INFPs: Being reserved and needing space

[Free Mind]

Are you reserved? How and when? How do people respond to this aspect of your personality?

I am reserved to a certain extent, only around people I don't trust so much, people respond by probably looking at me as 'boring.' but if they got to know me it would be a different story, I don't open up to many people.



Are you someone needs a lot of personal space or private time? How much much and when? How do you think this affects your relationships - whether positively or negatively?

I really do need a lot of private time...it really helps to keep me in a happy mind state, when im out and what not, I get really frustrated sometimes and just want to get back into my personal space where no one can bother me. With relationships, I am fine if it's with a special person, which in my case it is. I basically feel like I am in my personal space around this women. So there isn't a problem with that. So it affects my relationship positively more than negatively.

I am trying to find out my true type, so any thoughts are welcome to how you would 'type me'.

 

[Nixie]

I believe that I am reserved in the sense that I don't run around blabbing about myself very often. I require tons of personal space and even despise people who tailgate me since it feels like such an intrusion. However, I recognize that this is my impression and many others seem to believe that I am their bestest friend or that we are all huggy, chatty patty buddies. I tend to go with the flow if you are someone who has forged a connection with me (with or without my consent) and tend to be open to what others want/need. If I can't stand someone I can usually be blunt about "quit touching me" but that is extremely rare.

 

[anica]

INFPs: Being reserved and needing space

Though I score consistently as an INFJ on tests, I have long thought I am an INFP. This thread has once more convinced me that I am indeed an INFP. Much like Bananaphone, I tend to mull things over and do a cost/benefit analysis before entering conversations, which can make me appear rather reserved. On the other hand, when hypomanic or manic, I've been known to strike up conversations with total strangers, but I don't generally do this kind of thing when in remission. I can't abide crowds and avoid parties like the plague. When in a small group of people who appreciate my weird sense of humor, I can and do play the clown at times.

Even with the people I love the most I sometimes have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings so that I'm often asked if I'm upset with them when in reality I'm merely enmeshed in my own thoughts. I'm trying to be more expressive, especially with my husband, because I think lack of communication played a role in the demise of my earlier marriages.

I need enormous amounts of time and space to myself. I think this had a lot to do with why I had so much difficulty with motherhood when my sons were toddlers. My husband luckily also needs a great deal of time alone and we've solved what could be a potential problem by having separate rooms. We generally eat supper early and then spend the evening apart only to get together again at 10 p.m. for an hour or so to talk and reconnect. I usually wake up at 4:30 a.m.--an hour and a half before he does (another reason for separate rooms)--so I have another precious block of time before my day starts and I have to begin interacting with people.

The description of an INFP by David Keirsey also fit in many ways. It answered something that has always puzzled me. I avoid leadership positions whenever possible but my housemate of 17 years and my husband have both always described me as "the glue that holds us all together." They can't or won't explain it beyond that and to be honest I don't really get what they're talking about, but there was something in Keirsey's depiction on INFP that seemed to address that.

As for bookishness, I taught myself to read at age three, driving my parents nuts in the process, and was a voracious reader until age 43. The most crippling aspect of the stroke was that I was unable to read at all for six months and since that time reading has been so slow and laborious because my eyes still don't work well together, that I don't read nearly as much as I used to,

This has been a most enlightening thread. Thank you, Anita (I think?) for starting it.

 

[This]

I'm an INFJ but I need a very large amount of alone time to be honest.

 

[Gaze]

bump

 

[Soulful]

I'm reserved a lot of the time because I tend to be slow to react. I usually think about things before saying them. I also think this: "Is it worth it to even mention that, do I even want to get involved in that conversation?" Because small talk and some conversations can be really draining. So I'm usually doing a cost/benefit analysis of opening my mouth.

I'm also reserved because I'm shy. I'd rather be overlooked than speak up and make a fool of myself. In person I USUALLY only speak when I'm convinced and confident I'm right... which takes me a long time to figure out--which brings me back to being reserved because I have to mull things over.

People respond fine either way. I don't know. I actually don't really care unless it has to do with my work, then it matters to me if someone feels I'm distant--I mean if a client thinks that.

I'm curious if other INFPs and/or INFJs can relate to the bolded text, especially the underlined part? Is this sense of not caring enabled by dominant Fi (and perhaps weakened by Fe in Fe dominants or IxFJs)?

