I met an INFJ. She's amazing. We've had some great talks. I don't want to ruin this. All input w

[Sesquipedalian]

INFJ ladies, your input is gold here. You're the rarest type, so I don't know who else to go to. I'm a bit of an insomniac sometimes so I figured I'd use my time well by approaching this community with something that's been on my mind and heart.

I'm 99% certain that the girl I met recently is an INFJ and I don't want to mess this up because I know INFJs are incredibly private people and getting into that inner sanctum of relational intimacy (I'm not talking sex, just closeness) is both rare and a great privilege.

Essentially, we went on a young adults church retreat and met there. She played ultimate frisbee with me and some others there and she was great at it (really surprised me. Athletic, competitive, and a great sport). We lost but we didn't care, it was fun. As we walked away from the field I showed her where the water fountains were that I'd found (they were in an out-of-the-way place) and she stuck with me. We ended up playing corn hole just her and me (throwing bean bags into a hole in a board basically).

As we played I asked her about herself... favorite things, what she does, etc.

- She does ballet professionally. I just love artistry in a person. I was a competitive gymnast and I can appreciate the athletic skill and artistic talent of dance.
- When I asked her what she likes, she said READING (YESSSS), physics, and philosophy. We like the same type of fantasy books, I like nerdy stuff like physics, rubik's cubes, computers, etc. and I love talking about the deeper things in life.
- She's exceedingly intelligent, something I've found I really value in a significant other over the years. When you're on the same page there it just helps and I can tell by talking to her that she's very very sharp.
- We like the same movies and music too! (We're facebook friends and saw it in her info. I like weird niche bands... She had most of them in her profile)
- She sounds like an exceptional cook. Cooking is an art I've always wanted to learn and I think it's great she's into that. I'm sure she has many other hidden talents I've just not heard about.
- She loves the outdoors... Hiking, camping, etc. I love nature.
- She's just absolutely lovely and has a wonderful heart. I can tell she's a deep person, perhaps even an "old soul". She's genuine and kind. Her dream after ballet? To be a mother. Some might find that cliche or lame. I think it's a great aspiration. I want a family someday and while I don't want to get ahead of myself, I think that's great that she wants that. Plus, she has class. The way she carries herself, the way she dresses, even her hair. She always has these intricate braids and buns and things I never see anyone else do. It's like she's from another era.
- I think we could be GREAT together... But I don't know really where her head's at regarding me or dating in general... Read on for insight.

I asked her to lunch after church recently and she agreed. After the church service let out some friends invited us to eat with them. She seemed open to either idea. I asked her if she had a preference and she seemed fine with either, deferring to me, so I said "Lets do our own thing."

I drove her to a local Mexican place and we had what I felt was a great talk... Just about beliefs and likes and truth... How trends in nature can parallel truths of life, etc. I loved it. After it was all over and I dropped her off at her car back at church, gave her a hug, and she kind of hesitantly said, "So I'll see you... next Thursday?" (we go to the same Bible study on Thursdays). I told her I'd be there and we split.

Okay, fast forward a couple of days. I'm volunteering for a benefit at church for needy families and she happened to sign up for it too. I hung out with her, and tried to chat but she seemed distant... When we were eating afterward (we ate the leftovers from the food provided) a female friend of hers was around and when we talked she barely even looked at me. It was like she didn't want to be rude but didn't want to be around me. I wasn't sure. I felt that sickening sense of desperation well up in me when you're afraid of losing something you hope for but don't really have and tried hard not to crowd her. At other times that night she was very nice. She even opened up telling me that she has painful corns on her feet that have really been hurting her lately. Okay, so that's not a pleasant image, but it's a personal detail she didn't have to share. I'd mentioned a local area to her that's close to both of us and has beautiful walking trails. I know she likes the outdoors so I asked if she wanted to go there this weekend. She half-said half-mumbled something about how she tries not to do things like that before a show (she's performing Swan Lake at the end of this month). No "maybe some other time" or "that sounds great but I'd better not"... Maybe it was just my mindset at the time, but I got a weird vibe.

Fast forward a day, I see status on her facebook saying she misses her family terribly (she moved up to my state all alone).

