do you expect to be abandoned? | INFJ Forum

do you expect to be abandoned?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Nat, May 29, 2009.

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  1. Nat

    Nat Newbie

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    As an INFJ, I now just expect to be rejected or to have people leave me after the initial mystery has worn off (very quickly). Sometimes, I sense that people think I'm too quiet, or too intense or just weird because I have lots of different interests.

    Does anyone else just expect negative reactions to INFJ-ness nowadays?

    I find it very difficult to find people attracted to our personality type. It's usually INTJs who like me because we both like learning new things.
     
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  2. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    I have abandonment issues, but I doubt it relates to my typology. Generally, I think a lot of people like our type, but with such a minority population with the world, with a whole lot of varying opinions; it doesn't tend to work w/ everyone

    If that makes sense >.>
     
  3. RetardedMonkey

    RetardedMonkey Community Member

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    I feel the same way! I do have abandonment issues from childhood and throughout my life and that causes me to be a little paranoid. Because of my fear of abandonment and rejection I tend to keep to myself alot. I am convinced that once people get to know the real me they won't like me anymore.

    I make friends very quickly and easily but after a while I get the feeling that they think I'm odd. Which I think has a lot to do with my INFJ-ness and how I don't act like everyone else.

    I'm wondering if they are really are rejecting me for ME or because it's what I'm fearing and subconsciously that's what I project. Or maybe I just have really good intuition?
     
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  4. rainrise

    rainrise Community Member

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    people think a lot of things and they are not always true. we ourselves also think a lot of things in respect to our own self and they are not always true.

    i don't believe people find it very difficult to be attracted to our personality type, but i do think that it may take longer for the majority of them to understand us. we are severely misunderstood and because we use our auxiliary function to deal with the external world, it is not often that people in general can see our dominant function, or in other words our best side.

    this is unfortunate since many cannot or do not even want to make the effort to see further, perhaps because they do not think there is anything more to see or do not wait long enough for it to appear. it is also unfortunate when we ourselves may feel it is a lost cause and do not try to help others outside understand us. all too often we do not give people a chance.

    i have personally never met another INFJ in my life, or maybe i have but haven't realized. i have experienced implicit rejection all my life and early on tried to fit with external standards, only to feel more abandoned in a place i tried to be yet did not truly belong. this is the type of abandonment i experienced and experience still from time to time: an abandonment of my own integrity.

    i find that we may be described as rare, but that just does not force us to diverge from our interests and behaviours that come so naturally to us in order to fit in. ultimately, we will be more satisfied in our the niche we are comfortable in. our rarity of course does not make us special in any way, but like any other type, needing of understanding and acceptance from the others.
     
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  5. Creon

    Creon Community Member

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    Not really. Being abandoned or rejected is not something I'm afraid of. And it rarely happens to me. When it happens, I tend to think that the other person had a good reason to get away from me, and I just forget about it the next day. I've been living alone for a long time now, so maybe that's the reason behind it.

    Being betrayed however...
     
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  6. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    I've been there. It sucks. Especially because it's a lose-lose scenario. If the false you is accepted, then that reinforces that the real you is undesirable and needs to be kept under lock and key. If the false you is rejected then you feel awful because even your best efforts to be accepted ended in failure. You end up hating yourself either way.

    My approach now is to be very careful how much I open up. I have some really great friends, but honestly many of them couldn't handle it if I opened up. I share what I can, quickly learn their limits, and appreciate my relationships for what they are. Actually, I don't think I know anyone who can take all of me. I've just come to terms with the fact that I'm odd, and I'm good with that. :)
     
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  7. efromm

    efromm Hiding In My Shell...
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    Oh ya but by the time they are threw with me I have grown tired of them. Some of my friends are just like me and we can go live our lives and pick right back up like we were talking the whole time. My new motto is to help those I can help and leave the rest behind. My help is not what they need and I don't get offended by it.
     
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  8. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    In my day to day working life people seem to like me. The big stumbling block is my introversion and they don't understand why I don't socialize more. The misunderstanding of it all has caused a few potential friendships to misfire or fizzle out.
    It's only after they truly 'get' that part, the introversion, that they start to notice and question the other things they consider 'weird'. LOL
     
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  9. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    Yeah, that's been my experience too. If they're courageous enough to ask about the introversion, and a good conversation results, they're bolder to ask about other stuff. :wink:
     
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  10. Julia

    Julia Community Member

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    I have to discipline my mind to not expect rejection. I'm not sure if this is about typology though. There has been something of a pattern in my life of my liking people more than they respond to me. I'm trying to get over this. If I can conquer this and PMS, I'll be one of the most easy-going people around.
     
