Letting people back in | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Letting people back in

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Scientia, Apr 27, 2016.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
More threads by Scientia
  1. Persona

    Persona Community Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2015
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    335
    Likes Received:
    96
    Trophy Points:
    562
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w9
    To answer the thread, I've never really door-slammed anyone. I'll fade away for weeks, months, maybe years, if someone has wronged me, but I'll always have that connection still present. I understand every negative or position decision everyone makes and I'm okay with that. Although I'll be very wary of my ongoing trust level with that person. I'll play my cards wiser making sure I'm 3 steps ahead just in case something inflicting decides to happen again. I wouldn't say I was generally happy letting someone back in, but I was seemingly satisfied to continue the ongoing loyalty & bond we had.
     
    Free likes this.
  2. Misadventure

    Misadventure butt fros and asian purrs

    Joined:
    May 16, 2015
    Threads:
    28
    Messages:
    2,676
    Featured Threads:
    6
    Likes Received:
    9,113
    Trophy Points:
    1,166
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    West Coast
    MBTI:
    INFP
    I really do admire your courage for saying the things no one else does (but we all know!), and not just with this topic, but with everything. :D

    It really is disturbing, isn't it? It's not easy though, it may seem like it is because of how abruptly Fi can do it, but it is extremely difficult and only done out of self-preservation. That's the thing with Fi, we are very protective of ourselves, wheres most of you Fe's out there are more of the risk-takers with the heart and self-sacrificing in the name of friendship or loveship. Fe is selfless, Fi is selfish. And no one get their panties in a bunch about me using the term 'selfish'! For one, it's true. And two, I mean it in a sense that it is the opposite of selfless and self-sacrificing, it's self-preservation.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Free likes this.
  3. Artisan

    Artisan Dares, Dreams, Does

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Threads:
    40
    Messages:
    1,614
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    714
    Trophy Points:
    672
    MBTI:
    INFJ-A
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    With me there's a freaking fortress wall, it requires some serious C4 or some serious wall climbing skills all the way to an unlatched window.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Jonah Caan and Free like this.
  4. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2014
    Threads:
    53
    Messages:
    2,993
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    6,345
    Trophy Points:
    902
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Actually, it's not a romantic relationship but a parental one. I agree with what you said about patterns of behavior. The person is my mother. She has changed and so have I but that would not have happened if I had kept going as things were. It wasn't a total doorslam but more like a fade because we still had contact but it was minimal.
     
    Free and PintoBean like this.
  5. Persona

    Persona Community Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2015
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    335
    Likes Received:
    96
    Trophy Points:
    562
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    1w9
    Very.. Very..! Selfish :) Haha.
     
    Jonah Caan, Free and Misadventure like this.
  6. Siimplicity

    Siimplicity Catch sight

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2015
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    1,979
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3,986
    Trophy Points:
    997
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Swamplandia
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    and a really mean doggie...

    maxresdefault.jpg
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Free likes this.
  7. Artisan

    Artisan Dares, Dreams, Does

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Threads:
    40
    Messages:
    1,614
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    714
    Trophy Points:
    672
    MBTI:
    INFJ-A
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    I've kinda done the same involving my mom. we send a voice manage back and forth via whatsapp about once every month, I sleep over one night each summer and see her with Xmas at her place and I see her at the birthdays of my siblings. It sucks a bit because I know the lack of contact is on my side, it's just that I really drain all the way out just sending her a voice message on whatsapp every month or so to the point where I need a full day to recharge after doing so... But I cannot simply completely doorslam her, she is biologically speaking my mother after all.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Free, PintoBean and Siimplicity like this.
  8. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2014
    Threads:
    53
    Messages:
    2,993
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    6,345
    Trophy Points:
    902
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Yup. That was how it was with me, too. I understand the drained feeling as well. I couldn't totally doorslam my mother, either. It took years but she is trying her best now to have a different relationship with me and it's been good so far. I think the years of minimal contact actually helped in the long run.
     
    Free and aeon like this.
  9. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    15,005
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    40,946
    Trophy Points:
    2,427
    MBTI:
    xxxx
    mhmm ;)


    [​IMG]
     
    Free, Artisan and Scientia like this.
  10. Tin Man

    Tin Man "a respectable amount of screaming"

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2012
    Threads:
    27
    Messages:
    4,206
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    6,778
    Trophy Points:
    969
    Location:
    Right behind you...
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    N
    Yeah, dyslexia sucks. For example I read the above sentence as.

    "Letting nigge-"

    I'll see myself out
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Free and Artisan like this.
  11. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    15,005
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    40,946
    Trophy Points:
    2,427
    MBTI:
    xxxx
    That's nigglexia, u FOOL

    BTW ur racist c:
    The police will escort you out.
     
    Free and Tin Man like this.
  12. #@&5&49

    #@&5&49 Well-known member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2012
    Threads:
    91
    Messages:
    4,278
    Featured Threads:
    7
    Likes Received:
    3,136
    Trophy Points:
    912
    MBTI:
    Inf?
    These days I haven't found much reason to completely remove anyone from my life. I just change the level of closeness.
     
