Letting people back in

Scientia

Scientia

A true lady
MBTI
INFJ
Many of us have removed people who have wronged us from our lives. Some call it a doorslam, others say it is a gradual fade of the person from our inner circle. When we do this, is the person always gone for good?

Have you ever let someone you removed from your life who had done something terrible to you back into your life? What changed your mind? Were you happy that you let the person come back? Was there trust again? Did the person hurt you again?
 
Very good question. I tried and it didn't work out. I'd elaborate, but it's a fairly painful topic for me. It seems the door cannot be unslammed in my case.
EDIT: And that the un-door-slamming (there's got to be German word for that) didn't work out, wasn't all my choice. I think the adage goes something like "You can walk out of someone's life, but don't expect to be let back in."
 
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I've never yet been a door slammer, (never having the need for such sudden acquittal, or at least hesitated when I should have done so) but I've had the door slowly shut on me many times. I have however slowly drifted away from many people, due to change in circumstance (which is not so much connected to this thread) and due to my wanting to distance myself from someone/s. Perhaps it's a door shut, rather than a dramatic door slam.

The door slam/shut can often (i.e. sometimes but not always) be very much warranted. I think it's necessary and healthy to door slam when justified, but this doesn't mean that person has to be 'gone for good' from our hearts. That is, one can door slam and still forgive the other person, and love them as a human being 'carrying them in one's heart', but without 'letting them back into' one's social life.

I've forgiven certain people for very hurtful things that they've done to me, yet I know they never did and possibly never will feel sorry. Thus whilst keeping the 'door' to my social and relational life shut to such people, as the healthy and reasonable thing to do, I try and keep the door of my heart open to them by choosing to forgive them in my heart and by letting go of resentments. In this way I'm freed of the hurt holding onto such resentments cause, and don't end up closing my heart to other people and their love. For when I did hold unto such resentments I rolled my heart up like a porcupine in guard and defense, thus shutting out others unwittingly, and in case they too hurt me.

Still, I have let in someone who I gradually shut the door on; it just took time, inner healing, and -to speak metaphorically - I ensure to let them in not into the heart of my house, but just as far as the front room - for my sake and their sake. But I'm sure depending on who, and the what, one could fully let someone back in to their lives. Yet I imagine this process, if it is possible and manageable, takes a long time.
 
I am a master door slammer. I do not forgive and forget. If you cross the line with me you are out of my life for good unless we are related. Life is too short for toxic relationships. I like being alone. If socializing makes me feel badly then I simply won't see that person again. Why bother? I strive to surround myself with people who are capable of being respectful. That's all. If you treat me like garbage, don't let the door hit you on the way out of my life. Door slamming is not a loss for me, but a gain. Have a good life. We are done. Try it. It can be empowering and fun.
 
Coming from experience, doorslamming is a commonly installed feature for INFPs :) A person who operates under Fi, discovers that she feels bad when being around you, makes an internal decision - and BAM, off you go. No courtesy, not even an explanation is given. Witnessed that multiple times. An iconic INFP movie "Into the wild" portrays this feature quite well.

In contrast, for Fe users breaking a relationship is one of the hardest things in life. They hesitate, they fret, they try to explain to themselves and to others. Sometimes it's too hard and they let toxic relationships continue far longer than they should have. Amelie, the most famous INFJ character in movies ("Amelie from Montmartre"), filled her life with all sorts of strange relationships and never broke a single one of them.

As for myself, there was only a single occasion when I had shut people off. It was for a serious reason and they knew very well why they had got it. And no, they are never coming back.
 
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invisible said:
Tremendous pressure from my family to reconcile with my father, wish I just did not have to bother, after 7 years no contact I hardly even remember him, could happily go throughout all my life without ever really thinking of him again.
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Takes small pipe out of his hand and tosses it into the river...
 
invisible said:
Tremendous pressure from my family to reconcile with my father, wish I just did not have to bother, after 7 years no contact I hardly even remember him, could happily go throughout all my life without ever really thinking of him again.
Click to expand...
Takes small pipe out of his hand and tosses it into the river...
 
Scientia said:
Many of us have removed people who have wronged us from our lives. Some call it a doorslam, others say it is a gradual fade of the person from our inner circle. When we do this, is the person always gone for good?

Have you ever let someone you removed from your life who had done something terrible to you back into your life? What changed your mind? Were you happy that you let the person come back? Was there trust again? Did the person hurt you again?
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If we're smart about it, yes. Keep 'em out.

I've let people back in several times, I only kept being proven that I was right in doorslaming them.
 
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I don't have the "door slamming" trait. At least, I don't think I do. I have a bad habit of lingering in toxic relationships. I am full of explanations if things go wrong. I hate ambiguity. There was one time that I remember where I was so mad at my "boyfriend" (weren't officially together - an example of lingering in toxicity!) that I ended it abruptly and slept with someone else to seal the deal. Was that a door slam? It didn't end there, however.
 
