Helping my girlfriend

Psar

Psar

Four
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
Type 2
Hi.

I am a male INFJ. My girlfriend is somewhat spoiled, her parents (especially the father) never says no to her. No is not an answer for her, and she knows that if she asks enough times, she will get it here way. I help her a lot. I cook, I clean and do other types of chores. I give here massage and show my love in many different ways. I also help her a lot with her studies. I need to proofread everything she writes, she asks me thousands of questions about everything, all the time. I am used to saying yes as I like to help people, but sometimes I need time for myself and my stuff so I say no when she asks me for help.

When I say no, she tells me that I don't like to help people, and especially her. She gets really angry and will not stop telling me how unhelpful and lazy I am for not helping here. That I am egoistic and only care for my self and my stuff.

I have tried to tell here that I need to be able to say no and that she can't expect to get "yes" every time she asks for help.

How can I deal with this better without breaking up with here?
 
There is really little you can do. You can explain your thoughts and feelings to her on how she needs to be mindful and be more considerate of others needs, and understand thay she can not always have everything that she wants. What you are describing is her problem and hers alone. If she fails to see things in a more fair light, then that's who she is and she will need a lot more life experience before she does. I see a lot of warning flags with this up already, and to be honest, if this is how she is based off what you have explained, I would encourage you to break up with her.

Relationships are a two way street. If it's one way, it will not sustain. Simple as that.
 
Pretty much agree with the above post....

Telling her honestly how you feel and how always helping her with all these little things is really the only way to make her see. also, perhaps she doesn't understand the magnitude of what you help her with, for example, I know a lot of people who ask for help don't consider that that is what they are actually doing in the sense, don't recognise that it is putting the other person in a difficult position with them asking so many times. explain the individual situations to her perhaps and why it is not emotionally good for you to help all the time. INFJ's need a break from this sort of stuff once in a while for their own good.
 
Thank you very much for your answers.

I have talked to her a lot lately. I even explained INFJ personalities. She is reluctant to really understand and says I am making excuses, but she has become a lot better. I'm just tired of explaining what I am every time. But all in all, things are better than just a couple a weeks ago. I just stumbled upon this page and thought I would voice my concern.

I have considered ending the relationship, but I am not ready for that at the moment. She is still young and lacks real life experience away from the comfort of her parents. We have just moved to another country and I hope her perspective on life and on me will change over time.
 
First, her*, not 'here' (sorry).

Does she do things for you? She sounds narcissistic and like she is just using you but maybe does not really care about you. Relationships are supposed to be give and take, so if she is not giving anywhere near as much as she is taking, then you should really confront her about it- even if that means breaking up with her.
 
Sorry for the spelling mistake. English is my second language, but I usually don't such a silly mistake. Sorry.

She gives. Especially her family gives. Mostly stuff but they have helped me get a job. I am really thankful for everything they have given me.
But I don't expect her or anybody else to give me anything. I've never ask for anything in return for what I give. I won't say she is narcissistic in that sense.

She is used to getting things her way, but is willing to compromise occasionally. She also surprises me sometimes with gifts, kisses and you know what.

I think her personality comes from her upbringing. When we lived home before we moved abroad, we lived at her parents place. Her mother is a control freak from another dimension. She makes dinner everyday. She plates the food. Washes dishes and tidy up the kitchen. She has done like that everyday her entire married life. If my girlfriend makes the bed in the morning, her mother will go in and make it one more time. If my gf leaves something in the hallway or anywhere else out of place, the mother will tidy up. My girlfriend lets her control her. I think her mother believes my gf can't do anything for herself and that is also the impression my gf give her. My girlfriend get often very angry with her mother for controlling her and does not like it. But I guess she is so used to it so living without someone doing everything for her is not easy.

It is not easy, but I think she will grow now that she lives on her own. I just need to step back, say no and take the pain for the moment. She is a really sweet girl on so many other levels.
 
That doesn't sound like much fun and will burn you out eventually. In your own time, it will be better for you to part ways. Until you realise that, the only way to keep it positive and sustain the relationship is to continue to meet her expectations. I'm not judging. I had a similar experience once, and it was happy when I was able to keep them happy, but that was more about me feeling content that I'd made someone else happy, than being happy myself. Over time, as I got further away from my own happiness, my ability to consistently meet their needs was diminished, and the situation became untenable. Maybe you'll figure out a way to make it work, but don't expect her to change. She won't, as she has grown up to see that she gets all that she needs from behaving that way, and it will take her years, maybe even a lifetime, or else a dramatic event to shift that perception. I wish you the best of luck, and for your love to be returned in the measure that you give it out. :hug:
 
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I agree with Indigo. In reading your first post I saw nothing but red flags and a sense of deja vu. It screamed at me "emotional manipulation". Love works both ways and you will very quickly burn out from this but continue to hang in limbo especially if you are being fed crumbs from the loaf. What I mean is, emotional manipulators sense when you've reached your breaking point and to smooth things back over and get you back in their corner, they will do something, say something, a token to make you believe that they do love you but the changes, the positive, never last.
 
Your girlfriend seems to have learned selfish behaviors at an early age that have been repeatedly reinforced so that they are now a deeply ingrained part of her. Her behavioral neural pathways are deeply set and unlikely to change by any of your well-meaning efforts. What you see is what you get. She is abusing you and exploiting your good nature. Find someone else who is kind, generous and not such an endless pit of need.
 