Fast forward another day (we're now to Thursday). I feel like I've weirded her out or something so I decide to just back off and leave her alone for a bit. She comes to the bible study and I'm around the front door. I say hey, she greets me in return and smiles then goes inside. I don't follow her or try to strike up a conversation or anything. I just let her do her thing. The MOMENT it's over she b-lines it for the exit. She didn't seem to socialize with anyone save for the girl next to her as she was sitting down.

At this point I don't know what to do. I told her about a hiking trip I intend to plan a while back (before our lunch date) and she seemed very interested. I feel like our conversations have gone well but maybe I'm just delusional. Maybe she thinks I'm weird or too old (we're 5 years apart... While I wouldn't date someone 5 years younger than me normally, she's so above and beyond everyone else her age and intellect that I'm open to it)...or maybe it's just bad timing and she does like me and is depressed or super homesick. I dealt with a lot of depression earlier in life when I didn't have the right coping mechanisms to handle it and know how it can just turn you in on yourself so that you have no desire to be around anyone else.

...I read that INFJs sometimes withdraw into themselves at times and figured it could be that. I just don't know... I am so seldom attracted to anyone in a few areas let alone virtually ALL AREAS. She really nails every major wish I could have for a significant other plus some, but I'm not a creep... If she's not interested I understand that.

I hope to go see her perform swan lake in a couple of weeks. I just don't want to blow this you guys, even if the most it could be is a friendship. She's one of those exceptional jewels that you never see - like a pink diamond. Part of me wants to do something really sweet like just buy her flowers since she seems to have had a rough week, but that's the kind of thing that is great in romance movies and can creep people out in real life.

From an INFJs perspective, what do you think of all I've said? I just don't know what to do next...

 

[bagelriffic]

she might be setting up boundaries, maybe shes a bit timid, infj or not. if i were in this situation i'd just give her some space, i mean i'd keep checking in, do my thing, she probably knows you're interested, but i wouldn't try to rush her or force her to talk about it.

if she's not interested there might be an underlying factor, she might change her mind, might not but at that point i'd figure it's out of my hands. maybe try to convince her otherwise but there's only so much you can do. either way i'd suggest keep doin what you're doin until you know more and goodluck.

 

[arbygil]

To be honest (and I like your story! I hope it works out!), it could be that she recognizes the connection as well but because she doesn't know *your* take on it, she's being very cautious about it. When we're not sure if something is right, or if we're not sure if we're reading the picture correctly, we will withdraw.

It sounds to me as if she really like you as well, but since you haven't said flat out that you like her, she's keeping her distance. Go see her performance of Swan Lake, but tell her that you like her - really like her - and that you'd like to date her if she's okay with it. You have to spell it out for us. We instinctively "know" that this dating stuff might be happening, but unless you flat out say what you feel we'll keep our distance for fear of misreading the situation.

That's my take anyway. I hope it all works out for you, and that God's timing is just!

 

[DimensionX]

You mentioned that her facebook page said that she's missing her home terribly. What if you kinda introduced some stuff from where shes from? like some foods or activities that remind her of home, that kinda thing, that way it's not only being more supportive and respectful of the situation she's in but also it's quite intimate. During that time I wouldn't push so much more just be there a little for her and then maybe the next time ask her out probably but give her the option of choosing to just be friends.

Did she move for the ballet? or was it something else?.....actually either way, I wouldn't pry with that kinda stuff, let her tell if when and if she's ready to.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

Update: Ran into her at church today. A group of us went to lunch. We sat next to each other. It was great - totally natural. She told me (without me asking) that she rushed out of the Thursday night bible study because her and some friends had made a prior commitment and they were all waiting on her. I'm feeling much better about it all

she might be setting up boundaries, maybe shes a bit timid, infj or not. if i were in this situation i'd just give her some space, i mean i'd keep checking in, do my thing, she probably knows you're interested, but i wouldn't try to rush her or force her to talk about it.

if she's not interested there might be an underlying factor, she might change her mind, might not but at that point i'd figure it's out of my hands. maybe try to convince her otherwise but there's only so much you can do. either way i'd suggest keep doin what you're doin until you know more and goodluck.

She is definitely very reserved. I think taking it slow is the wise avenue.

To be honest (and I like your story! I hope it works out!), it could be that she recognizes the connection as well but because she doesn't know *your* take on it, she's being very cautious about it. When we're not sure if something is right, or if we're not sure if we're reading the picture correctly, we will withdraw.

