I'd love help determining my type again please

I'm currently questioning my type again. When I first signed on with the forum, I was just re-entering a relationship again, to my current boyfriend. A bit about the background there:

We were together for two years previous to our breakup at the end of may last year. During the two years, we lived a really stressful existance because of his addiction, and we weren't getting any specific help for it. I was living with feelings of strong disappointment due to being lied to, and of course, I found it difficult to trust him. He was dealing with his own inner experiences, and we parted ways for three months. Towards the end of august last year, we were talking about reconsiling. I needed proof that he was going to get help before I considered being with him again. He agreed, and has been very diligent for the most part with his recovery to this day. I am going to the family of the addict group too, so that I can re-establish some broken ground that I experienced within my own life, due to the two years I had spent with him. Aslo, with the 12 steps, it's an amazing way to face my own past patterns to come to understand my own dysfunction that was present even before I met him...

During the three months we were apart (may to august), I felt light, free and relieved. My time was not spent obsessing on wheather or not he was practicing while I was at work etc. and I found I could breathe for the first time in a couple of years. I felt back to normal for the most part, and that's when I took the MBTI test and scored INFJ. When I signed up with this forum at the end of august when we were in the process of reconsiling, I know I was full of fear, pain and confusion. I know that many of my early posts do not resinate as true for me anymore when I go back and read them.

What I need from you:

A type you think I might be, and your reasons why.

I am also going to try and make a video post this weekend. My intention with that, is to try and answer any questions people may have for me, thus, my responses can be analyzed. Sorry this is so long!! ... and thanks

 

Well...I see the thread has had several views and no comments, so I must indeed be hard to type! lol

 

thats the problem, right now, I just don't know anymore...

I think I'm very much J in some ways, and very much a P in other ways. Now, it seems to be a juggling act to decide which one weighs heavier if you know what I mean.

 

I think with being very P, it stems from strong emotions around the past issue with my relationship. Fi is stronger here for me with regards to my boyfriend because of how much of my heart and soul I put into the relationship to help him while he was unhealthy. I had poor boundaries for a long time, and tried to begin to control him and everything in the household which was met with resistance and resentment. I had had enough of caring for him and having empathy for him. I was tired of always feeling confused, and that maybe I was wrong and he was right. I felt manipulated a lot, and even unsure of if manipulation was even occuring, then just concluded I was crazy. So yea, I think as trust builds, I will be able to relax and slip into a more relaxed state like I was before when we first met. (I was unaware of the addiction then).

I am J with the rest of my life. I have noticed my feelings to be more like sensations, just like they used to be before I met him. I tend to live in my head more, and am less able to determine at any given moment how I am feeling. Usually, I am quite spiritually healthy, and spend much of my time contemplating life with all it's meanings, and how those meanings apply to the world around me. (but I am not flaky). My Ni and Fe is stronger now, because there is room to relax and be "me".

I wish I could come up with more concrete and conclusive ways to descrive my J, because I know that at times I have figured that part out but have not written it down so I don't forget it. My mind never switches off anymore, lol. However, all in all, I am much happier these days, and I guess that's the main thing. I still really need to define a type for myself though, so that I can view myself clearly as to what part of me fits with what part of one type description, rather than a few bits of me fitting with one type, and a few more bits of me fitting with another type.

I wish I had a better way to say it, I'm sure it will come in time. Probably in another post.

 

Thank you for this May, I will look into this more. I also think that the deep acceptance of how things are in the world, isn't always there for me though. It's a way of thinking that helps me deal with reality when I believe things to be unfair, yet I cannot control them, so I have to learn to accept them. It's been a lifelong battle, and easier to apply to others than to myself, that's for sure. I am still no where near mastering this gift, but I try.

 

Okies

 

I thought I might write up random things that come to mind which could help type me. It might help lightbulbs go on for myself too:

-I used to draw a lot when I was a child. I painted as well, and quite good at it, but I stopped because there were others who were better than I was, and I would compare myself to them.

-I write mainly after an unhappy event in my life occurs. It's always been my way of "talking about it" while not actually talking about it with anyone. My journals and poems were always like my way of having an actual record of events because I knew I wouldn't remember most things due to chronic traumatic living conditions while growing up. Often times, also throughout my adulthood as well.

-I can't actually remember when things between my boyfriend and myself were bad. Because things have so much more greatly improved now and have become more normal, I don't know what it used to be like, because I don't live in the past. I only know the present feeling in the relationship, and have a hopes, dreams and direction for the future. (that's not to say that I feel this way at all times because there are occasions where I feel really bothered by something or other). However, for the most part, I see him in a much better light than before.

-I still no matter what, can't accept myself for certain things because I feel I fail at certain things in my life. I still feel I don't meet my own standards for perfection like I believe I should.

 

Thanks Jenn, I'll try the Nan Uni and see if I can get the further testing. It helps to hear from someone who has seen me irl!