How does one make a friend? | INFJ Forum

How does one make a friend?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Melkor, Jun 24, 2010.

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  1. Melkor

    Melkor Madman with a cause

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    No really. I'm curious to know.

    I ask because, while I enjoy a lot of time alone, I'm starting to feel as though I'm 'wasting' my youth by not being even a
    littl
    e outgoing.

    Particularily interested in a 'how to' for an Academic enviroment.

    During my part time job I be relatively social, and communicate fairly frequently.(Despite my reputation as depressed/unhinged/odd)

    Though in University I have literally spoke to no-one, save for when necessary (group work), and no-one seems to speak with me.


     
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  2. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    Not everyone goes out of their way to speak to everyone. Forgive me for being harsh, but I can easily see why no one goes out of their way to speak to you; you give off an air that pushes people away for a myriad of reasons. If you truly want to make friends. You need to talk to people, be friendly, get to know them. It really is as simple at it's core as just talking to someone and getting to know them. Socalizing takes practice though, and if you don't practice it will never be easy. There is give and take involved, it isn't just about one person. You also have to concider you can't be friends with everyone. I am sure you can understand the motives of others, you can tell if someone is compatable or not, and see what they are responding to and how.

    Get out there and talk, if you don't, you won't find friends. In college living in a dorm, in my eyes is essential (for at least one year).
     
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  3. OP
    Melkor

    Melkor Madman with a cause

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    I mean, how should I present myself?

    How to be friendly?

    I honestly can't.

    I seem to have some deep social anxiety that prevents from doing anything but smiling, nodding and staring.

    So perhaps I'm deemed boring/unfriendly?


    Or is it my selective thinking that demands I only make friends with intelligent, trustworthy people?

    I know INFJ's aren't social monsters, but they seem to do a fair bit better than my type.
     
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  4. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    Fe is the most socially adept function if you ask me. That is why INFJ's appear to have it "easier" with this, as you say. However, introverts naturally have issues with socialzing, I certainly have mine.

    You're trying to break this down into to bullet lists, and if you are going to do that it isn't going to work. If you really want to know. Observe others, and really observe them; understand it. Try mirroring their actions, it's a start.

    For the record, I am horridly picky with the people whom I concider friends and whom I associate. Just because you are picky, doesn't mean you are dooming yourself. However, if you have issues with trust it will become a unnesscarry limiting factor with all forms of socialzing.

    All I can honestly say is, you have to try. If you don't it won't go anywhere at all. If you truly want it, you can begin to do it.
     
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  5. OP
    Melkor

    Melkor Madman with a cause

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    Hahahah.

    Thats okay Indy, I've long since come to terms with my undesirable for all purposes status.

    It's really just a matter of foraging for the rare few...

    The dorm concept seems sensible, and I have considered that seriously...

    Thanks for your input anyway.;)
     
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  6. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    You don't 'make' a friend (unless it's from material and cardboard). You gain them by accident (a lot of the time) or by having polite conversation with people you go to work/school/clubs with and realising you have a lot in common.
    I've actually had a social phobia, so it was very difficult for me to talk to people. Eventually, I got so desperate I ran up to a couple of girls after we'd done an assault course together and said 'Wasn't that fun?' - they've been my best friends for 7 years now. I guess a lot of it is luck...
    Smiling is good, nodding is bad unless it's needed, staring is very bad. Staring scares people. Mostly, it's probably because you haven't said anything they can latch on to. Try talking about their weekend. People like to talk about themselves :)
     
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  7. IndigoSensor

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    I will also add that I had the social skills of a teaspoon when I was younger. It was so bad that I had to change school districts in 7th grade. It honestly wasn't until my junior year of highschool that I began to finally have true and solid social base where I was confortable, and it wasnt until the end of my freshmen year of college that I was truly totally confortable. Socialzing has not been easy for me, and it is still a huge issue for me in the relationship department. As a child I was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome, and I can still see it internally within me today. The thing is I have forced myself (kind of bluntly) to learn how to socialize. I people watched from 8th grade onward, and really focused on it. Watching and seeing what is correct and what is not. Interestingly I found by mirroring it, it felt right and it worked well. It has been a long time coming but the methods and ways I socalize with are odd and kind of clunky; my friends and people who all meet me say I am odd, and thats the reason. There is a right and wrong way yes. However, there are millions and millions of rights and wrongs. You'll find your own.
     
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  8. OP
    Melkor

    Melkor Madman with a cause

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    "What did you do last weekend?"-???

    Like that?

    Seems like a creepy movie title.

    Though the idea of relating to both the self and the other in a largely undefined media which both can relate to seems logical.
     
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  9. Timeless

    Timeless Community Member

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    Speak your mind.

    Some people are gonna hate it, and some people are gonna love it.

    The rest will take care of itself.
     
  10. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    I tend to be very friendly and usually easy to talk to. But I have a hard time making friends more on that in a bit.

    As has already been said you can't push people away. Most people don't have the need or the desire to know you bad enough to push past rough exterior. You don't have to be fake but at least be kind and not an asshole.

