[ENFP] Does she like me? Do you guys ever take a week alone time from someone you love?

[HorsesIncorporated]

I understand!!! I only know one ENFP and even though he is an older male that I worked with for a short time, I felt an instant connection with him. I think the ENFP and INFJ dynamic in general is beautiful, and honestly I don't know what it is either, but every time he and I had a conversation, or even if he was just in the same room with me, I felt safe and warm and cared about. He's sooo warm and inviting and precious! Lol. It's strictly platonic but it is also deep, like true friendship love, even though we only worked together! I saw him in the grocery store the other day, and he came up to me and hugged me, and I was left feeling happier and thinking, "Why aren't there more people like him?" I mean seriously, this dude talks about anything at all and I am filled with love! There is definitely something about him that I can't explain... and I think maybe that is probably why you feel so attracted to her too. That something that is there when those two types connect. (I'm not saying all ENFPs and INFJs will connect... or that those are the only types we INFJs connect with... you know what I mean though)

Honestly, I feel the same way. She just opens me up and takes such a genuine interest in what I care about, and listens to me ramble. At first, I hated her rambling...then I realized I loved it because it meant she cared about me enough to ramble to me about things that are important to her.

 

[sassafras]

She just mentioned that her best friend mentioned it. I told her that I was totally into the idea,

Besides that, after talking to the people here, I've accepted that I'm going to end up heartbroken. It's easier to expect the worse and be surprised when life actually goes your way for once.

I disagree that it's a given that you're going to end up heartbroken. There's an equal chance that you're going to hit it off splendidly. If you expect the worst, your behavior tends to align with that and might bring it about inadvertently. On the other hand, if you expect only the best, you put the blinders on and might miss some warning signs along the way.

What about simply splitting the difference and going in with no expectations and letting whatever happens, happen? Two months. It's gonna fly. You will know soon enough... and you're not exclusive. Keep living your life until then.

 

[Lady Jolanda]

Nuhuh, I don't think Sass means you're going to end up heartbroken. You don't have to jump to that yet. I think she's advocating cautious optimism.

Also, just a side about cynicism: Cynics are just heartbroken idealists.

 

[sassafras]

My only advice is:

If you’re going to Moscow be sure you’re doing it for you, not her.

Do not spend money on her.

Do not volunteer your monogamy to (or expect monogamy from) someone who is inviting you to have cyber threesomes.

If she’s not grooming you, she’s on a way more casual level than what you’re obviously looking for. Proceed if you will, but take her off the pedestal. Keep your heart close and your eyes open.

This is good advice.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

I disagree that it's a given that you're going to end up heartbroken. There's an equal chance that you're going to hit it off splendidly. If you expect the worst, your behavior tends to align with that and she might pick up on it too. If you expect only the best, you might have blinders on. What about simply splitting the difference and going in with no expectations and letting whatever happens, happen?

I'm optimistic that it might go well, but I'm prepared for the worst. I made a joke about getting a kiss from her at the airport, and she said "If you land at SVO airport, I'll give you two. ;D"...SVO is one of three airports in Moscow, and I'm guessing the closest to her. I mentioned that she told me she never does PDAs in public and feels like she's being watched, and she told me that maybe she'd say fuck you to her rule. I was a bit shocked at that.

This is good advice.

It's the best cynical advice I've seen in the thread

 

[April]

Honestly, these two are on the right track in that they're actually going to see each other in September when OP moves to Moscow for school. And it isn't that crazy (at least to me) that someone might be more cautious with declaring such deep and involving feelings for someone they've never met in person.They might hit it off and they might not and people move at different speeds. It's not like she's being shady and refusing to acknowledge his feelings. She is expressing that she does care and she misses him. As long as both persons in the relationship continue to be honest with each other and communicate clearly (which it seems like they're doing), I don't see why anyone is encouraging OP to pull the plug. He's got less than two months to go and, for weal or for woe, he'll know where the relationship is heading.

No need to panic prematurely.