 

[Gaze]

I'm curious if other INFPs and/or INFJs can relate to the bolded text, especially the underlined part? Is this sense of not caring enabled by dominant Fi (and perhaps weakened by Fe in Fe dominants or IxFJs)?

[MENTION=407]Soulful[/MENTION]

Yeah, I think it is. I just recently realized that I don't care so much what others think but I do care if it affects my performance or perception of how well I'm doing. So, if I seem too withdrawn or reserved, and I notice that it's affecting the impression of my effectiveness, then I will adjust or change. But if I don't have to adjust, I don't worry as much especially if no one is bothered by it. But if it seems to be an issue, then stress ensues *sigh*

 

[acd]

It's taken me a long time to come to the point where I'm not going to obsess and beat myself up if I'm being reserved at a party or some other social gathering.

I used to agonize over how I came across in social situations, whether or not I talked enough.. and then internally berate myself because I was too quiet...I guess I had social anxiety.
I'm much more comfortable with my personality now and accept that I am not a chatty outgoing vivacious person...

So when I said I don't really care, I should have explained that I've come to terms with being reserved and I'm not going to pressure myself to be any other way.
The not caring thing is not something that is innate in me. I'm just done with being paranoid about it, because in reality, I was just obsessed with being admired by all.

In the past, I've had managers tell me to be more talkative and friendlier.. and I've always made the effort to do that because I understand that if someone is going to pay me to do something, I should conform to certain expectations. I try not to take work things personally.

I should also mention that a big part of why I like to have my alone time is because if I spend too much time with someone or a group of people, I start to feel like I'm becoming too enmeshed with their thoughts and stuff--and I need to have a day or two to myself to reconnect with my own thoughts.

Make of that what you will.. Fi or Fe or something much more than mbti and cognitive functions...

 

[Morgain]

It's taken me a long time to come to the point where I'm not going to obsess and beat myself up if I'm being reserved at a party or some other social gathering.

I used to agonize over how I came across in social situations, whether or not I talked enough.. and then internally berate myself because I was too quiet...I guess I had social anxiety.
I'm much more comfortable with my personality now and accept that I am not a chatty outgoing vivacious person...

So when I said I don't really care, I should have explained that I've come to terms with being reserved and I'm not going to pressure myself to be any other way.
The not caring thing is not something that is innate in me. I'm just done with being paranoid about it, because in reality, I was just obsessed with being admired by all.

In the past, I've had managers tell me to be more talkative and friendlier.. and I've always made the effort to do that because I understand that if someone is going to pay me to do something, I should conform to certain expectations. I try not to take work things personally.

I should also mention that a big part of why I like to have my alone time is because if I spend too much time with someone or a group of people, I start to feel like I'm becoming too enmeshed with their thoughts and stuff--and I need to have a day or two to myself to reconnect with my own thoughts.

Make of that what you will.. Fi or Fe or something much more than mbti and cognitive functions...

same here. I'm also in the process of learning not to care about how I come across towards other people. I'm way to much concerned that my behavior will have negative effects on the relationship

but I have learned that the less you care about how you come across, the less other people mind your (odd) behavior. It all seems to come down to self trust and being comfortable as who you are. When you accept yourself, others will follow

 

[Gaze]

I'm protective of my personal space. I don't let many people in that space. But if I feel comfortable with someone, I don't mind being in the same personal space.

 

[aeon]

I think I am reserved when it makes sense to be, e.g., social expectation in a given situation — but in general, no, I am not reserved.

I like to engage with people, both known to me and those who are strangers. I enjoy giving compliments to people, strangers included, if something about their person strikes me so.

Some personal space is necessary, but not a lot of it. I have more need for being together than being apart.

I tend to prefer dyadic engagement more than other forms of social interaction.

Sometimes quiet time is wonderful, but sometimes I want to sing or whistle in the library, so to speak. Actually, that’s not a good idea, so I tend to do that in the grocery.


cheers,
Ian

 

[Gaze]

I'm protective of my personal space. I don't let many people in that space. But if I feel comfortable with someone, I don't mind being in the same personal space.

Edit: This^^^ makes me sound anti-social . Actually, I like talking to people one-on-one but not in large groups. Since I am uncomfortable with being the center of attention, I prefer to be in a more relaxed atmosphere where I can contribute without feeling put on the spot. I can sometimes feel very overwhelmed when there is too much social interaction. When this happens, I usually withdraw to my own thoughts or think of something visually calming such as imagining a quiet place in my mind.