I need to hear from the females of this forum.

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Barnabas

Barnabas

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I have a quick question and a fairly quick storry tied in with it.

I was talking to my roommate the other night and he told me about one of his classes he had during the week.

It was a counseling related class(not sure which one), My roomate asked a question why young women seem to always choose to date a few terrible boyfriends before they find Mr. Right, why would they choose such obviously bad people to have relationships with.

He got one responce, one young lady replied "Because we don't feel like were good enough".

Does this ring true for any of our female members? explain?
 
Well, I dunno if that's necessarily true...I mean, there's also image involved. In the younger years, it seems "cooler" to date the hot shot; there are tons of movies where the guy is Mr. Bad or does something that hurts the girl, but in so many of them, the ending is that the guy realizes his mistake and they are so in love, etc.

Also, people are desperate to fall in love. They take who they can get or who fits the image, thinking that they can ignore the differences or change the other person. That really just doesn't work though, and sometimes it takes a while for them to realize it.
 
I've personally waited a looong time before I let myself date anyone. I'm happy I waited---I guess you could say I'm not the typical girl though. I have a good head on my shoulders and my analytical ironically always goes before my heart. It's all in all to protect my own heart for someone who deserves me.
 
Before marriage I dated all kinds of weird guys and my father actually called me on the carpet about it. I told him that it was logical for me to date all kinds of men to determine which ones I liked and which ones I didn't. How else was I going to figure out my lifelong partner?
That was my logical side justifying why I did it. I also liked the thrill of dating someone obviously not "marriageable" material. Because most of them were "bad". Just like Gloomy Optimist pointed out.
Seriously though - how else is a young woman to discover who she can live with and who she can't if you don't try the spectrum of what's available?
Besides. It takes a person a long time (or a lot of life in a short time) to get to really know themselves doesn't it? Maybe the young ladies don't really know who they are at that stage in their life.
The issue of being worthy (or good enough) is "worthy" of another discussion. :nod:
 
I'd be a good one to ask...

and yes it's true, I never have felt I was good enough. I don't believe I went into any relationship conciousely thinking; "I'm not good enough", but it tended to manifest intself in the way that I have felt confused when things have become abusive and I have wondered if it was my fault for their behavior.

Also, I have found myself too afraid to approach guys who I knew were awesome people because I felt inferior to them, rather than equal. Sadly, I have always had this stupid low self esteem hanging on to me, and instead I have felt more acceptable to guys who gave off the "I'm not good enough" attitude also. With these guys, it's always manifested into a unhealthy relationship somewhere along the way, when we discovered that eachother's weaknesses and our reactions to them, were really a reflection on how we both felt about ourselves. So yea even at my old age, I still have the nasty inferiority complex that I would rather not contend with, so I would just choose to be single, rather than trying to work on myself so that I could find and feel equal to a healthy partner.

Also for me, my BDD has played the main part in why I feel inferior to a good partner, because I've always been convinced that I would be abandoned for someone better looking than me. I have never been able to accept that who I am inside is actually what a person sees in me, because my appearance is too powerful for me to look beyond to see my inner worth. I'm not sure that I'd be the exception to this concept; I believe that more females feel the same way, but will not be inclined to admitt it.
 
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I agree with the statements about trying out guys, wanting to give a guy the benefit of the doubt and just seeing what works. I don't go into a relationship wanting to be abused and hurt, but if thats how it ends up thats how it ends up. Sometimes a guy seems great for months, then ends up being a douche or a bastard. How are we to tell? No one is obvious and fully figured out/revealed in a week or 2.

Also, maybe some of us end up choosing them because they are the ONLY ONES asking us out. When I was available, anyone could have asked me out, but I tended to only get jerks. Hell, even when I'd try asking out a guy I liked first, it wouldn't float cause that nice guy would freak at the social pressure (or whatever) and get all nervous, and sheep out of it without actually saying no. After a few of those in highschool and collage I stopped, I felt unwanted (in the sense that I had made myself look too masculine) and decided to let them come to me, like all the other girls do.

I would hardly call this a sudden lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and more just rather not bothering with playing the game the wrong way. I wasn't so desperate to get a guy that I'd take a million rejections to get one taker if they'd just come to me. (I feel I'm getting offended by the question now, since the stereotype of "all those good girls always take the worst guys" suggests we are all naive, blind and stupid.)

If they won't take me, how do I date the good men? Also, not all of us are "surrounded" with "the right guy" all of our lives like the stereotype also suggests (and we are just too blind to see them). All men are along the spectrum of good and bad, with their flaws and good points, and all men are capable of changing to worse in a relationship.

I am so glad I managed to get a BRAVE good man.

LASTLY: If you don't get any practice in having relationships, you won't be skilled enough in their practice to be able to be with that ideal man anyways. Relationships are a skill, imo. You have to make mistakes and fail some in order to learn, grow, and become better at having relationships. Ideal man or not.
 
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I never felt I had to date a terrible boyfriend because I wasn't good enough.

I have described some really decent guys in a negative way after a breakup, and so I wonder how many women have actually had a terrible boyfriend, and how many just exaggerate the negative qualities of an ex.
 
