INFJ Friendships | INFJ Forum

INFJ Friendships

Julia

Julia

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Apr 21, 2009
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I thought it would be interesting to start a thread that focused on the way INFJs and other types approach friendships. I did a search and didn't find a basic one like this. Add more questions and details as you like.

How do you form friendships? Is it easy or difficult?
What are your friendships like?
What importance do you place on friendships? And how do these impact your life?
 
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My friendships are formed usually by the other person's first move. I'm too painfully shy to approach someone myself. I think it's hard for INFJs generally because we find it hard to find people worthy of our trust and time.
My friendships are usually very close, but one-way. Like, i'll do everything in my power to make them happy and I will never get anything in return. I have an ENFP friend, and it is always solely about her, and never anyone else. I found that the best friendship I've ever had/have is with an INTP. She's a introverted introvert so it makes things a little easier; the lack of emotions can become difficult to work with, but it's otherwise amazing to be friends with INTPs.
As INFJs go, i think we place big value in our friendships because it's so hard for us to find people that accept and understand us. They're like, the be all and end all for us which can be very dangerous as we end up throwing things of our own life away for them because the friendship is so important.As for impact, I think they help us bring out our inner self, but sometimes it can be very damaging depending on the individual themselves, or otherwise a very positive and help thing for us.
 
I like this thread.

I find forming friendships difficult. I don't really keep acquaintances, and I'm shy, so its usually the doing of time spent together, their initiative, or situation (like school).

My close friendships are not one sided. I find my close friends do a lot of things to show they care for me. My best friend is always supporting me, even when I'm in rather dark moods. And at as many opportunities as I can, I also try and show them I care for them too. I find its a give and take sharing support as needed.

My friendships are very important to me. As I said before, I don't have casual friends, so I cherish my handful of quality friendships that have stood the test of time. I think these friends have had a great impact on my life, because they have offered me a firm secure base of support that I haven't always had from my family. I'm sure I would be infinitely more messed up if this wasn't so.
 
I don't find it too difficult to get off on a good start with someone, as long as I have someone to support me. In other words, if I have a friend with me, it's easier to be comfortable approaching people. If I don't have a friend...well, I don't approach people. My year in the Netherlands was spent all but alone because I didn't know anyone, and didn't really have the guts to get to know anyone.

But those are acquaintances. People I can laugh with. Friends, people I care about...it usually takes at least half a year to move to that point. It takes a long time for me to trust and form a bond. It took me almost four or five years before I considered my ESTP friend to be my best friend and really feel that deep connection.

So, in other words, it's both easy and difficult for me. It's easy to play the socialite and put on an ENFJ face. It's difficult to actually connect to people.


My friendships are usually pretty light and for-the-fun until someone connects. When they connect, I care deeply, and sometimes it complicates things. I want to make people happy, so I second guess myself a lot, and I'm careful to reveal myself only at the right times and when the other person is ready to meet that part of me. True friends make me feel comfortable, and I want to be around them a lot. Usually, though, the other person doesn't seem to feel quite as deeply, but I understand that, and have come to terms to it. I have to kind of open the floodgates slowly so that they're not overwhelmed by my raging love :B


And I place a huge importance on my friendships. Those few deep bonds mean so much to me...that year alone overseas made me realize that. If someone gets close to me, the idea of losing them is terrifying to me. Social bonds cause probably more stress to me than most things. But, I suppose, that's why I don't connect to many people...
 
My deepest friendship is with someone I've known over 20 years. I've said it before, but I really see her as my anam cara friend; my soul friend. I think she is an ENFP, but it's difficult to tell sometimes and I'm too close to her to type her. :D

But it is difficult for me to make friends. I rarely reach out and I do even less reaching to true introverts. I have a shell around me that just "is" and I've never bothered to dismantle it. Still, the friends who've made it through I cherish. I don't have anyone as close as Cath in my life and I think my mother is a little jealous of our closeness. This is okay for me, though, since having too many deep friends can be draining for me.
 
This is a sore subject for me.

A few days ago I saw someone who used to be a friend several years ago. She approached me fakey, fakey, like we recently had a conversation or something, in the middle of a restaurant.

I looked at her and said
 
I'm not sure how I got my current group of acquaintances, actually. It's been the same group throughout both primary school and high school. Internet friends are somewhat easier to make, as the medium is inherently more mental (and thus more comfortable to deal with, at least for me).

Most of my bonding moments with my current best friend occurred when one or the other of us needed an emotional pillar. I totally would've skipped past her had she not bothered to talk to me; though again, internet friend. Thankfully we have plenty of contact out in the meat-o-sphere, though.

