How long does it take you to get over a relationship? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

How long does it take you to get over a relationship?

I think that if the relationship that I'm currently in now doesn't end up working out afterall, then I will be content somewhat to remain single for probably the rest of my life...

For me there is a point of no return, and wheather or not others agree, at this point in time, that's just how I feel because I have seen it all and feel sure of what's right for myself.

Things can change but I have to sense that I'm ready for change, but I suspect that will take years.

In the past, it has taken me years to get over people, in some ways, I am still affected by each relationship I have ever had, and I find that I am typically negatively affected. I think that now that I'm older, I want to keep the rest of my simple and that would mean no future relationship after this one if we end up breaking up.
 
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This one time it took me more than a year to get over someone I wasn't even in a relationship with. So yes, a long time.
 
Yup, I lost my first love because of some pretty stupid shit, and 4 years later I'm still not over it. *facepalm*
But hey, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right? FUCKING WRONG. I would never trade up the blissful ignorance of not having the love cherry popped with a broken heart.
 
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transcendentalethos said:
Yup, I lost my first love because of some pretty stupid shit, and 4 years later I'm still not over it. *facepalm*
But hey, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right? FUCKING WRONG. I would never trade up the blissful ignorance of not having the love cherry popped with a broken heart.
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Yeah, I don't identify with the "Better to have loved and lost" saying either. I'm totally cool with never having loved at all. =/
 
Jayce said:
Yeah, I don't identify with the "Better to have loved and lost" saying either. I'm totally cool with never having loved at all. =/
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Meh. :m136:
 
In my experience (and I'm currently going through a divorce), 9-12 months for a long-term relationship. Fortunately, I've spent some of those months trying to salvage against hope the remains of the relationships, so post-final breakup, it's been shorter in reality.

But I think it hits harder for me than most people, maybe not most people here, and it's probably a personality issue.
 
I function, move on.. But deep down, there's still always a little scarring. First loves are a bitch.
 
transcendentalethos said:
Yup, I lost my first love because of some pretty stupid shit, and 4 years later I'm still not over it. *facepalm*
But hey, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right? FUCKING WRONG. I would never trade up the blissful ignorance of not having the love cherry popped with a broken heart.
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I'd strangle whoever told me that too. One of the most wrong thing I've ever heard in my life. I rather stay in that little bubble my whole life quite frankly.

alt ctrl del said:
I function, move on.. But deep down, there's still always a little scarring. First loves are a bitch.
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not just a little;) but I agree haha
 
Wait... you can get over relationships? What planet are you from? I want to visit!
 
I don't know if I've ever gotten over anyone I ever committed to. Once I love someone, I always love them. I am usually able to be friends with them, but I always love them just as much. I have friends that I am still very much in love with. But, once I've found someone new, it stops hurting because the needs that stopped being met are fulfilled again.

That said, I've found that it usually takes me a few years to get functional enough to be in a relationship with someone else, regardless of how long the relationship lasted. It's not a question of duration. It's a matter of investment. I think NFJs save up, save up, and save up, then invest it all when we finally meet our special someone. When the investment fails, we've lost everything, and it takes time to save all that back up again.

What gives me the most release from the pain until I am functional is finding someone else to want to be with, and focus on being with them. Somehow it fills the void of the needs that are no longer being met by the one who stopped meeting them. For us NFJs rebounding is more a case of wanting to be with someone than actually being with them. Maybe in this analogy, it starts us saving up again, rather than continuing to make payments on the interest of a bad investment.
 
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In my experience, getting over a relationship depends on how you get through the grieving process. The first stage - denial - is the most important. If you cannot accept that the relationship is over and the the person is gone, then you will not be able to move on properly to the next stage, and you can remain stuck there possiblyi even for years.

Five months ago I broke up with a girlfriend who I went out with for four and a half years. As soon as it was over I moved straight into the depression phase, because I had been in terrible denial for many many months. I moved into the anger phase a month after that and then into acceptance. I can now say I am over the relationship and have never truly been happier than I am now.

Though I will always carry the relationship's scars. That is what we call baggage folks and everybody, including INFJs, carry it with them for life. It is impossible not to be scared by such expereinces, but INFJs have a tendency to dwell on them longer than most people.

If it is any help, assuming you are past the denial phase, there are many things to help guide you through the difficult depression part. (There's lots of stuff on the internet about this). What helped me the most though was I learned to mediate - do it every day - and it has worked wonders for me. Visualisation is also very good - instead of ruminating on the past, you visualise your future in positive ways and it works wonders on your general wellbeing. The INFJ has a tendency to obsess and obsess. If you can find a way (meditation, I suggest) of switiching off that obsessing even for a short while, the benefits are deeply profound.