I tend to just move on. There have been people I have let go of in my life (either severely or gradually over time), and I'm fine just leaving the door closed.

I have a hard time believing I could hold so much animosity towards someone I'd never speak to them again. After some time if the other party wanted to talk, catch up, know what happened, gain some closure, etc I'd be willing to.

Depending on the person/situation I could maybe get close to them again. However, in my experience it has just been easier to leave the past in the past.

I've had exes and old friends from HS reach out to me. I've grabbed a cup of coffee or have had dinner with them. Always with a little reservation and some distance. I try to make it clear throughout our interactions that I've moved on and that I'm not really interested in revisiting whatever we had.
 
I've removed several people from my life, which I'm not too proud of, to be honest. I tried to reconcile with some of them, but each time it didn't work out- not always because of me. Sometimes I feel guilty for ever slamming the door in their face since I know this caused them grief, but at the same time... it's like I don't know any better. I've lived my life absolutely fine without them so far, and at the moment I don't feel the need to contact them. This may change in the future, but I'm afraid this will (again) result me in thinking the reconciliation doesn't feel right, and thus, slam the door again.
 
Some more thoughts on the OP: I assume that you're in a situation where somebody whom you have shut out previously now tries to come back into your circle. Most probably there was some level of romance involved :)

A simple rule here - do not expect different outcome by repeating the same pattern again. In other words either you, or the other person, or both of you must have had changed somehow in order for this to work. Does he know why have you shut him out in the first place? It only counts if you have properly explained the reasons, in person. Assuming, that he knows or indirect explanation is false ground. Then think of what has changed since then? What are the facts supporting this change? It's very easy to give in to emotional pressure, so that's why we need hard facts. Or maybe it is you who have changed? What are the reasons of that person to get back with you? Again, have you asked or do you assume? By now you should be ready to make a good decision.
 
They can NOT come back in. Not ever.
once my door is slammed, it disappears. ceases to exist for that person outside.
it's a serious thing caused by grave offense. when I am done, I am done. only twice have I slammed the door but those two know who they are and why they are out.
 
Tamagochi said:
Coming from experience, doorslamming is a commonly installed feature for INFPs :) A person who operates under Fi, discovers that she feels bad when being around you, makes an internal decision - and BAM, off you go. No courtesy, not even an explanation is given. Witnessed that multiple times. An iconic INFP movie "Into the wild" portrays this feature quite well.

In contrast, for Fe users breaking a relationship is one of the hardest things in life. They hesitate, they fret, they try to explain to themselves and to others. Sometimes it's too hard and they let toxic relationships continue far longer than they should have. Amelie, the most famous INFJ character in movies ("Amelie from Montmartre"), filled her life with all sorts of strange relationships and never broke a single one of them.

As for myself, there was only a single occasion when I had shut people off. It was for a serious reason and they knew very well why they had got it. And no, they are never coming back.
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I really like everything about this statement. I have always thought that it was more of a Fi thing to cut ties and run. I agree that Fe tends to hold onto relationships till their last dying breath, even if it's a bad one, it's difficult for them to let go. However, I think that once they do let go, it's rare for them to let someone back in.

Now, my INFP self totally contradicts this, since I have let someone back in after almost two years of severed connection. We are maintaining a friendship, but at a distance. This person used to be my friend, but betrayed me in a number of ways. I think the only reason why I let this person back in is because our kids are also friends and I didn't want the mess the adults made to harm their friendship.

On another note, I was let back in after a bad break up with an INFJ. She didn't door slam me, thankfully, and instead nurtured our friendship that we had prior to being in a relationship and we've been close for 20 years now.
 
Misadventure said:
I really like everything about this statement. I have always thought that it was more of a Fi thing to cut ties and run. I agree that Fe tends to hold onto relationships till their last dying breath, even if it's a bad one, it's difficult for them to let go. However, I think that once they do let go, it's rare for them to let someone back in.

Now, my INFP self totally contradicts this, since I have let someone back in after almost two years of severed connection. We are maintaining a friendship, but at a distance. This person used to be my friend, but betrayed me in a number of ways. I think the only reason why I let this person back in is because our kids are also friends and I didn't want the mess the adults made to harm their friendship.

On another note, I was let back in after a bad break up with an INFJ. She didn't door slam me, thankfully, and instead nurtured our friendship that we had prior to being in a relationship and we've been close for 20 years now.
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It's extremely bothering how an Fi user can let go of someone so easily after the connections that were made. It almost builds a stern hatred in me for that person as well. Being an Fe user, I'm into resolving even the worst of things. Fi users can let go of something/someone like it never happened and that irks me to the depths of the inside of the Earth. We spend all this time building a interpersonal connection and after a few things go wrong, Fi users can flush it all down the drain, and move down another journey like nothing happened. It disgusts me, but I understand it. :)

Apparently if an Fi user doesn't like the way someone or something makes them feel, they'll cease to perish it. Fi can be seen as self serving at times, they can also seem very inconsiderate to others if you don't understand them.
 
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