INFJ+ESTP Love Relationship?

[Heartsong82]

I am an INFJ and my boyfriend is an ESTP. There has been a very unique dynamic between us from the very beginning. Both of us acknowledged that it was unlike anything we had experienced before, and that it felt both scarily foreign, and undeniably natural and easy at the same time. He pursued ME, and what initially started as a friendship where I often was his confidant and "advisor" for things in life, quickly grew into a lot more. In what seems like an impossibly short amount of time, he insisted that he just "knows" I am the one for him, and has loved me from the beginning. He pursued me relentlessly...and waited until I went through my whole rationalization/analysis of the risks of committing to him. We do have some conflict, but it is always resolved almost immediately and we go right back to focusing on each other. It's like he picks up where I leave off and vice versa or something. It's just "easy" to love him...even though we are nothing alike.

I was wondering what everyone else's opinions are of a relationship between these two types, and any experience you have had?

 

[Ergo Christobal]

Just remember that MBTI is only a guideline. It's useful for determining over-arching themes in people but shouldn't be used as a medical diagnosis of behavior. Take in people as they are, think about them complexly.

I started off thinking that MBTI could be used to measure, even predict, relationships both platonic and romantic. I learned that it's not, and people might have a type but there is so much variation in a human being that 16 types does not begin to quantify our diverse personalities.

That being said, I've had experience with many ENTP's and some ESTP's. They are really fun to be around, and can make for good partners. They can also be very strange, even for me, and harsh.

 

[Razare]

My dad is an ESTP and we always got along just fine, never one major argument between us and he has been a great father all the way through my upbringing.

When we talk, my Ti bounces off his Ti. My intuition points out things he never thought of before. His extroverted sensing keeps me grounded in reality.

I could see how it would be a very good match for an INFJ.

 

[Tamagochi]

I had not been in a relationship with ESTP so cannot advice from experience. The theoretical outlook however is quite favorable. Your bf uses functions Se Ti Fe and Ni - those are the same as INFJ except that in reverse order. So actually you have quite a lot in common

Things could be much more complicated than that - for example ESTJ or ISTJ share none of our functions and are least compatible according to theory handbook.

 

[Honey]

To the OP

I have very little confidence in the future of any ESTP/INFJ relationship at least for myself. I find Se highly irritating, it feels like it is in some kind of conflict with my Ni. It often works that I am in deep introversion lost in my Ni world and oblivious to the external world. I enjoy this state, it is calming, beautiful and productive when I am not actively worrying about something and it is the natural state I usually revert to and want to revert to especially after a busy day being in the external environment and having to extrovert myself. If I am around an ESTP they often feel the need to interupt this state my making odd sounds and un-necessary movements, it feels like they are trying to force me into reality in a way that I find harsh and manipulative and I resent it. I usually do not find them all that irritating at first but they eventually work on my very last nerve.

I have an ESTP friend, he is one of my closest friends, he can actually finish my sentences for me and he has been chasing me for a few years now to have a relationship with him but then I have found that he chases everyone though he denies this. I can feel very,very comfortable around him for a while, months even, but eventually he wants more and more attention, resorts to Se related antics to get attention like a spoilt child and he is highly immoral as well but this aspect of him is usually well hidden from others and if I did not do a little "research" on him early on I might not have found out until when it is too late.

I also grew up with an ESTP male and I work with one as well and they are also very immoral. I am not saying all ESTPs are immoral or inclined to use people (and are good at manipulating them) but it sure seems that they are prone to it for various hedonistic reasons.

Yes, we both use Ni Se Ti and Fe but we use it in different ways and I do not exactly value Se highly and they do not usually like Ni for long either. We meet around the Fe and Ti mainly and that can be great for a while but I fear that is not enough and I can get that from an XNTP without the eventual drama. I am sorry to be a downer on this, it is just that I have so much experience with this type (the females are somewhat easier to be around long-term) and I have been able to observe them from childhood, everyone loves them but I can usually see through their crap and I am just not fascinated by them even though I will keep the ESTP friend I have until he goes, I think he likes the challenge of me and his advice is often sensible. He has a really comforting effect on me sometimes when I am dealing with certain unpleasant issues but again what they have to offer is simply not enough for me in the long term.

If you really are INFJ then my unsolicited and probably too late advice to you is to stay emotionally detached and observant and do not allow yourself to drown in the romance that they can so easily create (I think they do better with a type that can be really indifferent to people like an ISXJ) just take it very slow and see what develops it might work out fine and it might not but it is better not to get lost in the emotions of it all because it is my belief that INFJ do not see people ands reality clearly when that happens.

 

[toska]

I was with one for five years. I've never met someone who's so like me on the inside, yet acts so different on the outside. It was great at first because we were both very young and he was exactly the type of exciting bad boy I had been dreaming of meeting during my over sheltered teen years. Eventually it went bad because I got tired of taking care of all of his emotional boo boos and getting very little empathy in return. Also he would complain that I didn't like to do anything because I wasn't interested in constantly doing sporting-type activities. Sometimes he liked engaging in a lot of gossip and social banter that I found really superficial, boring, and annoying.

