How long does it take you to get over a relationship? | INFJ Forum

How long does it take you to get over a relationship?

Jayce

Jayce

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Jul 13, 2009
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Hey, you guys. I've only been in one relationship ever. It only lasted one month. We broke up almost 8 months ago and I'm still sad about it. I'm not as broken up about it as I was before but it still hurts sometimes when I think about it.

Have any of you had a particularly rough time getting over someone? How long did it last? How long did it take for you to get over it? Do you think INFJs take longer than other personality types to get over a relationship? Any suggestions to help numb the pain? I'd like to know.

[Sorry if this topic has been brought up already]
 
Sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are hard on everybody, so it's hard to say specifically if they are harder on INFJ's. But, I would say that yes, they are really hard on an INFJ though. We tend to be perfectionists, dwell on things, and wonder what we could have done to make it go right.

Whatever you do, don't give up on dating. I've gone through periods of time where I'd have a rough breakup and then not date for a year or two. I feel like I might have missed out on some great relationships over that stretch because I didn't make myself emotionally available to anyone.

The person who you broke up with wasn't right for you anyway, or if there are, they'll be back. Try to focus on making each day count, don't project your future, and don't dwell on your past. Easier said then done, I know. We all struggle with it!
 
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analyst said:
Sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are hard on everybody, so it's hard to say specifically if they are harder on INFJ's. But, I would say that yes, they are really hard on an INFJ though. We tend to be perfectionists, dwell on things, and wonder what we could have done to make it go right.

Whatever you do, don't give up on dating. I've gone through periods of time where I'd have a rough breakup and then not date for a year or two. I feel like I might have missed out on some great relationships over that stretch because I didn't make myself emotionally available to anyone.

The person who you broke up with wasn't right for you anyway, or if there are, they'll be back. Try to focus on making each day count, don't project your future, and don't dwell on your past. Easier said then done, I know. We all struggle with it!
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^^ THIS. :)

And yep, it's been brought up a few times, but it rarely gets old. It takes INFJs a really, really, really long time to get over relationships. Maybe because every part of us, ever fiber of our being, has to agree on the relationship before we accept it. And once we accept it, we assume that it's forever. If forever doesn't happen, then we wonder where our logic went wrong and why we're not the person we thought we were for that person.

Complicated much?

Yup. :p

But eventually we do move on...albeit slower than the average person.
 
I wrote a long reply to this and deleted it to say this instead:

I think that INFJs can be heart broken for a very long time, perhaps never fully recovering if the event was upsetting enough, but I would also suspect that INFPs have it even worse than INFJs if they are well developed.

I've never had a hard time getting over either of my two very short and fairly bad relationships. I was the one who ended both of them. I do miss my first girlfriend sometimes, but really it is more of a constant anxiety and wish to be in a relationship than it is to be with any specific person. If I ever met the right person and it ended badly and they left me when I didn't want it to end (ex. they cheated on me), I don't think I'd ever get over it. Obviouslly though, I try to avoid that and I've been successful so far..

To numb the pain? Find someone else to like and think about them- direct your energy into wishing to be with them.
 
arbygil said:
^^ THIS. :)

And yep, it's been brought up a few times, but it rarely gets old. It takes INFJs a really, really, really long time to get over relationships. Maybe because every part of us, ever fiber of our being, has to agree on the relationship before we accept it. And once we accept it, we assume that it's forever. If forever doesn't happen, then we wonder where our logic went wrong and why we're not the person we thought we were for that person.

Complicated much?

Yup. :p

But eventually we do move on...albeit slower than the average person.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's usually the way it works.
 
Every word on this thread is true. My heart was broken in 2001. I am still not over it. I am over the woman, we are on good terms, she wasn't right for me.

And yet...
 
unfortunately, never. The person that really screwed me over really screwed up my confidence. I'm still feeling the effects of it :/ Now another ones threatening to do the same :/

Oh well, that life I suppose *shrug*
 
I used to feel so guilty that it took me longer to get over someone compared to most. I found that my feelings were too extreme in intensity. So one lesson I've learned (still learning) is how to scale them back quite a bit. But it's hard. Sometimes, it seems that for NFs, it is easier to fall hard for someone, and invest emotionally very quickly. When that happens, it's usually very difficult to let go of those feelings. It usually takes a while to get over them when a crush, "true love", or relationship doesn't work out.
 
