Defining abuse | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Defining abuse

Restraint said:
Quite true. Most individuals who are emotionally and mentally abusive are the last to be recognized as abusive because their abuse is not "visible" to the naked eye, and we're taught to think that we have complete control of our psyches and that no one can make us feel less than we are. Which is why many people blame themselves for the abuse and stay with the abuse for long periods of time. They assume it's their fault and hold themselves entirely responsible.


Even dismissive behavior can be quite abusive. Ignoring someones needs and their right to feel that their needs and concerns are valid can be a form of emotional abuse. Few people realize this.
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This is very much the way it goes since mental, emotional and spiritual abuse is often performed as an underhanded act not discernable to the average person.
It is well known how much influence one can have over another psychologically by using techniques such as ignoring, diminishing, criticizing and invalidating, but it is all to easy for people to dismiss it leaving the victim essentially revictimised by the ignorance of others over the initial act(s) of abuse.
 
Eniko said:
What about the minority who are aware and are trying to improve? Do you support them? How far?
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That's a rare thing.

I guess I have no choice but to support them, and hope that they are sincere and successful..

Perhaps I'm a tad jaded due to personal experience and my career field...
It's easy to "honeymoon" someone back into your life that you've stomped all over when they want to believe you will change.. Unfortunately, in my experience, most abusive people only pay lip service to improvement.
 
alt ctrl del said:
That's a rare thing.

I guess I have no choice but to support them, and hope that they are sincere and successful..

Perhaps I'm a tad jaded due to personal experience and my career field...
It's easy to "honeymoon" someone back into your life that you've stomped all over when they want to believe you will change.. Unfortunately, in my experience, most abusive people only pay lip service to improvement.
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This is my experience too. People can change, but rarely with the person they have already abused.
 
Solar Empath said:
True enough, I don't want you to think I am being insensitive! :) I think it can also be due to their own over sensitivity.
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Yes I agree :) So true, nice observation! At first I didn't think about that but Insensitivity towards others truly reflects their own Sensitivity!!
That is kind of what I was saying when I said that insensitivity is their intolerance; to not allow (something that one dislikes or disagrees with) to exist or occur without interference.
 
Hate to say it, but it's all relative. What hurts some is joy for others AND vice-versa. Yes! There are even those people who are actually hurt if you are being nice to them, because they consider only rude behavior to be truthful. I pity them and would like to be able to help them, but who am I to judge. They'd say I'm the one who needs help.

Apart from that, abuse can be caused even avoiding the physical police, the verbal police, the thought police. You can abuse someone physically, without doing anything technically wrong to them. You can abuse them verbally, without technically saying anything offensive. And you could even abuse them, when none of your conscious thoughts about them are abusive.

So no regulation and no official morals would be able to prevent you from abusing someone, if you have strong underlying need to do so. What causes from outside such need inside, can it be worked around, instead of confronting someone for abuse, that's the question.
 
enfp can be shy said:
Hate to say it, but it's all relative. What hurts some is joy for others AND vice-versa. Yes! There are even those people who are actually hurt if you are being nice to them, because they consider only rude behavior to be truthful. I pity them and would like to be able to help them, but who am I to judge. They'd say I'm the one who needs help.

Apart from that, abuse can be caused even avoiding the physical police, the verbal police, the thought police. You can abuse someone physically, without doing anything technically wrong to them. You can abuse them verbally, without technically saying anything offensive. And you could even abuse them, when none of your conscious thoughts about them are abusive.

So no regulation and no official morals would be able to prevent you from abusing someone, if you have strong underlying need to do so. What causes from outside such need inside, can it be worked around, instead of confronting someone for abuse, that's the question.
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I wanted to give you a rep point for this response. But I got a pop up to spread it around. You are so wise!
 
I was actually talking to someone that has a PHD in Psychology. They were saying that Anger is a physiological response. There are real things happening in the brain when someone gets angry.

But, That person is still responsible for their angry response. They need to manage it.

Also, I think that people who are abusive think that everyone deserves the treatment.

Abusive people- Abuse with anger because people deserve it. The other person is responisble for the abusive person's anger. That is the way that they see it.

They dont realize that everyone is reponsible for their own feelings and responses.

I am not sure if I am making sense.:m079:
 
enfp can be shy said:
There are even those people who are actually hurt if you are being nice to them, because they consider only rude behavior to be truthful. I pity them and would like to be able to help them, but who am I to judge. They'd say I'm the one who needs help.
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Consider the victim who has an abuser give them a compliment one minute but then demean them by sticking a foot in front of them, causing them to stumble and fall?

Too many people deal with "nice" people everyday, meaning those who claim or perpetuate the idea that they're just being nice when they're behavior hides subtle abuse.