Hmm, I don't disagree with this, I just feel that if she really liked him, she would not spend a month not talking to him. We feelers like to go with what we feel, and it seems the may be using logic to be cautious and smart if that is what she is doing.. IDK I could be wrong. But if it were me, I would know the right thing to do would be cautious, but I would not be able to, I would even lie to myself and convince myself that my feelings weren't that strong, just so I could continue talking to them and having that connection. I don't have the discipline to stay away from someone I feel for that way lol. I know, it's a problem. LOL

 

[April]

And all of the other people commenting were NTJs...THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND US.

@Deleted member 16771 understands a great deal of how we feel, he's basically an INTJ with loads of INFJ tendencies... in fact he thought he was INFJ. He's just cynical about these things, lol. But he has a point, he just drove it home too hard in Hos style... lol. But I am curious for you to answer his question. Do you know why she is going through a hard time? That might explain everything. In which I would retract everything I have said if I knew it was something like she was beaten by a previous lover and is scared to death of love, so she distances herself from you for fear of history repeating in PTSD fashion... lol. Just saying, it could be something that would change my entire perspective on this. Nothing is EVER black and white to me!

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Hmm, I don't disagree with this, I just feel that if she really liked him, she would not spend a month not talking to him. We feelers like to go with what we feel, and it seems the may be using logic to be cautious and smart if that is what she is doing.. IDK I could be wrong. But if it were me, I would know the right thing to do would be cautious, but I would not be able to, I would even lie to myself and convince myself that my feelings weren't that strong, just so I could continue talking to them and having that connection. I don't have the discipline to stay away from someone I feel for that way lol. I know, it's a problem. LOL

That month apart was before we got as close as we are now. After that month apart, she seemed to care way more about me and told me how much she missed me. This month apart was back in May actually. And actually, I just realized she has said she loved me...but in a different way. She does hate labels, with everything, not just this. She went away for a month because her best friend's (Eugenia) mom passed away and she (Eugenia) had no one else left, so my INFJ was helping her with funeral stuff (paperwork, giving her a place to stay, etc.). Galya is her best friend who suggested all three of us do something together

You know what I've been thinking... how I kept on saying that what we're having is magical. And it is! The connection is there between us, it always was and always will be. The problem was that we tried to push ourselves into some kind of boundaries. Asking ourselves what am I to you and so on. Does it really matter if we're friends, acquaintances, best friends, lovers, or whatnot? *No*. We are who and what we are. And that's perfect

So yes, you love me. And I do love you too if love is this connection. And I love Eugenia. And I love Galya. And several other people in my life. I call them friends because that's the common term for those you have a special connection with. But maybe that's love? Why not?

But honestly, now that I read this, I just lose all hope I had in the situation, though we also grew a lot closer since she said this. I think I'm just gonna give up before I make anymore of a fool out of myself.

@sassafras this is the post I was referring to, though she has kissed Eugenia and Galya too..

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

@Deleted member 16771 understands a great deal of how we feel, he's basically an INTJ with loads of INFJ tendencies... in fact he thought he was INFJ. He's just cynical about these things, lol. But he has a point, he just drove it home too hard in Hos style... lol. But I am curious for you to answer his question. Do you know why she is going through a hard time? That might explain everything. In which I would retract everything I have said if I knew it was something like she was beaten by a previous lover and is scared to death of love, so she distances herself from you for fear of history repeating in PTSD fashion... lol. Just saying, it could be something that would change my entire perspective on this. Nothing is EVER black and white to me!

She also told me how her last boyfriend cheated on her multiple times.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Now after reading what she wrote me a few months ago, I feel even more stupid. I'm so embarrassed that I thought this would ever actually work.

 

[April]

Ah, I guess it ate it. Yeah, her best friend suggested a threesome between the three of us. Her best friend is extremely attractive, so we started a group chat and we were all flirting/getting sexual/teasing each other, which I as an ENFP love. I asked her privately if it bugged her that I was flirting with her best friend and she said "Of course not, we're not mutually exclusive, so why would it bug me? I introduced you guys in the first place." I also have a Tinder account, so I flirt there too. But she knows, and I've told her explicitly, that if she decides she wants me to be exclusive with her, I will in a heartbeat.

