Detecting and dealing with Fakeness | INFJ Forum

Detecting and dealing with Fakeness

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Solongo, Nov 3, 2009.

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  1. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    As an INFJ I have a very strong dislike for fake emotions, fake flattery, fake relationships, etc...

    I can sense them very fast and accurately but I always feel uncomfortable because I do not know how to proceed after I detect it. I don't like forcing myself to be fake in exchange. Knowing something is fake such as a person, someone's feeling or reaction toward you in this society makes me bitter at times.

    I personally despise it but I can't deny the fact that fake everything seems to make the world go around.

    How do you deal with fake people, attitudes, situations, emotions...?:m047:
     
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    #1 Solongo, Nov 3, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2009
  2. Raccoon Love

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    This is what really gets on my nerves, when I see something fake or dishonest, I detach immediately. This has not really happen often since I don't interact much, most people who have ever tried to befriend me, it was for a fake reason, they wanted something beneficial in return, they were using me and at the same time backstabbing me, people often see me as naive because I try to be nice, they don't realize that I do notice when they act all fake on me, I tolerate it for a while, but after it gets out of hand, I avoid that person, until they get bored and leave, if they really did cared they would have found a way to keep the friendship or ask what's wrong, but since they obviously did it for convenience, they just walk away and look for someone else to hunt on..
     
    #2 Raccoon Love, Nov 3, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2009
  3. OP
    Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    I think even though you have a deep desire to connect. What you have done and dealt with sounds very good and the right thing to do to protect yourself and your emotions. Keep up the good work even though you may feel lonely at times.
     
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  4. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
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    As INFJ's we all have built-in bullshit detectors--called Ni. I can spot one a mile away, I think we all can. I hate it. That "salesman" type personalilty drives me crazy. It's just so dishonest.

    How do I deal with it? Depends on the situation. Usually I ignore it or try to leave. If it is particularly offensive, I will call them on it. A sharp mind aided by Ni can be quite devistating. Usually I just try to move along. They are already making enough of an ass of themselves, in my opinion, as it is.

    It does frustrate me that so many people don't see through those types though.
     
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    Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    I try to do the same by ignoring it. But I always seem to be in a situation where I need to be out there faking it in order to gain something...like a recognition at work or impressing people that can help me in the future. Hard to balance it...
     
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  6. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Don't reciprocate it.
    Be yourself and act however is natural to you. I'm sure that kindness and common courtesy are things you value.

    Those things are not fake. If you think being kind and courteous to someone you dislike is fake, then weigh the pros and cons of being civil and keeping the peace or causing tension and conflict with someone.

    As for flattery, I wouldn't bask in it or encourage more of it. As a habit, I usually respond to it with a stone face and a quick nod. That conveys that I'm not about the bullshit, no one seems put off by it.
     
  7. Top cat

    Top cat Permanent Fixture

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    There have been a few times when I've been thought of as fake. Sometimes my actions can take its exact opposite depending who I am talking to. I'm serious at one time, and then, see me with another person I'm loud and bubbly. Almost overreacting. I can't help it sometimes, I don't know why I do it.


    There have also been times when I recognize phony behaviour in people and I decide to ignore/avoid them afterwards... but it's been a mistake of mine because the person only meant well. They would say nice things to me that they never mean, but they were really just trying to make both of us comfortable (assuming I was uncomfortable because I was so quiet all the time).
    One person I think I hurt was my dad... We're usually not close, so when he shows affection it's quite awkward and it's also feigned on his part... because he's not used to showing affection, it's comes off unnatural
     
  8. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    i hate everything fake too

    yeah like fake attitdues, fake hellos, fake smiles, fake compliments, fake body parts, fake everything

    honestly, i don't know how to deal with it too

    i hate being fake myself... i mean if i know one of the people around me is fake then i won't talk to that person ever unless needed ... i just DON'T want to talk to that person

    i will only become fake to that person if that person smiles to me or greets me, even if i know it's fake i don't want to be rude so i will smile back or greet back

    but I WOULD NOT be the first one to approach that faker:m067:

    but overall..... IT DEPENDS ON THE SITUATION AND WHO THAT FAKER IS :) :m024:
     
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  9. enfp can be shy

    enfp can be shy people vs the bad people?
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    Kill them all! Free hint: Start with ESFJs! :m144:

    In more seriousness, I think NF-ST F seems to me more sincere than SF-NT F, which seems superficial.
     
