I'm a complete wreck

[deman14]

Ugh, god. Apologies in advance for dumping all of this when I never even visit.

I don't even know where to start with this. I've talked briefly in one thread about my relationship that was on the rocks. Well, it ended.

That would sound like a good thing, but...

We were actually working toward something positive, I felt. We had future plans, we seemed to feel a lot for each other. But worse than that was how I fell in love with him.

Basically, before I ever really knew he existed, I started to dream of a character that, over time, I became attached to within the dreams. I had no idea that this person could be real, but it had already happened once that I dreamt of a man who I later met, so I went in for it. Unlike the other guy, this guy seemed to like me back, and I felt a deep connection within the dreams.

Unbeknownst to me, a young man messaging me had wanted to get closer to me for quite a while. I never made the connection -- besides, the dreams started before that.

And then one day he showed me his picture. I went reeling backwards and started to ask him a lot of questions I had never done before. He matched, down to his family problems. I was shaken, infatuated and also horrified. Why horrified?

Well, he was a furry. He was sexually specifically into male anthropomorphic animals.

He eventually started to tell me he could get over them, that he could like women, that he would. We met and although the first meeting was very hot, after that he could never manage to, you know, perform. I wasn't sure why, but I still think it had to do with his messed up upbringing (that led to the furries in the first place -- long story).

Anyway, over the course of the last two years, we were able to be sexual. He was very romantic, sweet, and clumsy. We got into many fights because he'd often lie to me, out of fear and shame. It drove us both into the ground, eventually.

But over Christmas I spent a lot of time with him up in Canada, and stayed for two months. It felt like love, despite our remaining problems. I had no idea what was in store and lurking.

I don't know if I pushed it into the ground or exactly what happened, but just recently he decided to dump me. His reasons are he never felt anything toward me like that and he's possibly gay, I guess because of the furries. In reality, he says he has no real attraction to anyone. It seems all his attractions are in his head and not human at that.

I love him. I feel a deep, profound connection to him I never have with anyone else, not even a previous dream man. I'm suspecting we're both INFJ. I have lost almost my entire family, my parents both dying by the time I was 19 (my dad was incapacitated since I was 13, however, from stroke), and most of my family on their way out now. Obviously, I'm traumatized and clingy, so my brain is on overdrive to find someone with whom I can be stable and raise a family. But so much about he and I was a match, aside from these problems.

Now, there's nothing I can do. I still live with my previous lover/now best friend (a guy), and I don't know what I'd do without him I love him so much. But it's like every time I try to rebuild my family, it falls apart.

It's said there's also a curse in my family, cast by my great grandmother. I don't normally believe in these things, but the way things happen to me, I'm really, really reconsidering.

I still feel this guy and I fit. There are lots of reasons I feel for it coming to this point, but I feel so strongly all of it would be worth working through, and that he and I could have a very rewarding life together if understandings were considered. He says he's not totally closed to the idea, but wants me to see it as the end, anyway. Part of me does, and the part that is still connected can't be reasoned with. I have considered and reconsidered if this is just my PTSD clinginess speaking, insanity, or just blind hope, and it just doesn't feel like it. I think those things come into play because of how I feel but are not the cause of it.

I'm extremely monogamous by nature so this makes it even more difficult. But the feeling that he was 'the one,' just that many things stood in our way, won't leave me alone. I have never, ever felt that for anyone else, and I get the strong feeling I never will. When I was 12, I lied awake one night and the realization hit me suddenly that I'd always be alone in this way, that I'd never truly connect to anyone or it would be taken away somehow.

Has anyone had anything like this? Anything along the lines of feeling like they've met a 'soul mate'? Lost soul mates? I never even believed in the junk before this. Any advice is extremely, whole-heartedly appreciated.

So, yeah. Wreck.

Let me be the first of many to say that it's alright to cut loose here... I am very sorry about your situation and am able to relate to you on many levels.

