Not2bforgot10
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For those particular substances, it really depends on what the user is looking for.I experienced this one, with one whome I've known for a long time distantly but then dated (only a couple of times). He used to take anything and everything. At first it was cannabis which he went to rehab for. Then when he got out, cannabis combined with acid. Then he found exstacy. At the most he was on 5 pills from what he said. He went to sober up several times and stayed sober for periods but always found a path of 'I'm only going to try it again' to then abusing again.
As an NF I would like to say that i believed I could be a 'saviour', the one who got him to straighten up as he would love me and forget about the drugs xD Hence, that is not how it works, instead he proposed that I join in. Somehow it is hard to take someone like this seriously because all he was after was to have a fun buzz. In other words he couldnt enjoy event or happy moments naturally.
I don't know if I can help you, and I know you don't want to hear it, but...unless that person is willing to change, the situation won't. It's really, really scary to be in a relationship with someone who's addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, or what have you - because you'll always be second best to that item. It doesn't matter what you do or what you say; you're not first priority in their life.
So yes. That means, if it came down to you or the drug they'd choose the drug. Every. Single. Time.
Being in a relationship with someone who feels like that is not always a healthy place. Why? Because you'll be the one picking up the pieces when they make a mess. It can be self-destructive for both of you. The addict will think their lifestyle is ok, and unconsciously you'll confirm that for them.
I dunno...personally, I think it's a dangerous place (and pretty co-dependent) but ultimately you'll have to make that choice for yourself.
Good luck!
years ago i was in a relationship where i was the addict (alcohol) and arbygil is right: i chose the booze every. single. time. it went on for years and he cleaned up all my messes, which were legion.
when i finally sobered up through aa and the fog began to lift, i realized how destructive the relationship had become--for both of us--and i got out. the damage my addiction did was irreparable. i don't know what kind of relationship we would have had if i'd been sober when we met, or if we would've even got together without the addiction factored in. getting into a relationship while actively addicted is never a good idea, imo; same can be said about getting into a relationship with an active addict. it's one of those situations where love can't conquer all.
sorry. i know you wanted to hear something more encouraging, but having been there/done that, i just can't, in good conscience, offer what i consider to be false hope. btw, by the time i sobered up, we'd been married ten years and had two kids (neither of whom, by the grace of god have fetal alcohol syndrome), so don't think, like my poor ex-husband, that by marrying this young woman you can control the addiction and somehow fix her.
just a voice from the other side of the equation.
Yeah, this is really upsetting to think about... it bothers me a lot actually. I feel, in a way, that I'm waiting for a time bomb to explode.... I'm just praying (maybe this is naive of me) that things will turn out okay and that she'll be able to live up to her word of being able to "self-moderate." I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.So yes. That means, if it came down to you or the drug they'd choose the drug. Every. Single. Time.
Being in a relationship with someone who feels like that is not always a healthy place. Why? Because you'll be the one picking up the pieces when they make a mess. It can be self-destructive for both of you. The addict will think their lifestyle is ok, and unconsciously you'll confirm that for them.
Tell her what the fuck is up.
You can't mess around with that. If a person is getting into substance abuse and it's having a destructive effect on their personality or life, they need to stop, sit back and realize where they're going. There's no problem(Imo) with gettin' fucked up every once in a while... But when a human being becomes dependent on it and stops paying attention to the things around them, that's where it becomes a HUGE issue. Neglect SHOULD NOT be tolerated. Use your own common sense. If they fly off the handle, fuck 'em.
Yeah, she technically can't make up excuses now because I have shown her that she does, in fact, have options. A lot of people make bad choices because they don't realize they had a choice at all (believe it or not; heck, that was personally the case for me-- in, of course, another respects). I hold her entirely accountable for her actions.You come before them. Your happiness should not be at stake due to their dependence on a substance. It'll be hard letting go of someone like that; but it would be for the better. That isn't to say to not give them a chance. Let them know that alcoholism is not a disease. The disease comes when they begin to think that they have no control over their actions.