Hmm, a red flag to me. While threesomes may sound fun, if I was involved with one of them romantically, I would be upset then. If I had any feelings at all for one of them, I would be scared to death they would not like me after being with another person... yes, jealousy. Which is why I will probably never have a threesome despite being attracted to both sexes, because I don't want to have sex with someone I don't have feelings for, and if the feelings are there, I'd be scared of a threesome! Just my side of things... as one individual INFJ... and we are all kinda different so IDK take what I say with a grain of salt if you want

 

[April]

Ah, I guess it ate it. Yeah, her best friend suggested a threesome between the three of us. Her best friend is extremely attractive, so we started a group chat and we were all flirting/getting sexual/teasing each other, which I as an ENFP love. I asked her privately if it bugged her that I was flirting with her best friend and she said "Of course not, we're not mutually exclusive, so why would it bug me? I introduced you guys in the first place." I also have a Tinder account, so I flirt there too. But she knows, and I've told her explicitly, that if she decides she wants me to be exclusive with her, I will in a heartbeat.

Hmm, a red flag to me. While threesomes may sound fun, if I was involved with one of them romantically, I would be upset then. If I had any feelings at all for one of them, I would be scared to death they would not like me after being with another person... yes, jealousy. Which is why I will probably never have a threesome despite being attracted to both sexes, because I don't want to have sex with someone I don't have feelings for, and if the feelings are there, I'd be scared of a threesome! Just my side of things... as one individual INFJ... and we are all kinda different so IDK take what I say with a grain of salt if you want

 

[sassafras]

Hmm, I don't disagree with this, I just feel that if she really liked him, she would not spend a month not talking to him. We feelers like to go with what we feel, and it seems the may be using logic to be cautious and smart if that is what she is doing.. IDK I could be wrong. But if it were me, I would know the right thing to do would be cautious, but I would not be able to, I would even lie to myself and convince myself that my feelings weren't that strong, just so I could continue talking to them and having that connection. I don't have the discipline to stay away from someone I feel for that way lol. I know, it's a problem. LOL

I think everyone is different and if she's going through something, like OP mentioned, she might not have the energy to be with him at her optimal social functioning. I do this. When I'm going through a bout of extreme stress or depression, I hermit and possess zero desire to socialize or be 'on' for people because I want to focus on myself for a little. Having someone else in the equation actually stresses me out because I'm monitoring my reactions and considering the other person instead of letting myself express my messier emotions more genuinely. It doesn't mean I don't care. On the contrary, it means I care enough about the relationship to know when I need 'me time' because I'm about to become a moody bitch and I don't want anyone I care about caught in that crossfire.

Wanting alone time doesn't have to be a red flag. Especially if that person is clearly communicating that they need it and being sure to validate and make up for that time when they're back to themselves. That's just how some people process. Just because its different from your way of doing things doesn't mean it has to be a worst case scenario.

Then again, it's just as likely that what you're saying is true too and maybe she's got other priorities.

There's so little we know about this girl and about this relationship. I'm just trying to be cautious about sowing any additional doubts in OP's mind that may be unfounded.

Once again, my stance on this is: wait and see. There's too many missing pieces and OP is going to find out soon enough.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

Hmm, a red flag to me. While threesomes may sound fun, if I was involved with one of them romantically, I would be upset then. If I had any feelings at all for one of them, I would be scared to death they would not like me after being with another person... yes, jealousy. Which is why I will probably never have a threesome despite being attracted to both sexes, because I don't want to have sex with someone I don't have feelings for, and if the feelings are there, I'd be scared of a threesome! Just my side of things... as one individual INFJ... and we are all kinda different so IDK take what I say with a grain of salt if you want

Of course it has jealousy, but I can catch feelings easily...I can be into someone within 5 minutes of talking to them, especially if they're flirty, which her friend was (she's an ENFP too)...three way relationships sometimes work, and I guess I'm willing to give anything a chance at least once.

Doesn't matter now though lol

EDIT: If I'm in a commited relationship, the catch feelings in 5 minutes thing isn't true.

 

[April]

I can't read all that text right now.She lives in another country, and she wants "alone time".

