Dating the addicted (alcohol and/or drug).
- Thread starter Not2bforgot10
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Dude, I know I'm just an internet stranger and I'm not sure how willing you are to accept this but STOP. Stop now. Stop. Stop. What are you doing with this person? You are an infj, these mind games are detrimental to your emotional development. You mentioned that you are an ACA kid... you can't save your parents by getting involved with chicks like this. Believe me... I've been down that road. Even though my mom had been "sober" for years, I still found my self drawn to women just like her in my friendships. Like if I could fix them...maybe.. she'd love me more. Or maybe I could make her hurt less. And by taking on their pain and faults... I got to ignore my own. It was a pattern that robbed me of my already self esteem and I still don't have any. Everyone thinks I'm awesome and great, but I still rack my brain trying to figure out to be as good as everyone else. I don't think I'll ever see myself the way most people see me, and I have years of crappy relationships like this one to thank for that. I'm working on it, and I hope I'll get there eventually.
::sigh:: I don't know what else to say. I have a big mouth. I don't think I'll say any more. Just promise me you will protect your heart and your wallet ok?
::sigh:: I don't know what else to say. I have a big mouth. I don't think I'll say any more. Just promise me you will protect your heart and your wallet ok?
Actually I disagree with that.
They are people of course. But they only need people by their side when they commit themselves to sobering up.
Anyone who is in the throes of their addiction only 'needs' people by their side in order to squeeze them dry emotionally, physically, and in some cases financially. The people who are with addicts become an addicts safety net. Because no matter how badly they get, the addict realizes to some degree that their partner won't allow anything permanent (like an OD death), will ensure they have a place to stay, will make sure they eat. Addicts cause harm to the people who are victims of their own pity and compassion into remaining and providing whatever assistance the addict needs in order to sustain their life choices.
I know I mean hmmm.
Well I was kind of referencing a completely different dynamic then spouse.
Mumble...mumble...mumble..
Yeah your right probably, Can that comment be stricken from the record.
I know I mean hmmm.
Well I was kind of referencing a completely different dynamic then spouse.
Mumble...mumble...mumble..
Yeah your right probably, Can that comment be stricken from the record.
I mean what I said not what you said.
I just found out that the guy I have been dating about two months was a drug user (about everything except heroin and some of the other really hard drugs) several years ago but he stopped and has been sober for about three or four years. I'm not quite sure where to go with this, myself...and I understand the fear aspect you're talking about...the "what if" he relapses...However, my situation is a little different since he realized all on his own that a change needed to happen and now he's clean, responsible and attending college (and doing well). Still, it makes me afraid that he might fall back some time.
my dad is a long time user of pot (more than 30 years) and it's made his mind a little crazy...I just don't want to see that happen to anyone else...
my dad is a long time user of pot (more than 30 years) and it's made his mind a little crazy...I just don't want to see that happen to anyone else...
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This really caught my eye as i too have had a similar experience though to a lesser degree; i hadn't ventured far enough as to form a relationship with that person although it was my desire to. I won't say i understand your situation fully, but i can definately relate.
she too had an addictive personality and i believe her to have been an ESTP. my initial intrigue was fueled by an attraction to her optimistic confidence and aesthetic composure that carried with it, a daring edge. intuitively, i realize now in hindsight that i sensed an intense aversion towards her...though during the time, it was that particular aversion that attracted me. Perhaps it was the SP in me that so wanted to be lived. She was a fun-loving person with endless stories to share who lived completely in the moment. Thus, she was not someone who'd extensively commit without constant excitement nor did i ever had the pleasure in holding a deep conversation with her.
i later realized her addiction to nicotine, caffeine, sex, etc. (much like those you listed)...but always seemed to rationalize her behaviour in accordance with that initial jolt of attraction as well as the innate longing to change her somehow...much like blind faith in someone i knew couldn't easily be swayed.
i cared deeply for her, even though i never truly voiced it as i was always unsure whether a relationship with her was viable. had i known in the time during that she was an ESTP, i'd probably have verbalized my feelings as i believe ESTP's are not as apt at nonverbal cues and indirect language as intuitives. yet, she tested my limits time and again by doing hurtful things (manipulation, neglect) without consciously reflecting on how it would effect me. perhaps, her primary focus was to obtain as much 'fun' as possible as a dominant extraverted sensor who did not care much for deeper emotional meanings and commitment. in the end, i didn't venture further but i don't regret the many good times i've shared with her.
I wrote too much, but i hope my experience gives you some comfort.