It sounds to me as if she really like you as well, but since you haven't said flat out that you like her, she's keeping her distance. Go see her performance of Swan Lake, but tell her that you like her - really like her - and that you'd like to date her if she's okay with it. You have to spell it out for us. We instinctively "know" that this dating stuff might be happening, but unless you flat out say what you feel we'll keep our distance for fear of misreading the situation.

That's my take anyway. I hope it all works out for you, and that God's timing is just!

Thanks! Just bought swan lake tickets (Ballet tickets are expensive!!! I'm hoping someone in a good seat doesn't show so I can move to that because even "nosebleed" was expensive lol). I'll let things naturally progress for now. I'll look for moments when we can talk openly and I can tell her how I feel. I'm finally mature enough to remain friends with a girl I've asked out of she's not interested so I believe we could continue to have a good friendship even if she doesn't feel the same as me.

You mentioned that her facebook page said that she's missing her home terribly. What if you kinda introduced some stuff from where shes from? like some foods or activities that remind her of home, that kinda thing, that way it's not only being more supportive and respectful of the situation she's in but also it's quite intimate. During that time I wouldn't push so much more just be there a little for her and then maybe the next time ask her out probably but give her the option of choosing to just be friends.

Did she move for the ballet? or was it something else?.....actually either way, I wouldn't pry with that kinda stuff, let her tell if when and if she's ready to.

She moved for the ballet. She is close to her family and loves them. I actually grew up in her home state, so we have that commonality as well. She told me she applied with ~10 ballet companies, and that this was her best option.

We shall see I'm just excited it's not weird. Man, I was getting strange vibes last Wednesday. She must've been really tired or low at the time.

 

[88chaz88]

Take it from me, all you need is some tacos and a large net.

 

[hylas89]

Don't know what to say other than good luck! I'm also a male INTJ who's going crazy over a female INFJ. Good luck to the both of us! Ha! =D

 

[Sesquipedalian]

Take it from me, all you need is some tacos and a large net.

She does have a penchant for Mexican xD

Don't know what to say other than good luck! I'm also a male INTJ who's going crazy over a female INFJ. Good luck to the both of us! Ha! =D

Thanks man. We INTJs have so much to offer (as do INFJs). I just hope our prospective womenses recognize this I think INTJs and INFJs are the ultimate pair. One feeler, one thinker, both usually highly intelligent, both usually highly artistic. If superman and wonder woman had babies, they'd be intjs and infjs.

 

[arbygil]

I think INTJs and INFJs are the ultimate pair. One feeler, one thinker, both usually highly intelligent, both usually highly artistic. If superman and wonder woman had babies, they'd be intjs and infjs.

I think Wonder Woman's the INTJ.

 

[KorJax]

I'm finally mature enough to remain friends with a girl I've asked out of she's not interested so I believe we could continue to have a good friendship even if she doesn't feel the same as me.
.

This is good at least

I'm honestly surprised your an INTJ - because from the sounds of things you almost sound like an INFJ yourself! The only INTJ I know is a complete loner to the point that he doesn't really like to do much of anything socially and instead keeps completely to himself and his thoughts (which is totally fine of a thing to do), and he is totally okay with that. On the contrary if I was in that situation I'd not be too okay with it despite being introverted and despite me not wanting to show it

If you really are an INTJ you must be a pretty mature/developed one to have gone this far in showing your support to her (or I've not really known enough INTJ's!). I was always under the impression that INTJ's are too cold and distant for someone like me to feasably date

The thing about INFJ's is that its super easy to get us to "melt" to someone in the moment, but I am personally fearful of that feeling because I know how much I attach myself (unhealthily) to those feelings, and how easy it is to get screwed over by someone else should you feel that way to someone who really doesn't care, know what they are doing, or is insincere. An INFJ with experience with those feelings I imagine would be very distant at first to people they like, because they don't want to become too attached too soon and etc.

I don't think you have too much to worry about that though. Showing that you are thoughtful twoards her is the best route - because it's no so hard and advancing to trigger the warm "melting" feeling prematurily (which would personally cause me to retreat a bit... but no harm done unless you keep doing it), and it's not shallow enough to come off as a concieted uninterested person.

 

[Stella]

She sounds like a great girl!