  11. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    I actually have more of a problem with people not letting go of me when I need them to. I am more afraid of being ignored in the beginning. I am not afraid of being abandaned.
     
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  12. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    Seeing as that seems to be the typical experience for people who fear abandonment, I have a question. If they don't like you once you 'open up', is it really that important for them to be your friend? (untactuflly phrased, I'm sorry)

    I figure that if they don't like you after you open it, it's better knowing then than wasting your time with them. I have an issue with actually becoming a person's friend and that person moving away and/or dieing.
     
  13. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    Same here. usually is me who disappears as I need to disappear after a while of interaction but I almost always return. 99.9% of the time. the 0.1% is for those that betrayed me.
     
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  14. Madison

    Madison Regular Poster

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    More than the fear of abandonment, I have a fear of negative reactions to my ideas. (I guess the negative reactions could be implicit abandonment.)
    After graduating from college, I went from one subculture to another subculture and soon realized that the way I thought was very different in this new circle of friends. What I considered normal wasn't normal with them; they questioned and judged my views. Whenever I am around these friends I avoid opening up and instead keep my opinions to myself, especially when I am just not in the mood for an argument or debate.

    I was spending time with STs!
     
  15. Madison

    Madison Regular Poster

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    No, if people don't accept me after I open up then it isn't important for them to be a friend.
     
  16. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I am extremely afraid of rejection. Its hard for me to see how anyone could like me, and I'm always afraid that once they get to know the real me, they will leave.

    Most people, perhaps nobody, knows the real me. Some people know me really well; I am very open, too open, about my problems (or perceived problems, whatever), but I still keep some of my personality to myself. I keep my true political opinions and religious beliefs to myself.
     
  17. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    well, when i meet new people for the first time, it's kind of awkward but as time passes by, they will eventually talk to me a lot...
    but then.....

    i don't know why this happens..
    at first everything is okay like we're close friends or something suddenly, it's like we've never known each other.

    :m051::m075:

    so now, i always think that eventually after people get to know me there will come a time when they will reject me....

    i don't really fear it but i always think about it (that people won't really like me no matter what which leads to me not socializing that much)

    but, it's better that way because at least i don't have to waste my time talking and being friends with them (at least they aren't pretending to like me when irl they don't):m107:
     
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  18. Krumplenump

    Krumplenump Community Member

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    Exactly. In situations that I am expected to be in - like work - I don't feel out of place and therefore the relationships I have with collegues is very very good. I get the impression they all like me and know that's true with some of them. However, when any 'extra-curricular' activity occures outside of normal working times, a wave of what I can only describe as watered-down-by-repetition terror comes over me and my answers to invites or questions become incoherant and I subsequently become extremely self-conscious. I am both content with the socialisation I get out of work but also want more at the same time. Taking the leap sucks out so much of my physical energy, the mere thought of it drains me of drive to do anything. I know I am a nice person and I know it sounds funny, but when I am with myself I feel very confident lol. What I curse myself about is simply finding it insurmountably difficult to release that true self infront of people. If can do that I know that people would like the true me. But weirdly, I also fear that if someone gets to know the real me they may not like it and I do not take dejection well. I can't simply forget them and move on, I dwell on reasons why they may not like me and think up ways to 'correct' them. basically it seems that I switch between extreme confidence and extreme lack of it, the latter being more common and party born out of the fear of being rejected if I get too close to someone.
     
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  19. efromm

    efromm Hiding In My Shell...
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    My neighbors in my neighborhood are offended that I don't socialize with them. They are all recent California transplants. I just can't see myself being friends with any of them so I keep to myself. And if I told them how I really think they would all hate me so I guess it's the lesser of two evils.
     
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  20. RetardedMonkey

    RetardedMonkey Community Member

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    Wow you made an EXCELLENT point! I don't think that was untactfully phrased at all. :) Thank you for giving me a different perspective on this. I'm going to view rejection in a more positive light from now on. Really, I wouldn't WANT to be friends with someone who's unaccepting and critical anyway so why waste my time worrying about what they think of me. :)

    Thank you! :D
     
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