You need another girlfriend. Not because she's a bad person or she isn't right for you. Who knows anything about that. What I do know is you're putting yourself in a bad situation where you need to do the work to make this work out. It is because youe need to visit her, that she takes you for granted. She is probably fucking some other dude, and is waiting for you to fuck up by saying something shitty after not speaking with her for a while. Whether it you being too needy, or you getting paranoid about the situation. Whether she actually intended for that, it'll happen either way while she doesn't want to think about the good part of you when she's with some other guy.

This all sounds like supposition. Well, maybe it should have never been proposed as an idea if you didn't put yourself in a situation where you have to climb over a mountain to be with her.

Get a girl close to you, even if you "don't like her".
Instead of thinking that you need to be convinced over time online that she's (any girl online) the one.

No girl is going to like you at first. In person, a girl will blow you off, and that would be the end of it as most guys aren't putting any energy into it afterwards. They'll write it off as her being a bitch, or not their type. Online she'll be observing you for a while before she's considered you, and adjusted her behavior towards you before you even thought about it or judged her.

The reason I'm saying all that is because we tend to think that people are special, and you likely never find these special people IRL. When the fact is that everyone has likely hidden the best part of themselves when catered to your perception, and we usually don't break the ice as introverts IRL to see it.

And the reason I say that is. Get it out of your head that she's amazing, and go find someone without all these bullshit romantic barriers between you. And fucking make it amazing. That will always be on you, not her. She'll be as amazing as much as she values you.

I don't know what to say here! I can't decide if I agree because... its @ruji... or I disagree because... its Ruji! Haha. <3 (Actually, there is some good shit in that post @HorsesIncorporated .... I know he's a hard ass but some of this is really good albeit harsh... and some is horseshit Ruji! Lol. Not all girls do that shit... lol But some do... a lot actually... o.o)

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

I just want to note that I made a post a couple ones back that took away all hope from my mind and will probably finalize the situation for y'all.

I completely forgot about that. Also, the alone time ENDED in May, not began in May.

 

[April]

Of course it has jealousy, but I can catch feelings easily...I can be into someone within 5 minutes of talking to them, especially if they're flirty, which her friend was (she's an ENFP too)...three way relationships sometimes work, and I guess I'm willing to give anything a chance at least once.

Doesn't matter now though lol

EDIT: If I'm in a commited relationship, the catch feelings in 5 minutes thing isn't true.

I understand that too as I have seen Polyamorous relationships. I could even consider one happily if everyone were happy and okay. But that would be a very special situation lol. Gonna go find that post that you say ends it all lol.

 

[sassafras]

Of course it has jealousy, but I can catch feelings easily...I can be into someone within 5 minutes of talking to them, especially if they're flirty, which her friend was (she's an ENFP too)...three way relationships sometimes work, and I guess I'm willing to give anything a chance at least once.

Doesn't matter now though lol

EDIT: If I'm in a commited relationship, the catch feelings in 5 minutes thing isn't true.

Some people are okay with threesomes, other people are not. Different strokes for different folks. You do whatever you're comfortable with.

I just want to note that I made a post a couple ones back that took away all hope from my mind and will probably finalize the situation for y'all.

I completely forgot about that. Also, the alone time ENDED in May, not began in May.

You'll have to explain this one to me.

Either way, I don't see the wisdom in melting down about this right now. Wait and see.

 

[JennyDaniella]

I'm an ENFP guy...I met an INFJ girl online and I'm crazy about her, and we've been talking for a few months now. She lives in another country but her English is almost perfect because she has a master's degree in English. I'm going to her country in September for University, and the plan (unless it has changed) is that I'm going to go visit her and she'll show me Moscow and possibly stay with me at the hotel if everything goes well when we meet...we even talked about having sex, to be completely honest with... I love her, and have never really been like this before. I think she likes me, and the signs I have are:

1. She tells me she adores me. She told me that she adores whenever I tell her I love her. She told me it would take a lot to make her stop adoring me.
2. When she was going through a rough time, she told me before she went AWOL for a month, which is fine. When she came back, the first think she said is "Missing you much. Not kidding." Usually when she goes for alone time, she tells me when she comes back how much she missed me.
3. One time, when she told me she missed me, she said "Isn't it funny how kiss is just one letter away from miss?"...I thought this might be her way of telling me things...
4. She's sent me songs that happened to be about love and said they remind me of her.
5. I made a joke about how I know my possessive pronouns in her language...Russian is very, very hard to learn for an English speaker, and she said "Mmm possessive ", obviously referring to sex, which we have talked about, and we have had intimate moments over video chat...in fact, she said I'm the only person she ever sent pictures like that to...
6. She's told me about trauma that happened to her as a child, and because INFJs are very private, I thought maybe this is a big deal.
7. Our messages to each other might as well be letters, we talk a lot, and ramble to each other.

The issue with this is that she told me she never really knows how she feels.

The second issue is we got into a discussion the other day, and she went full "detached therapist" and told me that sometimes, I come off as a spoiled, controlling brat. She told me she wasn't mad at all, and that she hoped this helped me. I was horrified...I never knew I came out looking like that.

So we go a few days without talking after that, and I message her asking if anything has changed between us, and to help give me insight into why one of my friends told me I'm an asshole sometimes, because I obviously don't want to be an asshole.

What she said is "Hey there! Nothing has changed, for sure. If you want some insight, watch Ruby Sparks. Calvin (main character) has many similar tendencies. It might help you understand why other people call you an asshole...*conversation continues normally* Then she tells me she needs some alone time". I watch the movie and I'm horrified that's how I appear to people. I spot so many of the similarities and I'm just mortified. I apologize to her and tell her I never knew that's how I came off and that I'm horrified about it. She read this message but didn't answer, which she never has really done before. She always leaves messages unread until she answers them...I answered her message where she asked for alone time because I never leave messages unanswered, really. So I reply.

I'm just scared that her detached therapist mode, and my pointing out my own character flaws might mean that any adoration or possible love she had for me is gone and done with, and that I just ruined any chance I had with her.

I'm going to give her 2 weeks and then message her. I guess I just wanted some INFJ opinions on this...

Hello!

INFJ here and in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend @JamieUK92 who lives in England and also is a INFJ forum member & an INFJ himself--- and I’m from the U.S.

So, coming from an INFJ perspective; I can definitely see that she does have a hard time expressing herself regarding her true feelings towards you, and can already immediately tell that she is not in love with you. I'll be completely honest on that.

Everybody has their own flow regarding love and romance, and most likely she is taking a very slow and maybe perhaps cautious route--- but to be frank, if someone really is in love or at least really likes you despite distance, they will put their full commitment and time towards you, even if they are going through some hurdles.

The last few months, similarly to what she is going through actually, I have been dealing with internal demons and childhood traumas that have been putting me in a black rut; but even through that, I still go to my partner for support and reveal my vulnerabilities and feelings to him.

INFJs are indeed private, but if we really like someone and cherish the connection, we tend to put our walls down for those we truly like and feel its a deep connection and is worth it. We don't typically do that for everyone, but if we really do like someone or potentially love them, then those walls are usually down. Distance makes no difference to those who truly love each other and know that the relationship is worth it in the end. My partner and I haven't met each other yet (but will very soon and have tickets already), and we still took the risk and went with our feelings for one another.

Anyways personally, I do find it quite odd that her communication with you is very sporadic, but that's just me honestly. Before my partner and I became an official couple, we took the time to talk with one another through private messaging daily and get really personal and know one another---past, flaws, vulnerabilities, doubts, struggles, heartbreak, etc.

So from what I see, do tread lightly. In all complete honesty, she might like you (most likely as a friend) and nothing more than that for now. See how it all goes with you and her, but do enjoy your life and what is going good in your life. Don't put your full emotional investment in her, especially considering the current situation and her hesitancy with her feelings towards you. Take it slow, and see how it goes.

 

[HorsesIncorporated]

I understand that too as I have seen Polyamorous relationships. I could even consider one happily if everyone were happy and okay. But that would be a very special situation lol. Gonna go find that post that you say ends it all lol.

Also, she's kissed both Galya and Eugenia.