From my experience, I'll often tone way down my interactions with a guy if I'm not sure he likes me as well. Like, way tone down to the point I avoid him. It sucks, and I may have even pushed away a few guys in this way. I'm not sure if this is purely an INFJ thing or just a girl thing in general.

I also know being at camps and the like you become really close with everyone, almost. I made a friend when I was younger at a choir retreat and we were inseparable. As soon as we went back to school, she basically ignored me.

I think you were right about INFJ's withdrawing into themselves. I do that, especially when I am sad or angry or whatever. Sometimes even happy. You did say she misses her family, so that may be why. On another hand, she may be happy about you.

Show some deep interest into her, and maybe be more blunt with your feelings towards her. But, whatever you do, give it a little more time. I am guessing you've only known her a few weeks. A little more time and everything might work itself out.

Good luck!

 

[Sesquipedalian]

This is good at least

I'm honestly surprised your an INTJ - because from the sounds of things you almost sound like an INFJ yourself! The only INTJ I know is a complete loner to the point that he doesn't really like to do much of anything socially and instead keeps completely to himself and his thoughts (which is totally fine of a thing to do), and he is totally okay with that. On the contrary if I was in that situation I'd not be too okay with it despite being introverted and despite me not wanting to show it

If you really are an INTJ you must be a pretty mature/developed one to have gone this far in showing your support to her (or I've not really known enough INTJ's!). I was always under the impression that INTJ's are too cold and distant for someone like me to feasably date

The thing about INFJ's is that its super easy to get us to "melt" to someone in the moment, but I am personally fearful of that feeling because I know how much I attach myself (unhealthily) to those feelings, and how easy it is to get screwed over by someone else should you feel that way to someone who really doesn't care, know what they are doing, or is insincere. An INFJ with experience with those feelings I imagine would be very distant at first to people they like, because they don't want to become too attached too soon and etc.

I don't think you have too much to worry about that though. Showing that you are thoughtful twoards her is the best route - because it's no so hard and advancing to trigger the warm "melting" feeling prematurily (which would personally cause me to retreat a bit... but no harm done unless you keep doing it), and it's not shallow enough to come off as a concieted uninterested person.

Haha, thanks! I actually made a post in the INTJ forums once at a difficult time in my life and they said I wasn't an INTJ, but most INTJs are polarized to the point that they just embrace "I'M A THINKER!!!! INTELLECT!" and reject their emotions. Devaluing emotion in an effort to maximize intellect really isn't the way to go. We ought to try to round out our personalities by supplementing them, not cram ourselves in a box and reject everything else. To reject one's emotions is to have a hard heart and having a hard heart separates us from people. I speak from experience. People are important. It took me far too long to learn that.

I've had a lot of suffering in my life and God has a wonderful way of using suffering to break us down, reshape us, and make us into something better. That's my experience as a Christ-follower anyway. I can't speak for other belief systems. I remember the first time I cried after years of being unable to - I wept bitterly. It was like a burden was lifted. Since then I tear up every once in a blue moon and try to just embrace the moment.

I think I know what you're saying about the warm melty feeling... I have a similar thing happen. I am seldom attracted to anyone physically... In the rare case that I am it's rare that we have anything in common. In the case that we do, it's exceedingly rare for her to have beliefs that align with mine. There have been so many looong periods in my life where there is literally no one anywhere in my life I could even potentially have something special with. So, when I identify a person like that, I really get excited and my heart does that whole mess-with-my mind-and-mood thing. After she seemed distant on Wednesday, I convinced myself I'd weirded her out, my mood took a turn for the worse and I had to fight hard to stay positive. Earlier in my life a swing like that could leave me depressed for weeks.

Each time I find someone like this girl, I have to very carefully regulate my emotions to try not to hurt myself... because my imagination can extend into decades of marriage with cuddling on the couch, 1on1 hikes and canoe trips, just walking hand-in-hand (might sounds creepy, I don't know... I imagine a lot of people imagine lives with people?), and when I realize that person has no interest in me, it's the death of that vision that makes things hard.

I can imagine her having similar experiences, perhaps. This isn't hormones talking - she really is the most compatible person for me I've ever met. I think you're right about showing interest. I'll continue to try to get to know her... Continue to try to encourage and support her in the best ways I can. Continue to invite her to things every so often... I know we're supposed to enjoy the process and all but honestly feelers, it's a bit torturous

She sounds like a great girl!

