[INFJ] - Friends or something more? | Page 10 | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Friends or something more?

Have you explored the Version where you end up together but he does not keep up with your Vision or even that he turns out to be very different (from how you know him) as a romantic partner?
What happens with you when you think about this? or what happens to you in that Version, you think?
It's hard to think about this to be honest. I think if we are just too different as romantic partners and have different desires then we just wouldn't continue as a couple. The problem occurs if i really love someone i will do everything to fit and be what they want, that's the biggest issue. It drains me over time and then the whole relationship goes to hell.
 
The problem occurs if i really love someone i will do everything to fit and be what they want, that's the biggest issue. It drains me over time and then the whole relationship goes to hell.

Have you looked into types of attachment in intimacy?

I suspect you're in the 'anxious' category.
 
The length of time you've been friends complicates this. Lots of movies and shows around the good friend that falls in love and attempts to win the other one over. Objectively, I'm not sure if either one of you will make a move to jeopardize the core relationship that is built on friendship.

The specific scenario you are in is similar to some bad dating behavior that I had from 17-23. I personally found that I needed to start relationships off with the intent to date and be romantic, and when they didn't work out transition to friendship when possible.
 
It's hard to think about this to be honest. I think if we are just too different as romantic partners and have different desires then we just wouldn't continue as a couple. The problem occurs if i really love someone i will do everything to fit and be what they want, that's the biggest issue. It drains me over time and then the whole relationship goes to hell.

Oh, yes.. Understandable.. Thank you for giving it a try, though! :blush:

Might that maybe hold you in status quo? Something that tells you it might not fit, so you keep it safe in your dreams for now as long as it is possible to do so?

If you are close friends you could ask to get a coffee and tell him in general about this issue in your life, and seek his input as a friend for now. Maybe it is something you want to tackle in your personal life in 2020 so to say. :)
 
He rarely puts an effort to maintain friendships, as far as I've experienced it.. We haven't spoken for a year because he just doesn't try to stay in touch. And he's like that in general. I'm his only female friend (a close one at least). And he's said that to me a couple of times that he's sorry he doesn't write and that he just sucks at it. It's not a good excuse to me tho.
Is he terribly busy with a career or family issues or something?
lol you are such a chancer :p And it worked!
I don't think it's rude to ask for a recap, I just wanted to cut through the pages of paragraphs speculating about specific incidents and get right to what's happened in brief.
 
I don't think it's rude to ask for a recap, I just wanted to cut through the pages of paragraphs speculating about specific incidents and get right to what's happened in brief.

It's not rude, I agree
 
Shy Guy, doesn't open up that quickly with his feelings. I'd say go out on a date, choose a location (together or ask if he knows a spot), ask how he sees you (both) during the date. Get a bit tipsy to get it more flowing ;).

I also feel like a proficient SiFe user would not just "disappear" for entire periods. They tend to be very stable and reliable not just with others but in their life patterns in general.
 
Have you looked into types of attachment in intimacy?

I suspect you're in the 'anxious' category.
You mean the anxious, avoidant and secure? I read about them .. I guess I'm leaning towards the anxious kind. I'm different with different people tho, depends on my partner. In all relationships that I had I felt different, they weren't even similar issues or breakup reasons. When I was around 15-20 I certanly was an anxious type. But I've learned a lot since then, and still learning. :relaxed:

I personally found that I needed to start relationships off with the intent to date and be romantic, and when they didn't work out transition to friendship when possible.
That sounds weird. I personally feel like it's best to be friends first, get to know them etc. I've never had that kind of relationship (that would evolve from long term friendship) but seems incredible.

Something that tells you it might not fit, so you keep it safe in your dreams for now as long as it is possible to do so?

If you are close friends you could ask to get a coffee and tell him in general about this issue in your life, and seek his input as a friend for now. Maybe it is something you want to tackle in your personal life in 2020 so to say. :)
There's always something telling me ''what if it won't work out''. And I'm always thinking of 10 different outcomes of every decision I make. Yeah I like to have him in my deams.

Is he terribly busy with a career or family issues or something?
Not that I know of. And I doubt he's busy with it for years.

Shy Guy, doesn't open up that quickly with his feelings. I'd say go out on a date, choose a location (together or ask if he knows a spot), ask how he sees you (both) during the date. Get a bit tipsy on the date to get it more flowing ;).
I was thinking if instead of telling him how I feel, I would ask him how he sees us or something in that context (preferably through text):sunglasses:

I also feel like a proficient SiFe user would not just "disappear" for entire periods.
Who would just disappear tho.. And he's not doing it intentionally.. I'm positive he's intoverted and feeler. About other stuff I'm not so sure.
 
You mean the anxious, avoidant and secure? I read about them .. I guess I'm leaning towards the anxious kind. I'm different with different people tho, depends on my partner. In all relationships that I had I felt different, they weren't even similar issues or breakup reasons. When I was around 15-20 I certanly was an anxious type. But I've learned a lot since then, and still learning. :relaxed:

Sure! I'm not trying to box you in, of course. I don't doubt you've learned a lot :) But knowing about these dynamics can be helpful in terms of background.

I'm anxious too, by the way.

That sounds weird. I personally feel like it's best to be friends first, get to know them etc. I've never had that kind of relationship (that would evolve from long term friendship) but seems incredible.

I think @Daustus is right that moving from a 4-year friendship to something more romantic is a tricky thing. It would be much easier to be flirty straightaway in a sense because you don't have the friendship baggage in mind. From this perspective it's quite possible that supposing him to be interested, he would also find it difficult to express it openly to you. It's not impossible but the years of friendship make it trickier.

I was thinking if instead of telling him how I feel, I would ask him how he sees us or something in that context (preferably through text):sunglasses:

If you're more comfortable about that, why not? The thing is, if he likes you romantically, it doesn't really matter how you reach out to him. He will let you know he is interested in the same way regardless. :)
 
om this perspective it's quite possible that supposing him to be interested, he would also find it difficult to express it openly to you. It's not impossible but the years of friendship make it trickier.
Yeah I agree. It's hard to just jump to romance after 4 year of knowing him. For a long time I saw him only as a friend and honestly it was bit scary when I noticed how I'm slowly falling for him.:grimacing: If you start with flirting when you meet and he flirts back you're basically done, with friendship yeehh it's tricky.
But when you're past that and you actually both like each other, from that perspective it's better to have a relationship evolved form friendship.
 
Not that I know of. And I doubt he's busy with it for years.
You may not know of it. For instance if he's got complex mental health issues and is hiding it you might never know. Perhaps he has some personal issue that he's embarrassed about or needs to keep under wraps for some other reason.
 
You may not know of it. For instance if he's got complex mental health issues and is hiding it you might never know. Perhaps he has some personal issue that he's embarrassed about or needs to keep under wraps for some other reason.
Now that I think about it, he did briefly mention anxiety, I don't know in what context though, I know we were sitting somewhere and he was looking in his hands and then the word anxiety came out, I think it was about a thing that could give him/gave him anxiety.. I remember thinking that he doesn't seem like a person that would have anxiety at all. He's always happy, funny,.. So I just said to myself he doesn't have it and forgot about it because I know it's horrible and don't want him to ever feel it.
So I hope you're wrong.