I'm a complete wreck | INFJ Forum

I'm a complete wreck

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Hotherym, Apr 19, 2009.

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  1. Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    Ugh, god. Apologies in advance for dumping all of this when I never even visit. :(

    I don't even know where to start with this. I've talked briefly in one thread about my relationship that was on the rocks. Well, it ended.

    That would sound like a good thing, but...

    We were actually working toward something positive, I felt. We had future plans, we seemed to feel a lot for each other. But worse than that was how I fell in love with him.

    Basically, before I ever really knew he existed, I started to dream of a character that, over time, I became attached to within the dreams. I had no idea that this person could be real, but it had already happened once that I dreamt of a man who I later met, so I went in for it. Unlike the other guy, this guy seemed to like me back, and I felt a deep connection within the dreams.

    Unbeknownst to me, a young man messaging me had wanted to get closer to me for quite a while. I never made the connection -- besides, the dreams started before that.

    And then one day he showed me his picture. I went reeling backwards and started to ask him a lot of questions I had never done before. He matched, down to his family problems. I was shaken, infatuated and also horrified. Why horrified?

    Well, he was a furry. He was sexually specifically into male anthropomorphic animals.

    He eventually started to tell me he could get over them, that he could like women, that he would. We met and although the first meeting was very hot, after that he could never manage to, you know, perform. I wasn't sure why, but I still think it had to do with his messed up upbringing (that led to the furries in the first place -- long story).

    Anyway, over the course of the last two years, we were able to be sexual. He was very romantic, sweet, and clumsy. We got into many fights because he'd often lie to me, out of fear and shame. It drove us both into the ground, eventually.

    But over Christmas I spent a lot of time with him up in Canada, and stayed for two months. It felt like love, despite our remaining problems. I had no idea what was in store and lurking.

    I don't know if I pushed it into the ground or exactly what happened, but just recently he decided to dump me. His reasons are he never felt anything toward me like that and he's possibly gay, I guess because of the furries. In reality, he says he has no real attraction to anyone. It seems all his attractions are in his head and not human at that.

    I love him. I feel a deep, profound connection to him I never have with anyone else, not even a previous dream man. I'm suspecting we're both INFJ. I have lost almost my entire family, my parents both dying by the time I was 19 (my dad was incapacitated since I was 13, however, from stroke), and most of my family on their way out now. Obviously, I'm traumatized and clingy, so my brain is on overdrive to find someone with whom I can be stable and raise a family. But so much about he and I was a match, aside from these problems.

    Now, there's nothing I can do. I still live with my previous lover/now best friend (a guy), and I don't know what I'd do without him I love him so much. But it's like every time I try to rebuild my family, it falls apart.

    It's said there's also a curse in my family, cast by my great grandmother. I don't normally believe in these things, but the way things happen to me, I'm really, really reconsidering.

    I still feel this guy and I fit. There are lots of reasons I feel for it coming to this point, but I feel so strongly all of it would be worth working through, and that he and I could have a very rewarding life together if understandings were considered. He says he's not totally closed to the idea, but wants me to see it as the end, anyway. Part of me does, and the part that is still connected can't be reasoned with. I have considered and reconsidered if this is just my PTSD clinginess speaking, insanity, or just blind hope, and it just doesn't feel like it. I think those things come into play because of how I feel but are not the cause of it.

    I'm extremely monogamous by nature so this makes it even more difficult. But the feeling that he was 'the one,' just that many things stood in our way, won't leave me alone. I have never, ever felt that for anyone else, and I get the strong feeling I never will. When I was 12, I lied awake one night and the realization hit me suddenly that I'd always be alone in this way, that I'd never truly connect to anyone or it would be taken away somehow.

    Has anyone had anything like this? Anything along the lines of feeling like they've met a 'soul mate'? Lost soul mates? I never even believed in the junk before this. Any advice is extremely, whole-heartedly appreciated.

    So, yeah. Wreck.
     
  2. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

  3. OP
    Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    What, you're still single?
     
  4. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    If by single you mean, "Not involved in any committed relationships", Yes. I'm still single :D

    I want you.
     
  5. OP
    Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    No, you're just drunk.

    Not that I'm not down for relationships with ENTPs, but I need a liiiiittle bit more stability than you probably would ever want to give. :D

    Hell, I didn't even post about my ideals. Well, except monogamy. It doesn't make me a very sparkling specimen.

    God, I hate being INFJ. That's the first time I've ever admitted that.
     
  6. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    WOW.

    Well I've never met a soul mate, so I can't be of help in that capacity. Maybe it would be of help to offer a definition of soulmate, or is that my introverted thinking talking.

    Anyways.


    Do you really think this guy is ideally suited for you? or is it intense love?
     
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  7. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    I can give a shitload of stability. Also, I've not had any alcohol since November.

    Can you give encouragement for my writing, and conversation as well as enjoy country hopping?

    I want you.
     
    #7 Shai Gar, Apr 19, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2009
  8. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Just be thankful you had the opportunity to love. Part of love is the pain of loss. Many people fear it so much that they never allow themselves to love. But if you truly love a person, then you have to be willing to let them go. As long as you love them, they will always be a part of you.
     
  9. OP
    Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    Yeah, I considered if it's mere limerence or something deeper. However, I used to tell him I didn't care if he even had his, uh, bits and pieces, I'd love him as a partner, anyway, no matter what.

    The only problem I have with sex is it feels like, in such a situation, there should be no limits to what's shared. I'm pretty scarred sexually by the whole thing, too, so that's not really something I'm after right now.

    As friends, we work, I feel. Even when I read how he's always written, there are such similarities between us. The way we work idealistically -- except the fact that's he been stunted all his life and never really got any ideals of his own -- also seems to work, at least as a counterbalance. Our senses of humour are great together. I could go on, really.