Restraint said:
I used to feel so guilty that it took me longer to get over someone compared to most. I found that my feelings were too extreme in intensity. So one lesson I've learned (still learning) is how to scale them back quite a bit. But it's hard. Sometimes, it seems that for NFs, it is easier to fall hard for someone, and invest emotionally very quickly. When that happens, it's usually very difficult to let go of those feelings. It usually takes a while to get over them when a crush, "true love", or relationship doesn't work out.
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Crushes throughout school were always horrible. From middle school throughout high school I only had about 4 crushes. All except one of them lasted for years and only went away after finding a new one. What's up with that? Stupid feelings always making life difficult... :m080:
 
arbygil said:
...It takes INFJs a really, really, really long time to get over relationships. Maybe because every part of us, ever fiber of our being, has to agree on the relationship before we accept it. And once we accept it, we assume that it's forever. If forever doesn't happen, then we wonder where our logic went wrong and why we're not the person we thought we were for that person...
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You summed that up very well. I think that's exactly what happened.

analyst said:
But, I would say that yes, they are really hard on an INFJ though. We tend to be perfectionists, dwell on things, and wonder what we could have done to make it go right.
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You're right. I spent a lot of time thinking it was my fault and wondering if I could've done something to fix it. I apologized to her and blamed it on myself and now feel stupid because I shouldn't have apologized for stating my honest opinion. And, of course, she refused to get back together with me even after the apology.

I realize that we were probably a bad match-up. She was the kind of person who could never admit she was wrong and played the victim whenever someone pointed out her contradicting behavior. She'd get all sad and make ME feel bad about it when I was the one who originally had my feelings hurt.

Despite that, I'm still not over it. I still get bummed out about it. A cold, sick feeling ran through me when I learned she has a new "boyfriend" (just a friend with benefits kinda deal). And here I am writing about it when she probably doesn't give a shit and hasn't even thought about me twice since it ended. Argh! I don't wanna care anymore but I can't stop myself! :m079:
 
I have a feeling that if I do get in a relationship and it ends, I'm going to be just bummed. I have found that I am able to like the same person for six years- with three of the years not even seeing them, and still dream about them and such.Yeah, I barely talked to this person but they ended up being my fantasy relationship inside of head. I think I tend to rather have a fantasy than the real thing, because I've had opportunities to pursue this person but decided not to go for it because I knew they wouldn't live up to what I thunk them to be.
 
Before my current relationship, I only had one serious relationship which lasted 15 years. I suppose I'm still recovering from it mostly in terms of rethinking through it to see if I did anything wrong. I also want to be sure everyone is doing well. That loss occurred on many levels because I was sort of part of that family and was always there for Thanksgiving. I'm mostly not sure how to think about it, but just want everyone I care about to be happy and okay. I mostly focus on my new relationship. We work pretty hard to keep up with life's problems as they present themselves.
 
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Like people have said, a very... very long time, if ever. The most frustrating part is when you KNOW it wasn't even that serious in the first place.
 
Yield said:
Like people have said, a very... very long time, if ever. The most frustrating part is when you KNOW it wasn't even that serious in the first place.
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Yeah, that's true. I think that makes it even worse.
 
analyst said:
Sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are hard on everybody, so it's hard to say specifically if they are harder on INFJ's. But, I would say that yes, they are really hard on an INFJ though. We tend to be perfectionists, dwell on things, and wonder what we could have done to make it go right.

Whatever you do, don't give up on dating. I've gone through periods of time where I'd have a rough breakup and then not date for a year or two. I feel like I might have missed out on some great relationships over that stretch because I didn't make myself emotionally available to anyone.

The person who you broke up with wasn't right for you anyway, or if there are, they'll be back. Try to focus on making each day count, don't project your future, and don't dwell on your past. Easier said then done, I know. We all struggle with it!
Click to expand...

I couldn't have said it better myself.
 
It's growth though, right?
 
slant said:
It's growth though, right?
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I believe so. I think it was spoken word poet, Asia, that said: "Only through suffering can one become truly great."
 
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