    Free likes this.
  13. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    133
    Messages:
    12,770
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    16,565
    Trophy Points:
    1,227
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    I'm usually willing to let people back in. It probably has something to do with the fact that my dad was insane throughout my childhood (still kind of is, but maybe old age had mellowed him a bit), but I loved him anyway and always tried to have a relationship with him. I can forgive a lot. I have one friend that I haven't talked to in 3 years. I just stopped because of the way she treated me. There was no fight, I just stopped calling and she didn't call. I heard through mutual friends that she was angry at me for doing that, like I was a flake. But it's true, if someone makes you feel horrible to be around, why bother? To this day, if she were to call me, I'd still talk to her. I might be cautious about being friends again, but I would talk to her. If she had called me back then, I would have talked to her. I think that's what I was waiting for, to see that it wasn't all lopsided and she did care. For her to say, "What's going on?" And for me to say, "Stop treating me like an asshole." But it didn't happen. Maybe that's being passive aggressive. I was just tired of putting in all the effort. Boohoo.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #33 acd, Apr 28, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2016
    Free and aeon like this.
  14. KorJax

    KorJax Community Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2010
    Threads:
    8
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    51
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    ?
    The optimist in me thinks that second chances always can happen.

    The realist recognizes that if you had to shut someone out, you had to do it for a good reason, and that a LOT of INFJ's I've read online who have tried to reconnected had it end in disaster.

    So I don't really know. I don't see why it wouldn't be possible. A lot of why I shut people out is simply a time and place thing with my maturity and where I'm at in life.

    I guess I've kind of reconnected with my mother. But only sort of. Stopped talking to her for years because of her being a narcissist, her suing my dad for alimony (who had supported me way more than she did), and for me just not really connecting with her well ever. But we've held slightly more contact recently. I try to keep it to a minimum, on a "go out to dinner once a month" sort of thing. Call it my duty as a son to forgive or whatever. I don't like the things she did but I know she's not an "evil" person and is someone who has a lot of genuine hurt going on in her life.

    If I reconnect I have to know its for the right reasons. I can't do it because I want to rekindle a lost love or a crush, or lost feelings of deep friendship. If I do that, then I'm only reconnecting because I'm still clinging to the past, clinging to an ideal. But I am more open to it if I've moved on fully and want to reconnect because I recognize that I lost a valuable connection. That there were a lot of good things in that connection that were simply drowned under my feelings or my idealization, or any negative events that happened.

    There was someone that I pushed out of my life earlier this year that I've pondered this question about. I have a desire to reconnect but right now it is partly for the wrong reasons. So maybe I need more time, or maybe I decide he's out of my life for good. I didn't door slam him by the way, it was a mutual discussion about establishing distance. So that helps. But I do miss being able to talk to someone like him, being able to relate to someone like him, outside of my emotional desires to rekindle a flame.
     
    #34 KorJax, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
    Free likes this.
  15. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
    Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Threads:
    323
    Messages:
    10,047
    Featured Threads:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5,574
    Trophy Points:
    1,102
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Australia
    MBTI:
    INTJ - A
    Enneagram:
    10000
    I doorslam big-time.

    It isn't especially deliberate/conscious, but once trust goes into the red, it is almost impossible for it to return to the black. [MENTION=5511]ruji[/MENTION] no pun.
     
  16. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    15,005
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    40,946
    Trophy Points:
    2,427
    MBTI:
    xxxx
    I understand



    [video=youtube;kqa-HYihaZo]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqa-HYihaZo[/video]

    found [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION]
     
    #36 dwr46y, May 2, 2016
    Last edited: May 2, 2016
    Free, Siimplicity and Rcs6r like this.
  17. acd

    acd Well-known member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Threads:
    133
    Messages:
    12,770
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    16,565
    Trophy Points:
    1,227
    MBTI:
    infp
    Enneagram:
    9w8 sp/sx
    Omg she is amazing.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Free and dwr46y like this.
  18. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known monster
    On Holiday

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Threads:
    172
    Messages:
    13,066
    Featured Threads:
    5
    Likes Received:
    31,627
    Trophy Points:
    1,876
    MBTI:
    .
    Can't say I really door slammed anyone either. Just... kind of distanced myself.

    That being said, I usually have a problem with keeping people out. At least, the wrong kind of people. The good people that I've stopped talking to and who actually deserve second chances tend to respect my space and because they're not there, I forget about them. The bad... well they're usually more persistent and pop up more often and I make the mistake of making peace with them against my better judgment.

    I need a better people filter.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Free likes this.
  19. Sriracha

    Sriracha Not here.
    Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2011
    Threads:
    98
    Messages:
    3,459
    Likes Received:
    1,905
    Trophy Points:
    375
    MBTI:
    ISFJ
    I doorslam. It probably happens more in my life now than before b/c I realize I have to advocate for myself and protect my emotions. One particular friend was engaging in behaviors in which I did not agree, enough that I had to remove myself from being friends with her. It was a doorslam, b/c she did something that hurt me deeply, and then claimed it was only a misunderstanding on my part. We didn't talk for a year. I thought about her often and decided to reach out to her. She was glad that I did and we talked about what happened. We still are at odds with our own opinion. Needless to say, it took the willingness to forgive her and also forgive myself in order to let it go. We are friends again, but it will never be what it was. There is trust, but only to a certain degree.
     
    Free likes this.
  20. #@&5&49

    #@&5&49 Well-known member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2012
    Threads:
    91
    Messages:
    4,278
    Featured Threads:
    7
    Likes Received:
    3,136
    Trophy Points:
    912
    MBTI:
    Inf?
    Thats a filter right there.
     
    Free likes this.
Loading...

Share This Page