Letting people back in
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Anyone mind if I chime in? Just try to stop me! I'm new here sorry if I screw it up.
I've door slammed a few people, a step sister, a step mom, 2 really good friends and just recently my babies mama (18 Year co-dependent, toxic relationship)
My two step family members were door slammed as a result of a crap childhood. As soon as I could move out of on my own I did and never looked back. I still see them but have no feelings for them at all.
My 2 friends did what I consider to be total betrayal. I gave a few hurtful words to one and punch the other in the nose. I haven't spoken to or heard from them since. I don't feel bad for for either door slam. I feel nothing.
My relationship door slam is the result of repeated offenses (two of them are listed above) and my forgiveness being taken for granted. 18 years and finally the emotional door is closed. Everything in the relationship that mattered and what didn't matter more or less doesn't exist anymore. Of course I have my kids to worry about so I still have to talk to her. It's more like speaking to a co-worker more than anything.
I can't see any of them being allowed access to my being ever again. I have no more energy left to share with them. I don't hate them, I don't love them, I don't miss them, I don't wonder what they are doing. Everywhere that our lives were entangled has been completely severed.
Like what was said earlier OP, you shouldn't let them back in unless you both make the permanent changes necessary for the relationship to work. Otherwise, you're just punching yourself in the face and hoping for a rainbow. Remember, they were door slammed for a reason. I won't say it can't work out though. Anything is possible, but I haven't let anyone back in.
I've door slammed a few people, a step sister, a step mom, 2 really good friends and just recently my babies mama (18 Year co-dependent, toxic relationship)
My two step family members were door slammed as a result of a crap childhood. As soon as I could move out of on my own I did and never looked back. I still see them but have no feelings for them at all.
My 2 friends did what I consider to be total betrayal. I gave a few hurtful words to one and punch the other in the nose. I haven't spoken to or heard from them since. I don't feel bad for for either door slam. I feel nothing.
My relationship door slam is the result of repeated offenses (two of them are listed above) and my forgiveness being taken for granted. 18 years and finally the emotional door is closed. Everything in the relationship that mattered and what didn't matter more or less doesn't exist anymore. Of course I have my kids to worry about so I still have to talk to her. It's more like speaking to a co-worker more than anything.
I can't see any of them being allowed access to my being ever again. I have no more energy left to share with them. I don't hate them, I don't love them, I don't miss them, I don't wonder what they are doing. Everywhere that our lives were entangled has been completely severed.
Like what was said earlier OP, you shouldn't let them back in unless you both make the permanent changes necessary for the relationship to work. Otherwise, you're just punching yourself in the face and hoping for a rainbow. Remember, they were door slammed for a reason. I won't say it can't work out though. Anything is possible, but I haven't let anyone back in.
No because I only cut people off when it is clear that I'll never get along with them. I really don't need people that consistently make me feel bad.
Some times I check on somebody later to see if they improve and they almost never do.
Some times I check on somebody later to see if they improve and they almost never do.
- Dec 29, 2009
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I don't think I'm a door slammer as such, but ? When I cut the cord, that's it. You have to forgive people, but you don't have to let them step on you multiple times. You have to leave the past behind. It will certainly leave you behind. As long as it's driven by an urge to move on and reach new things and not anger or bitterness, best to close the door on the past hurts, learn from it if you can, and head for the shores of the new and undiscovered.
I’ve door-slammed or cut-and-run two times in my life.
#1 - good friend, years-long, shared interests, many adventures...one day he revealed to me his interest in, and stash of, child pornography, and his progress in grooming a neighbor child.
This was totally out of the blue to me. I guess he trusted me that much. Well, anyway, fuck you, and I hope to never cross paths with you again. I’m not sure if it was extra-jarring to me because I was sexually-abused as a child, or not, but I knew no relationship of any kind was possible from that point forward. As soon as I got home, I called the police and told them what I had witnessed. Have fun, you sick fuck. May you be struck down with a fiery sword and cleft in twain. Over and over, for all eternity.