"nice" is relative. It's a social construct. Many who claim to be nice are rarely so. They are polite and sweet, but not really "nice." Those who've been hurt by the "nice" ones learn to judge others not just by their behavior, but look more carefully at motivation and intent.

It is not wise to accept someone's word simply because they're being "nice." Sometimes, the person who's just trying to be "nice" is quite arrogant and judgemental in their intent. They say they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, when they're doing just that often through a patronizing or belittling tone. This is why many consider direct or "rude behavior" to be more honest and true.

I'm just sayin' . . .
 
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It would be on a continuum, I think. One measure is the degree to which the target person is being dehumanized.

Language that denotes someone as an animal (when meant in a derogatory way) or a body part is often associated with ideas of dehumanizing the person. That is the step that proceeds physical abuse.
 
This makes me think of when people are nice to your face and rip you apart the second that you walk away. Someone told me that in education this is called lateral violence. I know that there was recently a post on being fake. I think gossip, the vicious kind, can be so violent.
 
Not beat the anti-"niceness" argument to death with a stick, but i think people are just tired of not knowing who or when to trust. They've had to deal with so much deception in their lives from previous relationships. Because of this, even the most innocent and considerate act of kindness can be "perceived" as abuse. It's not fair of course to the person who is really trying to be nice and helpful, but it's something that people should be aware of when they enter into a relationship with someone who has experienced physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Their reluctance to accept kindness is less about you or your good intentions than about what they've experienced in the past when they trusted someone who was very kind and loving but later became abusive.
 
I think one of the biggest problems is defining a benchmark for acceptable behavior and treatment.
People do not automatically know what is moral/acceptable concerning behavior and human interaction. These are learned things and those who have dominance over those learning such pretexts (i.e. caregivers) are the most socially influential people.
 
enfp can be shy said:
Hate to say it, but it's all relative. What hurts some is joy for others AND vice-versa. Yes! There are even those people who are actually hurt if you are being nice to them, because they consider only rude behavior to be truthful. I pity them and would like to be able to help them, but who am I to judge. They'd say I'm the one who needs help.

Apart from that, abuse can be caused even avoiding the physical police, the verbal police, the thought police. You can abuse someone physically, without doing anything technically wrong to them. You can abuse them verbally, without technically saying anything offensive. And you could even abuse them, when none of your conscious thoughts about them are abusive.

So no regulation and no official morals would be able to prevent you from abusing someone, if you have strong underlying need to do so. What causes from outside such need inside, can it be worked around, instead of confronting someone for abuse, that's the question.
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I think you are totally wrong. This whole posts sounds like an excuse for hurtful behavior or a cop out for it because you don't feel like looking into the psychology of abuse.
 
Solar Empath said:
This is my experience too. People can change, but rarely with the person they have already abused.
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I have to say that I had to take a deep breath when I read this. I got a restraining order against my father 10 years ago and he can never come back.

I dont what to shut down the dialogue. I took a breathe and it is done. It would be horribly forgiving to think that people cant change.

However I WILL not wait for the change There is a difference
 
alt ctrl del said:
I think you are totally wrong. This whole posts sounds like an excuse for hurtful behavior or a cop out for it because you don't feel like looking into the psychology of abuse.
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I think that eveyone is looking at the psychology of abuse. Why do people act the way they act. Abusers are humans that are in deep need of something. If you are in a situation with an abuser, get out of it... It is that simple. Find a new job, if you can... Find a new home....Find allies... I think that this is not a black an white situation in terms of how people percieve abuse.

I do wonder if people are confusing (I can do this as well) an abrasive personality, with an abusive person. There are many different levels of hostility.
 
Abuse is something which makes you question your legitimacy as a person/human being. It makes you feel powerless, uncertain, without control, etc. Abuse can make you think you're something when you're not - inadequate. It can make you question yourself, including your entire existence. Abuse can make it easy for others to manipulate and break you.

It is an emotional, psychological force which stays with you long after it happens, with effects which reveal themselves long after you thought you were over it. It lies there in wait, sabotating your friendships and relationships. Abuse makes you feel cold and rejected. Abuse is a lie. It makes you feel unable to overcome it.
 
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Res said:
Abuse is something which makes you question your legitimacy as a person/human being. It makes you feel powerless, uncertain, without control, etc. Abuse can make you think you're something when you're not - inadequate. It can make you question yourself, including your entire existence. Abuse can make it easy for others to manipulate and break you.

It is an emotional, psychological force which stays with you long after it happens, with effects which reveal themselves long after you thought you were over it. It lies there in wait, sabotating your friendships and relationships. Abuse makes you feel cold and rejected. Abuse is a lie. It makes you feel unable to overcome it.
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Excellent way to put it, thanks for that.
 
Abuse is any action which affects/changes a person for a prolonged time, commited against their will.
 
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