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  10. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    This honestly isn't very much of an issue for me. Reason being is I disarm people who are like this, and refuse to give them the time of day.

    It's simple really, don't play into the fallcies they give to you. That only gives them exactly what they want.
     
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  11. Naxx

    Naxx Permanent Fixture

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    I listen to them and do not reply further than acknowledgements like "I see" and "Ohh". After, I shift our conversation a topic that he/she cares enough to be sincere about or has no social gain from the topic.

    This could be questions about

    -Their family.
    -Non confrontational observations I've made about the world, asking them for their perspective.
    -Non confrontational observations about themselves.
    -Random animal facts
    -Colors we like, Weather we like, types of people we like hanging out with, type of liquor we like, etc.

    Basically in time they understand that they do not have to put up a bullshit shield for me and I that enjoy them for who they are. People who are fake are often fake because they're insecure with their own personality.

    The strategy I use is to show them that people can enjoy them for who them are. Not only do I get to extract worth while information from them but I also get to help them with their insecurity. Of course this privilege may only extend to me but at least this person isn't bullshitting me.


    Note: The more information you know about these kinds of people the better you can cockblock their bullshit with interesting and sincere conversation.
     
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    #11 Naxx, Nov 3, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2009
  12. NeverAmI

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    I am fake quite often. I try to always be true to who I really am though.

    When I first read this thread, I thought of the used car salesman too. But then I had a different thought, bear with me here.

    A single mom has everything going wrong in her life except her children. She has a crappy job, a crappy apartment, crappy clothes, and worst of all, a crappy sense of herself. Yet she lives for her children, she doesn't end it all because it breaks her heart every time she sees that wonderful innocence in their eyes. She knows they could never comprehend what she is going through. Even if they could comprehend, she would never tell them.

    So this woman plays, and laughs, and puts on her facade for her children as she pretends to be strong and reads them a story and tucks them into bed. She goes to her own room and cries herself to sleep every night. She couldn't live with herself if she ever transferred her burdens to her children. Her wost fear is that some day she will lose control and rip that innocence from her childrens' eyes.


    Now, I am not in that scenario, and I don't think I ever could be. However, I HATE to burden others with my emotions and sadness. I am a fairly miserable person in my head. I lie at work and say I am great. I lie to my boss and say I am excited to volunteer for extra work. I am fake all the time. But my intentions are not hidden. I built up a sense of humor because no one likes the real me, including myself. Trust me, I tried.

    So, I wonder if this is the question you really meant to ask?
     
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    #12 NeverAmI, Nov 3, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2009
  13. Loveiswonderful

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    I wonder (and you don't have to respond) what is it about you that you don't like?
     
  14. OP
    Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    Great way to disarm people! I seem to only do it fi I deem that person worthy...like maybe someone I sense is sincere but acting fake to please everyone and also family and boyfriends...i can "deal" with their fakeness. But everyone can just kiss my :m024:
     
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  15. OP
    Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    First of, NEVER EVER SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF!

    That being said, I think you are a wonderful person John....unless you have been fake to me and others in the forum!:m067:

    Seems like the issue you bring up has to do with emotional sacrifice rather than working with the status quo of things. I understand the scenario with the mother and daughter,...however I am not a big believer in hiding emotional pain even if it is from your kids...kids are very intelligent and their Ni is more developed than adults. They may not understand the life situation and why mommy is going through those things, but they definitely sense her emotions and actually there for her.

