Effective strategy for dealing with a lazy child? | INFJ Forum

Effective strategy for dealing with a lazy child?

Zero Angel

Zero Angel

Permanent Fixture
Dec 2, 2008
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Possibly 4w5
I have 3 girls. One is an 11 year old, the other is a 9 year old, and the third is a 6 year old.

The 11 year old is possibly an ISFJ. She's helpful and she often takes up slack for the younger ones. The 9 year old is most likely a P, and gets impulsive/easily distracted from cleaning. She will nearly always play while the older one gets frustrated at having to clean up after her or expend all her effort at 'babysitting' her while she cleans.

I would like to know if any one knows any good strategies for handling this kind of situation. I have tried to isolate her through 'dont come out until its all clean', but she will just sit in her room and cry, and I feel bad about being so harsh.

Are there any more effective methods of doing this?
 
Yes.


Realize you're not being harsh by making her clean up her
own mess. If she cries, let her. Don't back down. Do not
let her leave her room just because she cries. She's crying
on purpose. She's manipulating you and you're letting her.
I was that child once. I know.
 
hahamoveuh7.jpg
 
Ground her, until she does what she cleans it.

Or try to make it "fun" for her.
 
Bribery never worked with me. I took the grounding, the taking away of the TV...but I probably would've cleaned if Mom took away any of my hobbies. What does she love to do the most? Tell her no TV, no movies, no phone, no fun book reading, no...whatever for a full day (or two) until she gets it done. And then follow it through.
 
Realize you're not being harsh by making her clean up her
own mess. She's manipulating you and you're letting her.
I was that child once. I know.
Click to expand...

whoa i agree with bird.. i can understand your guilt but i think its important to realize children need rules and boundaries bc theyre extremely beneficial for theyre sense of safety and security. sometimes we have to show that we care by saying no and its one of the most reaffirming acts of love a parent can give if its done honestly and consistently. its a proven fact children living with overly lenient parents live with as much stress if not more than those living with overly strict parents, so its all about finding the middle ground i think.
 
I've raised four (two boys, two girls now in their 20s). My advise is: I have no idea...kids each are their own mystery!! Try something positive, a reward for tasks accomplished....maybe incremental awards for at least getting SOME of the task finished. Be sure the skill level for the task is appropriate to the age. My advise comes from a grandpa perspective and so may be worthless. :)
 
Yeah I resolved the most recent situation by telling her that she was to remain in her room for 1 hour. If it was clean before then, I would let her out early.

The phrasing of this seemed to have worked better than the "Dont come out until your room is clean". She came out 15 minutes later with a clean room, I inspected it and none of the garbage was hidden, she did a great job and I let her know it.
 
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Zero Angel said:
Yeah I resolved the most recent situation by telling her that she was to remain in her room for 1 hour. If it was clean before then, I would let her out early.

The phrasing of this seemed to have worked better than the "Dont come out until your room is clean". She came out 15 minutes later with a clean room, I inspected it and none of the garbage was hidden, she did a great job and I let her know it.
Click to expand...

Perfect! It looks like you found the solution with positive phrasing! :D

Oh, I forgot about a few links - these are pretty cool, for kids who are into either fantasy card games or Neopets. For the Neopet fiend: http://www.handipoints.com/ . For the fantasy D&D child: http://www.chorewars.com/
 
Zero Angel said:
Yeah I resolved the most recent situation by telling her that she was to remain in her room for 1 hour. If it was clean before then, I would let her out early.

The phrasing of this seemed to have worked better than the "Dont come out until your room is clean". She came out 15 minutes later with a clean room, I inspected it and none of the garbage was hidden, she did a great job and I let her know it.
Click to expand...



:)



What a good dad.



Tactful phrasing is
definitely a good idea.
 
Yea I kind of want to use chorewars just to motivate myself. lol.
 
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randomsomeone said:
I've raised four (two boys, two girls now in their 20s). My advise is: I have no idea...kids each are their own mystery!! Try something positive, a reward for tasks accomplished....maybe incremental awards for at least getting SOME of the task finished. Be sure the skill level for the task is appropriate to the age. My advise comes from a grandpa perspective and so may be worthless. :)
Click to expand...


Just be sure to follow through with any rewards that you might mention... my mother did not and it totally broke my trust in her. Don't tell your child that you "changed your mind." Follow through with the reward.
 
I'm not sure if this is relevant, but I grew up believing I was just being lazy, because that's what my family believed, but in reality I panicked each time I had to and shut down. (I'm slightly autistic.) One thing you need to do is make sure you never call your child lazy or get too angry at her.

Hey, I guess it was sort of relevant.
 
The phrasing probably is the most important part. I've noticed that is the biggest difference between my Mom and Dad. How they phrase things:

Dad: "Do the dishes" "Okay" "Right now" "OKAY" *mentally trying to stab him because I'm in the middle of something. 10 seconds later "You still haven't started yet?!" Occassionally I tell him I'm doing something. "Oh yeah I'm sure it's sooo important" *sarcastic* It seems like this method causes me to do it LESS even though he assumes by making me do it right then (or so he thinks) He's causing me to do it. Really he's causing me to get angry, and I'll think about how angry I am and forget I was supposed to be doing it, or not realize how long it's been. What angers me the most is the lack of respect, yes what I'm doing is important to me. He really makes it seem like he thinks I'm stupid. The dishes aren't really that important either. It just feels like he's being controlling.

Mom "Hey I need you to do the dishes" "Okay" "I'll be back in an hour, I need them done by then okay?" It feels like she's respecting me more by allowing me to finish what I'm doing. Even when she tells me she needs it done right now, she's not harsh like my dad. This makes it easier to not get angry and just do it. It's not like it's hard, but I am absentminded. If I do happen to forget and she gets angry, I feel like the anger is justified so I don't get angry back. This is why I respect my mom way more than my dad.

Mom's an INFJ. She told me that the best decision she ever made with us was to "experiment" with different ways of getting us to do things. She gives me a choice, and allows me to finish whatever I happen to be doing. She rewards my brother (ENFP) by letting him have his friends over as long as the house is clean. My sister simply has to be asked (INTJ) and then she'll do it. Try to stay in tune with what your kid respects and what they don't.
 
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Im going to have to remember this thread when my kids get a bit older. Good advice, thanks.
 
Good solution! The "stay in your room until it's clean" order allows kids to feel maligned, because who knows when they'll ever be able to finish?!? The second option is a straight-forward situation that feels less like a punishment than a bargain.
 
How important and (perhaps more importantly) how urgent is this cleaning anyway? I suspect it probably doesn't matter all that much. I'd suggest a laissez-faire approach. The biggest problem here is a J who things that if something is left undone it needs doing and falls to her to do. Get to to lay off her sister and relax. Once the P girl realizes that she is expected to be self sufficient she should have no problem doing the tasks by the time there is a good enough reason to do them.
 
I think I disagree...it's good for kids to have responsibilities, things they have to get done. Life doesn't always allow you to wait, and good work ethic is important.

I do agree that it is important to consider, when giving kids orders, whether it really needs to be done or not; however, if I know most kids, left to judge they will conclude that it never needs to be done. lol
 
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