Not feeling good enough for a decent man
There has been a lot of arguing going on here, but most of it has been impersonal, all theory and no concrete examples from your lives. I agree with thirtiesgirl, BUT, I also understand where the girl who made the original statement that women sometimes go for bad guys because they don't feel worthy is coming from. It can happen, even to strong women. Here is my very personal example, and I hope it doesn't bore you.
I have not been single for almost 25 years, so I hesitated to post, but from what I've seen in the young women in our family and families of friends, and in the media, the problem I want to talk about has gotten even worse since I was last single.
I agree with most of what thirtiesgirl said and thought she said it well. When I was single and never married, I had no problems with self-worth either. I was slim and very good looking, which helped. And,that is the problem. I have not heard it mentioned here, but it is a major problem that causes huge damage to self-worth: Fatness and imagined fatness. It was funny how the "great personality" I kept hearing guys mention when they approached me suddenly disappeared when I gained even a little extra weight.
Disclaimer: This may not be PC, but I don't give a damn about being PC. I have never yet met a man of color who wanted a pipe cleaner shaped woman. "Baby Got Back" was a hit for a reason. This obsession with skeletal thinness seems to me to be almost totally a white problem. I was thinner than Beyonce when my problems with men over my supposed weight problem started.
The problem with self-worth occurred during the 7 years I was a divorcee. I definitely had the problem of not feeling worthy of a good guy, just as Barnabus stated. I had gained enough to be 12 pounds overweight. Notice I said 12 pounds, not 100 lbs. The gain happened when I moved to Florida, where I could no longer walk to work, due to the humidity and heat, and so I gained about 15 lbs. almost immediately, once my five mile daily walk was gone. To make up for that, I took Jazzercise 2 nights a week and Dancercize 3 nights a week, followed every night by running a mile and doing 15 laps in the pool where I lived. No dice. The weight stayed on and was all in the right places, but Florida is like California, in that you must be pencil thin and people are more looks oriented by far than they are where I come from. I was well within the doctor's weight norms, but in our society, the bottom of the normal weight scale is about 20 pounds above what is considered acceptable now.
Girlfriends I made here told me I would be lucky to get any dates at all, and should be glad I could get a man, even a mooch or an alcoholic. I had a job where I never met anyone, and I don't drink and am allergic to smoke, so bars were not my scene. So, I went on lots of blind dates with men who were downright ugly, really fat or pencil thin, trying to cheat on someone, had dead end jobs that paid less than mine, did not have a college degree like I do, were not smart like me, smoked, which disgusts me and I am also allergic to it, and a couple did not even have a car! Back then you did not have eharmony or match.com. You had 3 lines in a special newspaper, and could not be specific enough to rule out all the duds. Many of these guys were not very nice either, and none were kind about my 12 pound "problem". Some were alcoholics or dry drunks. What I heard over and over again verbatim was: "If you'd lose ten pounds, you'd be perfect, but we'll have to be just friends because of your extra weight". I was always nice and never pointed out any of the many flaws that had already disqualified them in my eyes.
You bet I started to feel unworthy. Nobody seemed to see any of my good attributes. I was also furious because I was not really fat. I began to feel intense emotional pain for the women who were truly fat, and I figured with the hell I was being put through, they literally had no chance of ever making anyone see their great inner beauty and all they had to offer. How must it feel for a 175 lb. woman to be rejected as too fat by a 250 lb. man? I saw this and still see this over and over and it makes my blood boil.
Thanks to the progression of a serious illness which affects metabolism, I am now one of those people who is truly fat, but I eventually (it took six years of looking) found a really good man, who was realistic about his own looks and who wanted some very specific things he was having trouble finding in a woman, but found in me, and who also wanted something other than a pencil woman (he likes big breasts and knows the real ones don't come on pencil bodies).
I do not think this is as big a problem everywhere. While I was divorced and looking, a male friend from back home in Wisconsin visited me and was appalled at the guy I was dating at the time, pointing out that I would not have given him the time of day back home. When I explained this obsession with weight here in Florida, he told me to save money, quit my job, come home for a couple months, during which time I could easily find a great guy, and convince him to move to Florida. (I should mention that I have to live in a hot place due to a serious health problem, otherwise I would still be in Wisconsin).
I have a niece here in Florida who is very pretty, but she is 20 lbs. overweight. It is all proportional, but though she's had many dates and relationships, not one has ever been white. When I asked why, she said it is because of her weight. She works out at a gym 6 days a week and does the best she can. Luckily, she does not care what color a man is and neither do her parents.
I overheard the son of our best friends, who is otherwise a great guy, telling his girlfriend that if she ever gained any weight, they were through. This girl is at least 20 lbs. underweight and has NO breasts. To stay that way, she eats next to nothing, and I have never seen her eat any protein at all. Her bones are going to be breaking before she is 35 at this rate.
I think it takes great strength to keep your self esteem, when surrounded by a peer group and media all telling you that you have a characteristic, no matter what it is, that makes you unlovable. I was a strong person, but I became much too influenced by the crowd I was hanging out with, and it took me four years and meeting my present husband to break the spell and go back to believing in myself. I also ditched all but one of those "friends" as well and made new ones who had less shallow values.
klutzo