From my experience, I'll often tone way down my interactions with a guy if I'm not sure he likes me as well. Like, way tone down to the point I avoid him. It sucks, and I may have even pushed away a few guys in this way. I'm not sure if this is purely an INFJ thing or just a girl thing in general.

I also know being at camps and the like you become really close with everyone, almost. I made a friend when I was younger at a choir retreat and we were inseparable. As soon as we went back to school, she basically ignored me.

I think you were right about INFJ's withdrawing into themselves. I do that, especially when I am sad or angry or whatever. Sometimes even happy. You did say she misses her family, so that may be why. On another hand, she may be happy about you.

Show some deep interest into her, and maybe be more blunt with your feelings towards her. But, whatever you do, give it a little more time. I am guessing you've only known her a few weeks. A little more time and everything might work itself out.

Good luck!

She is! Regarding withdrawing... Do you tone down your actions toward a guy to see how he'll react or as a self-preservation tactic?

Regarding camps, I agree that things like that can bring people together due to the whimsical nature of special weekends like that, but I don't really get too lost in experiences like that. Actually, despite my attraction to her that weekend, I wanted to focus on God, not romantic relationships, so I made an effort to minimize any feelings I was developing for her throughout the weekend.

Just curious, if she's happy about me, why, in INFJ terms, would she withdraw?

As agreed above I do think it's wise to simply "be there" for now and let her get to know me. I'm going to Swan Lake and just set up a facebook event for an awesome hiking trip the next weekend. She showed a lot of interest in that initially, so if she shies away from that then perhaps that's a sign she isn't interested...

Oh you strong Is, so very enigmatic. Don't throw us a bone or anything

 

[Saru Inc]

To be honest (and I like your story! I hope it works out!), it could be that she recognizes the connection as well but because she doesn't know *your* take on it, she's being very cautious about it. When we're not sure if something is right, or if we're not sure if we're reading the picture correctly, we will withdraw.

It sounds to me as if she really like you as well, but since you haven't said flat out that you like her, she's keeping her distance. Go see her performance of Swan Lake, but tell her that you like her - really like her - and that you'd like to date her if she's okay with it. You have to spell it out for us. We instinctively "know" that this dating stuff might be happening, but unless you flat out say what you feel we'll keep our distance for fear of misreading the situation.

That's my take anyway. I hope it all works out for you, and that God's timing is just!

Took the words right from under my tongue, and outta my mouth!

I think she thinks she might have been too open, many a time when I share something personal, (such as the corns) I feel ashamed and stupid for telling someone, even if they received it very warmingly. That might have been it. And that's the problem with the INFJ preference, for me at least, I'm so touchy. Things have to be done just right, and that's why to be honest, giving straight up advice is very hard. However, if I were her, I would want you to keep nudging that you know and care about me, but ALSO keep your distance. After a long period *indeterminable,* of you nudging but also keeping your distance, I will make my advance, after careful planning.

Also, nudging means more than just smiling, it's asking how's your day etc, but then moving on to other people... But not right away. Eh, it's hard to articulate.

 

[Sesquipedalian]

Took the words right from under my tongue, and outta my mouth!

I think she thinks she might have been too open, many a time when I share something personal, (such as the corns) I feel ashamed and stupid for telling someone, even if they received it very warmingly. That might have been it. And that's the problem with the INFJ preference, for me at least, I'm so touchy. Things have to be done just right, and that's why to be honest, giving straight up advice is very hard. However, if I were her, I would want you to keep nudging that you know and care about me, but ALSO keep your distance. After a long period *indeterminable,* of you nudging but also keeping your distance, I will make my advance, after careful planning.

Also, nudging means more than just smiling, it's asking how's your day etc, but then moving on to other people... But not right away. Eh, it's hard to articulate.

Actually I think I'm walking the fine line you mentioned. It's like... A series of short, staggered, semi-intimate moments. I'll ask her how she's doing, try to be kind, have a short engaging conversation, then let her be, turn to someone else and chat. I'd rather just sit and talk with her all day long, but I've learned that people feel crowded when you do that (especially when they're processing the way they feel about you).