I hope some of this might be of help to someone.
 
lynchman said:
In my experience, getting over a relationship depends on how you get through the grieving process. The first stage - denial - is the most important. If you cannot accept that the relationship is over and the the person is gone, then you will not be able to move on properly to the next stage, and you can remain stuck there possiblyi even for years.

Five months ago I broke up with a girlfriend who I went out with for four and a half years. As soon as it was over I moved straight into the depression phase, because I had been in terrible denial for many many months. I moved into the anger phase a month after that and then into acceptance. I can now say I am over the relationship and have never truly been happier than I am now.

Though I will always carry the relationship's scars. That is what we call baggage folks and everybody, including INFJs, carry it with them for life. It is impossible not to be scared by such expereinces, but INFJs have a tendency to dwell on them longer than most people.

If it is any help, assuming you are past the denial phase, there are many things to help guide you through the difficult depression part. (There's lots of stuff on the internet about this). What helped me the most though was I learned to mediate - do it every day - and it has worked wonders for me. Visualisation is also very good - instead of ruminating on the past, you visualise your future in positive ways and it works wonders on your general wellbeing. The INFJ has a tendency to obsess and obsess. If you can find a way (meditation, I suggest) of switiching off that obsessing even for a short while, the benefits are deeply profound.

I hope some of this might be of help to someone.
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I pretty much agree with this here. I also agree that the love doesn't ever really go away. This is one reason why I put serious distance between myself and serious exes. I don't want to sabotage my potential future by being drawn into an already failed past again.
 
Von Hase said:
I don't know if I've ever gotten over anyone I ever committed to. Once I love someone, I always love them. I am usually able to be friends with them, but I always love them just as much. I have friends that I am still very much in love with. But, once I've found someone new, it stops hurting because the needs that stopped being met are fulfilled again.

...I think NFJs save up, save up, and save up, then invest it all when we finally meet our special someone....

What gives me the most release from the pain until I am functional is finding someone else to want to be with, and focus on being with them. Somehow it fills the void of the needs ....
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These are some interesting ideas. I've not chosen my past relationships wisely, and as a result a majority of my longer-term romantic relationships have ended with partners who have either given me concern for my physical safety, or with some attempts to rebuild friendships that have ceased on the partner's part when I started dating again. I've had a few friendships over the years (and frankly I have one now) where mutual romantic feelings are involved, but the timing's just not been right. Those people, and I've met one after each major breakup I've had, have been the catalyst to let me move on, to get my feelings headed in a forward direction.

What you recount makes sense. It's what I've done a number of times. It's not like I'm looking for people to fill that role, I'd rather have a romantic relationship with them (and I can think of four over my lifetime), but it's just not been feasible for easily understood reasons.
 
lynchman said:
The INFJ has a tendency to obsess and obsess. If you can find a way (meditation, I suggest) of switiching off that obsessing even for a short while, the benefits are deeply profound.
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I second that. Meditating during hard times can be a lot of effort, but it's worth it. It's like eating broccoli - healthy for you but you may not like the taste of it.

The trick is to learn to love the broccoli.

Answering the original question, from my limited experience, it seems to take about a half a year of suffering for me before I feel free again. Also, he freedom doesn't come gradually, but more like a flick of a switch, as I realize - Oh THAT'S why things happened the way they did. The love for the other person is still there, but the desire and the drama goes away. It's beautiful. I wish it could always be like that.
 
Yield said:
The most frustrating part is when you KNOW it wasn't even that serious in the first place.
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Bingo.

One of the reasons (not the only one, of course) I never get over anybody is because I feel so embarrassed that I got played.

I get reminders from the universe too. A while ago, I went shopping with my Dad (which is a rare occasion in itself), and I ran into a guy I used to see. The guy walked up to me and gave me a hug, and right after the guy was out of range my dad was like, "You didn't date him did you? He's nasty" Ack.
 
I have to say Mooseman, that while meditating is difficult to get into, I absolutely love it. Really, really enjoy it. In fact, if I miss a day, I find myself craving it.

I had been trying it on and off over the years to little succeess, but my break-up focused my mind. Jon Kabat-Zinn was the dude who gave me the key (you can buy his audiobooks online for anybody who is interested).

I also made a 30-day resolution with myself to do it every day for 30 days. After that, it became not just a habit but something I deeply loved.

I can't recommend meditating enough for INFJs. It switches off the head music and leaves you calmer for the rest of the day. Jon Kabat-Zinn refers to it as 'tuning your instrument before you play it'. That makes a lot of sense to me. I also write for a living and I can't stress how much it helps in that respect :)
 
I agree with others that INFJs have an especially hard time getting over relationships. I still obsess over lost loves and friendships and ask myself what I did wrong...even though it was the other person who cheated, lied, backstabbed, etc etc.

I think the answer is we never get over it...and that's what makes us so special. We file it in our minds and think about it when noones watching and we are all alone, but we physically move on with our lives and go through the motions of daily life.
 
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