Ren said:
The circumstances are rarely ideal when it comes to us finite humans, though.
I think that's true in a very general sense of course -- the world is not ideal in every way. But to be clear, when someone says "Ideally, you will not fail all your classes," that is not suggesting that the world must be ideal in every way for this to happen -- it just means that
as relevant to the problem of passing the classes, circumstances are ideal. And they often are -- i.e. for many students, circumstances are perfectly up to their finishing without failing every class.
Here, the point is whether circumstances are ideal enough that BlackHorse is able to maintain the friendship. I know that varies person to person, but I think I've run across a reasonable number of people who can handle that sort of thing, but not everyone. I don't judge them, obviously -- it's not their fault. But it's also undeniably a sad state of affairs.
I'm not sure just preserving the friendship while doing nothing else is the best approach. I think there is a high likelihood that she will end up frustrated and unhappy if she doesn't either 1) find a way to express how she feels
As I've said, the ideal circumstance is, for me, if everyone can be fully open and nothing bad would happen. That's what I strive for with my friends. I do think it kind of sucks to have to hold these things in when it's an intimate part of someone.
However, it depends to me a lot on the parties involved ... if BlackHorse were OK with it, but knew that her friend would probably find it harder to carry on, I'd say the optimal decision is to not let him know. It sort of seemed like she was OK with it at the start, and I was pushing to see whether, despite the growing feelings, it could still be the best decision. Purely having strong feelings does not, to me at least, close the deal.
It depends if she is psychologically disposed so that the loss of the friendship is more painful or so that not having her feelings reciprocated is more painful. I've encountered both types in my life.
BlackHorse said:
they usually drift apart naturally. The whole situation gets a bit awkward so that friendship is more or less ruined. But then again it depends on maturity level and the whole process of expressing feelings.
Yeah, I know that's often the case, I just consider it unfortunate/don't see good reasons for it in the sense that sure we accept that it may happen, but it seems reasonable to see how to prevent it. It seems to be more or less a habituated thing. There were probably times when the fact that a son or daughter converted to a different religion would make it too painful for the parents to maintain much more than a distant relationship with them... but with times, those trends can change as people realize it's sad and there's not that good a reason for it.