I think on some level the "good guys" like "damaged goods". Possibly because they have low self esteem themselves and get esteem by rescuing those poor ladies.
 
uberrogo said:
I think on some level the "good guys" like "damaged goods". Possibly because they have low self esteem themselves and get esteem by rescuing those poor ladies.
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So I need to act hurt, damaged and in need of rescue to actually find a good man?...O.O

*has an epiphany as to why she's still single*
 
My assumption is that the reasons for a woman entering into a relationship with a "bad boy" are extremely diverse. I can relate to the notion of not feeling worthy of anything better. But for me, it went beyond that. I think subconsciously, I was trying to fix a past failed relationship. In a way I was trying to prove myself worthy. I've always sought out those who maintain a distance, often being less emotionally engaged. It's like somehow I am trying to rectify the relationship I didn't have with my father. If another seemingly distant, unloving man were to suddenly take an interest in me, it would mean I was worthy. I would feel assured that the reason my father abandoned me had more to do with his inabilities as opposed to my inadequacies.
 
Odyne said:
So I need to act hurt, damaged and in need of rescue to actually find a good man?...O.O

*has an epiphany as to why she's still single*
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Well I dont think the good guys are all that good. they are just bad in a different way and are good at hiding their flaws. I mean what kind of guy waits around all his adolescence while his future woman gets used and abused just so that he can rescue her once she has a self esteem lower than his?


naturally doesnt apply to everyone sorry to derail


but i could still be on to something!
 
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I don't see why I can't just date "mr.right"s. It is my philosophy that I should be able to be proud of my significant other.

"bad boys" are overated and a total waste of time and energy. If people are going to change, they need to change from within. I don't see the purpose of involving yourself in a relationship in with no benefit and potential harm.

I don't expect to find Mr. Right for me right away or anything. I just don't plan to date a load of losers... ever.

If that means i'll be lonely for a long time, so be it. Luckily the world is filled with plenty of decent people.
 
uberrogo said:
Well I dont think the good guys are all that good. they are just bad in a different way and are good at hiding their flaws. I mean what kind of guy waits around all his adolescence while his future woman gets used and abused just so that he can rescue her once she has a self esteem lower than his?


naturally doesnt apply to everyone sorry to derail


but i could still be on to something!
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So we're back to "bad" guys...only with a new definition of bad.

Well, to be fair, guys (good guys) also date "bad" girls and get abused emotionally in the relationship.

to be honest, I would not date a man who has a lower self-esteem than me, and my self esteem is HUGE! I like a confidant man who can carry his own weight. But I wouldn't date an arrogant fu**tard who's nothing but an empty shell. My man will have to be well developed emotionally and intellectually, which is rare to find.

*has another epiphany as to why she's still single*

Back to Barnabas' question, I never dated "bad" men. I stay away when I sniff a bad seed. I have dated one good man, but I don't consider it a relationship because circumstances did not allow for it to last long. However, I was never subject to emotional abuse in a relationship. I have in a friendship tho, but that's because he came off as a completely different person when I first met him, and then I got to know the real side of him, and when I did, I didn't want to give up on him so easily, but things are over now. There's only so much one can do.

I have never felt inferior, or notl worth a good man. If they weren't so shy and hidden all the time, I wouldn't mind having one right now as a matter a fact. lol!

Jokes aside, I think it's hard to tell if someone is good or bad at the beginning, and it depends on what you consider good or bad. So really, relationships are nothing but trial and error, and a lil bit of faith.
 
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From my experience, some girls tend to "friend zone" good guys because these guys appear not attractive enough, not interesting enough, etc. for them. A lot of girls seek excitement in a relationship rather than stability (a lot of guys do too!) and so they end up with the "bad" boys. I am not sure whether or not this has anything to do with self-esteem.

I am also curious as to what you mean by "terrible boyfriends". Guys with a criminal record? Guys who cheat? Guys who abuse?
 
kita said:
I never felt I had to date a terrible boyfriend because I wasn't good enough.

I have described some really decent guys in a negative way after a breakup, and so I wonder how many women have actually had a terrible boyfriend, and how many just exaggerate the negative qualities of an ex.
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I also agree with this, going off my previous statement. A lot of the times a guy might actually be "a good guy", but the ex potrays him in a negative way. This happens with guys too-- you know every guy has at least one "psycho ex".
 
I don't portray girls in a negative light afterwards...
I have girls who have fond memories
I have girls who hate my guts
I hate one girl who actually was psychotic...
 
I've dated a bastard before, that was because I didn't know what he was really like until after we got together. I do not actively seek men to treat me badly, however you can not necessarily tell what people will be like. Some people are deceptive of their real self in order to attract people.
I ended up staying with him for quite a while because I didn't feel good enough, but it's not what led me into the relationship.
 
it's because assholism is sexy!
 
Barnabas said:
I have a quick question and a fairly quick storry tied in with it.

I was talking to my roommate the other night and he told me about one of his classes he had during the week.

It was a counseling related class(not sure which one), My roomate asked a question why young women seem to always choose to date a few terrible boyfriends before they find Mr. Right, why would they choose such obviously bad people to have relationships with.

He got one responce, one young lady replied "Because we don't feel like were good enough".

Does this ring true for any of our female members? explain?
Click to expand...

No.... it doesn't exactly ring true so much for me, and I don't really understand this. I don't know... I never really went through this.

I did have one bad experience with someone who I suppose could qualify as a semi-terrible boyfriend when I was young, and after that, I pretty much decided "F... this, I want to be with a man who loves me and treats me well." And after that it was my #1 requirement, and besides, I am perfectly happy being alone if my only other choice is being with an abusive jerk.

Could have something to do with the fact that I grew up with brothers, and came to the conclusion very early that 1. being treated like crap gets old quick, and 2. you don't have to tolerate it. It's not so much that I think I specifically am "good enough" to be treated well, it's more that I think everyone is, including me, and I would not want to be the abuser or the abusee.
 
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