    But, for some reason, he says he doesn't feel the same way, or at least past friendship. To me, a relationship is the closest friendship you can have, with courting and sex, of course, so it's that part that is the problem. He feels forced into that part, or that there are expectations. Honestly, it seems like a warning sign he feels that way, anyway, being a guy and all, and having had sex. He's also been attracted to other women, or at least their features, so the 'totally gay' thing is out as a possible cause, in my opinion.

    We just had a lot of problems. He grew up with a neglectful, cold, unloving, critical mom who also smothered him badly and said that he was her 'purse'. This is what I feel deep down hinders a lot, drove him to furries, and has basically thrown everything on its head and made it impossible.

    He told me to just go find someone healthier. God, I wish it were that simple.

    Anyway, I'm giving him his room for now. I know he's felt very controlled by people for most his life, especially me, and wants to break free. That's a big part of the issue now. I'm cool with that, of course, and totally love giving him his time. It's what I've always wanted. He used to be clingy too.

    I don't know what can be garnered from all of that blather.
     
  10. OP
    Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    I don't know what the hell country hopping is, but if it's anything like furries, then HELL NO. :D

    As to everything else, absolutely. I have an ENTP brother, I know what it's all about. He always wants me to hear his writing. Just don't keep me up until I have a panic attack at 5am, know what I'm saying?

    I've actually thought of this stance, and I appreciate it. The problem is, he is a part of me, to the point where I can feel a lot of what's going on with him in the moment. Of course, telepathy isn't something tested, but it's as real to me as any other sense, and it binds us together.

    The pain of loss is ok once or twice, but when it becomes an expected part of life, something in the brain loses it, I think.

    Thanks for the responses so far, guys. It really helps.
     
  11. alcyone

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    Hotherym Darling,

    First off, its great to see you back finally.

    Second, I'm emerging from a rather dark period myself. Our circumstances are quite different, but I think the place we were at is the same.

    Writing this here, is the first step to walking past it. It's always going to be there. These kinds of things make us who we are. The quest for perfection is both blessing and curse.

    Curse because when we are seeking for a mate, the loneliness seems overwhelming. Curse when walking away from a relationship it seems as though no one will ever be worth feeling for again.

    But it is a blessing in that we have high standards for ourselves. And won't accept less when our mates are capable of offering more. Blessing in that we also provide everything we ask for from a mate.

    Walk on Hotherym. Move through it all, and beyond. But don't budge until you are ready.
     
  12. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Travelling all around the world on planes, "hopping" from country to country.

    I won't keep you up until 5am, at least, not with my writing :)
     
  13. OP
    Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    Wow, thanks, Alcyone. :D I can definitely see your points.

    One thing is that I haven't quite budged yet, as you say, because something seems unsettled, possible.

    Let me explain.

    For the entirety of this relationship, dreams told me the truth. They told me to 'not marry the wolfboy,' for example. They told me what was happening with him. They told me of impending change, turmoil, and every time I wanted to run away but didn't. It didn't feel right yet, even if I did threaten breaking up myself.

    And now, he's made a change. What I can't tell is if it's the end. So, what do my dreams say, if they've always been right?

    Maybe they're false, but so far I've had only pleasant dreams with him, instead of the ones where he was a child who would run or someone who was hateful toward me. It just feels different.

    Now, it seems like my dreams are telling me that I'm no longer the person I was in his life, but that I need to relax and let something happen. It didn't feel like leaving in any of them, and so far he's seemed to admit they seem accurate.

    So, can I walk on yet? It doesn't feel right. Every fiber in me says so. It feels like this is rock bottom, and we haven't pushed to the surface.

    I hate these dreams, I hate this telepathy, but maybe it'll be useful someday.
     
  14. OP
    Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    Uh. Serious? I'm a fucking gypsy, sir, I live for travel. So that should answer your question.
     
  15. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    I want you.
     
  16. OP
    Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    Hahah, yes, but don't you want every girl on this board?

    Ooooh, wait, you just like the rebound girls. I get it.
     
  17. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    No. I want YOU. Admittedly I want every girl on this site as well. However we've been chatting for a long time and I've only flirted at you as a joke before because you weren't single.

    Now however you're opening up as a more serious possibility and I want to spend some serious time exploring the world, and you're an awesome fun person. We've also had some conversations that lead me to think you might be attracted right back.

    I want you.
     
  18. OP
    Hotherym

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    Hah, I like your bluntness. I wouldn't say I'm an awesome, fun person at this point. :D Morose, yes. Uh, deeply embittered and traumatized? Oh, a lot of that. Have I always been like that? Hardly.

    I just saw 'Yes Man!' the other day; you know, with Jim Carrey? I was pretty surprised at how his character was fairly on par with myself, in a lot of ways. Jaded, bad luck, avoidant, yet underneath adventurous. I guess the movie has the answer for me.

    Now if I weren't riddled with health problems (mostly stress induced).
     
    #18 Hotherym, Apr 19, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2009
  19. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    I've not seen that movie.

    Your awesomeness will return as soon as you're happy again. I want to make you happy again.

    I want you straddling me.
     
  20. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    I dunno it doesn't sound to me like the guy is completely compatible with you, and is thus not your soul mate. He might be in the future I don't know and I don't doubt that you love him.

    This is were I see some incompatibility


    Those would be some serious difficulties in a long term relationship. In love yes but soul mate, I am not so sure.



    Would you love him as a friend? Would you want that?

    I see three options for you

    1) be patient with him and see if he can work through his problems. If your convinced that he can work through them. Of course whilw not in a relationship with him.

    2) Be his friend and don't expect a relationship out of it.

    3) Let him go and try to move on.

    That probably a good idea, at least for now.

    Well I tried.
     
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