Best of luck with your decision
she too had an addictive personality and i believe her to have been an ESTP. my initial intrigue was fueled by an attraction to her optimistic confidence and aesthetic composure that carried with it, a daring edge. intuitively, i realize now in hindsight that i sensed an intense aversion towards her...though during the time, it was that particular aversion that attracted me. Perhaps it was the SP in me that so wanted to be lived. She was a fun-loving person with endless stories to share who lived completely in the moment. Thus, she was not someone who'd extensively commit without constant excitement nor did i ever had the pleasure in holding a deep conversation with her.
i later realized her addiction to nicotine, caffeine, sex, etc. (much like those you listed)...but always seemed to rationalize her behaviour in accordance with that initial jolt of attraction as well as the innate longing to change her somehow...much like blind faith in someone i knew couldn't easily be swayed.
i cared deeply for her, even though i never truly voiced it as i was always unsure whether a relationship with her was viable. had i known in the time during that she was an ESTP, i'd probably have verbalized my feelings as i believe ESTP's are not as apt at nonverbal cues and indirect language as intuitives. yet, she tested my limits time and again by doing hurtful things (manipulation, neglect) without consciously reflecting on how it would effect me. perhaps, her primary focus was to obtain as much 'fun' as possible as a dominant extraverted sensor who did not care much for deeper emotional meanings and commitment. in the end, i didn't venture further but i don't regret the many good times i've shared with her.
I wrote too much, but i hope my experience gives you some comfort.
Best of luck with your decision
I wanted to update everyone and let you know that my partner and I have now been together for 8.5 months and are doing very well She is trying to decide whether NA is right for her now... she definitely knows that ACOA is right for her. But I am happy
Is anyone else here a 12-stepper?
She is trying to decide whether NA is right for her now... she definitely knows that ACOA is right for her. But I am happy Is anyone else here a 12-stepper?
Complacency.
I posted (started this thread) back in January, and I am posting again... This entry/situation involves the same partner.
I do not even know where to begin... I feel incredibly taken for granted in the relationship that I am in. I am in a female-to-female relationship and my partner (a former coke addict and bipolar) seems to be entirely too complacent in our relationship. I have expressed my concerns to her over and over and she listens, but yet she does not act. This has happened time and time again. It's as if she thinks I will always be there. I have communicated to her my deeply hurt feelings and expressed to her very directly how I feel taken for granted and it doesn't seem to make a difference.
Moreover, I expressed to her what needs to be done (established) in order for us to have a healthy, working partnership. She doesn't seem capable (emotionally?) of being in a healthy relationship. I am very frustrated, especially since she is older than me (1 year). She lacks the will to act.
I am in 2 12-step programs... Al-anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). She was in NA (Narcotics Anonymous) up until last week when a string of events happened and she decided to drop out. Nevertheless, she, by definition, and I do not say this judgmentally; rather, literally, is a coward. I am aggravated. I have put in a LOT of hard-work in this relationship. I completed my step four a LONG time ago and have been upfront with her from the beginning.
My partner did not reveal to me that she was a drug addict (4 years ago) until 3 months into our relationship (We've been dating for 12 months). Moreover, I found out a bunch of other pretty important pieces of information 3 months after we started dating! I am resentful.
I honestly feel like the only way I can get my partner to wake up is when I pull back and spend time on my own, and honestly, even this approach doesn't always work. Moreover, I don't want to be engaged in push/pull behavior. She doesn't send me text messages, emails, cards, etc. In the beginning of our rel. when she thought she was loosing me, she bought me a card, and this has been the only card she has ever bought me. I am tired of having to pull away for her to appreciate me.
She didn't do anything for my b-day until I complained about it towards midnight and was getting ready for bed, and then she whipped together something on her computer while I was sobbing... our anniversary was last week and she didn't even get me a card! We (my idea) got really nice pillows for each other and had decided that cost didn't matter (I didn't even look at the prices) and would buy each other whichever one the other liked. Mine (the one she bought for me) ended up being more, and on our anniversary she later (in a rant) demanded I pay her money to make what she got me even! (This was NOT part of the deal).
She is always demanding and ranting... or being overly complacent. She has a huge problem taking responsibility and appreciating the people that are there for her in her life. She has cheated on almost every partner in her past and "justified" it in one way or another. The responsibility/accountability is not there. It's impossible.
I honestly want to find another relationship. I have only had one healthy relationship and that was years ago before I lost my father... ever since I lost my father (due to a heart attack) I've had unhealthy rel. after unhealthy rel. Anyway, I have developed standards for myself and am ready to have a healthy relationship... I can also work on myself in the meantime.