    The ONLY thing i think the mother should NOT do is to talk about her emotions to her kids like they are her friends or girlfriends. Instead explain the emotions in simple terms and make light of things so the kids can start to understand various emotions without the emotional heaviness and burden that the mother is feeling. Ultimately, you're right the mother has to deal with her pain but completely hiding those strong feelings to not hurt the kids might actually be hurting the kids.

    But the general question was regarding more to the external world, workplace, friendships,...random everyday events we are part of....

    I guess everyone does act fake to a certain degree depending on the situation. As long as you don't lose your true self...but fearing and assuming others won't like you is also a wrong way to approach it i think. in fact, being yourself and interacting with others as your true self reveals many facets of your personality and it weeds out those who are Real friends and such and those who aren't worth bothering with.

    Hugs,
    Solongo
     
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  16. slant

    slant Leave me be

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    then you'd hate me, I have a false leg. O the hardships of sailing the seven seas...
     
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  17. Loveiswonderful

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    I usually listen (to gather as much info that I can on them and affirm my intuition) and if they are flattering me, I'll say something like, "Don't flatter me, I don't like it. I'd prefer that you be sincere or say nothing at all."

    If they are lying and I know it, I'll say something like, "You know that is not the truth, so be real."

    But then, sometimes...I just let them talk and I don't say anything. I just use it as an opportunity to gain info about them; which teaches me where I can't and can go with them. For the most part I avoid them.

    I usually call them on it. They usually hate me for exposing them.

    But, I have a question to pose:

    How do you guys handle it when someone is being fake around or deceiving someone you care about and they can't see it.

    Do you tell the person you love or wait until they figure it out themselves?

    What are your experiences with it?
     
  18. Bored Now

    On Holiday

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    Oh, I have fun with fake people. I let them talk and talk and talk until I get bored with their lies. Lots of smiling and nodding. Then I mock them subtly by 'innocently' pointing out their contradictions. Then the real fun begins. Its like watching a puppet tap dance over their own lies.

    But I'm not bothered by fakeness. I live in Southern California, for God's sake. If I had an aversion to every fake person or situation I came in contact with, I wouldn't leave the house. Other people's fakeness doesn't affect me in the slightest. I figure they're just bored and too lazy/fearful to live an actually interesting life. And that's sort of sad. Fakeness stems from lack of self appreciation and knowledge and discomfort with self. I find that a pitiable transgression rather than a deliberately malicious one.
     
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  19. NeverAmI

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    A great response, I think you provide a very good perspective of the scenario I presented. The mother should indeed by trying to impove upon herself to provide better for her children. Not doing so would be extremely selfish and short sighted. Sometimes though when there is no where to go, you can't help but feel despair every day.

    The concept of how I present myself is always a balancing act. I am too intsense for many people, and like you said with the children, I have to simplify it for them to understand, but I don't hide it from them completely. If I show how I really feel, I kind of get that sense of someone wide-eyed backing away from me slowly... Usually because I can't possibly explain the whole context of why I feel the way I do.

    As for small talk, I really don't like it and I am not good at it. Usually people can sense this immediately though and we either don't talk much at all or they bring up an interesting topic. I rarely bring up a topic at work because I have been burned too many times in the past with saying something I shouldn't. At work, with the people that aren't deep thinkers, I tend to think out loud, describing what I am doing on the computers in a simplified manner so they are more at ease from my lack of small talk. If I am just in a social environment and not helping anyone, I am quiet, very quiet.

    Of course, this is in an environment of people dedicated to careers and they are generally a higher caliber of person than many others I see around my town. Please don't take this as me stereotyping in general, it is simply my observation of where I live.

    For the vast majority of people in my town, I simply avoid them.
     
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  20. NeverAmI

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    I had a friend for a few years that was a habitual liar. It was an.... interesting relationship...
     
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