Let's see... I met my soul mate back in the 9th grade, actually she approached me! We started talking and before I knew it, we we're dating. It felt so liberating to be able to relate with another human in this fashion, enjoying each others company with a sweet embrace...

To make a long story short, we dated more on than of for around 7 yrs. We'd split up occasionally due to stupid things (can't even remember what really) only to get back together within a few months tops. I had tried the whole college thing only to find that I wasn't quite ready yet and within a years time, I had moved back home. My parents were expecting me pull more weight than my own so I decided to move out and get my own pad. She'd moved in with me and we lived together for a little over a years time. It's funny all of the things you didn't notice before living with that person pertaining to their personalities and such.

On 10-19-07, I had discovered that she'd been cheating on me with some guy for around 2 months. This was a devastating revelation, never before in my life have I been so morbidly terrified/shaken to the core. I was under the impression that everything was willie-nillie, I mean, I know I'm not perfect but then again, who the hell is?

Needless to say, i gave her the boot. I'm very proud of how I'd handled the situation in retrospect; I was very calm whilst presenting her with the open condom wrapper and various notes that I'd found in her purse (I normally don't snoop unless I feel the need to verify something). The look on her face was absolutely priceless, she had nothing to say in her defense except that "I'd been meaning to tell you for quite some time now"...

To this day, I still don't understand why she did what she did. I've beat myself up day-in, day-out for well over a year now and I'm sick of it. There was absolutely no doubt that there was a unique bond, a coming together of the souls if you will. I guess that's why I'm stuck in this mental loop...

I'm sorry, I could go on for days about this but it won't do a damn bit of good... Believe me when I say the pain is easier to manage over time. It's not like I could just forget the whole ordeal but one is left with the option of either becoming a bitter or better person.

 

[alcyone]

Wow, thanks, Alcyone. I can definitely see your points.

One thing is that I haven't quite budged yet, as you say, because something seems unsettled, possible.

Let me explain.

For the entirety of this relationship, dreams told me the truth. They told me to 'not marry the wolfboy,' for example. They told me what was happening with him. They told me of impending change, turmoil, and every time I wanted to run away but didn't. It didn't feel right yet, even if I did threaten breaking up myself.

And now, he's made a change. What I can't tell is if it's the end. So, what do my dreams say, if they've always been right?

Maybe they're false, but so far I've had only pleasant dreams with him, instead of the ones where he was a child who would run or someone who was hateful toward me. It just feels different.

Now, it seems like my dreams are telling me that I'm no longer the person I was in his life, but that I need to relax and let something happen. It didn't feel like leaving in any of them, and so far he's seemed to admit they seem accurate.

So, can I walk on yet? It doesn't feel right. Every fiber in me says so. It feels like this is rock bottom, and we haven't pushed to the surface.

I hate these dreams, I hate this telepathy, but maybe it'll be useful someday.

Dreams suck, especially when they aren't telling you what you want to hear.

But listen to them. Even if you don't like what they are saying. The initial purpose you served for him has possibly passed. You've done what you could. Your relationship may evolve into something he wasn't ready for before. Maybe he's scared. I'm not there so I can only guess. You can lead the horse (or wolf as the case may be) to water but you can't make him drink.

He made a move. Let him make the next. But don't wait on him. Go out, do something. Or not. I can't describe what to do or why not to do anything. But you'll move on when you are ready.

 

[Hotherym]

I've not seen that movie.

Your awesomeness will return as soon as you're happy again. I want to make you happy again.

I want you straddling me.

Hey, you barely know what I look like. You just not getting laid enough?

I dunno it doesn't sound to me like the guy is completely compatible with you, and is thus not your soul mate. He might be in the future I don't know and I don't doubt that you love him.

This is were I see some incompatibility

Yeah. Where there are not compatibilities, that's where the problems are. But the problems to me, feel superficial rather than deep. When I 'met' him in dreams, he was far closer to how he is now. This is the first time I've glimpsed the 'soul' I met in the dreams and loved.

