I don't want friends do I?

[Flavus Aquila]

Drawing from several threads, such as 'annoying people' and 'making friends' etc. It seems that this question needs to be asked:

Do I actually want to have friends?

Person experience of three types of friends:

The needy: I have always been swamped by needy people who want to talk me into oblivion. They might be after a friend in me, but there is nothing that draws me to them, other than care/concern.

The normal: The more normal friends I make because of circumstance - like the people I lived with in a dormitory - I don't miss when they are not around. And when I finished my studies I didn't really keep in much contact.

The close friend: The few people I would call close friends, I sometimes want to avoid because they have 'failed me' (been un-loyal) or taken a position I fundamentally cannot consent to.

The Problem:
It seems that having friends is a good thing, but (I am saying here what I feel, not what I think) I am getting more and more sick and tired of people using my loyalty to try to change me against my will.

So, am I just having a bad run, being a self-centred bastard, or just dealing with INFJ problems? Because right now I always feel trapped.

Other's experiences/thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Finding the right people is always a work in progress. My mom didn't really find her "true" best friend(s) until she was in her 40's. I have one friend whom if I were to lose I would be gravely depressed.

As INFJ's, it is hard for us to find friends who we truly relate too, because our feelings run so deep, they are hard to coax out, and we usually have high standards, that few people can live up to. I don't think you are wrong in thinking this way at all. That being said, keep looking. One thing I have learned in life is to look out for this particular feeling once I meet someone. It is hard to explain, but it is this unspeakable "drawing" or facenation about one person. It is very rare, but for all of these people whom I have felt this, I have become extremely close friends with. Keep an eye out for that. If you find someone who you are unexplainably drawn to, make an effort to get to know them, it could be totally worth it.

 

[the]

Sounds normal to me. What kind of loyalty are you looking for?

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I have issues with that too. I have two close friends...but those were really hard to find. You'll know if you find the right person.

One of my problems, though, is that I can "tell" who I could be totally comfortable with and who wouldn't be awkward -- who really likes me and could click with me. There are very few people like this, but when you find someone, you can tell.
Another thing that helps is when you find someone that likes you for you, without wanting you to take all their problems. Genuine interest and compassion. A person like that might not automatically click with you, but they will grow on you with their persistence. This is extremely rare.

I have a friend that I gained through both ways, and I could care less if there was no one else in the world but them (well, maybe that's a stretch, but it's close). Don't give up on people; meet new people, try to find someone that loves you and you can love in return.

 

[slant]

I was explaining this to this group of teens I meet up with, ages 13-18, and they didn't understand.

We were talking about how to deal with friends who get into drugs, if we should hang on and try to help them get better or stop hanging out with them.

I offered the solution to cut them out completely: they are lying, they aren't the people they were when I first met them, and I see no point in putting myself in possibly legal troubles ( ex: someone mentioned that they sat in the room while their friend smoked pot, but they didn't smoke pot. The cops busted them and she was almost sent to court even though she hadn't smoked it. I have had friends who smoked pot, but I have NEVER been in the same room when they were doing it. I view it as stupid in many ways if you are person who doesn't smoke pot.). Someone in the group mentioned that it's hard to leave 'true' or 'best' friends.

I was baffled. I didn't understand that concept. They said that sometimes when they were hanging out with friends, in order to not lose their friendship, they would compromise themselves and do things that they knew they didn't want to do to be 'cool'. I've always knew that this happens, but I shocked that my peers felt this way. I thought I knew these people well. I'm able to so easily [ compared to what they act like would be a gruesome, nearly impossible ordeal] cut people out of my life that I don't blink an eye about it anymore. I figure, 'Eh? Oh well.'

Recently I've decided I have no need for friendships, and will only be interested in a person if I see they have a complexity to them. I usually only prefer introverts because my seriousness I have noticed can effect extroverts in a very negative way. Kids my age don't think it's okay to joke around with me, because they are afraid of what might happen even though I'm completely harmless. I've even been ignored on several occasions just because they aren't comfortable dealing with me.

Do I want friends?
No.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

There are only a few people that I'd "keep." And I'd keep them no matter what.

Everyone else, I could cut out, except I don't like hurting people; that's the only reason why I keep them around. Not because I "love" them, but because I have that Fe compassion.

However, it took a long time for me to get close to those I do love. It's rare and difficult for me, and I could see how that would be the same with other INFJs

 

[slant]

There are only a few people that I'd "keep." And I'd keep them no matter what.

Everyone else, I could cut out, except I don't like hurting people; that's the only reason why I keep them around. Not because I "love" them, but because I have that Fe compassion.

However, it took a long time for me to get close to those I do love. It's rare and difficult for me, and I could see how that would be the same with other INFJs

I guess I'd be on more of the selfish side of that coin, being as it is that I don't mind hurting people's feelings. The only reason I would try to avoid hurting someone's feelings is if I know that whatever I say will have a bad effect on me.

For example, If I said something ill towards my mom she might send me to live to my father. If I said something ill to one of my friends...well, they couldn't do anything about it, could they? :becky:

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Reading replies......... hmmm, I need time to sort through this.

 

[Milon]

Slant, you either are way too selfish or possess a wisdom not normally granted to those your age. Possibly both.

Do I want friends? Yes. What is a friend, though? That's a really good place to start when asking yourself if you want friends.