Actually, to be honest, I like to call this the Topsy-Turvy-Turnip Theory of Interactions. I have one best friend that I focus on (and after four years, this one actually focuses on me too :)) and go out of my way to maintain contact and be open with, and then unfortunately layers of decreasing focus that experience drift :(

And to be perfectly honest, the major catalyst in our friendship has been romantic feelings. Fighting those off led to said bonding moments, for both of us (I'm amazed she put up with me for so long :p)

I'm generally not confident in evaluating others as friends, as I generally don't trust myself not to eventually lose focus on them.
 
I often make the first move. This is habitual, but once upon a time, a long time ago I would never have dreamed of doing it. It took a huge effort of will to break through and introduce myself and my existing friends to two boys we wanted to play tennis with, when I was 11 or 12. It would have been much easier for my friends to do it, with them both being extroverts, but they were starting to side against these two newcomers, and I could sense that they would all get along just fine if they only tried, so I made the introductions. I was terrified. I remember it well. Shaking like a leaf - who knows why - but I did it, and since then it has become easier. Usually I have a good reason to reach out to someone - either I already know we have a lot in common, or I know I can help them in some way, or I'm in my 'love for everyone' frame of mind, in which case I'll approach anybody. Sure I still have my off days, where I'd rather just hide in my cave, but I also realise my worth in a friendship, so I think, in a way i'm doing somebody a favour by saying hi for the first time. If it doesn't work out, it's no biggie. There are plenty of friendly fish in the sea. :)
 
I found myself an INFJ friend, this will be helpful.
 
How do you form friendships? Is it easy or difficult?
Click to expand...

First question: I don't, they come to me.
Second question: I guess it's difficult because I really don't like to have friends. I'm very anti-social, however, from time to time I like to hangout with them.

What are your friendships like?
Click to expand...

They have different flavors and tastes. I get along with everyone when I'm in the mood.

What importance do you place on friendships? And how do these impact your life?
Click to expand...

First question: I only have one true friend, and she means everything to me.

Second question: They lead me to see life differently. I appreciate that.
 
I find it difficult to make friends. I have about 3 people who I would consider real friends. One of which is my age and therefore I see regularly. My experience has led me to believe that about....8/10 won't like me. This statistic I have estimated by being at training. Lots of people come and go and I have observed the amount and kind of people whom I seem to naturally get along with.

For someone to be my friend they would have to be a non-judgemental and accepting person. I've come across many Extravert's who hate introverts. Basically they take my introversion and assume all the qualities are negative projections. There are many of these people and, to be honest, it knocked my self-esteem whilst growing up.

It's a slow process. I find that, people who I get to know quickly never stick around and to have a real friend, it'll take months maybe a year for them to get to friend status. There are extraneous circumstances however. Such as people on the board who I have become real friends with. We're in the same boat, being INFJs and knowing it, so it's a more direct connection.
 
I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me... but all these relationships and 'friends' are simply plastic facades which makes me deeply private and somewhat cynical of people as a whole.

I struggle to find true friends as I can say I only have two. Life I think is too short for time being wasted on carefully crafted facades that i generally see straight through :/
 
halicon said:
I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me... but all these relationships and 'friends' are simply plastic facades which makes me deeply private and somewhat cynical of people as a whole.
Click to expand...

i'm with you there.

i think these acquaintances are formed mainly because there less resistance in maintaining good/polite terms with those you intuitively know to be less accepting (of what is unearthed fully beyond our surface personality) than knowingly giving them a taste of something they may not be accustomed to. of course, when we find it appropriate, we often do allow our quirky qualities emerge and it is healthy to do so. also, we often stand our ground when it comes to areas we value and place importance in being understood in these matters.

INFJs, being sensitive to other's emotions are usually aware of how deeper areas of their personality may affect another person (perhaps out of having had their share of unfullfilling experiences in the past where it was not taken well). we are people who value harmony and therefore we may often decide that it is more tactful to compensate self-expression or being deeply understood, especially when it involves others who may not readily be receptive of our ideas/behaviours. this also stems from the fact that being people of depth and as introverts, we naturally require time to build relationships and truly let others in, despite having a friendly disposition.
 
I form friends when people come to me. I almost never approach anyone. However, if someone talks to me first, and I like their vibe, I will be very open and friendly with them. If I had initally liked their vibe, and conversation flowed easily without feeling akward or forced, I will likely become friend with the person.

Friends are important to me. However, I don't like to have too many friends. I then feel obligated to give all of them equal attention and most of the time I don't have the energy to do so. Sometimes I have to resist the urge to drop good friends, simply because I just don't have the energy to keep in contact with them enough to keep the connection going.
 
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