I think another problem is that he's felt too cornered, like I want something specific he couldn't give. In a way, that was true, but it was out of my own fears. It feels like my fears have pushed him away further. I made sex seem like it should be something he couldn't provide, even when he did enjoy it. Big problem. It felt if I had just left well enough alone, it may not be this bad. This is where my own fears have made us incompatible.

I don't know if that lends any insight.

Would you love him as a friend? Would you want that?

I see three options for you

1) be patient with him and see if he can work through his problems. If your convinced that he can work through them. Of course whilw not in a relationship with him.

2) Be his friend and don't expect a relationship out of it.

3) Let him go and try to move on.

I would definitely want to be friends with him--that's what happened with my guy friend in the past. But we both came to that on our own. We both consider ourselves 'soul friends,' and we're definitely compatible in most ways (another long story). It seemed a different situation than what the current guy and I have, however. It felt like we both wanted to be an island of two, and something more, but there was a huge brick wall in the way. I'd say that brick wall was made out of fear.

For some reason, my guy friend has had intimate proximity with the problem and feels sort of like I do, that I should wait and see, but that something isn't quite through yet. I don't know what that is.

As for moving on, the unfortunate connection seems to prevent that, at least right now. It's a scary situation that often gets overlooked.

I really thank you for your help. Have you had any experience with this sort of thing first hand? I feel so damn isolated with some of it, especially the apparent, um, connection?

 

[Shai Gar]

Facebook. I know precisely what you look like.

Since I'm not having sex with you, I'm definitely not having sex enough.

 

[Hotherym]

Let me be the first of many to say that it's alright to cut loose here... I am very sorry about your situation and am able to relate to you on many levels.

Let's see... I met my soul mate back in the 9th grade, actually she approached me! We started talking and before I knew it, we we're dating. It felt so liberating to be able to relate with another human in this fashion, enjoying each others company with a sweet embrace...

To make a long story short, we dated more on than of for around 7 yrs. We'd split up occasionally due to stupid things (can't even remember what really) only to get back together within a few months tops. I had tried the whole college thing only to find that I wasn't quite ready yet and within a years time, I had moved back home. My parents were expecting me pull more weight than my own so I decided to move out and get my own pad. She'd moved in with me and we lived together for a little over a years time. It's funny all of the things you didn't notice before living with that person pertaining to their personalities and such.

On 10-19-07, I had discovered that she'd been cheating on me with some shrek look-alike for around 2 months. This was a devastating revelation, never before in my life have I been so morbidly terrified/shaken to the core. I was under the impression that everything was willie-nillie, I mean, I know I'm not perfect but then again, who the hell is?

Needless to say, i gave her the boot. I'm very proud of how I'd handled the situation in retrospect; I was very calm whilst presenting her with the open condom wrapper and various notes that I'd found in her purse (I normally don't snoop unless I feel the need to verify something). The look on her face was absolutely priceless, she had nothing to say in her defense except that "I'd been meaning to tell you for quite some time now"...

To this day, I still don't understand why she did what she did. I've beat myself up day-in, day-out for well over a year now and I'm sick of it. There was absolutely no doubt that there was a unique bond, a coming together of the souls if you will. I guess that's why I'm stuck in this mental loop...

I'm sorry, I could go on for days about this but it won't do a damn bit of good... Believe me when I say the pain is easier to manage over time. It's not like I could just forget the whole ordeal but one is left with the option of either becoming a bitter or better person.

I wouldn't mind if you went on. Funny thing is, he approached me, too, and now he's the one who's wanted to leave. It feels like something could be worked out. My god, though, I know exactly the pain you must've felt, how horribly sickening that is. That's exactly what I feel.

Mental loop is an amazing way to put it. Seems you know just what I'm talking about here.

I'm so, so sorry for that pain, I can tell you from the heart.

I know time can make things less apparent, but I can't say for me that it always heals. The loss of my parents has left a large hole, and I'm scared this will, too. I feel him woven throughout me, and it scares me. The worse thing is, I almost feel he may have the same thing and just now know it.