If there's one thing I've learned, and this is with all girls (well, feelers at least), but perhaps many times more so with INFJ women, it's that, well, as they say, "men are firecrackers, women are candles." I have to acknowledge that my instant attraction and recognition of our compatibility takes a much longer time to develop for the girl. ...I just hope she realizes how very compatible we are... EHARMONY STYLE! lol I keep thinking of "highly compatible"... which makes me think of this awesome parody: [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TI8pvV3rgqA"]YouTube - Spoofing eharmony[/ame]

 

[KorJax]

Haha, thanks! I actually made a post in the INTJ forums once at a difficult time in my life and they said I wasn't an INTJ, but most INTJs are polarized to the point that they just embrace "I'M A THINKER!!!! INTELLECT!" and reject their emotions. Devaluing emotion in an effort to maximize intellect really isn't the way to go. We ought to try to round out our personalities by supplementing them, not cram ourselves in a box and reject everything else. To reject one's emotions is to have a hard heart and having a hard heart separates us from people. I speak from experience. People are important. It took me far too long to learn that.

Wow, I'd never thought I'd hear a T type say anything close to that: realizing the importance of people in our lives and how our relations with others allows us to invigorate a more balanced individual in oneself. Most don't think that way, and are too ignorant/proud to want to be open minded twoards anything beyond their sphere of accepted knowledge they grew attached to growing up.

I'd totally date you if I knew you ;D

 

[Sesquipedalian]

Wow, I'd never thought I'd hear a T type say anything close to that: realizing the importance of people in our lives and how our relations with others allows us to invigorate a more balanced individual in oneself. Most don't think that way, and are too ignorant/proud to want to be open minded towards anything beyond their sphere of accepted knowledge they grew attached to growing up.

I'd totally date you if I knew you ;D

It's possible that you just made me blush. xD Thanks for that. God has really transformed my heart over the years. I used to be not unlike the people you disparage in your post.

 

[middle1]

I connect with INTJ's best. I've never met a male one that I know of, but I really click with my INTJ friend. So hopefully she appreciates that about you. She sounds amazing, and I hope it works out for you. I'm sure she would appreciate you coming to her show. Bring her some flowers

 

[Sesquipedalian]

I connect with INTJ's best. I've never met a male one that I know of, but I really click with my INTJ friend. So hopefully she appreciates that about you. She sounds amazing, and I hope it works out for you. I'm sure she would appreciate you coming to her show. Bring her some flowers

I actually thought about bringing her a rose or something, but I'm on the fence. I'll be dressed to the nines in pinstriped pants and a dress shirt since it's, well.. It's ballet with an orchestra! I dunno. It'd either make her heart melt or just terribly embarrass her. Maybe both :-S Blarg, it's such a careful dance.

 

[Gaze]

Just let it flow, don't rush.

 

[hylas89]

Haha, thanks! I actually made a post in the INTJ forums once at a difficult time in my life and they said I wasn't an INTJ, but most INTJs are polarized to the point that they just embrace "I'M A THINKER!!!! INTELLECT!" and reject their emotions.

Each time I find someone like this girl, I have to very carefully regulate my emotions to try not to hurt myself... because my imagination can extend into decades of marriage with cuddling on the couch, 1on1 hikes and canoe trips, just walking hand-in-hand (might sounds creepy, I don't know... I imagine a lot of people imagine lives with people?), and when I realize that person has no interest in me, it's the death of that vision that makes things hard.

Just curious, if she's happy about me, why, in INFJ terms, would she withdraw?

The people on the INTJ forums are a special breed of INTJ, or at least a large majority of them are: They take pride in accentuating their qualities, even to the point of convincing themselves they have no E, S, F, or P qualities. Life is often a pissing contest for many, and on the INTJ boards one's INTJ-ness can be a measure of superiority. It's not a good thing to do, and I completely agree with you. As an INTJ, I value INFJ's because I admire what they have: The F function.

And I completely agree with your concern of emotion-regulation. Even us INTJ's get really strong emotions and sentimental. One thing we both have in common is that we are spiritual, maybe this is a factor. Anyway, I think our N function can get the best of us and we can fantasize way too much. We build an image of the girl that doesn't quite match reality, and we set up unhealthy expectations for the girl and for ourselves.

And lastly I share your befuddlement about INFJ-withdrawal! *scratches head*