 

[slant]

Slant, you either are way too selfish or possess a wisdom not normally granted to those your age. Possibly both.

Do I want friends? Yes. What is a friend, though? That's a really good place to start when asking yourself if you want friends.

Genius!

As defined by an eighteen year old girl who tried to explain 'best friends' to me last night, society's application of the word is:

"Someone who will always be there for you no matter what."

Do I believe that it's possible? Nope.

 

[KingOfSpades]

Genius!

As defined by an eighteen year old girl who tried to explain 'best friends' to me last night, society's application of the word is:

"Someone who will always be there for you no matter what."

Do I believe that it's possible? Nope.

Agreed. people are people -- they are flawed, and selfish, but also capable of great connection and at times compassion.

I didn't make good friends until I was around 19 and went to college. And even then I was continually disappointed by my friends b/c they never lived up to my expectations.

When I was 20 my dad passed away and my whole life changed, and I became very alone. I hated my friends, all of them, b/c they had no idea what I was going through.

I went to graduate school and made new friends there -- great people. But at the end of grad school all of them were married and I wa still single, and they were focused on their spouses, so I felt a bit abandoned again.

I moved back to California and met up with my college friends again. I am much closer to them now and not nearly as angry with them as I was when I was growing up. My standards haven't "dropped", but I've realized that people are not going to fit to your needs; they are going to be themselves. And you have to either take that or leave it.

ALong the way, I also cut out people in my life who were my alleged friends but who just used me in different ways. One such person was a person I had been friends with since I was about 3 or 4 (we met in pre school or something) and had been friends for about 20 years. But the last 5 or 6 years of friendship he had very much changed and became a huge asshole. I kept him around as a friend out of loyalty, but one day had enough and cut him off. My life improved dramatically. I feel bad, honestly, that I feel so good with this person out of my life.

So -- keep an open mind, but don't hesitate to cut out abusers. You will recognize them, believe me. But friendship is valuable. A life without friends can get lonely, and life is too short to feel lonely all the time.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

A good friend is someone who cares about what happens to you, and shows it. It's someone you want to be with without having to worry about being awkward or hiding your true self.

 

[Final]

Kids my age don't think it's okay to joke around with me, because they are afraid of what might happen even though I'm completely harmless.

People were afraid of me during high school. It was awesome.

A good friend is someone who cares about what happens to you, and shows it. It's someone you want to be with without having to worry about being awkward or hiding your true self.

It's nice to be able to take down my defenses every once in a while. Luckily, I have a twin brother (INTP), and our mannerisms are very similar (like twins!). We understand each other.
I've often wondered what I would do if he dated one of my exes. I'd cut him off, for sure, but I feel like it'd rip my soul apart. On the other hand, I've cut off other friends before (for dating my exes), and that made me feel better (a situation similar to KingOfSpades').

On that note:

To understand another is one of life's richest blessings and to be understood by another is perhaps love's sweetest most satisfying gift.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

Ha, my twin is an ENTJ...and it wouldn't be that awful hard for me to cut her out a bit :B Although it would be difficult, that's for sure; I don't think I could ever really cut her out of my life completely. But we do have some different ways of doing things, especially now that we're older (when we were young we used to be a LOT closer). We tend to argue more now when we're around each other too much.

 

[lostintranslation]

Bah who has real friends? Most of the people I call friends are people that I get along well with on a physical level but anything beyond that and it just gets awkward. I try to avoid the Needy people I know; they will only want to talk when they're bored, and the few 'close' friends that I have don't know me well at all.

 

[slant]

I think the unique thing about INFJs is that even though most of us have an excellent social intellegence, we are able to stand alone when needed.

I'm not afriad to stand alone, in fact, I rather prefer it.

 

[Liv]

i agree with you im not afraid to stand alone...i attract people who seem compelled to share their darkest problems with me,i dont mind but wouldnt reciprocate im quite slow to trust.according to my closest friend and my own experiences i attract the needy and weirdos so i hesitate in forming bonds with new people as it usually ends in disaster!!its hilarious to watch(the attraction of weirdos that is)lol

 

[poetrygirl]

i agree with you im not afraid to stand alone...i attract people who seem compelled to share their darkest problems with me,i dont mind but wouldnt reciprocate im quite slow to trust.according to my closest friend and my own experiences i attract the needy and weirdos so i hesitate in forming bonds with new people as it usually ends in disaster!!its hilarious to watch(the attraction of weirdos that is)lol

haha that's me. As it turns out I seem to attract similar types.

 

[EloquentBohemian]

...couldn't help it

Seriously though, friends are extremely important and I have very few. There are not many whom I 'click' with.

 

[just me]

I think it amazing the differences people have in identifying with others. I am in need of a good friend really bad right now, which is the worst time to get close to me. I also do not wish to burden someone else; so, it is almost impossible to have a new friend in times like these. I hear words from thoughts that seem to click with me and I go crazy. Sometimes I feel the need for that empty gut feeling that has my stomach tied in knots. An old knotty pine I am at times, but it seems that is where I need to be.

Sometimes people need someone to talk to
To "touch" someone in bad need of a friend
Sometimes people need to be alone, too
To sit and watch and listen to the wind

A friend is one that takes the time to listen
To hear what someone really meant to say
A friend is one that understands your loneliness
A friend is one that doesn't walk away