I haven't found much reason to completely remove anyone from my life. I just change the level of closeness.
     
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  13. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I'm usually willing to let people back in. It probably has something to do with the fact that my dad was insane throughout my childhood (still kind of is, but maybe old age had mellowed him a bit), but I loved him anyway and always tried to have a relationship with him. I can forgive a lot. I have one friend that I haven't talked to in 3 years. I just stopped because of the way she treated me. There was no fight, I just stopped calling and she didn't call. I heard through mutual friends that she was angry at me for doing that, like I was a flake. But it's true, if someone makes you feel horrible to be around, why bother? To this day, if she were to call me, I'd still talk to her. I might be cautious about being friends again, but I would talk to her. If she had called me back then, I would have talked to her. I think that's what I was waiting for, to see that it wasn't all lopsided and she did care. For her to say, "What's going on?" And for me to say, "Stop treating me like an asshole." But it didn't happen. Maybe that's being passive aggressive. I was just tired of putting in all the effort. Boohoo.
     
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    #33 acd, Apr 28, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2016
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  14. KorJax

    KorJax Community Member

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    The optimist in me thinks that second chances always can happen.

    The realist recognizes that if you had to shut someone out, you had to do it for a good reason, and that a LOT of INFJ's I've read online who have tried to reconnected had it end in disaster.

    So I don't really know. I don't see why it wouldn't be possible. A lot of why I shut people out is simply a time and place thing with my maturity and where I'm at in life.

    I guess I've kind of reconnected with my mother. But only sort of. Stopped talking to her for years because of her being a narcissist, her suing my dad for alimony (who had supported me way more than she did), and for me just not really connecting with her well ever. But we've held slightly more contact recently. I try to keep it to a minimum, on a "go out to dinner once a month" sort of thing. Call it my duty as a son to forgive or whatever. I don't like the things she did but I know she's not an "evil" person and is someone who has a lot of genuine hurt going on in her life.

    If I reconnect I have to know its for the right reasons. I can't do it because I want to rekindle a lost love or a crush, or lost feelings of deep friendship. If I do that, then I'm only reconnecting because I'm still clinging to the past, clinging to an ideal. But I am more open to it if I've moved on fully and want to reconnect because I recognize that I lost a valuable connection. That there were a lot of good things in that connection that were simply drowned under my feelings or my idealization, or any negative events that happened.

    There was someone that I pushed out of my life earlier this year that I've pondered this question about. I have a desire to reconnect but right now it is partly for the wrong reasons. So maybe I need more time, or maybe I decide he's out of my life for good. I didn't door slam him by the way, it was a mutual discussion about establishing distance. So that helps. But I do miss being able to talk to someone like him, being able to relate to someone like him, outside of my emotional desires to rekindle a flame.
     
    #34 KorJax, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
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  15. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    I doorslam big-time.

    It isn't especially deliberate/conscious, but once trust goes into the red, it is almost impossible for it to return to the black. [MENTION=5511]ruji[/MENTION] no pun.
     
  16. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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    I understand



    [video=youtube;kqa-HYihaZo]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqa-HYihaZo[/video]

    found [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION]
     
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    #36 ruji, May 2, 2016
    Last edited: May 2, 2016
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  17. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Omg she is amazing.
     
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  18. sassafras

    sassafras the devil wears nada

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    Can't say I really door slammed anyone either. Just... kind of distanced myself.

    That being said, I usually have a problem with keeping people out. At least, the wrong kind of people. The good people that I've stopped talking to and who actually deserve second chances tend to respect my space and because they're not there, I forget about them. The bad... well they're usually more persistent and pop up more often and I make the mistake of making peace with them against my better judgment.

    I need a better people filter.
     
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  19. Sriracha

    Sriracha Not here.
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    I doorslam. It probably happens more in my life now than before b/c I realize I have to advocate for myself and protect my emotions. One particular friend was engaging in behaviors in which I did not agree, enough that I had to remove myself from being friends with her. It was a doorslam, b/c she did something that hurt me deeply, and then claimed it was only a misunderstanding on my part. We didn't talk for a year. I thought about her often and decided to reach out to her. She was glad that I did and we talked about what happened. We still are at odds with our own opinion. Needless to say, it took the willingness to forgive her and also forgive myself in order to let it go. We are friends again, but it will never be what it was. There is trust, but only to a certain degree.
     
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  20. #@&5&49

    #@&5&49 Well-known member

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    Thats a filter right there.
     
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