I know one thing that is absolutely sure: I can't leave more family behind. Family is all you have in the end, aside from yourself.

Facebook. I know precisely what you look like.

Since I'm not having sex with you, I'm definitely not having sex enough.

Do I have you on Facebook? Christ, that's how much I check Facebook, or give a damn.

These come-ons are too much. How many women do you play in a given week?

Dreams suck, especially when they aren't telling you what you want to hear.

But listen to them. Even if you don't like what they are saying. The initial purpose you served for him has possibly passed. You've done what you could. Your relationship may evolve into something he wasn't ready for before. Maybe he's scared. I'm not there so I can only guess. You can lead the horse (or wolf as the case may be) to water but you can't make him drink.

He made a move. Let him make the next. But don't wait on him. Go out, do something. Or not. I can't describe what to do or why not to do anything. But you'll move on when you are ready.

You're very right about all of that. And that's what it felt like, like it could go to some next level it couldn't possibly reach before. The mistake I don't want to make is to rush it along. That's the hardest part of all of this.

I really thank you for your insights, though. Do you have the same kinds of dreams? I mean, I know INFJs probably all share stuff like that in common, but I know almost no one who has anywhere near insightful dreams. Or, if they do, they don't know it.

 

[Shai Gar]

DThese come-ons are too much. How many women do you play in a given week?

Play with, or tease?

I maybe play with one a week, I tease every day, in nearly every post.

It's fun.

 

[Shai Gar]

Seriously though. If you come to Australia; Stay in Darwin for a while. You're fun.

 

[Hotherym]

I was just talking about Australia earlier to my guy friend since he delivers pizza and delivered to an Aussie couple in a motel. I said I've always wanted to move there, but it's pretty much impossible to immigrate.

If you love me, you'll have to move here.

 

[alcyone]

I think a Dear So and So would be in order. Spill your guts. Say all the stuff you feel and all the stuff you'd never say to his face. Say all the things you feel.

It's not healthy for you to repress your emotions. They start to cloud your judgement and perceptions. And if your stress level is so high and so prolonged that it's spilling over into your physical health, you need to take a vacation.

If you could, I'd advise a vacation. Somewhere away. Something different to look at. It's so easy to lose who you are. Who is Hoytherm right now?

Maybe your dreams are also trying to tell you that you need to find you as well.

 

[Hotherym]

I think a Dear So and So would be in order. Spill your guts. Say all the stuff you feel and all the stuff you'd never say to his face. Say all the things you feel.

It's not healthy for you to repress your emotions. They start to cloud your judgement and perceptions. And if your stress level is so high and so prolonged that it's spilling over into your physical health, you need to take a vacation.

If you could, I'd advise a vacation. Somewhere away. Something different to look at. It's so easy to lose who you are. Who is Hoytherm right now?

Maybe your dreams are also trying to tell you that you need to find you as well.

My god, yes, you're absolutely right about all of that. Problem is, whoops, he asked for the link to this thread and I gave it to him. I rethought and told him to please not read it, but oh well. I guess it's destiny now.

I started a little diary thing before it ended that had all my feelings about this in it. I've since stopped because it pretty much summed it up. I have been emailing further insights to him as it's gone on, but that's not so private, anyway.

My dreams have definitely told me I've got to regain myself. You're very good. I know who I am, but for years now it's gotten further and further buried, mostly due to myself. Still, under it all, I remain, I peek out, and that little voice tells me things now and again. And, yes, it tells me through dreams.

That's why I don't want to ignore it now, either. I have to push past the destructive fear, into that inner calm, and it tells me things still. It's definitely more difficult than it used to be.

I would love a vacation, but I feel like I need to be close to people right now, too. Oddly enough, he agreed that he could come down for two weeks and go on a road trip with me. This is where I feel things can get worked out one way or the other. Patience is not my virtue, however, but I'm aware of that and keeping it in check as much as possible.

Also, everywhere I go is tainted with feeling. If I find I lost myself in something, the realization of what's really going on comes flooding back with force and knocks me over. That's something I really don't know how to deal with. I'm considering drugs for the time being.

