Oh my god, that’s me. I absolutely detest small talk and often have trouble remembering names and faces of people I’ve just met. I’m always so afraid of offending people because of that, haha. I also prefer working alone because it helps me get things done without interruptions, and I ALWAYS rehearse what I say before I’m supposed to deliver a speech in class, or whatever. Like, I HAVE to have a script or I’d feel unprepared. I don’t talk much with people outside my social circle (I have a very small one), but with my friends I’m like a radio that no one can turn off. Literally. I like to think of myself as introverted and reserved, but the truth is it doesn’t take a lot for me to open up to someone and pour my heart out to them. I’ve gotten hurt several times over the years because of my trusting nature, and there was a period of time when I didn’t want to talk to anybody and just wanted to dissociate, but now I’m learning to reach out again. I’m lucky that most people I’ve met are good and, you know, not morally corrupted. Some of them may have unintentionally hurt my feelings but I don’t blame them anymore. Like, I don’t blame all the guys who have rejected me. I certainly don’t blame any of them for planting seeds of doubt in my mind that I’m “too much” or “not enough” because I know that introversion doesn’t look “sexy” on me. Lol. At least I have a rich inner world. A girl can go her whole life without hearing the words “I love you” spoken in romantic terms. I mean, who needs a romantic partner when you can live and love inside your own head? Fictional guys are way hotter.
Wow.
Me.
Still me.
That is why, despite my trusting nature, I don’t let people get too close anymore. I’m always second- guessing my words, wondering if I’ve said too much and if other people will find me annoying if I constantly talk about myself. I have to filter everything I say so that people won’t be offended. I edit my words before I send the message. I am constantly fabricating myself because to let yourself be seen is the ultimate surrender. What if you let someone in only to have them withdraw from you because you’re nothing like the ideal they have in their head? Revealing your vulnerabilities is like being completely naked in front of another person. You’re taking the risk of letting them see you in your entirety, scrutinize you and think, “Oh, she’s too plain/boring/shy.” Or worse, they might take one look at you and shake their head thinking that one of your specific body parts isn’t “hot” enough. INFJ women hate being objectified, and we are not the prize for the male gaze. Honestly I’d rather shut down completely than be treated like that by someone who doesn’t appreciate me for who I am. I’m done with these games. I honestly don’t care about getting rejected anymore, nor do I want to “reveal my true self” to other people, guys in particular. I’d rather take care of myself than perform the role of someone else’s entertainment.