#2 - mom
Once I could get out, I got the fuck out, and had zero contact of any kind for over 10 years. I may as well have been dead. It was the only way to cut off her narcissistic supply, and to let her know that all the traumatic abuses were not OK. To be fair, I was also dealing with an undiagnosed and untreated disorder, and lost in my escalating oblivion of drug use, among other things. Plus, I had a shed-load of self-work to do that would not happen if I had any contact with her. Now all these years later I have a relationship with her, but I keep my distance physically, emotionally, and mentally as is needed for me to feel safe. I’ve changed, and so has she, but some things, once undone, can never be made whole again. Plus, I hear from my sister certain things that let me know that I would do well to never have an unguarded moment with my mother ever again, and that’s OK.
---
I’ve been door-slammed by two beloveds who cheated, such that it just ended, and once I neglected a friendship due to depression and the earlier-mentioned disorder and drugs and that got me a door-slam.
That was nearly 20 years ago, and I regard it as one of the grand fuck-ups of my life, and so one of the grand lessons. It only hurts a little now to have been door-slammed, but it hurts more still that I did what I did, and someone I loved had to sit by helpless, in pain, and watch something die.
Maybe someday I will figure out a way to forgive myself.
Being Human Is Hard,
Ian
#1 - good friend, years-long, shared interests, many adventures...one day he revealed to me his interest in, and stash of, child pornography, and his progress in grooming a neighbor child.
This was totally out of the blue to me. I guess he trusted me that much. Well, anyway, fuck you, and I hope to never cross paths with you again. I’m not sure if it was extra-jarring to me because I was sexually-abused as a child, or not, but I knew no relationship of any kind was possible from that point forward. As soon as I got home, I called the police and told them what I had witnessed. Have fun, you sick fuck. May you be struck down with a fiery sword and cleft in twain. Over and over, for all eternity.
#2 - mom
Once I could get out, I got the fuck out, and had zero contact of any kind for over 10 years. I may as well have been dead. It was the only way to cut off her narcissistic supply, and to let her know that all the traumatic abuses were not OK. To be fair, I was also dealing with an undiagnosed and untreated disorder, and lost in my escalating oblivion of drug use, among other things. Plus, I had a shed-load of self-work to do that would not happen if I had any contact with her. Now all these years later I have a relationship with her, but I keep my distance physically, emotionally, and mentally as is needed for me to feel safe. I’ve changed, and so has she, but some things, once undone, can never be made whole again. Plus, I hear from my sister certain things that let me know that I would do well to never have an unguarded moment with my mother ever again, and that’s OK.
---
I’ve been door-slammed by two beloveds who cheated, such that it just ended, and once I neglected a friendship due to depression and the earlier-mentioned disorder and drugs and that got me a door-slam.
That was nearly 20 years ago, and I regard it as one of the grand fuck-ups of my life, and so one of the grand lessons. It only hurts a little now to have been door-slammed, but it hurts more still that I did what I did, and someone I loved had to sit by helpless, in pain, and watch something die.
Maybe someday I will figure out a way to forgive myself.
Being Human Is Hard,
Ian
I so see the world like this. Being an Fe I tend to put a lot of myself into a relationship once I know it is a relationship I really want. To let go of something precious like this after something untoward has happened is more than heartbreaking for me. I try to resolve it and forgive the other person. It annoys me that others' can let it go so easily.It's extremely bothering how an Fi user can let go of someone so easily after the connections that were made. It almost builds a stern hatred in me for that person as well. Being an Fe user, I'm into resolving even the worst of things. Fi users can let go of something/someone like it never happened and that irks me to the depths of the inside of the Earth. We spend all this time building a interpersonal connection and after a few things go wrong, Fi users can flush it all down the drain, and move down another journey like nothing happened. It disgusts me, but I understand it.