    Also you need to keep in mind your Se and Fe are your last two functions. As with most people these go out the window when your tired. My fourth function (Se) drops like a rock the moment I'm under stress. So keep this in mind. Your need for people or your ability to socialize will probably drop off if your tired or stressed out.

    Use your Se as well to see things that may be worth talking about in the world.

    Also if you can keep a close eye on peoples body language and emotional state. it will help you gauge if someone is up for talking.

    On that note you need to keep your body language open and respective. I have this problem I like many introverts tend fold up upon myself when I'm in public. Don't cross your arms don't hold your self, Don't play with small objects in your hands, or touch your face or clothing a lot. All of these gestures tell others you don't want to talk and you don't want to be approached. Also don't stare down folks or give dirty looks. This makes you appear hostile.

    Sit comfortably with good posture. With your arms not folded and your face and body relaxed. Also if you make eye contact with someone smile and don't stare.

    As for where you can find friends. Find people with a similar interest as you. And make this your icebreaker. As you both have something in common its easier to move into a friendly relationship.

    Or if you don't have something in common just talk to people. You don't have to make a friend out of everyone you talk to or even talk to everyone. But it helps to just do some small talk with people. Yes it sucks but for most of the population its required.

    Further when you do make a friend you need to fallow up and hang out with them. This where I fall to make the leap from associate to friend. I often get anxious (I have anxiety issues) and wonder if I should call them to hang out or not. Its important to make this leap and be willing to incite some activity between you and your friend. whatever that may be.

    So that should get you started.
     
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    #10 Blind Bandit, Jun 24, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  11. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
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    that is my standard sentence to start a conversation with someone I don't know how to talk to (only on Mondays offcourse :w:).

    You can learn a lot from the reply. If they tell you something it is a good sign and you can ask more details or tell them something about your weekend. Do they say just "good" then it means they don't really want to tell you because they 1. don't want to talk to you, 2. are social fobic themselves, 3. doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell you. You can sort this out by asking additional questions or by telling something that happened to you that weekend (something funny or interesting) and just watch how it is going. If they react on it, listen with interest or give a comment, you can go on with the conversation and for instance change the subject and see how far you go with it. If there is no reaction then I would move on the the next person.

    An other method for starting a conversation in college is to ask something to the person sitting next to you. Pretent that you didn't understand something about the class and ask it to your neighbour, ask if you can borrow a pencil or something like that, make a funny comment on the teacher, ... Those are small things but they can get you started and people will become less reserved around you

    good luck with it! I now how it is, socialising is hard for me too
     
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  12. OP
    Melkor

    Melkor Madman with a cause

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    Thank you.

    All of you.

    This really helps.

    I have some ideas, I'm really going to try this year.

    I'm determined to join the Archery club too. *Cough*

    Morgain, I'll try that tutor mocking move, but not the pencil one.:X

    I think it'll help, thanks.

    Oh, and Blindbandit... Drat.

    I make for the corner, sometimes put my hood up, fold my arms and look at my books more than the people.

    I will try to be a tad less...folded?
     
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  13. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    Seems interesting :) You have Archery club in your uni?

    Everyone here's giving good advices. XD

    Another advice of my own is for your inner self; try to see the good in people, not the bad (this is after the basic etiquette / manner / human decency, of course).

    You can see one flaw and call it a day, or see one goodness and call it a day. I kinda understand your obsession / upholding wittiness/ discouraging stupidity, I still do that. But that's the point; people live to perfect each other. An earnest upbringing, honest heart, kind behavior, competency, is just worth the same as wittiness is for people.
    In fact, they might be entirely different. (I put it in colors; some picture may not have much colours; saying the picture lacks a colour when it has none to begin with is kinda oxymoron by itself)

    In short, see what can they bring, instead of what could / should they bring.
     
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    #13 Trifoilum, Jun 24, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  14. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    I'm now very, very jealous... :) lol. I hope it goes well! Clubs are usually good places to meet friends, 'cause you already have one thing in common.
     
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  15. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    Saying "hi" and moving from there sometimes works.

    Joining in on activities is also good.
     
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  16. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    @Melkor: for some reason I think it would be an absolute hoot to go out people-watching with you, just to hear your comments/views on what you see.


    edit: on the friend making question - finding people with similar interests helps too. That way you both have some third party or an object you can focus on, so that the focus isn't entirely on you - if you are uncomfortable with the focus being on you.
     
    #16 Flavus Aquila, Jun 24, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  17. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    I'd play some Timesplitters: FP with you, except Ireland is quite a way.
     
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  18. OP
    Melkor

    Melkor Madman with a cause

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    No it's not Chazz, I went to Manchester, walked around, seen a football match, got two trains and a plane home, all in one day!:D

    Haha, whys that Flavus?

    Is it my habit of being rather blunt about people and noticing minor character traits or flaws quite quickly?

    It gets me in trouble a lot.

    Yeah Laurie, Archery sounds grand.

    I wanted to do Fencing, but they currently only have a junior one.
     
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  19. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    ...Where are you going to get these clubs? I want to go too! :(
     
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  20. the

    the Si master race.
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    I usually get involved in what someone else is doing and then we go drink and that makes for good friendships.
     
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