Though I've seen a selfish person going through a very big change, and losing some of that selfish behaviour, I think it's never really gone. If she doesn't want to change you can't do anything about it, except accept it or leave her.
 
What? How does that make sense? If you help her all the time and she says you don't. It sounds like she just wants her way and frankly doesn't care that much how you feel about it..

Are you happy in the relationship? Or is it just that one thing?

:( :)

I'd maybe tell her it makes you sad or frustrated when she says that stuff to you. It always feels good to be understood and appreciated... :mhula:
 
Psar said:
When I say no, she tells me that I don't like to help people, and especially her. She gets really angry and will not stop telling me how unhelpful and lazy I am for not helping here. That I am egoistic and only care for my self and my stuff.

How can I deal with this better without breaking up with here?
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[MENTION=3953]Psar[/MENTION]

I would be reluctant to suggest breaking up seeing as how we've only got a few lines of text to sum up your experience with her.

I do have a question though. Have you been able to refuse to help her consistently? Not all the time, but when you really don't have the time? If you let her harass you into helping her or apologizing part of the time, then your inconsistency will probably give her the idea that all she has to do is keep bothering you if you try to refuse.

If she is as spoiled as you say she is, then it will take time for her to realize that you are serious when you say that you don't have time to help her on a given occasion.

Another question. Do you think that she would break up with you if you held your ground?
 
I agree with nearly every post here.

You have a spoiled brat on your hands, and the question is, can you live with this behavior for the rest of your life? You are seeing the very best of her while you're dating; if you decide to marry her I'm telling you, things will get much, much worse for you. Unless you're rich enough for hired servants.

You have a choice. You can either stay in this relationship and be her "rescuer" boytoy (and burn out) OR you can take a stand and tell her you're not going to put up with it, and if she doesn't like you're walking and not looking back.

Sometimes people need to wake up to the fact that they're not as great as they think they are. The BEST thing you could do for her is walk out of the relationship, so she can honestly assess who she is, and what she's doing. Right now? What incentive does she have to change? You're her enabler. You're doing everything she wants. Why change?

The only way this relationship will change is if you take the stand to change it. And who knows; maybe she'll take it as a life lesson and grow up some.

Sorry to be so harsh, but...you've got a princess, and you're her hired manservant. That's the dynamics of the relationship you have.
 
Thanks for the replies. It helps a lot.

She is becoming better. I have been able to refuse if I have something very important to do. But she often feels that I waste my time reading books or doing my stuff. So if I have spent an evening in my own thoughts, either reading, writing or anything else, she wants attention. I give her attention. I think her problem is accepting that I like to spend time on my own. Because she does not like to be alone.

She has accepted it more and more. She is not a princess in my eyes. I have often told her off, but rarely without a little fight or something else.

She is young, not used to live without her parents, and soon we will be separated for almost 4 months. This period will be the first time she have to truly be on her own.

I will not do anything with the relationship as of now. But I will talk to her about my issues and make it very serious.

I must say that I am actually more happy than you would think. But as many of you probably now, it is hard for others to understand us. This is what bothers me most.

cheers
 
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

Just let her know, that you don't mind helping her because you do I presume love her. But she needs to understand that helping her does come at cost to you.

I think the most important thing though, is to make sure that you're always there to help if she needs it. And by that I mean. "No, I'm not going to give you rides everywhere when you call me, but if you're stuck on the side of the road and you call me, I'm not just going to leave you there. " sort of thing.
 
corndogman said:
Dump her.
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Don't dump her. Throw her ass out on the street. She is disrespecting you by taking advantage of your good nature. Relationships are a two way street built on respect and trust.

Either that or just stop doing shit for her, wait for her to say something and then yell at her for how much she doesn't pay attention to what you do for her. This probably won't end well but it sounds like she needs a wake up call.
 
Psar said:
Thanks for the replies. It helps a lot.

She is becoming better. I have been able to refuse if I have something very important to do. But she often feels that I waste my time reading books or doing my stuff. So if I have spent an evening in my own thoughts, either reading, writing or anything else, she wants attention. I give her attention. I think her problem is accepting that I like to spend time on my own. Because she does not like to be alone.

She has accepted it more and more. She is not a princess in my eyes. I have often told her off, but rarely without a little fight or something else.

She is young, not used to live without her parents, and soon we will be separated for almost 4 months. This period will be the first time she have to truly be on her own.

I will not do anything with the relationship as of now. But I will talk to her about my issues and make it very serious.

I must say that I am actually more happy than you would think. But as many of you probably now, it is hard for others to understand us. This is what bothers me most.

cheers
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Sounds like you have a case of an extrovert who doesn't understand introverts. She's a personality bigot.
 
she doesn't sound like a good person. break up.

honestly, it sounds harsh but i've wasted so much time helping people who don't deserve it and it leaves you really bitter in the long run.
 
bickelz said:
Sounds like you have a case of an extrovert who doesn't understand introverts. She's a personality bigot.
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Woah, slow down there. You do not know this person, and I believe going insofar as to call a person a bigot based off a second hand report, when the individual claims to like her quite a bit, is crossing a line, and is rather insulting.
 
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