I experienced this one, with one whome I've known for a long time distantly but then dated (only a couple of times). He used to take anything and everything. At first it was cannabis which he went to rehab for. Then when he got out, cannabis combined with acid. Then he found exstacy. At the most he was on 5 pills from what he said. He went to sober up several times and stayed sober for periods but always found a path of 'I'm only going to try it again' to then abusing again.
As an NF I would like to say that i believed I could be a 'saviour', the one who got him to straighten up as he would love me and forget about the drugs xD Hence, that is not how it works, instead he proposed that I join in. Somehow it is hard to take someone like this seriously because all he was after was to have a fun buzz. In other words he couldnt enjoy event or happy moments naturally.
years ago i was in a relationship where i was the addict (alcohol) and arbygil is right: i chose the booze every. single. time. it went on for years and he cleaned up all my messes, which were legion.
when i finally sobered up through aa and the fog began to lift, i realized how destructive the relationship had become--for both of us--and i got out. the damage my addiction did was irreparable. i don't know what kind of relationship we would have had if i'd been sober when we met, or if we would've even got together without the addiction factored in. getting into a relationship while actively addicted is never a good idea, imo; same can be said about getting into a relationship with an active addict. it's one of those situations where love can't conquer all.
sorry. i know you wanted to hear something more encouraging, but having been there/done that, i just can't, in good conscience, offer what i consider to be false hope. btw, by the time i sobered up, we'd been married ten years and had two kids (neither of whom, by the grace of god have fetal alcohol syndrome), so don't think, like my poor ex-husband, that by marrying this young woman you can control the addiction and somehow fix her.
just a voice from the other side of the equation.
Yeah, I know I can't be a "savior" of any sort... My heart; however, may not truly be aware of this. My heart longs for a lot, and sometimes because of this longing I don't always make the best choices in that I have a very difficult time with boundaries and cutting people off. It pains me...
No, it's okay The thing is, she's not a confirmed alcohol yet, and so she's not tech. "active." I do not know if she technically has a problem with alcohol, but I suspect it to be the case just because she defends it so much and other hunches I have. But yeah... unfortunately I can be quite stubborn-- now, to the point, where I have to SEE something to even believe it... unfortunately, by then, it might be too late for me... yet I don't have the balls to leave her. I do care for her. I just want to know it's true... yet (hypocritical) when in fact I do find out it's true, I am going to kick myself for not getting out sooner. Regardless, because of fairness and equality, I am inclined to give the benefit of the doubt and in my eyes she's proven "innocent" until proven guilty. How do you feel about looking at things this way?
i know exactly how you feel, i'm always attracted to broken people and it's something that i know i really have to work on. i was in a simialr situation, i was going out with a guy who was addicted to canabis for more than 6 years. after about 3 years of which (after i stopped taking drugs myself) i realised that the realationship was wrong for me and yet i stayed in it, pretty much purely because of my compulsion to fix people. obviously i still had feelings for him but not enough to make me stay, and it slowly began to destroy me. the stress manifested physically and mentally and it took me about a year after the break up to really start getting over it. any way what i'm trying to say is that if your situation becomes as dire (hopefully not) as mine did you will have to monitor yourself closely and make a cognitive decision. it may seem unnatural but i think PsilocinProject gave you some fantastic advice. also i know that you have said that you have strong feelings for this person, but i hope by sharing my story you may look at just how strong and overpowering the helping compulsion can be. i really hope this works out for you and that you look after yourself through all of it, best of luck [SIZE=Default]actually, can i just ask you if your partner is willing to work/already working on, or at least thinking about the reasons why she needs drugs in the first place? in my experience drug addiction and abuse are just a symptom and unless the causes are treated you're at nothing really. you don't have to answer if you don't want to by the way [/SIZE]
denial (rationalization) is a big component of alcoholism and is common among those who love addicts. there were a few red flags--for me--in what you've said and things you've said she said. the only cure for denial is scouring self-honesty. i think it's good you're looking for honesty instead of validation here; it's a step in the right direction.