Apparently if an Fi user doesn't like the way someone or something makes them feel, they'll cease to perish it. Fi can be seen as self serving at times, they can also seem very inconsiderate to others if you don't understand them.
- Aug 21, 2015
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Dumb, clumsy hands.
I didn't mean to post so soon.
–– I didn't know this behavior was attributed to Fi. I find it cruel. I've had a few Fi users do this, then try to stay in vague contact on social media, continuing to 'like' my images and posts, but refusing to interact. This seems manipulative to me because they control the interaction and they won't let me forget about them. It irritates me so much it usually (almost always) ends with me door slamming them, then they're surprised and hurt by the door slam.
I don't door slam often. When I have it is long overdue. I'm usually OK at avoiding getting close to people I think will lead to problems. My circle of peers is usually my professional competition, though, and I'm keenly aware of what a bad idea that is.
Edit: And no, once I door slam, that is IT. I've suggested to a few friends that we take time away from each other, but if I door slam you, the friendship is over. I've tried to let people back in and it is like releasing the Kraken on my life. Haha.
I didn't mean to post so soon.
It's extremely bothering how an Fi user can let go of someone so easily after the connections that were made. It almost builds a stern hatred in me for that person as well. Being an Fe user, I'm into resolving even the worst of things. Fi users can let go of something/someone like it never happened and that irks me to the depths of the inside of the Earth. We spend all this time building a interpersonal connection and after a few things go wrong, Fi users can flush it all down the drain, and move down another journey like nothing happened. It disgusts me, but I understand it.
Apparently if an Fi user doesn't like the way someone or something makes them feel, they'll cease to perish it. Fi can be seen as self serving at times, they can also seem very inconsiderate to others if you don't understand them.
–– I didn't know this behavior was attributed to Fi. I find it cruel. I've had a few Fi users do this, then try to stay in vague contact on social media, continuing to 'like' my images and posts, but refusing to interact. This seems manipulative to me because they control the interaction and they won't let me forget about them. It irritates me so much it usually (almost always) ends with me door slamming them, then they're surprised and hurt by the door slam.
I don't door slam often. When I have it is long overdue. I'm usually OK at avoiding getting close to people I think will lead to problems. My circle of peers is usually my professional competition, though, and I'm keenly aware of what a bad idea that is.
Edit: And no, once I door slam, that is IT. I've suggested to a few friends that we take time away from each other, but if I door slam you, the friendship is over. I've tried to let people back in and it is like releasing the Kraken on my life. Haha.
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I had to doorslam my dad after over 20 years of emotional abuse. I see my life as 'pre-dad-door-slam' and post. I've grown more as a person in a couple of years than I did in over a decade. I'm hoping to let him in at some point; I feel like he realises what he's lost now. But I'm still scared since he's a narcissist. I'm staying well away until I'm certain.
In other relationships, I'll door-slam them when they cross the line with me. Normally it's betraying my trust, lying to me (about something significant), being malicious towards me or taking advantage of my kindness etc. I have let such individuals back in (those that I was related to anyway) after I knew they had received what they deserved, had suffered as a result and and have changed and I 'know' they won't make the same mistake again. But even then, it's not to the same deep level as it was before.
I think I might be in the process of door-slamming an INFP ex. Time will tell; let's see which way that switch goes...
In other relationships, I'll door-slam them when they cross the line with me. Normally it's betraying my trust, lying to me (about something significant), being malicious towards me or taking advantage of my kindness etc. I have let such individuals back in (those that I was related to anyway) after I knew they had received what they deserved, had suffered as a result and and have changed and I 'know' they won't make the same mistake again. But even then, it's not to the same deep level as it was before.
I think I might be in the process of door-slamming an INFP ex. Time will tell; let's see which way that switch goes...
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"Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart
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No, once bitten, twice shy.
I don't forgive or forget. That said, forgiveness is not mercy.
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