I don't want friends do I?

[jn56uytrx]

Challenge away! I appreciate the input. What I mean is that I've learnt to trust my intuition. For example, when I've given the person the benefit of the doubt (in an attempt against being judgmental), I've always found that my first instinct was still correct. You could be right though, maybe I still simply saw what I expected!

Thanks for being so kind to my expression. I glad you found it worth considering.

For me, I don't think I can recall a time when I've felt my intuition incorrect. I think it's not about whether I trust my intuition or not, but whether I let myself close off to further information upon receiving a bit of intuitive insight. I've discovered that in reaction to intuitive information I can defensively limit any further information to my perception of a situation. When I do that my understanding and experience can become undesirably limited.

I really do try and keep an open mind - but I find that I then end up with many friends, and nobody that I really relate to..it feels "fake" and this goes against what I want or need - I completely relate to what Blind Bandit siad:

I relate to what you said here and to what Blind Bandit said.

I do, however, think my perspective grows limited when kept within it's own circle. Where fear comes in for me, is having had especially desolate times when my closed-in-on-itself perspective felt there was no way out. It was only through allowing someone with a different view of the world to enter in that I was able to stretch enough to see a way out. I think I do engage in some proximity and circumstance type friendships that don't completely fulfill me in the moment out of fear that I'll someday find myself in that tightening circle of desolate certainty and have no one near me willing to engage. Partly in order to protect myself against that kind of perceptual isolation, I often make the choice to engage.

I'm still learning the balance of limited engagement, so I also regularly find myself with more contacts than I can manage healthily. I do not find it nurturing when I'm in that place, nor do I suspect those I've befriended feel very nurtured by my overextended friendship. It can be a tricky thing to balance, certainly. I think that is why I so value those friends who ask nothing more of me than that I share when I'm able and I be there for them when they ask me to be. It takes away all the "fake".

 

[just me]

My attorney asked me one day how it felt doing such a juggling act, trying to deal with everything I was trying to deal with at the time. What tovlo just said reminded me of his statement, that of "it can be a tricky thing to balance, certainly". He was not really asking me that question as much as how my answer would relate to his having to juggle so many things for so many people. After giving thought for about 20 seconds, I just told him there was no way I was going to pretend I was juggling anywhere near what he was juggling. He is my friend, BTW.
I am reminded of a verse in an old song regarding friends:
"we all need somebody to lean on".
Some of us tend to stay away from a lot of social gatherings. I can somewhat see how difficult it might be for someone well-liked to deal with all those "friends". Some people are like magnets, as others are just drawn to them.....and rightly so.

 

[the]

So Flavus... is it official that you do not want friends then?

 

[Milon]

I need friends. Though I know that precious few will ever understand me. It's the whole connection thing. I'm not a solitary being, nor do I want to be. I live alone in my apartment, I work in a stressful environment (Supervisor, Customer Service) - I need to connect with real people outside of all that. To know that I'm still human, to know the world still has a heart. I don't really understand that sentance I just wrote - it just came out. And I'd ask a friend to help me understand it.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

So Flavus... is it official that you do not want friends then?

As much as I would like to tell the people around me who call me their friend to GTFOML - knowing how much satisfaction, peace and quiet it would bring me - I can't.

Not only can I not tell them, I know that I'll probably go out of my way to show care and interest in them.

My life is so F***ed - I'll always feel trapped because I cannot help wanting to be kind to those who intrude into my life. Nevertheless, I do actually want to be kind, even if it means that I'll always be miserable (in the interior life, where people won't notice). So yes, technically, I guess I want friends.