 

[Siamese cat]

I'm with one for the last eight years now. And it's been great.

In a way I pursued him, I had a strange feeling that he was just what I need, and he proved to be that every step of the way. As for the many differences between us, we found a comporomise, and I think that we both are learning very much from each other all the time that way. Restlessness that I have on the inside is on the outside for him, and he is able to understand me for it. We both are committed to each other but are not joined at the hip, and I like that we both have some separate worlds to dwell in and than share stories about them with each other.

I'm not sure what would be like to be with some other ESTP, but I noticed that they generally attract me, it has something to do with their hands, especially if they play some instrument, and just the way they see life, their spontaneous demeanor. I just want to have a view of the world through their eyes and luckily I have.

 

[Matariki]

Hmm.... what do I think of this?

INFJ's that date ISTP's?

INFJ's that date ESTP's?

Its a never ending war for us ENTP's and INTP's competing against our 'S' counterparts.

 

[Zero Angel]

those down-to-earth bastards!

 

[athenian200]

I can't really imagine that. I've been around ESTPs before, and I honestly can't stand most of them. They tend to bully me. ISTPs aren't so bad, though... I can picture it working well with them.

I'm also fairly uncomfortable with Se, especially very extraverted Se. So, in my opinion? It's not good for INFJs in general, but it might work well for one that appreciates a lot of Se.

 

[Heartsong82]

Honestly, part of me questions if he is a true ESTP a lot of the time...because he is very sensitive to how I am feeling, and we often find ourselves riding the same emotional roller coaster for days, although expressing it differently. We can read each other pretty well. A lot of what an ESTP is defined by is fitting...and he does not have the "feeling" sensitivity toward ANYONE else in his life, not even his children. (and no that doesn't mean I'm saying he LOVES me more than them. We just are in tune with each other in a deeper way then we have been with anyone else). Just me. So I'm not sure what it is. We do have conflict...and usually it's because I blow something way out of proportion, and then try to explain to him in a million words WHY I FEEL the way I do...and he just doesn't see why I would turn something so small into something so HUGE. In the end though...he sticks it out til I run out of emotional energy...slowly grounding me...and we come right back to where we belong. We seem to resolve things really well. I don't ever feel like a disagreement goes without complete resolution. I see the feelings beneath our reactions, he sees the reasons around them. Together, we work through it and put it behind us. So far things seem to be going great. Although I am well aware of how easily things could go wrong. I often feel like he and I are standing in the eye of a storm...both of our worlds swirling dangerously around us...and as long as we don't step out into them, we'll be okay...

 

[Honey]

I can't really imagine that. I've been around ESTPs before, and I honestly can't stand most of them. They tend to bully me. ISTPs aren't so bad, though... I can picture it working well with them.

I'm also fairly uncomfortable with Se, especially very extraverted Se. So, in my opinion? It's not good for INFJs in general, but it might work well for one that appreciates a lot of Se.

Yep, they have also tried to bully me too so I had to make it clear that that was not going to happen, I think some of them often like to attempt to bully people who they cannot manipulate/persuade and they can also be enormously narcissistic and controlling but not in a direct brutal way like ESTJs. I am just not surprised by the feeling of comfort the OP has with this ESTP but I also know that for me it is just not enough and even that goes eventually when other aspects of their behavior start showing. I just cannot seem to trust them at all what with knowing so many unscrupulous ones. My Aunt was [happily]married to one for nearly fifteen years before she found out just how unscrupulous and destructive he was all along, they really usually are a couple steps ahead of most people. Some seem to also like to prey on innocent good girl types with an almost an unconscious desire to destroy and corrupt them, I think a lot of the self destructiveness of certain INFJ comes from the ESTP shadow and I have to say that I think all those negative MBTI descriptions of them tend to be quite correct unfortunately, even though I am pleased to have one for a friend for there is much to learn from them.

Eventually it went bad because I got tired of taking care of all of his emotional boo boos and getting very little empathy in return. Also he would complain that I didn't like to do anything because I wasn't interested in constantly doing sporting-type activities. Sometimes he liked engaging in a lot of gossip and social banter that I found really superficial, boring, and annoying.

My friend does this & also does that memory lane thing (they seem to always have excellent memories) where he sits there recalling in great detail like an ESFJ how much fun he had doing XXXX activity while you are there bored to tears with the shallowness of it all. I just wish the OP is with a genuinely decent one but it is just often so hard to tell.


.

 

[Trifoilum]

I think some of them often like to attempt to bully people who they cannot manipulate/persuade and they can also be enormously narcissistic and controlling but not in a direct brutal way like ESTJs.
.

I agreed with this. Most ESTP I've met... my alarm kinda rung. Like... "I can't trust him." I mean, sure, they talk well, but there's...that sense. Thanks to everyday exposure of ENTJ with a brilliant speech skills... I can somewhat notice certain level of (perhaps unconscious) attempt of those and I..... run. Away. Emotionally fast.