Hmm....

I'm sorry if I don't seem open to you guys and your advice right now. I definitely am. I really appreciate all of this because, as sad as it is, I get pretty much none of it in real life. Man, what I wouldn't give for deep friends.

 

[Dutch Cake]

I have found having a safe place that is not home is a great way to relieve stress. Find a place that is comfortable and you can just relax. Meet people who go and who you can be you around. This is most important. I have staved off some really potentially horrible days by going to my safe place. I can sit and cry and if I don't want people I just tell people not today. Word gets spread and people leave you alone.

Also writing. Just writing and writing until you start to doodle. Be careful not to over think things though. You are your own worst critic and you could do so much damage. Write yourself a love letter and love yourself. It is so hard to realize how much love you deserve when your heart is broken. You do.

To let go of an intense relationship is the hardest thing to do. It takes time and willingness to do so. Don't rush yourself. Let yourself feel the pain of loss. Let yourself love. But don't hold on as it slips away. It may hurt, but the burden you let go of will lift you up. You will be happy. Just let it happen.

I go through heart break a lot. I have to go through certain steps everytime. If you plan it out it will be in some ways easier, but never easy.

I hope this helps some.

 

[alcyone]

Is He a member? If not he can't read your letter.

Anyhow, if I were you I'd take your road trip by yourself. It could be a time of thinking and reflection. Take someone who isn't going to put an emotional strain on you. Roadtripping alone is a great way to think.

And don't try drugs. They are band aids and will only draw out the anguish, problems, etc. And prevent you from either moving on, or moving up.

And we are all here for you. You can always find a shoulder or a sounding board here!

 

[Hotherym]

Is He a member? If not he can't read your letter.

Anyhow, if I were you I'd take your road trip by yourself. It could be a time of thinking and reflection. Take someone who isn't going to put an emotional strain on you. Roadtripping alone is a great way to think.

And don't try drugs. They are band aids and will only draw out the anguish, problems, etc. And prevent you from either moving on, or moving up.

And we are all here for you. You can always find a shoulder or a sounding board here!

He is, actually.

There's no way to take the road trip alone, unfortunately. I have good feelings about it, personally, and I know as much that it won't be stressful on me by then. I'm working through things enough for that, and if I could just spend some time with him, really sharing for once (we have never actually done that, ever), that's what I want.

Because, basically, we never got to truly know each other, either. That's the big step toward even having a close friendship.

By drugs I meant something like an SSRI for the time being, that's all.

Really appreciate it.

 

[alcyone]

Nope, not even an ssri.....those things are screwy.

Well, at the least, if he doesn't behave himself you can kick him out on the highway and tell him to walk his sorry bum home!

That should be incentive enough to keep things civil!

 

[Shai Gar]

I was just talking about Australia earlier to my guy friend since he delivers pizza and delivered to an Aussie couple in a motel. I said I've always wanted to move there, but it's pretty much impossible to immigrate.

If you love me, you'll have to move here.

Immigrating is easy. I could set it all up for you .

I can't emmigrate before november anyway. If I do, it won't be to france, but to Piran, Slovenia or to Budapest.

You'll be first on the "To Do" list.

 

[Hotherym]

Nope, not even an ssri.....those things are screwy.

Well, at the least, if he doesn't behave himself you can kick him out on the highway and tell him to walk his sorry bum home!

That should be incentive enough to keep things civil!

Bah, I'd never do that. But I do feel it would be ok. That part of our problems is most likely over.

 

[alcyone]

YOu might never do that...

But it is so nice to think about.

 

[Dutch Cake]

You could be nice and put him in the trunk if you feel bad leaving him on the side of the road. At least he will get home quicker and you don't have to listen to him or sit in heavy awkward silence.

 

[alcyone]

Or tie him to the top.

I feel so mean right now.

And I think someone else on this forum now hates my guts!

 

[Shai Gar]

Let's just hope he's english. Because as we all know, the english don't matter