I posted (started this thread) back in January, and I am posting again... This entry/situation involves the same partner.
I do not even know where to begin... I feel incredibly taken for granted in the relationship that I am in. I am in a female-to-female relationship and my partner (a former coke addict and bipolar) seems to be entirely too complacent in our relationship. I have expressed my concerns to her over and over and she listens, but yet she does not act. This has happened time and time again. It's as if she thinks I will always be there. I have communicated to her my deeply hurt feelings and expressed to her very directly how I feel taken for granted and it doesn't seem to make a difference.
Moreover, I expressed to her what needs to be done (established) in order for us to have a healthy, working partnership. She doesn't seem capable (emotionally?) of being in a healthy relationship. I am very frustrated, especially since she is older than me (1 year). She lacks the will to act.
I am in 2 12-step programs... Al-anon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). She was in NA (Narcotics Anonymous) up until last week when a string of events happened and she decided to drop out. Nevertheless, she, by definition, and I do not say this judgmentally; rather, literally, is a coward. I am aggravated. I have put in a LOT of hard-work in this relationship. I completed my step four a LONG time ago and have been upfront with her from the beginning.
My partner did not reveal to me that she was a drug addict (4 years ago) until 3 months into our relationship (We've been dating for 12 months). Moreover, I found out a bunch of other pretty important pieces of information 3 months after we started dating! I am resentful.
I honestly feel like the only way I can get my partner to wake up is when I pull back and spend time on my own, and honestly, even this approach doesn't always work. Moreover, I don't want to be engaged in push/pull behavior. She doesn't send me text messages, emails, cards, etc. In the beginning of our rel. when she thought she was loosing me, she bought me a card, and this has been the only card she has ever bought me. I am tired of having to pull away for her to appreciate me.
She didn't do anything for my b-day until I complained about it towards midnight and was getting ready for bed, and then she whipped together something on her computer while I was sobbing... our anniversary was last week and she didn't even get me a card! We (my idea) got really nice pillows for each other and had decided that cost didn't matter (I didn't even look at the prices) and would buy each other whichever one the other liked. Mine (the one she bought for me) ended up being more, and on our anniversary she later (in a rant) demanded I pay her money to make what she got me even! (This was NOT part of the deal).
She is always demanding and ranting... or being overly complacent. She has a huge problem taking responsibility and appreciating the people that are there for her in her life. She has cheated on almost every partner in her past and "justified" it in one way or another. The responsibility/accountability is not there. It's impossible.
I honestly want to find another relationship. I have only had one healthy relationship and that was years ago before I lost my father... ever since I lost my father (due to a heart attack) I've had unhealthy rel. after unhealthy rel. Anyway, I have developed standards for myself and am ready to have a healthy relationship... I can also work on myself in the meantime.
I can relate to your relationship so well. My husband is the same as your partner...he is also bi-polar. The most emotion I have ever gotten out of him is when I kicked him out last September. A year later he is back to his old garbage. He doesnt understand that I need to hear these things from him.
Anyway, I can relate. I agree that you need to be in a relationship that is healthy for both parties, but coming from the same place you are...You cant help loving the person that is hurting you.
Anyway, I can relate. I agree that you need to be in a relationship that is healthy for both parties, but coming from the same place you are...You cant help loving the person that is hurting you.
I understand many factors go into the relationships we choose for ourselves and the life we carve out, many of them complicated and subconscious or deeply woven, but to be honest I'm really bothered by this
- feeling love for someone doesn't mean having to act on those feelings.
I understand many factors go into the relationships we choose for ourselves and the life we carve out, many of them complicated and subconscious or deeply woven, but to be honest I'm really bothered by this
I understand that what I said can be taken a myriad of ways...I did not mean it to sound so...awful...It is not as if the intentions are to hurt. WOW...I totally didn't mean it that way. I cant think of a way to explain myself out of it either.
Why are so many infjs in these kinds of relationships?
We, of all people, obsessed with finding our perfect partners, end up with people that don't even cherish us like they should?
Ok, that was a bit of a rant, but I am noticing a bit of a trend.
We, of all people, obsessed with finding our perfect partners, end up with people that don't even cherish us like they should?
Ok, that was a bit of a rant, but I am noticing a bit of a trend.
When you're in a downward-spiral, it is immensely difficult to think of another person. It's not that you don't care about their well-being; it's just that your first priority is self-preservation. By its very nature, addiction renders you very self-absorbed.