 

[Starry Night]

Yep, they have also tried to bully me too so I had to make it clear that that was not going to happen, I think some of them often like to attempt to bully people who they cannot manipulate/persuade and they can also be enormously narcissistic and controlling but not in a direct brutal way like ESTJs. I am just not surprised by the feeling of comfort the OP has with this ESTP but I also know that for me it is just not enough and even that goes eventually when other aspects of their behavior start showing. I just cannot seem to trust them at all what with knowing so many unscrupulous ones. My Aunt was [happily]married to one for nearly fifteen years before she found out just how unscrupulous and destructive he was all along, they really usually are a couple steps ahead of most people. Some seem to also like to prey on innocent good girl types with an almost an unconscious desire to destroy and corrupt them, I think a lot of the self destructiveness of certain INFJ comes from the ESTP shadow and I have to say that I think all those negative MBTI descriptions of them tend to be quite correct unfortunately, even though I am pleased to have one for a friend for there is much to learn from them.
.

Honey you point out very interesting facts (I dont want to quote all your posts here ;-)

I can back you guys up who said they often have ulterior motives and cant be trusted. My uncle is one and he tried to screw over my gran financially in a BIG way, my mum and aunt were able to stop it in the last minute!


And about bullying, in school there was an ESTP girl that was popular with many, but not me.. she started bullying me too after she saw I wouldnt "follow" her like many others in our class did, so really interesting how you pointed that out Honey!

Besides that.. they really tend to get on my nerves with their shallow talking.

I can see how theyre functions and everything would provide a good opportunity for us INJFs to learn though, maybe there are some decent ones? Somewhere...

 

[LucyJr]

Honestly, part of me questions if he is a true ESTP a lot of the time...because he is very sensitive to how I am feeling, and we often find ourselves riding the same emotional roller coaster for days, although expressing it differently. We can read each other pretty well. A lot of what an ESTP is defined by is fitting...and he does not have the "feeling" sensitivity toward ANYONE else in his life, not even his children. (and no that doesn't mean I'm saying he LOVES me more than them. We just are in tune with each other in a deeper way then we have been with anyone else). Just me. So I'm not sure what it is. We do have conflict...and usually it's because I blow something way out of proportion, and then try to explain to him in a million words WHY I FEEL the way I do...and he just doesn't see why I would turn something so small into something so HUGE. In the end though...he sticks it out til I run out of emotional energy...slowly grounding me...and we come right back to where we belong. We seem to resolve things really well. I don't ever feel like a disagreement goes without complete resolution. I see the feelings beneath our reactions, he sees the reasons around them. Together, we work through it and put it behind us. So far things seem to be going great. Although I am well aware of how easily things could go wrong. I often feel like he and I are standing in the eye of a storm...both of our worlds swirling dangerously around us...and as long as we don't step out into them, we'll be okay...

Answering this now only...

I have two ESTP brothers. One is 20, he is more introverted, the Ti subtype, and more introspective and quiet. Sometimes if you don't know him, you can take him as a natural introvert. But then unexpectatly, he sudenly flares up at times in his extroverted mode, in which he is full of the Se energy.

The other brother is only 14 years old, and he is the Se subtype. He almost seems like a abnormal child: he has a incredible force of will, and sometimes when he is in a good mood, his body and movements react as if he has electric wires in his hands and legs: every move is flexible and efforthless, cat-like, slow and graceful. When I stand near him, I can literarely feel his energy: its like it wakes me up to reality. And he is only 14 years old, I imagine how he would be at 20...


I writte this because I agree strongly with you: inside, both of my brothers are very sentimental and romantic, but outside, they have those cold, unemotional eyes, that piercing look.

My big ESTP brother has a INFP girlfriend. He treats her almost like a queen, he takes care of her, and he is proud of being with her. And also, very romantic gestures: buys flowers, takes her to a classy restaurant, and all kind of romantic sweet stuffs.

The other ESTP brother is much more interesting and paradoxical: he is very proud in his cappabilities and potential...he can easily intimidate guys bigger then him, even guys at 20-25. Girls dig him pretty much even on this age.
But on the other side, he is such a simple and likeable child. I play with him, and he just asks me stuffs that he is curious about with a simple and child-like naivety. Also, when we meet eachother, for example when I go to his school, when he shakes my hand, I can feel a very emotional and excited hand-shake, very emotional that he meets his "big brother"...exactly the feelings I had when I would meet my father when I was a child.

Both of them are very sentimental and romantic beings. And also very loving.


So, I have a "quiet force" type of ESTP brother, and a "in your face force" type of ESTP brother. Sometimes I think if Julius Caesar has some descendents in our family, because literarely I have a 14 years old Caesar brother!

 

[LucyJr]

If I have to chose to most paradoxical and contradictory types, I would chose definately the ESTP type, and the INFJ type.
According to Socionics, those types are duals, opposites in functions, so kind of the same creatures. it doesn't get more interesting than that.

 

[youassassin]

As an ESTP I can truly say that reading your post sounds exactly like my wife (INFJ) and I's relationship. Married for nearly 4 years dated for 4 before that.