Addictions are safe-havens. There's always some benefit that you're getting out of it, even long after you've come to terms with its destructiveness. Of course, its a complicated business, especially when your partner gives you an ultimatum that forces you to decide which is more important. Problem is, addiction is addiction and it's not just a battle, but it's an outright war once you're on the path to recovery. It's scary, it's hard, and most people rather return to what's familiar than brave the unknown or the difficult. Most people with addictions also have self-esteem issues, and do not have the drive or the belief that they can recover, which tangles the knot further.
And of course, once the loved ones start retreating, who or what do you think the addict is going to turn to? That's right. Whatever is safe or familiar; the quickest way to relieve their discomfort.
Still, as a partner to an addicted party, I think its important to know that it is not your responsibility to get the person out of this mess. You can help as much as you can, but once you hit that unhappy threshold and you physically, mentally and emotionally know that you cannot take it anymore, you're not obligated to stay. You deserve happiness; you don't have to resign yourself to a life of being someone's nurse or parole officer. If the behavior does not change, especially the person is not making any effort to change it, that's probably a good time to really think through what sort of a future you're going to have with this person. There's only so many chances you can give. Eventually, you have to realize that this all stops being fair to you.
In your case, it appears as if you are extremely unhappy and you're approaching that threshold of no-return. In my opinion, if your partner is still not putting in the effort now, there's no guarantee that she will in the future. It sounds like she makes a lot of excuses for herself because of her "cowardice." Maybe with you there as her safety net, she feels too comfortable to make progress. Stepping back might be a good idea to see what she does... even if its only to help her get mobilized.
But again, I'd like to stress that you're not obligated to stay just because you've been in a relationship for so long. If the relationship is toxic, there is no point in being a glutton for punishment.
Good luck.
Addictions are safe-havens. There's always some benefit that you're getting out of it, even long after you've come to terms with its destructiveness. Of course, its a complicated business, especially when your partner gives you an ultimatum that forces you to decide which is more important. Problem is, addiction is addiction and it's not just a battle, but it's an outright war once you're on the path to recovery. It's scary, it's hard, and most people rather return to what's familiar than brave the unknown or the difficult. Most people with addictions also have self-esteem issues, and do not have the drive or the belief that they can recover, which tangles the knot further.
And of course, once the loved ones start retreating, who or what do you think the addict is going to turn to? That's right. Whatever is safe or familiar; the quickest way to relieve their discomfort.
Still, as a partner to an addicted party, I think its important to know that it is not your responsibility to get the person out of this mess. You can help as much as you can, but once you hit that unhappy threshold and you physically, mentally and emotionally know that you cannot take it anymore, you're not obligated to stay. You deserve happiness; you don't have to resign yourself to a life of being someone's nurse or parole officer. If the behavior does not change, especially the person is not making any effort to change it, that's probably a good time to really think through what sort of a future you're going to have with this person. There's only so many chances you can give. Eventually, you have to realize that this all stops being fair to you.
In your case, it appears as if you are extremely unhappy and you're approaching that threshold of no-return. In my opinion, if your partner is still not putting in the effort now, there's no guarantee that she will in the future. It sounds like she makes a lot of excuses for herself because of her "cowardice." Maybe with you there as her safety net, she feels too comfortable to make progress. Stepping back might be a good idea to see what she does... even if its only to help her get mobilized.
But again, I'd like to stress that you're not obligated to stay just because you've been in a relationship for so long. If the relationship is toxic, there is no point in being a glutton for punishment.
Good luck.
It's okay. I understood it to mean that you feel the way you feel, even if the person happens to be who they are. But I guess what I wanted to say, without coming off as heartless or ignorant, is that regardless of how powerful those feelings are or how much it might hurt to enforce boundaries and step away, being with that person is not a given, it is a choice. Maybe a painful one, maybe a frightening and overwhelming one, but a choice nonetheless. The hurt that you might feel from disengaging will be short-lived in comparison to what you will feel the longer you stay with someone who is hurting you or not meeting your needs.
Just my thoughts.
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I understand what you mean, and it kinda comes down to the whole "not good enough" idea...not good enough to deserve more than what I got...
I think what I should have said, is while yea some of the things they do hurt, granted a small hurt. You take them as they are because well, you love them. It does hurt a little when your partner cant understand that you need the validation of emotions from them. You need to hear "I love you" often. You need little reminders of their affection. Otherwise you start to feel much like a kitchen utensil, there when you need it, out of the way when you don't.